So you did something you regret, and now you walk around feeling guilty all the time.
Guilt isn’t something you keep. It’s supposed to be a message that disappears after you’ve learned the lesson. If you carry guilt long after the event, it may be time to release it.
I received an email from someone sharing a painful situation. She drunkenly kissed someone, though she doesn’t remember it happening.
She said, “I listen to your podcast, and I’m just so upset. I think I’m horrible and irrational. I called my boyfriend, and he forgave me, but I can’t believe I hurt him. We weren’t perfect, but I thought I was a good person. And here I am doing something like this. I’m so overwhelmed with guilt. We love each other so much. I just want to make sure I can close the door and understand that it was one mistake, but it’s still awful.”
As you can see, she’s being incredibly hard on herself. And I want to thank her for sharing this. How many times have you made a mistake and felt bad about it, or worse, guilty? I separate these into two distinct categories because it’s important to understand the difference.
When you carry guilt, remember it’s actually a message. It’s telling you to improve, to do better next time, to never repeat that mistake.
But why do we have to keep replaying that same old guilt message over and over every time we think of the event?
I used to carry guilt as a constant reminder, perhaps because I wanted to make myself feel bad. I thought if I kept feeling terrible, it would ensure I never let myself off the hook.
That’s an awful way to live. I don’t want you living with guilt. Instead, treat guilt as the message it is, and let feeling bad serve as your reminder.
I’ve talked extensively about guilt in other episodes. Just search for the word “guilt” on my podcast page. While you don’t need those episodes to understand this article, they provide helpful context for dealing with guilt.
My approach to dealing with guilt is straightforward: define what made you feel guilty, then take action in the opposite direction of that behavior.
Let me share an example from my own past. When I was in my twenties, I didn’t want to take care of my animals. I took my cats to the shelter and gave my bird away because they were too much responsibility. I was immature and wasn’t a nice person around animals. While I wasn’t abusive, I didn’t treat them like the sentient, feeling beings they are.
Back then, I didn’t care. I lacked empathy for animals. They were just there to please me. I was completely selfish and unempathetic. As I evolved and became more mature, I started feeling guilty about how I’d treated them. I then carried that guilt around, not knowing how to release it.
I remembered how I’d treated these animals and couldn’t get away from the guilty feelings I had. So I made a commitment to myself. I told myself if I ever had animals again, I would treat them like gold, like royalty. I wanted them to feel fully loved and cared for.
That was my first step out of guilt. It was a move in the opposite direction of my past behavior. I didn’t feel better yet, but that commitment I made was a start.
Moving in the opposite direction of my guilt gave me the feeling I was doing something right instead of ruminating on what I did wrong.
Always move in the right direction, even though you may not be able to make things right with the specific person or creature to whom you may have caused harm.
I don’t know if any of those animals from my past are still alive, except maybe the parrot. And I have no idea if they suffered trauma from my neglect or mistreatment. I still feel bad about how I treated them, even today. If I bring up the memories, tears will come to my eyes.
But I don’t feel the guilt anymore because guilt is damaging and destructive. Guilt keeps you stagnant and prevents you from moving forward. And how can you progress in life, move toward happiness, or move in the right direction if you’re stuck in guilt?
Making that commitment to myself was my first step. It didn’t absolve me of accountability or erase that past. The past is a part of what I carry forward. But the past doesn’t have to feel like guilt. We don’t have to carry guilt.
If you’re carrying guilt, see it only as a message, not something to carry forward. Pick it up, recognize what you need to do, then let it go.
You cannot carry guilt forward while simultaneously doing the right thing or moving in the opposite direction of what made you feel guilty in the first place.
Guilt and doing the right thing can’t occupy the same space. While there might be some gray areas, adopt this belief so you can move beyond guilt and have more energy and mental clarity to step in the right direction, opposite of what kept you feeling guilty.
I talked to my partner about this. She used to feel guilty about not singing or reading to her child when he was young. But later, she found pictures and old letters that showed she actually did these things. She just didn’t remember.
