Have you ever looked back on a situation and thought, “I should have spoken up” or “I should have shared how I really felt”? I’ve been there too.
Over the years of doing my podcast and this blog, I’ve shared how I’ve taken risks and tried new approaches. There came a point when I decided to start taking risks because I was tired of the results I was getting. I figured if I was going to get outcomes I didn’t want anyway, I might as well be honest.
So that’s exactly what I did. I started being more open about my feelings and taking risks, knowing I could lose relationships, jobs, family connections, love, and support. Surprisingly, taking these risks in the face of potential loss actually made my life so much better.
I can’t picture what my life would be like if I hadn’t become more honest and open with people. While I don’t recommend being completely open with everyone, there are times when you might want to say something but hold back. When you do this, what you wanted to say or do never happens.
This concerns me in my own life today. When I want to say or do something but don’t, I wonder where that desire goes. Does it just disappear? Or does it get pushed down into a negative emotional space inside me, building up to become harmful later on? I worry about holding back thoughts and emotions because it can lead to depression, something I never want to experience again.
If you’ve dealt with depression and overcome it, you probably feel the same way. If you’re still struggling with it, whether it comes and goes or you need medication, you’ve likely wished for it to go away. When you heal from depression, you have a chance to prevent it from coming back. I was tired of being depressed and unhappy with many aspects of my life.
My relationships were falling apart, I burned out at jobs (usually quitting after four years), and my friendships faded. I felt like I was losing in all areas of life or never making progress.
Then, one day, I realized that every outcome I was getting was a result of my actions and words. Instead of seeing myself as a victim of circumstances, I chose to take responsibility for what happens to me. I started to see how each choice in my life led to the next, creating a chain of events that resulted in my current situation. I could trace every negative outcome back to a decision I made.
When I began doing this, my life got better. This is what taking responsibility looks like. You own everything that happens in your life, even when you’re truly a victim of circumstances. This doesn’t mean you can’t be victimized or that you’re always in control. That’s not what I’m saying at all.
What I mean is that you can often trace back to a moment when you made a choice that led to a difficult outcome. This doesn’t make it your fault. It just helps you take ownership of your choices in life. You’re not responsible for others making you suffer. The only thing you’re responsible for is taking charge of your own decisions.
Taking responsibility for your life is a fundamental concept in personal growth. It’s about understanding the connection between your actions and their outcomes. I’ve talked about this before, but I want to share how I actually put it into practice.
I started telling myself that I was responsible for various situations in my life. For instance, I took responsibility for someone leaving me, for getting fired, for not having enough resources at work, for being betrayed, for being lied to, and even for a car accident where someone crashed into me.
You might wonder, “How can you take responsibility for things that are out of your control?”
It’s about recognizing the choices you made leading up to those events.
For example, with the car accident, I could take responsibility for getting in my car that day. This approach gives you power. It helps you see that you have choices, maybe ones you didn’t consider before, and that you might have some control over circumstances.
Let’s say you stayed at a stop sign for just one more second – that small decision could have prevented the accident. Even though the other driver was at fault for running the stop sign, you’re still taking responsibility for your part in the situation.
The key here is that when you take responsibility for your results, you realize that to get better outcomes, you need to make better decisions. These decisions might not be obvious at first. Using the car accident example again, maybe there was a blind spot created by a bar on your windshield. Now that you’re aware of this, you can choose a vehicle without that obstruction in the future.
This concept applies to all areas of life. Small changes can compound and lead to significant improvements. Of course, there’s always a chance that changes could make things worse, but the important thing is that you’re learning how much control you actually have over your circumstances.
Let me give you another example from my own life. I once worked for a company where I was overworked and needed an assistant. Instead of speaking up, I assumed my bosses would notice and offer help. They saw me keeping up with the work, stressed but not complaining, so they didn’t see a need to hire anyone else.
Eventually, I burned out and decided to leave. In my exit interview, they asked what they could do to keep me. That’s when I realized I could have asked for help all along. If they were willing to do something to keep me now, they probably would have been willing to help earlier if I had just asked.
That experience taught me the importance of speaking up and taking responsibility for my needs at work. It’s a perfect example of how taking responsibility can reveal opportunities for positive change that we might otherwise miss.
For the four years I was at that job, I blamed my employer for not providing the resources and personnel I needed to do my job without stress. I felt it was their fault entirely.
Then, like I said, during my exit interview, when they asked, “What can we do to keep you?” it just blew my mind because I never realized I had a choice.
This is often the case when we see ourselves solely as victims, believing we have no options and feeling like we should not take responsibility for our results. When we see ourselves as victims, we give up our power, and the situation never improves.
Now, I’m not dismissing or invalidating people who are truly victims of terrible events. There are awful things that happen in the world, and I wish they didn’t.
However, some people get stuck in the victim mindset, believing they have no control or choices. While it’s true that during the actual victimization, they might have been powerless, it’s essential to focus on what you can control and change going forward.
I’m not suggesting you could have avoided everything or that being a victim was your fault. I can easily point fingers at others and say, “You did this to me, and it’s your fault.”
But I can also look inward and ask, “What can I take responsibility for to prevent this from happening again?” This self-reflection empowers you to change the situation and reduce the likelihood of being a victim in the future.
