Do you form authentic relationships by being the real you, or do you only show people what you believe they want to see?
What are the risks of showing up as the real you? It may be worth taking a risk to find that out.
There’s something strange that happens when you do the work to become a better version of yourself. You’d think everyone would celebrate your growth, but that’s not always the case.
Sometimes, the people who’ve known you the longest struggle the most with who you’ve become.
Personal growth changes you. It changes how you think, how you respond to situations, and what you’re willing to accept in your relationships. When you show up as this new person around people who knew the old you, you’re taking a risk. You’re risking rejection, judgment, and the possibility that some relationships won’t survive your transformation.
I received an email from someone who’s been single for ten years. After her last relationship ended, she decided to take time to be alone and figure out who she was. That’s a healthy choice. But now that she’s ready to date again, she’s running into a pattern she can’t seem to break. She keeps falling for friends and coworkers, anyone who shows her basic kindness. She hates first dates with strangers, so getting involved with someone she already knows feels safer. But it keeps backfiring.
Recently, she fell for one of her best friends. He’d just broken up with his girlfriend, and they started spending more time together. He texted more often. She thought he might be jealous when she mentioned another crush.
She told him how she felt, and he acted like everything was fine. But then she found out through mutual friends that he’d been dating someone else and lying to her about it. That’s when she realized she needed to change her approach to dating and relationships.
Her situation illustrates something important about authenticity and connection. When you’re trying to avoid discomfort, like the awkwardness of first dates, you often end up creating bigger problems for yourself.
The Problem with Avoiding Discomfort
First dates are uncomfortable. Meeting new people is stressful. There’s anxiety involved in putting yourself out there with someone who doesn’t know you yet. I understand why someone would want to skip that part and just date people they already know.
But here’s what happens when you do that. You’re not really getting to know someone in a romantic context. You’re taking a friendship or work relationship and trying to force it into something else. The other person might not see you that way at all. They might just be being friendly, and you’re interpreting basic kindness as romantic interest.
When you avoid the discomfort of dating strangers, you also avoid the clarity that comes with it. On a first date, both people know why they’re there. You’re both exploring whether there’s romantic potential. With a friend or coworker, the lines are blurred. You might be developing feelings while they’re just being themselves, with no romantic intention whatsoever.
The person who wrote to me said she thinks she’s more infatuated with the idea of having a relationship than with the actual person. That’s an important realization. When you’ve been single for a long time, or when you’ve never really been comfortable being alone, you can start seeking a relationship to fill a void rather than seeking a specific person you genuinely connect with.
If you find yourself falling for everyone who’s nice to you, you need to ask yourself what’s missing in your life when you’re alone. And you can’t just stop at “loneliness.” You need to dig deeper. What about being alone is actually the problem?
Maybe it’s that you don’t feel complete without someone else. Maybe you’ve built your identity around being in a relationship, and without one, you’re not sure who you are. Maybe you’re afraid of being seen as unlovable or unwanted if you’re single for too long.
I used to be on the opposite end of this spectrum. I was never single long enough to know who I was without someone else in my life. The day my divorce was final, I signed up for online dating services. I didn’t even give myself time to process what had happened or figure out what I wanted. I just knew I didn’t want to be alone.
After about a month, I had a moment of clarity. I asked myself what I was doing. I’d never chosen to be single. It had always been something that happened to me, not something I made happen. I realized I didn’t know who I was without someone else defining part of my identity.
So I canceled the dating accounts. I decided to get to know myself. I needed to understand what it felt like to be alone, to be okay with being alone, and to stop seeking someone else to make me feel complete.
That decision changed everything. When I eventually did start dating again, I showed up differently. I wasn’t trying to fill a void. I wasn’t desperate for someone to validate me. I was just meeting people and seeing if we connected.
Showing Up as Your Authentic Self
When you’re ready to date or when you’re meeting new people in any context, you have a choice. You can show up as who you really are, or you can show up as who you think the other person wants you to be.
Most people choose the second option without even realizing it. They adapt. They become a chameleon, changing to match their environment. They do this to protect themselves, to avoid conflict, to be liked.
But here’s what happens when you live that way. You burn out. You build resentment. You get exhausted from constantly pretending to be someone you’re not.
If you show up on a first date and say you love sci-fi movies when you actually don’t, just because the other person mentioned they love them, you’re setting yourself up for problems. Later on, when you admit you don’t actually like sci-fi, they’re going to wonder who you really are. They’re going to feel deceived. And you’re going to feel trapped, because you’ve been performing instead of being yourself.
The most important lesson I’ve learned about dating is this. When you try to impress someone, you’re not being wholly authentic. We’re imperfect. We’re not impressive at everything. And that’s okay. If your sole purpose is to impress someone, you’re trying too hard and setting expectations you can’t maintain.
