I appreciate your comment. Thank you!

So sorry you’re dealing with this. Thanks for sharing here. I know many other people have this kind of coworker! They sound like they are scared to lose control or look bad. Perhaps they have self-worth issues. You know, you could try praising them when they’re not in crisis mode. I know, what? Praise? The only reason I say that is that if they have self-worth issues or other insecurities (maybe from Mom or Dad putting them down or making them feel dumb when they were younger), then praise could be a way to help them feel better about themselves, subsequently changing how they treat others. You could also try assessing what the more difficult aspects of their job is and see if you can do them a favor one day and fix something for them.

These are just random thoughts. Experiments really. After all, if you have no choice but to work with them, and there was something you could try to make life easier around them, it might be worth it.

Or not. They may be hardwired that way and will have to face the consequences of their behaviors by, like you said, sabotaging their career (let alone isolating themselves from having friends and other connections).

Stay strong. This sounds like a tough situation. “It’s not you, it’s them,” very much applies here!

I hope not. But yes, it could be.

Sounds like early stages of Alzheimer’s, doesn’t it?

Great comment! You’re right, you can become emotionally drained because you have to be someone you’re not. It’s full-on acting and it’s a lot of work when you already struggle with the concept that you have to be this way at all just to communicate with someone you care about.

Those with personality disorders are going to throw everything at you (not necessarily intentionally). There’s a principle in NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) that has always stuck with me. Basically, it is a principle that says the person with the most flexibility in a system will control that system.

“Flexibility” represents behavior. The more flexible someone is in their behavior, the more likely they will control the system.
The “system,” in this case, is your relationship with your mother.

Currently, your mother has the most flexibility because she controls the system the majority of the time. When you act more irrational, you are being more flexible because you are acting in an unpredictable way. This can be off-putting to someone who is used to people acting a certain way around them. With your mom, she doesn’t know how to react to your behavior. When you are more “flexible” in your behavior, you probably notice she isn’t as irrational (like you said).

For example, if she cried about spilt milk, you might be more flexible by not just crying, but also screaming, flailing your arms, then complaining about the glassmaker for making a glass that tips over so easily, and griping about the farm that provided the milk in the first place. This “craziness” would help you lead her state of mind to a less irrational place.

From what you said though, she leads your (and probably others) state of mind when she acts in such a way that you don’t know how to handle. That’s why irrational people can often get what they want. Not many people know what to do with them so they try to please them in any way possible so they’ll stop being irrational.

Being more “flexible” than they are in behavior however makes you the leader of their state of mind because they’re not sure what to do next. They are used to being in control by being irrational. When you do it though, it’s a new thing to them. They calm down naturally.
It really comes down to who is going to lead the other person’s state of mind. When she’s irrational, she is leading you where she wants you. When you act even more irrational, you are able to lead her.

The challenge you’re having is that it takes a lot of energy to do this. I don’t disagree with this at all. It can be draining for sure. So since you can’t be irrational all the time, sometimes it can be helpful to step into their reality with them, making it appear as if you believe everything they’re saying, but also telling them “we need to get to the bottom of this!”

This takes a bit of work too because you are helping them go down rabbit holes that they normally wouldn’t go down. It might make them uncomfortable enough to actually stop being irrational.

An (exaggerated) example of “stepping into their reality,” and “getting to the bottom of this” might be she believes aliens abduct her every night. Instead of saying, “You’re crazy! That’s not happening,” you would step into her reality and say, “Oh my god! What do they look like? Do they take you on a spaceship?” and so on. Then, to “get to the bottom of this,” you might say something like, “We need to set cameras up in your room. Then, the next morning, we’ll review them together and see what happened. We’ll do this every night and we’re sure to catch them on film.”

Again, that’s exaggerated, but stepping into their reality, then getting to the bottom of it can also be a way for them to act less irrational over time for a couple reasons: 1. Reinforced evidence that what they believe isn’t reality and 2. They aren’t hearing, “You’re wrong” like they are used to hearing so they are more willing to accept and trust that you are on their side. And if you continue to show you’re on their side, they may figure out that perhaps their reality isn’t as crazy as they believe it is.

That’s if all goes as planned. With a personality disorder however, nothing may ever go as planned. But, you can only do so much before you finally need a break. You may try every process you can only to find out that no matter what you do, they’ll never change. At that point, accepting them as they are is the only logical last step. When you know someone will always be the way they are, you stop looking for signs they’ll change. It can be freeing.

I wish you luck for what you’re going through. Thanks for your comment!

I’m now trying to process your concept of “irrationality … comes down to fulfilling a need” to my own situation of caring for my 65% loving yet 35% irrational elderly mother, who now I understand in hindsight always suffered from personality disorder.

I’ve done the “4. Act more irrational than them”, and agreed this does work, full stop. But this technique also leaves me emotionally drained, not to mention the guilt of deceit. So, this is really the “nuclear option” for me. If you feel the need to try this, but also feel repulsion at the thought of “acting” irrational, please be careful of the after effects.

You’re welcome. I appreciate you sharing this. Good luck with whatever you’re dealing with.