Your friends and family really want the best for you. But what are they going to say when they see you make a decision they believe is just crazy?
A woman wrote to me and told me she decided to take a break from her husband after telling her friends and family how awful he was. Now she is considering taking him back, and she has no idea how to face them and tell them the news.
A listener of my show reached out to me and told me her friends and family supported her when she was dealing with a toxic partner and even offered her support when she was ready to leave. She went on to say that her partner acknowledged his faults and committed to both individual and couples therapy. When he did that, the relationship changed for the better.
They were on the verge of divorce, but after his changes, she is now having second thoughts about leaving. Her partner did not want the relationship to end, so he decided to straighten up.
This aligns with something I’ve often discussed: a person may not recognize the harm they’re causing until they’re faced with the real possibility of loss.
In my experience, this is almost always the case in emotionally abusive relationships. The emotionally abusive person who believes they’re in the right and dictates the terms of the relationship, the same person who exerts their control and causes pain (whether through passive aggression or more direct means), rarely changes until they’re confronted with the potential loss of their partner.
The person on the receiving end of such behavior might be left feeling bewildered and hurt, questioning the reasons behind their partner’s actions. They might plead, “You’re hurting me. Why are you doing this?” But all too often, the response they get is a deflection of responsibility like, “I’m not hurting you. You’re choosing to feel hurt,” or “If you were doing what you should be doing, I wouldn’t have to hurt you.” It’s a cycle of blame and guilt that’s all too familiar to some people in difficult relationships.
On my podcast, Love and Abuse, I dig into issues like this. This woman’s description of what’s happening in her relationship is very much what I talk about over there.
If I were in a similar situation with my partner, Asha, I’d hope for a change in behavior once I communicated my feelings of hurt. But if she were to dismiss my concerns and blame me instead, I’d be left in a state of confusion, self-reflection, and doubt.
That’s a dilemma that those enduring emotional abuse often face, wondering if they are the problem and if there’s something they need to change, only to realize that the issue may not lie with them at all.
Let me be clear: When you’re in a relationship where it seems like you can’t do anything right, I’m almost certain you are not the problem. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say if everything you do is perceived as wrong, you’re definitely not the problem.
Now, an emotionally abusive person might twist this and claim that they are the ones being misunderstood and that everything they do is seen as wrong by the other person. But it’s crucial to recognize the distinction I talk about on Love and Abuse:
The victim wants to change or improve themselves to make the relationship better. They reflect on where they may be failing and take responsibility for what is wrong in the relationship.
The abuser, on the other hand, wants to change or improve the victim to make the relationship better. They do not reflect on their own behaviors and blame the victim for what’s wrong in the relationship.
Abusive people don’t take the time to reflect or consider alternative actions. They’re convinced of their righteousness and simply bulldoze ahead as they are. If you’re in their path, you’re likely to get flattened. The crux of the issue is their resistance to change; they don’t see the need for it.
Even witnessing the other person’s suffering doesn’t prompt them to alter their ways. This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re inherently evil. It could be that they’ve picked up some ineffective communication and connection strategies.
Though, some people are just bad for you and themselves. Their behaviors are bad for themselves because they don’t realize they’re pushing away people they love. That is usually the opposite of what they want. It’s self-sabotaging behavior that gives them terrible results. Then they blame the person they are hurting for what they are essentially doing to themselves!
And yes, I realize ‘bad’ is a subjective term; we could define it in many ways. But here, ‘bad’ refers to those who cause harm, perhaps oblivious to the impact of their actions on others and themselves.
Some emotionally abusive people are well aware of their behaviors but indifferent to the damage they’re inflicting. I’m speaking from personal history. I’ve been that person. It’s painfully clear to me now, the ways I mishandled almost every positive relationship in my life due to my behavior.
But now, I can finally say I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I attribute that to what I decided as my marriage was nearing its end: That I needed to be accountable and recognize the harm I was causing to people I cared about.
It took the end of my marriage, something I thought was supposed to last “forever,” to accept that I was the common denominator of all my relationship problems. And that acceptance was how I started my healing journey.
When you see a relationship where one person is consistently suffering, being blamed, feeling guilty, and striving to change to please their partner, while the other believes they can do no wrong, I’m confident in saying that the latter – the person who cannot or refuses to find fault in themselves – is indeed in the wrong.