For years, she carried guilt about not doing “the right thing” with her child. This guilt weighed heavily on her spirit and happiness. Though she could get through most days without thinking about it, whenever those thoughts arose, the guilt would darken her light, making her want to call her son and apologize.
She finally let it go, partly because she discovered she had done some of the things she thought she hadn’t, but mainly because she realized she was doing everything she could for him today. That’s stepping in the right direction, moving opposite to what she believed she failed to do back then.
We can all be neglectful at one point or another without even realizing it. We can get incredibly busy and might not have time to focus on ourselves, let alone others. We can try our best, but sometimes feel our best isn’t good enough, thinking we could have done better.
The truth is, we probably couldn’t have done any better than we did. The person you were in the past didn’t and probably couldn’t have done better. The main reason is because if you could, or knew how, or had the resources, you would have done better. And those resources may have just been lessons from your upbringing. Sometimes, we simply don’t have what we need to show up the way we should.
If you carry guilt, you’re stuck in the past, remaining the same person you were back then. When you’re stuck feeling guilty about past actions, it means two things:
- You’re not taking steps in the opposite direction of what made you feel guilty, and
- You haven’t learned your lesson yet.
I realize someone might be reading this right now saying, “What do you mean I haven’t learned my lesson? What do you mean I’m the same person I was back then? I’ve learned never to do what I did again!”
You’re absolutely right. We learn and take what we’ve learned into the future with us. My point is if you still feel guilty, that’s what we need to “graduate” from. We need to move forward from that guilt phase.
I know this might be difficult for some people. They may feel so guilty about something that they’ll never let themselves live it down.
I’m here to say it’s okay to live it down. It’s okay to let it go. Guilt is not meant to be everlasting. The goal is to learn the lesson, acknowledge to the person you hurt that you are deeply sorry, and acknowledge to yourself that what you did was unethical, immoral, a mistake, an accident, or even an “on purpose.” No matter what it was for you, guilt is the message we need to change who we are and do the right thing.
The guilt you carry is simply a message telling you to move in the opposite direction.
To the woman who wrote to me, what you did wasn’t good for you or for them. So, let’s move in the opposite direction. Take that message, utilize it, and move beyond it to become a better person today. When you’re a better person today, you’re better for everyone around you. You’re healthier for yourself and everyone else.
Guilt Is An Emotional Cancer
Guilt eats away at you. You don’t deserve that! If you feel any regret or remorse and wish you didn’t do what you did, you still don’t deserve to hold on to guilt.
If you don’t feel any of those things, well, maybe guilt does need to be in your life. But I doubt that’s the case if you’re reading this. If you’re feeling guilty about something in this moment, you have empathy. And you very likely have remorse and regret as well. When you feel bad about what you did to someone, you care. And those who care deserve to feel better and let go of guilt.
That bad feelings become extreme when you carry them around with you. They become this heavy weight on your shoulders, their claws digging in, holding on for dear life until you let them go.
Some people don’t know how to let them go. I understand that. I held onto guilt for years until I was finally able to release it.
Treat guilt as a message, not a burden.
Don’t treat guilt as something you need to carry with you to prove you own your mistakes. Yes, you own your mistakes, but not forever. One goal with guilt is to experience it briefly. i.e., You feel guilty about a mistake but instead of dwelling on what you did in the past, move forward, continuing to move away from who you were.
You make this move in the opposite direction of guilt because you’ve learned your lesson. And when you’ve absolutely committed to never making that same mistake again, it’s time for the guilt to end. After you’ve learned your lesson, you move out of the guilt.
This doesn’t take away the bad feelings that may continue to linger. You might feel awful for what happened. But guilt has its time. It is finite. And you deserve to let it go.
Guilt starts the bad feeling, but it doesn’t stay there. It’s like starting your car with a key. You turn the key. The car starts up. But you don’t keep turning the key after it starts up. You don’t keep trying to start it because the car has already started. You release the key, it springs back, and the car’s engine runs.