When I met my girlfriend, I was brutally honest from the start. I told her I wasn’t looking for anything romantic. I told her I was still figuring myself out. I shared things about myself that weren’t particularly impressive. And you know what happened? She appreciated the honesty. She said it was refreshing to connect with someone who was just being themselves.
That honesty allowed us to connect at a deeper level than I thought possible. I wasn’t trying to fit her into my life as a romantic partner. I was just getting to know another person. And because I wasn’t trying to impress her, I could relax and be myself.
The Challenge of Showing Up Differently
When you’ve done personal growth work and you show up as a new version of yourself, you’re going to face resistance. Some people won’t like it. Some people will disappear from your life. Some will say things like, “You think you’re better than us now,” or “You’ve changed.”
And they’re right. You have changed. That’s the whole point.
Family is often the hardest. When you show up differently around people who’ve known you your entire life, they have to adjust to who you’ve become. Some will be supportive. They’ll say, “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” That’s the best kind of support you can ask for.
But others won’t adjust. They’ll want you to stay the same person you’ve always been. They’ll make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by growing and changing. They might criticize you, judge you, or try to make you feel guilty for not being who they want you to be.
This is where you have to be really careful about where you’re looking for validation. Are you measuring your worth based on the opinions of people who have closed minds? I hope not.
You can’t please everyone. Some people will love you. Some people will hate you. Some will find you boring. Some will be inspired by you. That’s just how it works.
If you’ve done the work to become someone you’re proud of, you shouldn’t have to shrink back into your old self just to make other people comfortable. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not sustainable.
What to Do When You’re Ready to Date
If you’re ready to start dating after being single for a while, here’s my advice. Don’t look for a potential romantic partner. Look for people you enjoy spending time with. Treat every date like you’re just getting to know a new friend.
When you go on a date thinking about how you can fit this person into your life romantically, you’re constantly evaluating them through that lens. You’re not really present. You’re calculating whether they meet your criteria, whether they could be “the one.”
But if you go into it with the mindset of just getting to know another human being, everything changes. There’s no pressure. There’s no agenda. You’re just two people having a conversation and seeing if you enjoy each other’s company.
If it turns into something more, great. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too. But you have to be comfortable being yourself. You have to be willing to say what you actually think, share what you actually like, and be honest about who you actually are.
That means if someone asks if you like sci-fi and you don’t, you say you don’t. If someone talks about their favorite hobby and it doesn’t interest you, you don’t pretend it does. You find common ground where it actually exists, not where you wish it existed.
This approach will weed out people who aren’t compatible with you. And that’s a good thing. You don’t want to waste time building a relationship with someone based on a version of yourself that isn’t real.
The Freedom in Being Yourself
When you’re authentic from the start, you give the other person the opportunity to know the real you. They can decide if they actually like you, not some performance you’re putting on.
And here’s the thing. When someone likes you for who you really are, it feels completely different than when someone likes the version of you you’ve been pretending to be. There’s no anxiety about being found out. There’s no exhaustion from maintaining the act. You can just relax and be yourself.
The person who wrote to me needs to stop falling for friends and coworkers because she’s avoiding the discomfort of dating strangers. She needs to face that discomfort head-on. She needs to go on first dates with people she doesn’t know and practice being her authentic self from the beginning.
She also needs to figure out what’s missing in her life when she’s alone. If she’s seeking a relationship to fill a void, she’s going to keep attracting the wrong people or misinterpreting friendly behavior as romantic interest.
The same applies to anyone who’s been avoiding being themselves in relationships. Whether you’re dating or you’re already in a relationship, you have to ask yourself if you’re showing up as who you really are or as who you think the other person wants you to be.
If you’re adapting and accommodating all the time, you’re going to burn out. You’re going to build resentment. And eventually, you’re going to realize you’ve been living someone else’s life instead of your own.
Moving Forward as Your True Self
Being your authentic self is a risk. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will accept you. Some relationships will end because you’ve outgrown them or because the other person can’t handle who you’ve become.
But the alternative is worse. The alternative is spending your life pretending to be someone you’re not, burning out from the effort, and never experiencing what it’s like to be truly known and accepted for who you are.
When you show up as yourself, you get to find out who people really are. You get to see who supports your growth and who tries to hold you back. You get to discover which relationships are worth keeping and which ones were only working because you were playing a role.
That’s valuable information. It’s painful sometimes, but it’s necessary.
If you’re working on becoming a better version of yourself, keep going. Don’t shrink back into your old self just to make other people comfortable. Don’t hide who you’ve become because you’re afraid of judgment or rejection.
Show up as yourself. Take the risk. Some people won’t like it. But the people who matter, the people who genuinely care about your happiness, will support you. And the relationships you build from a place of authenticity will be stronger and more fulfilling than anything you could create while pretending to be someone you’re not.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