The hurtful person needs to stop their harmful behaviors to bring equilibrium to the relationship. It’s a continuous struggle when one person rides high while the other is constantly trying to pick themselves up.
The person who wrote to me mentioned that about 25% of the time, her partner exhibits this hurtful behavior. Eventually, she ended up welcoming him back into the relationship, knowing that he probably wouldn’t have changed without the threat of a breakup. She didn’t use those exact words, but that’s the gist of it.
A toxic person in your life needs to understand without a shadow of a doubt the seriousness of your stance when you’ve had enough. When you demand a stop to certain behaviors, the other person needs to see that you mean business.
The Toxic Person Will Challenge You
Imagine you’ve reached your wits end with someone and tell them to stop or else. What would you do or say if they said, “I don’t have to change. So what are you going to do about it?”
What comes to mind when faced with that question? If they refused to change, what would be your next move?
For the person who wrote the email, it was her firm stance that finally got through to him. She drew a line in the sand, making it crystal clear that the hurtful behavior had to stop or else.
It’s a courageous step. And I completely understand the weight of that moment. It’s the kind of declaration that can shake the foundations of a long-standing relationship, and that’s no small thing.
She realized the gravity of her words: Change had to happen.
That is admirable. It takes a lot of courage to confront the possibility of upheaval, especially in a relationship that’s been part of your life for so long.
She continued, explaining how, despite the hardships, they share a deep love and are ‘better than good’ most of the time. That’s why she’s giving him another chance—to see if they can both grow and improve together.
She said, ‘We love one another deeply. I can leave, but I’ve decided to give him another chance because I believe he and we can be better. How do I handle my friends, my family, my kids who know how badly he’s hurt me over the years?’
She doesn’t want to be seen as foolish for giving this relationship another shot. That makes sense. It’s a tough spot to be in, worrying about the judgment of those closest to you!
But she’s taking proactive steps, seeing a new therapist, and even attending sessions with her partner. It’s a journey they’re embarking on together. Now, she’s seeking advice on how to navigate the complexities of reconciling while managing the perceptions of those around her.
So, let’s talk about this. It’s a topic I don’t get to visit too often: the nitty-gritty of getting back together and the challenges that come with it. When you’ve had heart-to-heart conversations with your friends about the person you left, and your family and kids all supported you and even encouraged you, how will they view your decision to return to the relationship?
Own Your Choices
People may not understand some decisions you make, but the way I see it, you’re an adult, and you have the prerogative to change your mind, both before and after you’ve made a decision.
This means standing firm in your autonomy and understanding that you can give second chances while also holding the power to change course if needed. In other words, you can decide to do whatever you want, then change your mind again if it doesn’t work out.
This is about embracing the fact that you can make decisions that might not turn out as planned and be okay with that. That’s part of making informed choices in life—acknowledging the risks and going for it anyway.
Making decisions and owning them is part of life. I’ve learned this in both my personal life and especially in business. In my day-to-day, I find myself often saying, “I’m going to make this decision. It may not pan out, but let’s see what happens.”
When it doesn’t work out, I’m ready to pivot and take a new direction. Sure, I might feel humbled and even embarrassed because I made the wrong choice, but it’s never usually a major disaster.
Owning your choices is crucial. It’s an internal process. You must be at peace with yourself, acknowledging, “Yes, I’m making this decision, and yes, it may backfire.”
When you’re confident enough to decide, it means you’ve gathered sufficient information to move forward.
If someone told me they were only 1% sure of a positive outcome, I’d question why they’re even considering that path. It’s hardly a solid foundation for a decision. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t proceed with the decision! In this case, if that person were in front of me, I’d certainly probe a bit more, asking why they feel confident moving forward with such low certainty.
But let’s say you’re 60% sure it’ll work out—that’s a decent chance! It’s worth a shot. The key is to stay flexible and to be prepared to reassess and realign if things don’t go as planned. What does it matter what the world thinks? Decision-making is an internal process.
Externally, of course, you have the opinions and judgments of others. That’s their business. Your task is to handle their reactions to your decisions.
To do that, you need to be comfortable inside yourself. That means knowing a decision you make could fall apart. But it also means believing that if it doesn’t fall apart, the results could be fantastic.