Guilt is the startup process. The car’s engine, in this example, is that bad feeling. You have this bad feeling running in the background, but you don’t restart the engine with the key over and over again. You already feel bad, so there’s no reason to pile guilt on top of that feeling over and over again. The guilt already did its job, so you don’t need to hold onto it.
Guilt is finite, and when it’s served its purpose, it’s time to let it go.
You don’t benefit from holding onto guilt unless you haven’t learned your lesson. The only time guilt serves a purpose is when you haven’t learned your lesson, and you’re not sure if you’ll repeat the behavior that made you feel guilty.
Take the example of infidelity in a relationship. In that situation, someone has an affair, realizes their mistake, feels terrible about it, maybe even admits it to their partner, then, if they regret what they did, they might carry guilt with them indefinitely.
If the infidel isn’t sure they’d cheat again, then I believe it’s okay for them to continue to feel guilty. After all, it sounds like they might need that guilt as a constant reminder to stay faithful.
That situation or something similar is really the only reason I see to keep guilt around: A reminder not to repeat the behavior.
But most people who feel guilty, who are naturally empathetic and compassionate, aren’t going to repeat what made them feel guilty in the first place.
There are those who might use guilt to stay on track and keep doing the right thing. That may be how they are motivated. If that works for them, then I have no problem repeating what I always say: Do what works. But I would advise anyone who uses guilt as motivation to check in with yourself and make sure doing so doesn’t also keep you from feeling happy. If you can’t experience moments of joy, comfort, or peace because guilt is your primary motivation, then I’d highly recommend trying what I’m talking about in this article.
If I Don’t Feel Guilty, What Should I Feel?
Guilt damages. Guilt is almost always destructive. Sometimes, we’ve held onto guilt for so long we don’t know what it feels like not to have it with us.
My suggestion is to consider replacing guilt with empathy, compassion, caring, and kindness. When you’re not in a self-centered state but instead in a giving, caring, and compassionate state for others, you’re less likely to do anything that would cause or exacerbate guilt.
When you genuinely care about others’ feelings and happiness and put that positive energy onto and into others, you are moving in the opposite direction of guilt.
Why feel guilt when you could feel empathy, compassion, and kindness instead?
As you know, guilt hurts. And when you’re hurting, it’s difficult to show care and compassion to others. Guilt can keep you focused on yourself and keep you ruminating over something you can’t change or take back.
It’s better to replace guilt with things that actually benefit you because you and those around you will get far more value from love, empathy, and compassion than from guilt.
When I used to feel guilty for how I treated people and animals, I looked for ways to show compassion or be passionate about something, not only because I didn’t want to feel that guilt anymore but because I actually wanted to do good in the world.
To me, I call moving in the opposite direction of guilt, Paying It Forward Positively. Paying it forward positively means you take all that energy you used to put into guilt and transform it into something good for someone else.
This is how good feelings can replace the guilt. They won’t necessarily replace the bad feelings that may linger and stay with you indefinitely (depending on different factors). But as I said before, I separate “guilt” and “feeling bad.” Guilt is temporary. Bad feelings may last. But they don’t have to be continuous. They will just show up when you think about certain past events. That might be something you need to accept. But never let that stop you from paying it forward positively.
Eventually, paying it forward this way will cause the good feelings to replace the guilt. And when this happens, you can move forward and be a better version of yourself for you and anyone else in your life. That’s the gift you give to the world: The best version of you.
The person you were holding on to the guilt is an entirely different person than the person you can be today without it. The bad feelings we have when we think about certain past events may always serve as a reminder. But that reminder can be how we own what we did and understand that bad feelings are also our penance, in a way.
I Can’t Forgive Myself
I’ve heard from people who want to apologize for what they did to someone, but maybe they lost contact with that person. Or that person has disappeared from their life. Or “They won’t listen or talk to me.”
That’s okay. Sometimes, all we can do is our best. We can give them a sincere apology and move on. Or, if we can’t find them or they won’t talk to us, we just need to keep taking steps in the right direction from that point forward.
