Feeling stuck, like really stuck, sucks. And when you feel like you have no other options but to accept your circumstances, it can feel sad.
And sometimes, you can even become depressed, making you wish you could at least feel sad again!
I received an email from someone seeking advice about dealing with their mother. The situation is complex and emotionally charged. This person’s mother has endured abuse throughout her life, first from her own father and now from her husband.
The email writer loves their mother deeply but feels a mix of guilt and resentment. Growing up, they and their siblings took on the role of their mother’s therapists, feeling responsible for her well-being.
Now in their early twenties, this person still lives at home. They feel trapped, unable to leave due to their parents’ influence. Being in this environment leads to intense depression and thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. They try to escape by hiding in their room or going out, but their controlling father makes even that difficult.
The main issue is that while the mother is constantly emotionally abused, she’s also challenging to be around. She’s described as overbearing, talkative, and forceful. The email writer finds themselves cringing and withdrawing when near her, as if trying to shelter themselves from her presence.
This is a tough situation, especially when living with parents as an adult. If you want to be treated with kindness and respect, it’s challenging to achieve that while under someone else’s roof. When parents are the rule-makers and you’re staying in their house, possibly not paying rent, they tend to call the shots. It’s their house, their rules, and as long as you stay there, that’s unlikely to change. I understand how defeating and miserable this can feel.
To the person who wrote, I won’t sugarcoat it or tell you not to feel the way you do. Your feelings are valid, and many people would feel similarly in your situation. However, I want to offer a different perspective.
Right now, your world is contained within the “box” of living with your parents. Your depression is based on what’s inside that box, but the world is infinitely bigger than that.
Your current reality is defined by the boundaries of this box, and it’s been your world for over two decades. It’s all you’ve known as a reference point. While you’ve likely ventured out occasionally, you always return to this foundation, this home base.
“Home” is supposed to be where you feel safe, comfortable, and free to be yourself. It should be your most secure place. If you can’t feel that security at home, something needs to change. The challenge is finding a way to expand your world beyond the confines of your current situation, to see possibilities beyond the box you’ve been living in.
You mentioned feeling stuck in your current living situation. While I don’t know the specifics, I understand it’s a personal matter. Living under someone else’s roof often means following their rules, which can be frustrating. If you’re paying rent, you might be able to view the situation differently – as an adult renting a room rather than a child living at home.
If you’re experiencing abusive behavior, it’s important to consider your options. If you are paying rent, you might have the means to find another place to live. I’m not suggesting you should or shouldn’t do this, but if I were in that situation, I’d start looking for ways to leave.
Unfortunately, people who haven’t changed their behavior by now are unlikely to do so in the future. I know this might sound like terrible news, especially if you’re feeling depressed or having thoughts about not wanting to live anymore. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. In the US, you can call 988, which is the suicide and crisis hotline.
Is This All There Is?
It’s crucial to understand that your current situation isn’t the entirety of what life has to offer. When you’re stuck in one environment, it can feel like your whole world. But there’s so much more out there to experience. I’m not saying this to minimize your current struggles, but to highlight that there’s more to life than what you’re currently experiencing.
Leaving your comfort zone and experiencing more of the world can give you a new perspective. You might look back on your current situation and realize that while it was difficult, it doesn’t define your entire life. It’s like being in a toxic relationship and thinking all relationships are like that – it’s a limited view based on limited experience.
If you’re feeling hopeless, try to think about what you’ve always wanted to do in life. Even if it seems impossible or impractical, considering these dreams can open up new possibilities. For example, if you’ve always wanted to travel but worry about the cost and that kept you from looking any further, it might be worth exploring how you could make it happen.
Remember, your current reality is not the only reality. There’s a whole world out there with different experiences, people, and opportunities. Sometimes, taking a step outside your comfort zone can lead to unexpected positive changes in your life.
Whenever I run into a person with self-harming or even suicidal thoughts, I want to help them explore what they’ve always wanted to do, even if they feel they have nothing. I encourage them to try new experiences, asking if they’ve ever done certain things that they could perhaps try for the first time.