To the person who wrote the email, if the love is deep and if he’s willing to self-reflect and acknowledge his hurtful actions, and if he genuinely wants to change, then there’s potential for growth and reconciliation – so why not give it a chance?
I’m all for second chances. But I’m hesitant about a third. And a fourth chance is simply out of the question. The third strike is where I draw the line. If they mess up after being given that many opportunities, it’s clear that continuing is only inviting more pain into my life.
I can’t recall ever giving anyone more than three chances. The second chance usually does the trick. But if they need a third? That’s when you have to ask, “What are we even doing here?”
This is why it still surprises me when people tell me they’re dealing with consistent and persistent dishonesty. After the first lie, there needs to be a serious discussion. A second lie should trigger another discussion, but this time with clear consequences if they lie again.
But when they lie a third time, trust can be broken indefinitely. And without trust, a relationship is on shaky ground. That’s the point where it’s time to start setting boundaries.
The third lie is all about facing the reality that if someone can’t be honest with me, they can’t be a part of my life.
That is my stance, but it doesn’t mean it has to be yours. And I wouldn’t criticize you for handling something like this differently. I understand that many people are deeply entrenched in situations where everything else seems perfect, except for the lies, deception, or hurtful behavior. You can be committed, and I’m not here to judge that.
My intention in this article is to help you foster a sense of strong self-worth and self-respect. In fact, I want you to have so much self-respect that you refuse to allow others to disrespect you. When you have that much respect for yourself, it’s very difficult for anyone to disrespect you. But if they do, you’ll either address it or walk away.
My viewpoint is that I won’t stand for actions that make me feel insignificant. Sure, people are entitled to their opinions about me, but I will not stand for behavior that forces me to see myself in a negative way. I simply won’t allow it.
I also have a short tolerance for lying. Someone who lies to me doesn’t last long in my life. And if someone wants to belittle, insult, or bully me, that will be short-lived as well.
First offense: Not okay, but let’s work it out.
Second offense: Not okay, and here’s your warning.
Third offense: You’re out.
I see this way of thinking as a healthy philosophy that keeps toxic influences out of my life. However, I know that by saying this here, I may have resources that others may not. For example, I’m prepared to walk away from anyone who chooses to disrespect or mistreat me. Not everyone can do that. I’m prepared to lose money or even sell my home if need be to keep my personal character and integrity intact.
I’ve hit rock bottom before, and though I’d never want to experience that again—it’s frightening and absolutely unpleasant— I’m willing to face it if it means maintaining my self-respect and owning my worth. If someone crosses the line to the extent that I have no choice but to cut them out of my life, to escape the overwhelming pressure they exert, I’ll do it.
I’ve chosen to refuse to let anyone chip away at my sense of self. So, I’m prepared to take significant risks to distance myself from such individuals.
Not everyone is ready to do that. And not everyone has the means to do that. Some people have children or other obligations, or they feel trapped in their circumstances.
If you’re in a relationship like this, please know that I’m not criticizing you. I can empathize; I’ve been there. I’ve stayed in toxic situations before, believing they were safer and easier than exposing myself to potential harm. I sometimes felt like I had to choose between the lesser of two evils.
But as you build your self-worth and respect for yourself to the point where you no longer tolerate disrespect, you start to push those toxic situations out of your life.
Not everyone is ready to make that move. Some people accept their current state because it’s manageable—they’re surviving, their children are surviving, or perhaps they’re financially constrained. If that’s your reality, stay strong. I know it’s tough. Yet, when you work on recognizing your worth, and you understand that you’re valuable and deserving of respect, changes can occur.
When you truly believe in your worth, you might find yourself willing to give up certain things in order to preserve your integrity and protect yourself. You will show the world that you deserve to be treated well – and that is a form of self-love.
When you demonstrate that you won’t accept mistreatment, people do start to treat you differently. They either try to continue their behavior, which will be stopped by the strong boundaries you’ve set, or they’ll realize they can’t cross those lines with you.
Not everyone is at this point. And reaching it can take considerable effort. Sometimes, it means making sacrifices, losing something dear to you, to reclaim your true self.
