When someone says something hurtful or offensive to you, what happens next? For most people, the answer is automatic: The words hit, emotions flare, and suddenly you’re defending yourself, attacking back, or completely losing your composure.
A reaction to hurtful words or behaviors can happen so fast that you don’t even realize you’ve fallen into a pattern; A pattern that the other person may actually be counting on.
The truth is, some people know exactly which buttons to push. They’ve studied your reactions. They know what will make you defensive, what will make you angry, and what will make you look irrational to everyone watching.
And when you react the way they expect, they win. They stay in control while you expend all your energy trying to explain yourself, prove your point, or make them understand. By the time the interaction is over, you’re drained, they’re energized, and nothing has actually changed.
But what if you could change the pattern? What if, instead of giving them the reaction they’re looking for, you could disarm them completely? If you did that, you could take your power back even while they’re actively trying to take it away.
Most people carry around a default response when someone says something hurtful or offensive. That response usually falls into one of three categories: defensive, offensive, or lashing out.
A defensive response sounds like explaining yourself. “Why would you say that? I’m doing the best I can. It took me three weeks to get here, and I did all this stuff, now you’re telling me this?” You’re explaining why they’re wrong about you.
When you’re in a defensive response with certain people, that’s exactly where they want you to be.
The emotionally abusive person wants you in defense mode. If you’re defensive, where’s your focus? Your focus is on you. It’s not on them and their bad behavior. If your focus is on you and explaining yourself, that’s exactly where they want you to be. It keeps them from having to explain themselves.
The offensive response sounds different. “How dare you blame me?” You’re attacking back, putting them down, making them feel bad.
Some people don’t like the offensive response. They’d rather have you in the defensive response because it’s easier for them to go through life with others defending themselves instead of trying to come back offensively and put them down.
Then there’s lashing out, which can be a mixture of both. Lashing out is screaming, hitting back, or pushing back. It’s the immediate fight-or-flight triggered response.
Lashing out can actually be effective sometimes, but it’s also very much you losing it in front of them. You’re taking up all your time and energy and expending it so that you become depleted. They’re in a position of power because you appear to be the irrational one, especially if it’s done in front of others.
If you’re doing this offensive, defensive, or lashing out in front of them and in front of others, they’re going to look like the sane one, and you’re going to look like the insane one.
The person putting you in that space shines because they look rational. They’re not spending any time or energy explaining anything. They just say a few words. Something simple like, “You’re always late,” which, even though might be somewhat benign, could set someone off.
That’s the point: They want to set you off. They know that a few simple, “seemingly benign” words will push your buttons. They know exactly what words to say, and they’re going to say those words so that you will deplete your energy explaining or defending yourself.
What happens when you deplete your energy? It’s hard to stay focused. It’s hard to look sane. It’s hard to stay rational. You become irrational, and it’s a huge component of gaslighting.
If somebody can keep you in an irrational space, then that is a part of crazy-making or gaslighting. It makes you not only look irrational to a lot of other people but also feel irrational in yourself.
When you settle down, and that challenge is over, you think back to all the things you could have or should have said or done. You think that maybe you didn’t handle it well enough.
Every time you lose it on someone, you probably think back and consider what you should have done differently. i.e., “I should have said this. I should have been more calm. I should have shown them the evidence instead of just yelling at them.”
You could have done a lot of things, but you didn’t think about it in time because you were reacting.
Switching From Reactive To Proactive Around Toxic People
Proactive means carrying your communications toolbox with you. Sometimes when these situations happen, you’re reactive, and all the communication tools you’ve been carrying around fall out of the toolbox.
You will lose your communication tools when you become myopically focused on defending yourself or proving them wrong.
When you’re in that state of mind, it’s hard to access your own resources. This is why you plan ahead. You should probably have some responses packed away deeper in your brain for future use so that they don’t automatically fall out of your toolbox in the moment.
When you’re in a reactive state of mind, it’s hard to access your own resources. This is why you plan ahead. You need responses that are so deeply ingrained they don’t fall out of your toolbox when emotions run high. You need tools that stay with you even in the heat of the moment.
Note: Avoiding showing a toxic person your emotional state can save you a lot of grief. If you’re angry and they can’t tell that you’re angry, and you convey a message to them that doesn’t include the words of anger, they’re going to be a little confused because they’re not going to be able to read you well.