When they express concerns about money or potential consequences, I definitely acknowledge these are valid worries. However, to anyone reading this who may feel stuck with no options, I suggest trying something different than you’ve been trying before giving up. Even something as basic as adult education classes that can expand your mind, as it can lead to personal growth and new perspectives.
While I’m not a therapist, I care and want to offer support as a friend would. I’d suggest trying several steps before considering any final, irreversible decisions. I’m here to listen and talk, but in serious situations, involving a professional is crucial.
I share this because I genuinely care, even if I don’t know you personally. If you’re reading this, you might be looking for someone who understands. I’ve experienced depression and suicidal thoughts too. You probably want guidance from someone who’s been there and found a way through. While I don’t have perfect answers, I can offer ideas and different ways of thinking that might help.
Often, we get trapped in a mindset where we believe life won’t improve. But that’s not true. Let me share my own journey:
I’m 53 as of this writing. From birth to age 10, I experienced a mix of emotions – happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and more, just like everyone else. In my house, I was scared of my stepfather, so I preferred being alone. I had few friends, and one was a bully. Despite the occasional play with neighbors, I mostly wanted solitude due to the trauma and toxicity in my upbringing. I decided it was safer and more comfortable being alone, leading to my introversion today.
From ages 10 to 20, I navigated my teens feeling insecure, enduring bullying in high school, and avoiding dating due to self-consciousness. I eventually had my first girlfriend but remained very self-conscious and introverted. I developed many unhealthy coping mechanisms during this time.
Between 20 and 35, I moved to Florida, a thousand miles from home. I went through two significant relationships, including one major long-term one, but I ended up ruining both. Throughout this period, I remained introverted.
I want to share with you the landscape of my life, which for a long time felt like being trapped in a box. I didn’t know how to value myself or feel worthy. Instead, I felt righteous, leading to emotionally abusive behaviors toward people I cared about. Throughout childhood, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms that made me pretty much unable to cope with the challenges that came along in normal life circumstance. My worldview was limited by how I grew up, and I didn’t push beyond my beliefs or comfort zone.
As an introvert, I stuck to what felt safe and affordable, playing it safe for most of my life. While this approach works for some, it can be challenging for those dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts. When you’re in that dark space – what I call “the void” – where you feel empty of emotions, you need to find a new source of light or a fresh perspective on life.
When you do this, you might realize that your thoughts have been based on a narrow view, often shaped by toxic people in your life. This limited exposure can make you believe that no one else will love you or treat you right, and that you’ll never be happy. But that’s not true.
I’ve shared my life’s journey from my teens to where I am now to show how much growth and change is possible. I’ve experienced many phases, with both difficult and joyful times. I wouldn’t have known the great things in life if I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone and become curious about what else was out there.
If you’re feeling stuck, it’s important to look for ways to get unstuck. Even when it seems impossible, there’s always a solution. In rare cases, like if you’re disabled and rely on others for daily living, options might seem limited. I sympathize if you’re in that position.
Sometimes, we have choices that can take us out of toxic situations, but we don’t make them because they seem worse than our current situation. This is often because we’ve been in our “box” for so long that we can’t imagine anything better.
Waiting For Others To Change Before You’re Happy
Let me share a story about my mom. She was in an abusive relationship with my stepfather, an alcoholic, for over 40 years. That was her “box,” and she couldn’t see a way out or imagine being happy. She hoped he would leave or die, but he never did. She told him she hated him regularly, but he stayed.
Finally, after 40 years, he left. He got involved with a fake internet girlfriend and was scammed out of money, but he believed it was real. That’s probably more than you need to know about my family, but it illustrates how even seemingly hopeless situations can change.
Sometimes it takes an unexpected event to break free from an unhealthy relationship. In this case, an online scam lured a man out of a toxic situation where both partners were stuck in harmful patterns. He was creating toxicity, getting drunk, and making his partner’s life (my mom) miserable. She, in turn, expressed hatred toward him daily. The relationship had even involved physical abuse (him abusing her) on several occasions.