Over time, we might replace our genuine selves with a version we’re less comfortable with, less happy with, or, in the worst cases, one we even despise. And if you reach a point where you actually loathe yourself, it’s a glaring signal that change is not only necessary but imperative.
Ideally, you’d recognize this much earlier. But the last thing you want is to swap out your authentic self for someone else’s version of who you should be, particularly when that version is rooted in the belief that you’re not enough just as you are. People need to embrace you for who you are, no matter what.
If they can’t stand who you are or are unwilling to treat you decently, they’re free to look elsewhere. If someone can’t accept you, they’re the issue, not you.
Sure, everyone is entitled to dislike your actions. They can voice their opinions and tell you, “Hey, I’m not fond of what you’re doing.” And you have every right to continue honoring yourself, even at the risk of losing that relationship.
Alternatively, others might attempt to influence your decisions, swaying you to think the way they want you to think. This can lead to discussions, which are also valuable to have. But what if they fail to accept you as you are?
Instead of honoring their own boundaries by either exiting the relationship or candidly stating, “I can’t tolerate this behavior; change or I’m out”—which is fair— they might choose manipulation, guilt-tripping, or criticism to reshape you into their ideal.
In moments like that, you face a choice, even if it’s not immediately apparent or comfortable. When you’re secure in your identity, it’s much easier to stand firm and say, “No, this isn’t right. You either accept me because you love or care for me, or you don’t. But if you can’t, your inability to accept me is not my issue. So it’s your choice.”
I’m spinning a hypothetical here, but my point is to ensure you’re not contorting your true self to please someone else, creating a facade. That is unless this change genuinely enhances your life, makes you happier, and benefits the relationship overall.
For instance, take the typical disagreement over smoking. A smoker might say, “Accept me as I am, or leave.”
The non-smoker might respond, “I care about you, but I can’t be around smoke.”
That isn’t manipulation. That’s respecting personal boundaries.
If the smoker decides the relationship is worth more than smoking and they’ve been contemplating quitting anyway, they might choose to do so for the sake of the relationship. After all, if quitting leads to a healthier lifestyle and a stronger relationship, then they’d see the change as positive.
That’s not coercion. That’s being inspired by someone else’s perspective and making it your own.
When faced with a situation where someone doesn’t like something about you, remember, you have four options:
Accept them and stay
Reject them and stay
Accept them and leave
Or reject them and leave.
That’s how I make decisions when I’m stuck. I ask myself, “Can I accept the person or situation and be okay with it?”
That’s accepting and staying. If I choose this, I can’t complain because I’ve decided to embrace them as they are. But if I reject them but stick around? I’ll likely end up miserable and complaining. That’s no way to live.
Embracing these four choices is meant to feel empowering because once you choose one and accept it, you no longer have to wait for the other person to change. That waiting game is over.
You can either accept someone and stay, reject them and stay, accept them and leave, or reject them and leave. And just in case you’re wondering which option is a one-way ticket to Miseryville, it’s rejecting them but sticking around. That’s a recipe for a personal storm cloud of discontent right there.
Rejecting someone as they are but continuing a relationship with them hurts both of you.
Making one of these choices is all about taking control of your life. It’s personal accountability at its finest. You’re saying, “I’m the one steering this ship, and I’m choosing my direction: I can choose one, two, three, or four.”
You may not like the choice in front of you, but you will no longer be in a rut after you make it.
The response from your friends and family after you make your choice
Now, I’ll tackle that million-dollar question that person asked me: What do you say to your friends and family, the ones who’ve supported your previous decision but now that you’re changing your mind, will certainly have their opinions and judgments about it?
The first part of this article focused on building inner strength. This is crucial, as choosing to revisit a path previously taken, especially after friends and family have voiced their support for your initial direction, can often lead to a surge of concerns and judgments.
Imagine telling them, “I’ve decided to give this person another shot.” That sounds like a huge gamble! And it could very well blow up in your face. But if it does work out as you hope it will, you may end up happier than ever.
To your friends and family, tell them you know that person has made mistakes and said hurtful things to you. But also tell them you are now equipped to handle it if anything like that happens again.
That’s a critical part of this: They need to understand that you have a plan in case things go awry.
Let them know you’re not naive (anymore, if it applies). Let them know you’re aware that this person might not have changed, but you’re prepared to be vigilant.
