It’s one thing to be afraid to fall off your bike. It’s another to never consider riding one at all, just in case you fall.
The fear of failing can be imagined as so traumatic and painful to some that they literally do nothing instead. As you know, doing nothing leaves you in a rut. It is the fastest way to go nowhere.
It’s time to redefine failure and learn what success actually feels like.
Do you carry around the fear of failure? A listener of my podcast reached out to me about this topic, sharing their struggle with it in various aspects of life – from career advancement to adopting healthy habits and losing weight. They mentioned being obese and dealing with other medical issues, as well as feeling this fear in their hobbies and passions.
The listener explained that after discussing this with their therapist, they realized they had internalized their mom’s failure. This led them to believe that everything they start ends in failure, causing them to avoid trying new things altogether.
They recognized this as an irrational thought pattern but felt stuck and unsure about how to move forward and make changes in their life.
I can relate to this struggle. I’ve gone through periods where I thought, “Why bother? It’s not going to work out anyway,” or “I’m just going to fail, so why try?”
I’ve had moments of doubting my intelligence or not thinking I had enough resources or energy to succeed.
To the listener, it’s great that you’ve talked with your therapist about this. However, I’m curious about what you mean by your “mom’s failure.” Do you mean that your mom sees you as a failure or that she failed in raising you? While this information might be helpful, we can still explore some other thoughts on this topic.
From my perspective, many people view failure negatively and often label things as failures when they’re not. I’d like you to consider how you define failure in your life. What does it mean to you?
You might say something like, “I start a job, stay for a few weeks, and then I’m either fired or I quit. Maybe I get tired of it, burn out, or there are issues with the people there.” Using an example like this, the first question I have for you is: Who are you trying to impress?
Failure often comes from that question. Maybe you’re trying to impress yourself or maybe your mom, either consciously or subconsciously. If you live with her, this might be even more likely. But ask yourself, am I trying to impress anyone?
For example, when you start something, are you trying to impress anyone? If you are, ask yourself why. It might seem like a simple concept, but it’s worth exploring.
Maybe you’re trying to impress yourself. Perhaps you want to be better, gain more, make more, do more. But again, why?
Maybe you’ll say you want to feel like you’ve accomplished something to feel worthy and important?
I’m asking these questions because I want you to dig deeper than usual.
Why do you want to feel worthy?
Why do you want to feel important?
This is just one possible scenario, of course. You might not feel this way at all. But let’s follow this path for a moment:
Why do you want to impress someone?
Why do you want to feel important or worthy?
Your answer might be that you never felt worthy before. Or maybe you don’t feel worthy to anyone now. Maybe you think you’re a loser, or you think people see you as a loser.
If you believe (or know) people see you as a loser, here’s a key question:
How is that a problem?
So They Think You’re a Loser
I’ve gotten negative feedback on my podcast before. I don’t get many negative comments, thankfully, but when I do, they can hurt. But I share some of them I receive on the show because I believe in being open and vulnerable.
When we put ourselves out there in a vulnerable state, we lower our defenses. We still have them, but we lower them to show people our true, imperfect selves.
If you show your true self with all your faults and problems, then you are being authentic. Authenticity is the key to owning who you are: Everything perfect and imperfect about yourself. Owning who you are means accepting that certain people won’t like how you show up in the world, and you’re okay with it.
Why would you be okay with that? Because when you know you can’t change who you are, you might as well accept and embrace who you are. And I’d rather people judge me based on my authentic self rather than a false image I might try to create to please them.
Some people try to create certain impressions in others’ minds so they’ll think better of them. I did this for most of my life. I tried to make people think better of me so they’d like me, stay friends with me, think I was cool, and include me in whatever they were doing. It was a people-pleasing habit.
But trying to create these impressions on others, whether you realize you’re doing it or not, will wear you out and make you feel like a failure. This is just one aspect of what this listener is asking about, but it’s important to understand.
When you choose not to be authentic and instead try to create a certain image, people will judge you based on that false front. They’ll try to figure out who you really are, but they’ll only see the version you’ve shown them, which isn’t complete.
Never try to impress anyone by trying to be someone you aren’t, or you will have already failed.
This doesn’t mean never to try to expand or evolve yourself. It doesn’t mean you can’t try to be successful in other areas of your life. It means if you change who you are for someone else just to be liked or accepted, you will soon discover how draining it is and won’t be able to keep up the facade.
Not showing up authentically is a kind of failure in itself. Authenticity is scary and makes us feel vulnerable. But when you’re not being true to yourself, you’re setting yourself up for failure from the start.
Fear of Failure is Exhausting
Picture your first day at a new job. You show up trying to look confident and smart. You’re creating the impression that you know what you’re doing. You’re smiling and appearing happy all day long.
But what if none of that is true? What if you don’t feel confident, knowing you’re not as knowledgeable in some areas of the job, and you’re not actually happy throughout the day? Maybe you even got stressed out at some point. All of this pretending creates resistance in your system – your body and mind.
To break it down, let’s look at just one part: putting on a fake smile all day.
Think about someone working on a sales floor who has to fake a smile and be cheerful to everyone they meet, even when they don’t want to. It’s hard to imagine most people can keep this up all day without it taking a toll. We all need breaks. We need time to ourselves. Most of us need to recharge.