Both the abuser and the abused were trapped in their roles, unable to see beyond their familiar, destructive dynamic. It wasn’t until this external factor came along that they finally separated. When he left and they divorced, she felt a sense of freedom. However, waiting for someone to change or leave isn’t always advisable, as it can take years or may never happen at all.
I don’t like waiting, especially not for decades. That’s why I tell myself that a person will never, ever change. If I’m in a toxic situation hoping for improvement, I remind myself it won’t happen. This mindset keeps me grounded and prevents obsessive thinking.
Obsessive thinking involves constantly hoping, praying, and wishing for change. You might wonder daily if they’ll finally notice your pain or stop hurting you. But looking at past behavior is a good indicator of future actions. If they haven’t changed before, it’s unlikely they will now.
This realization might sound defeating, but it actually puts the responsibility for change on you. If you want things to be different, you need to take action. I know it’s not easy to hear this, especially if you feel stuck and helpless.
My suggestion is to start thinking of options, even if they seem impractical at first. For example, if you have money issues, could you get a loan and find your own place? Could you sell your car for some quick cash? Could you buy items at low prices at yard sales and sell them for more online?
These ideas might seem risky or unsustainable, but they’re a starting point for thinking outside your current situation. We often dismiss these “crazy” scenarios because we fear they’ll set us back or we lack the resources to make them work. But considering these options is crucial. It helps expand your frame of reference beyond the world you’re currently living in. By exploring these possibilities, you might just find a way to break free from the box you’re in and create positive change in your life.
The world you create and live in shapes your frame of reference. If you don’t have experiences outside that frame, where do your answers come from? They come from your own perceptions and mind, which have only been exposed to what you’ve encountered so far in life.
Your frame of reference is built on your age, experiences, and the jobs you’ve had. When I get messages from people who feel they have no choice in their situation, 9 out of 10 times they’ve been in the same relationship for over a decade, sometimes even 2 or 3 decades. This could be a romantic relationship, one with parents, or any other person that’s unhealthy for them. Their long-term relationship becomes their box, their limited frame of reference.
These individuals often don’t know anything else because they haven’t expanded their horizons. They haven’t broadened their circle of friends, strengthened their support system, tried new things, changed jobs, or left unhealthy relationships. They’re stuck in a life that’s like a skipping record, repeating the same part over and over again.
We sometimes put ourselves in these ruts because we’re in this record-skipping mode. If you’re unfamiliar with the reference, vinyl records used to skip, repeating the same part of a song. This analogy applies when you’re around the same people, in the same job, in the same city for a long time. You might start thinking there’s nothing more out there, that life doesn’t offer anything different.
I know this might sound like common sense to some, but others need to hear it. We often get stuck because we don’t believe there’s anything more, so we don’t even try to change our circumstances.
I don’t want you to feel trapped. I know people who’ve had the same job for decades and feel unhappy. When I ask what would happen if they changed jobs, I usually get responses like, “I can’t do that because I’m at a pay rate I can’t match elsewhere,” or “I’ve been here so long, I know exactly what to do and don’t want to stress myself with something new.” They come up with reasonable-sounding excuses, but these responses tell me they’re afraid to take a leap of faith.
If you’re content where you are, there’s no need to make a big change. However, if you’re unhappy, why not consider trying something different? This could mean exploring a new job, moving to a new place, or addressing issues in your relationship.
For those in unhappy relationships, it might be time to have an honest conversation with your partner. Express your feelings and discuss what needs to change. In some cases, like with difficult parents, this conversation can be challenging. If you tell someone their behavior hurts you and they dismiss your feelings or call you “too sensitive,” it’s a sign they may not be willing to change.
When people minimize or invalidate your feelings, it can make you feel like you’re to blame. In these situations, you might have to accept that some people won’t change and consider your options moving forward.
Living under someone else’s roof often means following their rules, but it shouldn’t mean enduring abuse. If you find yourself in a toxic environment, remember there’s more to life beyond your current situation. Taking a leap of faith and trying something new can expose you to different perspectives and opportunities.
While I’m not advising you to choose homelessness over a toxic living situation, I personally value my well-being too much to stay around people who consistently hurt me emotionally. I understand it’s tough when you’re younger, or have limited resources and depend on others. But if you’re in your twenties or older, you’re an adult capable of making your own decisions.