Tell them you’ve set new boundaries and you’re not going to let any misbehavior slide. If that person crosses the line again, they’re out. When you let your friends and family know that this is the other person’s chance to prove they’re working toward being better and working on “us,” they’ll hear your confidence in your voice, and they’ll know you’ve got this covered.
If your kids question you, don’t shy away from agreeing that, yes, this person might be trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Just reassure them that you’re on high alert and you will be on the lookout for repeat behaviors of the past.
You also have to admit that you played a role in allowing certain things to happen before. It’s not that you wanted those things to happen or that they were your fault, but maybe you were too tolerant, hoping for a change that never came.
Eventually, you hit your breaking point – your threshold – and that’s when clarity struck. That’s when you decided it was over the first time.
Now that you’ve had some space, some distance from the relationship, the fog has lifted a bit and you can now see much better than before. When the fog lifts, you get to see things with fresh eyes.
Communicate this newfound clarity to your loved ones. Let them know that you’re aware of the risks, but you’re also aware of your own strength and resolve. Tell them you’re not the same person you were before. You’ve grown. And you don’t tolerate nonsense anymore.
Also, let your children know this person is treading on thin ice. Make them aware of it and make sure they know full well that you’re determined to ensure that person never crosses your line again.
When you communicate your experiences and the choices you’re making, people notice a newfound strength in you. Perhaps it’s a strength they’ve never seen, or maybe it’s one that was lost in the duration of your relationship. But it’s crucial for them to witness this strength; it reassures them that you’re capable of taking care of yourself.
And it’s not just about self-care; it’s about setting an example. You mentioned not wanting your kids to think less of you or for others to believe you’re making the same mistakes. When you stand firm in your identity, when you feel at ease in your own skin and confident in your decisions, that’s when you truly shine.
It’s also about setting boundaries and being clear about the consequences if certain behaviors resurface. You’ve acknowledged his apologies and his efforts to change, like going to therapy, but only time will reveal his sincerity.
This really is all about presenting yourself with conviction, not as someone riddled with doubt or lacking in self-worth. If friends and family sense your uncertainty, they may fear a repeat of the past. It’s essential to project a strong sense of self-worth and the confidence to act if old patterns emerge.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices.
This is your life, your choices. When the inevitable questions come, and you’re under the proverbial spotlight, your response can be both powerful and simple.
Agree with their concerns: “Yes, what happened was unacceptable.” And affirm your stance that it won’t be tolerated again.
It’s this “Yes, and” strategy, often used in improvisational comedy, which I’ve found myself using instinctively for years. What that means is you don’t resist. And, by not resisting but instead aligning with others’ concerns, they’ll see you’re aware of the risks and have given this thought.
When someone brings up a painful memory of your past, acknowledge it, then share your plan of action should it happen again. This approach shows you’re taking charge of your life.
Remember, you’re an adult. You have the right to make decisions, change your mind, and try again.
Real life involves interacting with others. And sometimes, that means explaining your actions. Not because you have to but because you choose to. It’s also about being a positive role model for your kids, showing them what’s acceptable and what’s not.
The great news is you’ve already demonstrated that you won’t stand for mistreatment. You’re teaching your kids to do the same. If you’re considering giving someone another chance, that’s fine too, provided you make it clear it’s that person’s last chance and that you’re prepared to follow through administering the consequences.
So, if this is about assuring your family and friends and showing them that you’re in control, you need to feel it within yourself. You need to know you’ve got this. You need to feel that inside when you say it:
I’ve got this.
They may choose to believe you or not, but they need to see your resolve to end anything harmful to you. Those who love and appreciate you will respect your self-respect. They may not agree with your decisions, but I’ve learned that love means supporting someone’s happiness, even when you disagree with their choices.
Your friends and family, hopefully, will show their love for you by supporting your decisions, even if they don’t agree with them. That means honoring your journey and the steps you’re taking toward your happiness.
Those who care about you are aware of your past and the behaviors that were part of it. It’s crucial for them to see that you are actively ensuring your own well-being so they don’t feel the need to intervene on your behalf.
Your vigilance in safeguarding your progress is vital, not just for your peace of mind but also for theirs.
