A mom doesn’t want to sit next to her abusive ex during her child’s wedding, but doesn’t want to come across as selfish.
Is it selfish to make healthy choices that will keep you happy and safe? If you find yourself making decisions to keep others happy, it might be time to consider what that costs you in the long run.
I received a message from someone who’s about a year out from separating after a 35-plus-year marriage. She said her ex definitely has narcissistic traits. She finally began opening up to her best friend about what was happening. Her friend has been her biggest support, but that friend is still friends with this woman’s ex and his social circle.
So, now her oldest child is getting married, and her ex wants to sit with her at the wedding. His family will be there, too. She didn’t have enough boundaries during her marriage and is trying to prioritize her happiness now, but she feels pressure not to be selfish on her child’s special day. She asked for my take on this situation and mentioned that this relationship has changed her forever. She’s not the same person she was.
I want to address this because it’s something many people face after leaving a toxic relationship. You’ve spent years, sometimes decades, in a relationship where you didn’t honor yourself. You didn’t know how to set boundaries, or maybe you tried, and they were constantly violated. Now you’re out of that relationship, you’re healing, and suddenly you’re faced with a situation where the person who hurt you wants something from you again.
When you’re in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, it often starts out wonderful. That’s how these relationships begin. They’re charming, attentive, and make you feel special. But over time, things change. The person you thought you knew reveals their true nature, and you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace, and losing yourself in the process.
Let’s say you spent 35 years in a relationship like this, building your life together like this woman did. Let’s say you had children, shared memories, and have made a history that can’t be erased. But mixed in with that, you also have pain, trauma, and a sense of self that’s been eroded over time.
When you finally leave a relationship like that, it’s not just about physically separating. It’s about reclaiming who you are and learning to honor yourself in ways you never did before.
To the woman who wrote to me: The chaos in your head that you mentioned is real. It’s the result of years of gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse. You start to question your own reality because someone has been telling you for years that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings don’t matter, and your needs are selfish. When you finally get away from that influence, you have to rebuild your sense of self from the ground up.
This woman said her best friend is her biggest support. That is wonderful. But the fact that her best friend is still friends with her ex and his social circle adds another layer of complexity. This is all too common, unfortunately. Not everyone sees the side of your ex that you experienced. To the outside world, he might seem charming, successful, and reasonable. They don’t see the private moments where he tore you down, controlled you, or made you feel small.
This woman’s ex wants to sit with her at their child’s wedding. Let’s break down what this request really means. On the surface, it might seem reasonable! After all, you’re both parents of the person getting married. You’ll both be there, so why not sit together and present a united front for your child?
But really, what does sitting with him do for you?
Does it make you feel comfortable?
Does it allow you to be fully present for your daughter’s wedding?
Or does it put you in a position where you’re managing his emotions, his family’s expectations, and your own discomfort all at the same time?
Let me speak directly to the woman who shared this with me: You mentioned that you didn’t have enough boundaries during your marriage. So this wedding may very well be your opportunity to practice having boundaries.
A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s about deciding what you will and won’t accept in your own life.
You get to decide where you sit at your child’s wedding.
You get to decide who you spend time with.
You get to decide what makes you comfortable.
The pressure you’re feeling not to be selfish on your child’s special day is understandable, but let’s reframe this. Is it selfish to want to be fully present and emotionally available for your daughter on her wedding day? Is it selfish to protect your own emotional well-being so that you can actually enjoy this milestone? I don’t think so.
Being selfish would be making the wedding about you and your needs to the detriment of your daughter’s experience. But setting a boundary that allows you to show up as your best self for her is not selfish. It’s self-loving.
And when you love yourself enough to honor your boundaries, you’re actually in a better position to love and support the people around you.
Dealing With The Manipulative Ex
If you do find yourself in situations where you have to interact with a manipulative or narcissistic ex, there’s a technique called grey rocking that can be helpful. The idea is to become as uninteresting and unresponsive as a grey rock. You don’t give them the emotional reactions they’re looking for. You keep your responses brief, boring, and factual.
People with narcissistic and emotionally abusive traits feed off your emotional reactions.
These people want to see that they can still affect you, still get under your skin, and still have power over you. When you refuse to give them that reaction, you take away their power. You become boring to them, and they often move on to someone else who will give them the emotional supply they’re seeking.