This doesn’t mean constantly reaching out to ask them what you can do for them or trying to track them down if they don’t want to be tracked down. If someone wants to be left alone, leaving them alone is honoring them. I think it’s always best to reach out with a no-strings-attached apology when you can (no strings means not expecting anything in return, even forgiveness). But when you can’t do that, you have to look ahead.
Guilt is a heavy weight to carry around. It feels like claws digging into your shoulders. And with that kind of burden, you’re not benefiting yourself or anyone else around you. That’s why I emphasize showing up as kind, compassionate, and caring to others. When you do, the burden weighs less and less the more you show up this way.
But what if you can’t move forward or “pay it forward positively” because you just can’t forgive yourself for what you did? That’s when you need to give yourself a break. Or, as I like to put it, forgive yourself a break so you can move on.
I love using that phrase. I say it to myself sometimes as a reminder that I’m not perfect, that I’ve messed up in the past, and that I probably will in the future. I forgive myself a break because often we think we should have made different choices and we should have been smarter or more careful.
But the truth is we weren’t! We weren’t smarter or more careful or whatever. We messed up. Or we felt instant regret about something we did. But if we were smarter or wiser back then, we would have made different choices. So, we can’t necessarily blame ourselves for being something we couldn’t have been.
In other words, you didn’t know then what you know now because if you did, you would have made different choices. But since you didn’t, you made the choices you made. So, forgive yourself a break.
I know some people aren’t comfortable saying, “I forgive myself, ” which is why I think it’s a lot easier for them to forgive themselves a break so they can move on and tell themselves they’ve learned their lesson and they’re committed to never doing that again.
“I (for)give myself a break for how I showed up back then and what I did. I didn’t know any better. If I did, I would have done things differently.”
All we can ever do is the best we can do with the resources we have.
Guilt serves as a message to prevent repeating mistakes. As I said before, if you believe you might make the same mistake again in the future, the guilt may stick around – and maybe it needs to.
But if you know you’ll never repeat that behavior, it’s time to examine what else might be making you feel guilty about what happened.
Remember the email I mentioned at the top of this article? The woman who reached out to me told me she kissed someone while she was drunk and while she was dating someone else at the time. She doesn’t remember doing it. She only knows what she was told happened. Someone else painted this picture that she was disloyal, unfaithful, and must not have cared about her boyfriend.
Whatever beliefs she created from that one moment became her reality. And whether what happened is 100% true or not doesn’t matter now because this is her reality and has been for a long time.
Like being in court, if one person is a witness to a crime and the person they claim committed the crime doesn’t remember doing it, the course generally favors the witness over the person who can’t remember. That’s why I think it’s important for this woman or anyone dealing with guilt to own what they’ve done. Just own it. Admit it. Take full responsibility for it. This woman may even say, “I don’t remember, but if that’s what people are saying, then I own it. I take responsibility for it.”
This is accepting accountability. It’s doing whatever it takes to make things right. And, of course, give a heartfelt apology. An apology alone doesn’t absolve guilt, but it’s an essential first step. i.e., “I feel so awful I could have done anything like that to you. You didn’t deserve that. I never want to make you feel like that ever again. I am so sorry for whatever I did that night. I wish I could remember, but I can’t, so I won’t deny what happened.”
And again, when you apologize to someone, make it a no-strings-attached apology. In other words, don’t expect forgiveness. Never wait for someone to say, “I forgive you.”
Waiting for forgiveness is like holding on to guilt: It’s also like a growing emotional cancer. It’s you holding on to something outside of your control, trying to get closure when it’s possible you may never get it. That’s one reason no-strings-attached apologies are vital. You should have no expectations from someone you are apologizing to. They may not want to forgive you. They may want to stay angry at you. But what’s important is that you did your part. You did what you know is the right thing to do.
If you wait for forgiveness, what are you holding onto? What thoughts, feelings, and emotions are rolling around inside your head and heart? Waiting for forgiveness is not healing. Apologizing and moving on is both for you and for them. Their choice to forgive is for them.