Becoming independent can be scary. It involves many firsts – living on your own, renting or buying your first home. But it also offers the chance to live without unhealthy influences in your life. Taking that leap into the unknown is how you discover what you’re capable of.
Valuing the Most Important Person In Your Life
Valuing yourself means protecting yourself, both internally and externally. Just as you’d instinctively pull your hand away from a hot stove, you should also distance yourself from toxic people. This doesn’t mean confronting dangerous individuals directly. Instead, it’s about making choices that keep you safe and surround you with more positive influences.
Remember, taking care of yourself sometimes means removing yourself from harmful situations and seeking out healthier environments. It’s about recognizing your worth and making decisions that reflect that value.
Sometimes, we feel like we have no choice. But making tough decisions can lead to positive changes. When we distance ourselves from toxic situations and people, our thinking becomes clearer. Our thoughts expand beyond limitations into new possibilities, which can be scary but necessary.
It’s often a choice between staying in a known bad situation or risking an unknown one. The known situation won’t change, but the unknown holds potential.
To the person who reached out to me, it’s hard to give you advice without knowing all the facts, especially when you feel stuck at your parents’ house. I knowk that getting unstuck is easier said than done.
Mental motivation can help. Sometimes we just need someone to say, “You’ve got this.” I’ve learned that every limiting situation I’ve been in could be overcome, allowing me to see beyond it.
After a breakup in my thirties, I fell into a deep depression. I felt numb, devoid of emotion. It was like sitting in a dark room with only a tiny sliver of light from a distant door.
That sliver of hope exists for you too, but you have to make the effort to reach it. Sometimes we must take an unfamiliar journey and figure it out as we go. If your current path has led to unhappiness and suicidal thoughts, it’s time to change direction, even if it’s scary.
During the 2008 mortgage crisis, my wife and I went broke and relied on soup kitchens. When I finally got a low-paying job I hated, I felt trapped in an emotional prison from which there was no escape. After all, quitting meant going back to the soup kitchen.
When I expressed this sad and stuck emotional state to my wife at the time, she told me that she’d support any deicsion I wanted and needed to make for myself, even if it meant being broke again. I tear up thinking about her unconditional support for me back then. I wanted to quit and she supported that decision, prioritizing my emotional well-being over the money we desperately needed.
I felt completely liberated, even though we returned to the soup kitchen the next day.
Weeks later, I found a job opportunity that paid double what I was earning before (at the job I hated) and also allowed me to travel the country doing what I loved. This happened because I chose to open myself up to new possibilities.
Quitting that job was a huge leap of faith. I had to believe in myself and know that even if I failed, I could get back up and make it work because that’s who I am. I refuse to give up.
To the person who wrote, if you’re in your early 20s, you’ve already come a long way. You’ve likely fallen and gotten up many times, proving you have the resilience to keep going. If you’re reading this and worried about falling again, remember that you will get up. You always have before.
If you don’t try something new, you’ll keep getting the same results. If you’re unhappy with your current situation, why not take a different path? Why not take a risk? Are we here just to be miserable? Some might think so, but I don’t believe that’s our purpose.
While suffering is a part of life, there’s so much more to experience. There’s joy, sadness, anger – a whole range of emotions beyond the confines of our comfort zone. When we step out of our familiar surroundings, we often discover the world is much bigger than we imagined.
Sometimes, we need to take scary steps to realize there’s more to life than what we’ve known. If you reading this now are in a similar situation, be open to the possibility that life has more to offer than you’ve seen so far.
If you’re basing your future on past experiences alone, you might be limiting your view of what’s possible. I’m not saying this to put you down or call you ignorant. After 53 years, I’ve learned that no matter how bad things got, there was always a glimmer of hope – a sliver of light in the doorway across the room.
Sometimes you have to push yourself to get up, crawl if necessary, and open that door to see what’s on the other side. You won’t know until you try. It can be frightening – it always has been for me. But often, it takes those big, scary steps to change your life for the better.
I wish you much strength and healing as you move forward.