The compound effect of making small changes in how you perceive your responsibilities can be powerful. It helps you avoid looking back with regret, thinking, “I could have done something differently. Why didn’t I know that was an option?”
This is exactly what happened to me when I was burnt out at my job and decided to quit. If I had known then what I know now, I could have asked for resources or changes to help me do my job without the stress that led to burnout. This involves taking risks by being authentic.
When You Choose to Take the Risk of Being Authentic, Change is Inevitable
If I had been truly authentic during my time at that company, I would have gone to my boss and said, “Look, this is stressful. I can’t handle it. I need some help. Let’s figure this out together because I can’t do my job effectively.”
But I didn’t stand up for myself or speak up for what I wanted because I feared getting fired. I thought they’d see me as a complainer and say, “We don’t want people who complain. We’ll find someone else to handle the stress.”
Yes, that can and does happen sometimes. But I realized it was more important to stand up for who I am, take responsibility for my results, and take risks for what I wanted. When you take risks for the results you want, two things can happen:
1. You might actually get what you want, and
2. You avoid repressing your true thoughts and feelings.
There’s also a third outcome, which is like a butterfly effect. The more you show up authentically and express your needs, even at the risk of losing something important, the more it creates a ripple effect across all areas of your life. This happens because you’re being honest, maintaining your integrity, and taking responsibility for your results.
Every time I took a leap of faith and shared something I believed might cause a loss in my life – whether in a romantic relationship, job, friendship, or family connection – my relationships and overall life actually improved.
When I opened up to one friend, their increased trust in me had a positive ripple effect: Other people began to view me more favorably, not necessarily trusting me immediately, but feeling better about me in general. This friend’s positive opinion of me spread to others in their circle.
At work, I found the courage to speak up when I felt disrespected. For example, if a boss yelled at me in front of others, I might say something like, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at in front of everyone. It’s disrespectful.”
While I never used those exact words, I’ve expressed similar sentiments over the years at different companies. The response could go two ways: either I’d be fired, or more often, I’d receive an apology and gain respect for being direct.
Taking these leaps of faith also created that butterfly effect throughout the companies I worked for. My co-workers began to respect me more, seeing me as someone who could stand up to authority figures. They viewed this as an admirable trait, often associated with leadership.
I’m not trying to brag, but by taking these risks, I fulfilled my needs and wants, achieving outcomes I desired but didn’t know how to reach before.
All of this happened because I decided to be more transparent, vulnerable, and willing to take risks. However, it’s important to note that things can sometimes go wrong. For instance, I once took a risk with a family member by expressing my desire to keep our relationship separate from financial matters. I said, “I don’t want our relationship to be about money. I’d rather continue what we have because I love you and want a great relationship that’s not financially based.”
Unfortunately, this person didn’t react well to my honesty. I haven’t spoken to them since, and I don’t think they want to talk to me. While I hope we can reconnect someday, I stand by my decision to be honest about my feelings with them as I expressed them kindly and respectfully.
Sometimes, the type of relationship we want doesn’t align with what others want, and that’s okay.
Despite this challenging experience, I’ve found that 99% of the time, when I’ve taken risks and been honest, the outcomes have been better than I expected. This approach has consistently led to improved relationships and personal growth.
I’ve found that when I choose to be honest instead of playing it safe, I often get better results than I expected. This has led to stronger bonds, more respect, and a more fulfilling life overall.
Now, I’m not saying you should go out there and be brutally honest with everyone, risking your job or home. But I will say that if you spend your life holding back what you want to say or do, you end up stuffing a lot of feelings down. When you do this, those feelings never really leave your system. It’s like having unfinished business that never gets resolved.
This can lead to emotional triggers where you might lash out at people because you never expressed your true feelings or did what you really wanted to do. When you choose not to take risks in life – and by risks, I mean speaking your truth even when you might lose something – you give up control over what happens next.
This is where taking responsibility for your life comes in. When you speak up for yourself, act with integrity, and say what you need to say (even to people who might not like it), you’re taking responsibility for your results. If you don’t speak up, you lose your power because you’re not taking responsibility for the outcome.
This doesn’t mean you should say every single thing that comes to mind, especially when you’re angry. It just means there are times when you might want to say something you normally wouldn’t because you don’t want to stir the pot, so to speak (like I did with my relative when I asked to keep our relationship personal and not about money).
There was a time when I wished I could tell my truth but didn’t. I spent most of my life bottling up my true thoughts and feelings.
Now I do speak up more, but I also choose my battles wisely. There are some people I won’t be completely honest with because they’re too unpredictable or volatile. Or maybe it’s a relationship I want to keep in my life, but I know complete honesty will make it difficult, so I hold back.
I’m not endorsing dishonesty – I’m just saying there are some people who will not react kindly to your honesty and may make your life miserable from that point on.
How’s that for honest?
Sometimes, the relationship you have with someone may be the best it will ever get, and you may just have to accept things as they are. Choosing to take a leap of faith to express what’s really on your mind could cause the relationship to go in one direction or another.
There’s always a risk of being authentic. But in my life, I’ve come to determine that there’s a bigger risk of not doing so.
I prefer authentic relationships. But I also realize that choosing to be my genuine self can also drive people I care about away. And sometimes, that might actually be what needs to happen.