Waiting for forgiveness means you’re also carrying their burden of possibly being unable to let go. Walking away with no expectations after apologizing allows you to release other people’s burdens, even if their burden is never letting you live it down! It’s still their burden; their anger. You don’t have to carry their “stuff.” You’re allowed to let it go.
Another way to apologize to someone who you believe may not be forgiving: “I am so sorry for what I did. I promise it will never happen again. If you never want to talk to me again, I completely understand. I would love your forgiveness, but I understand and accept if you don’t want to give it. I just want you to know I am sorry. I’ve thought about this day and night. I feel awful about it, and I’m sorry.”
If they accept your apology, that’s a bonus. If not, remember you’ve essentially put the proverbial ball in their court. You’ve ‘passed the baton’ in this relay race. They can choose to forgive you and move on or not forgive but accept your apology. Or, not forgive and not accept your apology, but still let go of their anger.
No matter what their decision is, it’s theirs because you’ve done your part.
Making a genuine apology with no expectations is choosing to be an adult about the situation. It shows you’re allowing them to take the next step, but only if they want to. And from there, you don’t need anything more from them.
Apologies should always come from your heart. You have to feel that remorse inside because that’s where the path out of guilt begins. When you truly mean your apology, you open the door to free yourself. And that’s when internal healing starts.
Once you’ve done your part with sincerity and conviction, you can ‘pass the baton’, so to speak, and let them handle it however they choose. If they want to hold onto their anger for the rest of their life, that’s their choice now. You can let it go. Even if what you did was terrible, they might never forgive you or want to speak to you again. But that’s part of their healing process. They have a right to hold on, let go, forgive or not.
Sometimes, what we think is causing our guilt isn’t the real issue. Like this person who kissed someone while drunk, maybe hurting her boyfriend isn’t the real conflict since he’s actually forgiven her. She seems to have all the ingredients for closure but doesn’t feel it. Why?
Remember, feeling bad is okay. It reminds us we messed up and prompts us to do something good in its place, creating a healthy system of checks and balances.
Maybe next time she feels bad, she could send her boyfriend a heart emoji or write him an old-fashioned letter. She could do something kind and generous for someone she loves or even for someone else who needs it. This “paying it forward positively” approach doesn’t necessarily have to involve the person she hurt.
Since she still has contact with this person she feels she betrayed, doing something nice for him can be a step toward healing from the guilt. It’s just one piece of the puzzle, but it helps create positive momentum in the relationship’s recovery.
When you still feel guilty after working through something, there can be deeper reasons you haven’t explored yet. We often create a fixed connection between our guilt and the specific action that triggered it, never looking beyond that connection to discover what else might be causing these feelings.
There could be a secondary source of guilt. For instance, if you’ve always considered yourself a loyal person who would never betray someone’s trust, your guilt might be attached to violating this core value or belief about yourself. When you violate this internal value, you might judge yourself harshly, seeing yourself as a terrible person.
This self-judgment often causes the most suffering, more than the actual event itself. The guilt stops being about the other person and becomes about how much you’re beating yourself up. In these cases, you need to work on healing and improving your values.
Take drinking alcohol as an example. If you enjoy drinking recreationally but find yourself unable to remember your actions while drunk, you might need to update your values around alcohol. This could mean setting strict limits on your drinks, avoiding drinking in certain situations, or choosing not to drink at all.
Looking at this email example, where a woman in a relationship kissed someone else while drunk, it’s worth examining the role alcohol plays in her life. If drinking leads to regrettable actions and memory gaps, it may be time to reevaluate this aspect of her life. While drinking might be something she enjoys and wants, if it leads to situations she regrets, she needs to look at that value system.
When you violate your own values, the guilt can become disconnected from the original action. To the woman who reached out, You might be able to accept that you kissed someone else, especially since your boyfriend has forgiven you, but maybe you can’t forgive yourself for violating something sacred within you.
This internal struggle can be particularly damaging because not forgiving yourself means you never give yourself a break! We all deserve a break for some of the mistakes or very stupid things we’ve done.