This doesn’t mean you have to be rude or cold. You can be polite and civil without being emotionally available. To the woman who wrote to me, if your ex tries to engage you in conversation at the wedding, you can respond with simple, factual statements. “The ceremony was lovely.” “The food is good.” “I’m going to go talk to some other guests now.” You don’t owe him explanations, justifications, or emotional energy.
The key is to not allow toxic individuals to dictate your emotional responses. You get to decide how you feel and how you react. When someone tries to manipulate you or push your buttons, you can choose not to engage. You can choose to remain calm and centered in yourself.
I’ve used this technique in my own life with people who tried to control or manipulate me. It’s not always easy, especially in the beginning. You might feel like you’re being mean or cold. But you’re not. You’re protecting yourself and your emotional well-being. And that’s not only okay, it’s necessary.
Honoring Yourself Is Not Selfish, It’s Self-Love
People who truly love you will not only honor your boundaries but also support you in honoring your boundaries. People who care about you want you to be happy and comfortable. And they’ll respect your decisions even if they don’t fully understand or agree with them.
If your ex or his family or even some of your friends don’t support your decision to sit separately at the wedding, that tells you something important. It tells you that they’re more concerned with appearances or their own comfort than with your well-being. And that’s information you can use to make decisions about how much energy you invest in those relationships going forward.
You don’t need to explain or justify your boundaries to anyone. When you start explaining, you give people an opportunity to argue with you, to try to change your mind, to make you feel guilty. You can simply state your decision and leave it at that: “I’ve decided to sit with some other family members at the wedding.”
That’s it. You don’t need to add, “because sitting with my ex makes me uncomfortable” or “because he was abusive to me for 35 years.” Those are true statements, but they’re not necessary for enforcing your boundary.
I learned this the hard way in my own life. I used to feel like I had to justify every decision I made, especially if it went against what someone else wanted. But I realized that when I justified my decisions, I was essentially asking for permission. And I don’t need permission to honor myself. Neither do you.
The people who love you will accept your decision. They might ask if you’re okay or if there’s anything they can do to support you, but they won’t pressure you to change your mind.
The people who don’t love you in a healthy way will try to make you feel guilty, selfish, or unreasonable. They’ll tell you that you’re making things difficult or that you’re being dramatic. Those reactions tell you everything you need to know about whether those people have your best interests at heart.
When you’re faced with a decision like this, I always recommend asking yourself, What would I do if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences? That question cuts through all the noise and gets to the heart of what you really want.
Still speaking directly to the author of that message, if you had no fear of what your ex would think, what his family would think, what your friends would think, or even what your daughter might think, what would you do? Would you sit with him? Or would you sit somewhere else where you could relax and enjoy the wedding?
Your answer to that question is your truth. And your truth is usually the right path for you. It’s the path that aligns with your values and your well-being. Everything else is fear talking. Fear of judgment, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as difficult or selfish.
I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life based on fear. I stayed in situations that weren’t good for me because I was afraid of what would happen if I left. I tolerated behavior that violated my boundaries because I was afraid of the consequences of speaking up. And every single time, I regretted it. Not because the consequences were terrible, but because I betrayed myself. I chose someone else’s comfort over my own well-being.
When I finally started making decisions based on what I truly wanted rather than what I was afraid of, my life changed dramatically. I became more confident, more peaceful, and more authentic. The people who truly loved me supported my decisions. And the people who didn’t support my decisions showed me that they were more invested in controlling me than in loving me.
This woman has already taken the hardest step by leaving the marriage. She’s already shown tremendous courage by starting to rebuild her life. Now she gets to continue that journey by making decisions that honor who she is and what she needs.
To this woman, your daughter’s wedding is a significant event. It’s a day that should be filled with joy, love, and celebration. You deserve to experience that day fully. You deserve to be present, to feel your emotions, to celebrate your daughter without the distraction of managing your ex’s presence or emotions.
If sitting with your ex would prevent you from being fully present, then don’t do it. If it would cause you stress or anxiety, then don’t do it. If it would make you feel like you’re back in that old dynamic where you had to manage his feelings and put yourself last, then definitely don’t do it.
This is your daughter’s day, yes. But you’re also a person with needs and feelings. And honoring yourself doesn’t take anything away from your daughter. In fact, when you show up as your authentic, empowered self, you’re modeling for her what it looks like to have healthy boundaries and self-respect. That’s a gift!
I’m grateful you shared your story. I know it takes courage to open up about these experiences, especially when you’re still processing everything that happened.
The fact that you’re thinking about these things, asking these questions, and trying to make decisions that honor yourself tells me that you’re on the right path. You’re healing. You’re growing. And you’re becoming the person you were always meant to be before that relationship dimmed your light.