Some people can read us without the words, for sure, but toxic people can usually find our triggers easily because they listen to our words and wait for an emotional state and words of emotion they can attack. They also look at your body language, too. They know what it means when you nod your head or roll your eyes.
As hard as it may be, stay hyper-aware of your body language and the words you use when they trigger you. What I mean by that is that sometimes you’ll be very angry that somebody said something to you, and it’ll show on your face and your gestures. But if you respond without obvious body language, then you can be angry without falling into a body-angry state, if that makes sense.
This could confuse them because they’re waiting for your typical response. But that’s good! Better them confused, than prepared with their counterstrike.
The goal is to be proactive in how we respond to people instead of reactive, so that when they do something to tick us off or make us feel bad, we don’t automatically fall into that default fight-or-flight state of mind.
Once you fall into that old pattern, you’re stuck there. So you want to create a new pattern that allows you to control the conversation instead of letting them control it.
If some people are used to making you feel bad and putting you down, then controlling the conversation with them drives them crazy. When their old patterns don’t work anymore, they won’t know what to do. If they press your buttons and you respond with something completely unrelated to that button press, they’re going to be confused because they rely on you reacting predictably.
Think about the people in your life who say certain things just to make you upset. They know it makes you upset. That’s why they do it. If you know that’s why they do it, why give them the pleasure of seeing you upset?
Reacting the way a toxic person expects you to react is exactly what they want – that’s how they control you.
This is all about taking your power back in interactions that typically end up with you being offended, upset, or hurt. It’s not about becoming the person who hurts their feelings in return.
A Tai Chi Approach to Verbal Attacks
When somebody says something designed to hurt you or make you feel bad, think of it as a verbal punch. They’re punching you with their words, saying something that hurts or makes you feel bad.
In Tai Chi, when a punch comes at you, you move to the side and allow it to pass. You actually help that punch go past you by stepping aside and pulling it along. When their punch doesn’t land, and you “assist” them in continuing the motion of the punch, they find themselves stumbling forward. In other words, no landing means no impact.
When they can’t land a verbal blow on you, it depletes their energy. And you keep yours because you give no resistance. As soon as you give resistance, however, you expend energy. When you step to the side and help their verbal punch go right by you, they’re the ones who become depleted and have to reset.
If you sidestep every verbal punch that comes at you, they won’t want to communicate with you in the same way anymore.
Resistance in communication depletes your energy.
Resistance looks like this:
“You can’t do that to me.”
“I can’t believe you said that!”
“You have to explain yourself.”
“That’s awful. How could you be so cruel!”
Every time you resist a toxic person’s verbal attack, you’re expending energy. The more you explain, defend, or try to show them how bad or wrong they are, the more your words can be used against you. You know, your Miranda rights: Anything you say can and will be used against you. Toxic people take that to the extreme.
Be careful how much you talk with people who want to make you feel bad or hurt you. If you get into a long-winded explanation or defensive position, they’re going to find something in your words to latch onto and bring it right back on you. And if they get an emotional reaction out of you, they will have discovered a button they can push over and over again.
Practical Tools for Disarming Disempowering People
Here are a few ways to remove resistance in your responses to toxic people. Let’s say they make a snide remark about your appearance, like,”Oh, you’re wearing that again? Didn’t you wear that last time, too?”
1. Answer In Agreement
“Oh, you’re wearing that again? Didn’t you wear that last time, too?”
“Yup. I sure did. I love it.”
In this response, you didn’t become offended, you didn’t defend, and you didn’t lash out. You did something they didn’t expect. You offered no resistance and even created a little resistance on their end (since they were waiting for your triggered reaction).
2. Own Your Response
When you agree, make sure to own it completely. Say it in a way that shows you’re not bothered by their observation in the slightest.
Remember, the goal here isn’t about truth or fiction, or right or wrong. It’s about disarming the person who wants to disempower you.
Throwing them off is how you make sure that never happens. What does owning your response look like? Let’s say they follow your “I love it” with “Well, it looks ugly. It makes you look like a trash can.”
How do you answer that without resistance? I might say, “Oh, good. I’ve always loved grey,” or something like that.