The path to self-forgiveness often requires revisiting your values and determining what’s truly important to keep or change in your life. If drinking is something you enjoy but leads to excess, you might need to implement better boundaries or choose to stop entirely to prevent similar situations.
By improving your values and aligning them with who you want to be, that’s another step you can take in the opposite direction of the behavior that caused your guilt. This process can lead to significant life changes as you discover which values and beliefs truly serve you and which ones need updating or even releasing.
My partner shared how she used to be rebellious, automatically rejecting advice even when it was good for her, simply because she didn’t want anyone telling her what to do. I gave her this example: imagine stepping on a rusty nail and someone suggesting a tetanus shot but responding with defiance, only to end up with an infection or gangrene.
She acknowledged that this rebellious attitude didn’t serve her well. She wasn’t this way all the time as she outgrew most of it. But it showed up from time to time. Through reevaluation, she learned to be more open-minded, filtering through advice and suggestions rather than dismissing everything outright.
When we refuse to listen to anyone, we may miss out on valuable guidance. Some people genuinely know better in certain areas of life.
It’s important to examine your behavior, what matters to you, and what you want to keep doing in your life. Ask yourself if these patterns still serve you. If they’re leading to guilt, trouble, or negativity, it might be time for reevaluation.
When you improve or change your values, you transform your decision-making process. Every choice aligned with your core values shapes your life’s direction. For the person struggling with alcohol-related guilt, reducing alcohol intake shows they’ve modified their values to move away from what causes guilt.
If you believe drinking, for example, won’t lead to certain behaviors you may regret, but evidence shows the contrary, it’s time to adjust that belief. Instead of denying it with thoughts like “drinking shouldn’t make me do that,” accept the reality that “drinking will make me do that.” Let this awareness serve you rather than fight against it.
Consider another common example: watching TV while comfort eating. You might feel guilty about consuming a whole tub of ice cream when you should be exercising. But sometimes, the guilt isn’t about the obvious behavior.
Would you be as likely to eat that ice cream if you weren’t watching TV? Maybe, maybe not. Looking at the underlying structure of your decisions can help create the life you want instead of repeating patterns that lead to guilt.
Let’s look at guilt differently. Instead of focusing on eating ice cream or needing to rest, what if you redirected that guilt toward watching TV? You might decide, “I’m not going to feel bad about enjoying ice cream or needing downtime, but I notice I always grab ice cream when I watch TV. Maybe I should change my TV habits instead.”
This isn’t about weight loss solutions or breaking bad habits. It’s about recognizing how we often attach guilt to behaviors we label as problematic, like eating ice cream or being “lazy.” Some people have no issue with eating ice cream while watching TV, and that’s fine. I’m talking about those who struggle with guilt about weight gain or feeling unproductive or whatever they’re dealing with.
Rather than blaming yourself, try associating the guilt with something that may seem harmless on its own. Take the letter writer who felt guilty about betraying her boyfriend while drunk. Some people might say, “Getting drunk isn’t a problem for me.”
But in her case, instead of focusing on her guilt because of the betrayal, she could redirect it to something she can control: her drinking choices. By associating guilt with drinking rather than betrayal, she gains control over future situations.
This reassignment of guilt to something controllable can create positive change. It helps one step away from guilt about betrayal or disloyalty, in this case, by focusing on the controllable factor that led to those actions. Sometimes, even after extensive self-work, guilt persists. If the guilt isn’t about what you did but what led to it, you can take action to prevent similar situations in the future.
Try exploring what else might be connected to the behavior you feel guilty about. Look for the domino effect that led to your actions. i.e., Give yourself grace about watching TV rather than beating yourself up about eating ice cream since TV might be the trigger.
This doesn’t mean that TV always leads to eating ice cream, but by focusing on something you can control, like not turning on the TV, you might change your life and finally release the guilt.
Remember, feeling bad can be a useful reminder, but guilt should lead to learning, commitment to change, and moving forward in a positive direction.