Keep honoring yourself. Keep setting boundaries. Keep prioritizing your well-being. The people who matter will support you. And the ones who don’t will show you that they’re not worth your energy. You’ve got this.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
I just went through a similar situation last weekend. At my daughter’s wedding rehearsal, the wedding planner had my physically and emotionally abusive ex husband sit next to me after walking my daughter down the aisle. I was shocked and ready to pass out from fear.
My daughter saw me talking to the wedding planner about changing the seating. I requested that someone sit next to my ex and that my boyfriend sit next to me, who at this point was supposed to sit somewhere in the crowd.
My daughter came into the conversation as did my ex. She told me I had to do this for her wedding. The planner must have noticed my fear as I was close to tears and said she liked my idea and it would be fine as both parents will still be in the front row.
My daughter went to her hotel room followed by my ex and cried.
The rest of the wedding was very stressed for me and it looked like I was the instigator making my daughter upset. She was very distant to me and later posted numerous photos of her and her father on social media of the special day.
I feel she is in denial about what happened. He is much worse that what I have said here. I didn’t even mention what he did to my oldest daughter which was when I left him, or his brother.
I never entered my mind she would put me next to him. Later I found out that he had requested it.
So please if you are in this situation, make an effort to talk to your child regarding this instead assuming they understood.
I am so saddened by this situation. I’m sorry this happened. Children have a much different experience of an abuser parent than what the abuser’s partner/victim has gone through. To your daughter, this day was about her and your fears were secondary. To you, you were trying to make it all about your daughter, but you were being put back into trauma from someone who was and probably still is literally a threat to you. Even if he has changed, it doesn’t erase the years of abuse you’ve been through.
I don’t know the best resolution for you here. As much as you don’t have to apologize to your daughter for having real fear sitting next to him, the way forward may be to do just that. I hate even suggesting that. The truth is your daughter should understand and have compassion for you. You were abused! She should have considered that when planning this out.
So why would I ever suggest apologizing to her? It’s not because you owe her one. It’s because she believes you owe her one. And if you stand your ground and refuse, which you have every right to do, she may never be able to get past her perception of how you acted on that day.
Apologizing isn’t because you’re sorry. It’s because you want a relationship with your daughter. And she simply cannot fathom what you went through, so she is minimizing your experience. She absolutely shouldn’t do that. But because she may be convinced by your ex that you are just overreacting, you may not be able to convince her otherwise. And because of that, she may hold on to resentment.
It’s a very sad and difficult scenario. There is no true right answer that ends with everyone hugging each other, which is why I might suggest what I might consider a little bit of “seeding” where you plant a thought that might blossom into an understanding later.
How does that look? “I’m so sorry how I acted at your wedding. I should have prioritized you but I didn’t. I was shaking in fear about all the years of abuse and I was simply scared to be around him. But I should have set that aside so that you could have your special day in peace and joy. Again, I’m sorry for that. I love you and am so happy for you.”
Personally, I don’t want you to say that. I would rather you say, “You saw how afraid I was to sit next to him. He hit me. He hurt me so many times. I am so scared of him and you insisted that I sit next to the person who abused me for years. Of course I wanted to sit somewhere else!”
But would that pull her toward you in a way that makes a loving connection? We know it wouldn’t. We know how that would end. She would consider you selfish and having justified you “ruining the one day she should be the happiest.”
Thinkig professionally, however, IF you are trying to mend the relationship, the “seeding” I mentioned would be you telling her your fear and the reasons for it, but not making that the issue – you’re making your “selfishness” the issue.
No, you weren’t being selfish. You were having legitimate PTSD and an active trauma response at the same time. But by saying what I wrote above, you are planting the seed just how much you were abused that she hasn’t yet comprehended. Later on, that seed will blossom and turn into an understanding and hopefully, finally, at least sympathy for what you must have been experiencing.
The apology about being selfish is really just a way to help mend a broken connection. Again, that’s IF you want to. I’m a full believer in being authentic and standing up for yourself, honoring yourself. But sometimes, when you want a relationship with certain people in your life and they simply don’t understand what you’re going through – or don’t believe what you’ve been through, AND you want a relationship with them, a suggestion like this might be a possible new start.
Or not. I don’t know the state of things between you. I’m just thinking about a way forward you may or may not want to pursue.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this for anyone that needs to hear it. It’s so important. I appreciate you. Stay strong.