3. Grey Rock Your Response
Toxic people cannot hurt you if they don’t know what makes you hurt. That’s why the grey rock technique is so effective. Can you tell if a cold, dull, grey rock has emotions? No? That’s because it doesn’t. A Grey Rock response might be a completely apathetic, “Okay.” Or “If you say so.”
The Grey Rock response contains no emotions, no opinions – nothing they can exploit.
When someone is trying to trigger you, and you respond like a dull, grey rock, it drives them crazy because they want you to react! A grey rock response to “You look like a dirty trash can,” might be, “Okay.”
Remember, showing no emotion gives nothing a toxic person can use.
4. “You’re Probably Right”
This is a powerful standalone tool. No matter what they say, if you respond, “You’re probably right,” where’s the resistance?
There is no resistance in: You’re probably right. This isn’t about defending yourself or making sure they understand they’re wrong. If you try to do that, they’ll latch onto something you said and try to hurt you with it.
What would this response look like with the “You look like a garbage can” comment? Something like this:
“Yeah. I’ve had this shirt for twenty years. Lots of stains on it. You’re probably right.”
Don’t look down and depressed when you say it. Just say it with confidence. If you look sad or defeated when you say it, that adds emotion they can work with. But it’s hard to turn “You’re probably right” against you, even though they may still try. But that’s why this is a toolbox, not a one-off box.
5. The Preemptive Strike
This is all about bringing something up, something you know they’ll mention, before they do. In other words, predict what they’ll say and say it first.
For example, let’s say there’s a stain on your shirt and you believe they’re going to say something about it, like, “Nice stain. Are you homeless now?”
Since that is not a very nice thing to say, and offensive to both you and homeless people, and you’ll probably feel bad when they say it (assuming responses like this have been a pattern), you could “head them off at the pass” by bringing it up before they do.
Here’s what that might look like:
“Hey, did you see the stain on my shirt? Check it out. I figured you’d say something about it. I’m just pointing it out to you, so save us both some time.”
How can they use what they were going to say against you if you’ve already said it? You’ve disarmed their ability to disempower you and put yourself in control.
They may still try to ride that wave. They might reply with, “Yeah, it does. You look stupid.” But, again, don’t resist just because your technique didn’t work perfectly. Go with it: “Oh, yeah. I’m with you. Totally stupid. I haven’t decided if I’m going to change it or not.”
Bonus points if you say, “And won’t you be embarrassed to be walking around with me today!?” I’m joking, of course (sort of).
6. The “Whatever” Shrug
Sometimes a simple sigh or shrug can work. It doesn’t matter if what they say to hurt you is true or not; it’s about disarming them. A “Whatever” gesture can convey a lot without saying much at all.
The Whatever Shrug is like saying, “I don’t care. Your words don’t bother me.” It’s a step up from Grey Rock, but still in the same tone as that.
“I can’t say any of these things. They’ll be a nightmare to deal with afterward.”
I realize not every relationship will be able to withstand empowered responses like this. You will have to know when it’s best to attempt such things and when to realize nothing you do or say will ever change the other person.
I also know this is a sensitive subject. Some relationships are dangerous. This is why you must pick your battles wisely.
The sad part is that most kind people who are mistreated will often take the blame and think they’re at fault. But typically, the kind, generous, caring person is not the one at fault. It’s usually the person trying to hurt the kind person who’s to blame (but never takes responsibility).
Sometimes kind people do become offensive because they were hurt in that moment. That’s when they might look irrational, for sure, as you can only take so much. That’s another way toxic people make you out to be the “bad guy.” They elicit the response from you that makes you look crazy to everyone else.
Remember, if you go forward with any of these suggestions, some people know how to hit your heart hard and deep. By eliminating as much resistance as possible first, it might help you avoid getting into another heated conversation with someone with whom you know you can’t “win.”
When Children Are Involved
When a child tells you something untrue that someone else said about you to them, it’s often better to ask them questions than to correct them or explain what’s true.
So instead of defending or explaining yourself, there’s a better approach.
What that looks like:
Instead of telling a child, “No, that’s not true at all. This is really what happened,” ask them, “Do you think that’s true?”
Then leave it at that. This shows you trust them to come up with their own answer instead of trying to convince them of anything (which is often what abusive people do with children – they try to convince the children to believe them).
The child may get it wrong at first. They may say, “Well, so and so said you’re horrible, and you don’t love me.”
As much as that might hurt to hear, ask the child, “Do you think that’s true?”
The goal is for them to start asking you questions. Children are curious and don’t want to believe bad things about people they love, so they’ll search for truths, hoping to clear your name so they can feel more comfortable loving you.
Don’t try to convince a child you’re right. The toxic person is already doing that. Just remember, the person who asks questions is showing trust in the child’s thought process. And that goes a long way.
On the flip side, the person who tries to convince the child who’s right and who’s wrong will make the child realize, “One person is always feeding stories to me, and the other one is trusting me to make up my own mind. And that’s a good thing. Children are brilliant, and they’ll eventually come to the right conclusion on their own.
You may not get far with a child in your first conversation with them, but as you continue to have more talks, they smarten up. They’ll realize that maybe everything they hear from the convincing person isn’t necessarily true because they don’t see the other person overreacting.
And try to remember the child has been told what to expect from you. In other words, the toxic person has told the child, “They’re going to get angry and defensive, and that’s how you’ll know I’m telling the truth.” Yes, it’s manipulative, but that’s how they operate.
And it’s a good thing to remember that this will happen (the toxic person will tell the child what to expect from you), so you don’t react in ways they expect you to. Remember what I said earlier: Toxic people expect you to react a certain way. This is also what they fill into the minds of children. You don’t want to prove the toxic person right.
That’s why I like the questioning technique over any other way to work with a child who has been manipulated into believing the lies they’ve been told. Questions help the child convince themselves of what’s true. And that’s what sticks.
In fact, the question, “Do you think that’s true?” works with anyone, not just children. It helps them access their inner wisdom because everyone has inner wisdom, even if they can’t normally access it.
If you have children, don’t worry too much. They are resilient and smart. Many adults who have come from broken homes where one or both parents were narcissistic or emotionally abusive have survived and figured things out.
When a child grows up and eventually leaves home, they might need help processing what they went through, but they do get through it.
Moving Beyond Victim Mode
Learning these strategies and tools is helpful. You can practice them with less toxic people before using them in more difficult situations.
But sometimes we can sit in victim mode too long, dwelling on the past, looking in the rearview mirror, and wondering what we should have done differently. That can be debilitating.
Some people can move beyond it. Some can’t stop ruminating about what could have been and what they missed. When you can’t stop thinking about what could have been, these are obsessive thoughts.
It’s not healthy to obsess about people or events. It’s important to heal from them and move on. If you obsess, you don’t have forward momentum. You may be moving forward, but is happiness coming with you? Or is it stuck behind those events?
The goal is to move forward and bring happiness with you. Don’t keep looking in the rearview mirror, telling yourself that if that didn’t happen, your life would be different today. Sometimes it takes a while to heal. Sometimes we’re carrying around PTSD that needs to be addressed. But once you address it, you can start moving forward and feeling good inside yourself again.
It might take work, but you can do this. You might have a long way to go, or maybe just a few more steps. Keep walking in that direction. You’ll gain forward momentum, and the snowball will get bigger as it rolls downhill. And pretty soon you’ll be unstoppable.
When you’re able to sidestep verbal punches and disarm the person who disempowers, you take your power back. You allow the energy to pass right by you, and they’ll continue looking for that resistance they can’t find.
Key takeaways for communicating with toxic people:
- Disarm Manipulators: Don’t react as they expect; keep them puzzled.
- Be Proactive, Not Reactive: Plan your responses in advance to avoid falling into old patterns.
- Own It: Agree with their viewpoint first, then redirect the conversation.
- Gray Rock Technique: Be unapologetically unemotional to leave emotional abusers confused and grasping at straws.
- Pre-Handle Objections: Mention potential criticisms before they do to disarm them.
- Avoid Defensive Responses: Statements like “I didn’t mean to” keep the focus on you, not them.
- Sidestep Verbal Punches: Let their negative energy pass by you, conserving your own energy.
- Be Mindful of Resistance: Any form of resistance is draining; be aware of your own.
- Work on Self-Improvement: Bring your best self into relationships.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