The truth is not everyone is happy all the time. Things happen. You might deal with a tough client or a difficult customer, and suddenly, you don’t feel like smiling for the next person. And when you feel forced to put on this facade, you’re setting yourself up for trouble.
I know this idea might worry some people reading this because they’re concerned about keeping their jobs. We’re often told to be happy and not show stress in front of customers, clients, or on the phone. There are rules we’re expected to follow in the work world, and not following them could mean losing our job.
I’m not suggesting you should suddenly start being 100% authentic in every situation. Sometimes it’s not fitting. For instance, if you’re happy at a funeral, it’s probably not right to show all your joy. But even that depends on the context – some people might want their funeral to be a celebration of their life and not a somber and mournful affair.
The point is there are times when you need to hold back and not be exactly who you want to be in that moment. You’ll have to use your judgment in each situation. Sometimes, you have a job where you need to act a certain way to keep that job, and that’s okay.
I’m not saying that in order to not feel like a failure, you should quit your job or change your whole life. I just want to point out that when you do things you don’t feel like doing or pretend to be someone you’re not, you create resistance in your body. Then, you carry this resistance with you until you reach a breaking point.
What I mean is that you’ll have certain feelings about how things go throughout the day. And if you’re holding back stress, worry, sadness, or even just being tired – like when you want to yawn but can’t because someone’s in front of you and might think you’re bored – it adds up. All these little things we do (or don’t do) in front of others, often to try to impress them, create a conflict between what we’re doing and what we want to do.
This conflict builds resistance inside you. You carry it around, it grows, and by the end of the day, you’re completely worn out. I can certainly relate to this fear of failure, as I’ve experienced it for many years.
So, how do we overcome it? How can we move past this fear without jeopardizing our jobs? Sometimes, it’s possible to do so without losing your position, but other times, it may not be.
This fear can have deep roots, often tracing back to our parents or someone from our past who influenced us through their behavior. Maybe your mom believed her daughter was a failure, or she saw herself as one. These thoughts and behaviors can be passed down through role modeling or other means.
If you’re struggling with a fear of starting things because you’re afraid of failing, there are some strategies I’ve suggested before that I’ll discuss shortly. Conquering this fear is crucial because once you do, you’ll be willing to try anything, regardless of how many times you might fail.
Failure is a Stepping Stone, not a Roadblock
The concept of failure starts to fade when you stop trying to shape others’ perceptions of you and your own self-image. When you do that, you not only cease setting unrealistic expectations that you probably can’t meet or maintain, but you begin to show up as your authentic, imperfect, flawed self.
That’s a good thing! Owning your imperfections allows you to free yourself from internal resistance and stop carrying the burden of the fear of failure. Once the inner conflict and resistance disappear, and you stop obsessing over how others perceive you, you’ll focus on feeling comfortable in your own skin instead. Regardless of your appearance or age, once you’re at ease with yourself and others’ opinions, nothing can hold you back.
I want to emphasize the importance of asking “why,” as I mentioned earlier. Asking “why” can help minimize the significance we attach to certain reasons. This doesn’t apply to everything in life, but when I asked why you were trying to impress someone or why you care about certain things, it was to help you reduce the importance of those things.
I understand that failing at something you’re trying to accomplish can feel important – I’m not dismissing that. If you have a fear of failure, you definitely have genuine feelings and emotions about it. However, clinging to these emotions and believing they’re so crucial that not succeeding (however you define success) or not presenting yourself in a certain way will be life-altering is exactly what holds you back. It’s what causes internal resistance and conflict, which are obstacles that keep you from persisting.
Why ask why?
I really dislike lingering emotions, especially the negative ones. They bother me so much that I feel compelled to work through and release whatever is causing that inner tension. One of the ways I process and let go of any internal conflict or resistance is by minimizing its importance. I do this by asking myself, “Why?”
Let me give you an example. I used to be a jealous person for no real reason other than I had insecurities. When I wanted to stop feeling jealous and start healing old dysfunctions like this, during jealous moments, I would ask myself, “Why am I jealous?”
Then I’d come up with an answer like, “I don’t want my partner to go out with that guy. If she wants to leave me for some reason and goes out with him, I have to be jealous because I need to protect my place in her life!”
Looking back, I realize this was me trying to shield her from seeing someone else as more attractive, special, or worthy than me – insecurities that I needed to heal.
Since I wanted to move past my jealousy and other insecurities, I dug deeper with another “why” question: “Why do I care if she breaks up with me?”
In my mind, at the time, this was crucial. If she left me, it felt like the end of the world. That’s the value I placed on the event I was jealous about. A breakup seemed life-ending, and that’s how I felt about it for many years. Breaking up also felt like it would be the end of happiness altogether.
If what I feared actually happened, it would be life-changing. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t end my life, but I feared my life changing so dramatically. And this perspective caused me to place a high level of importance on the idea that my life and happiness would be altered forever.
“Why do I care if she breaks up with me?”
Just posing that question to myself lowered the importance level of that possible event in my mind. The event itself was still significant – I wasn’t dismissing it entirely – but when I asked myself “why,” it helped put things in perspective.
Why is experiencing a big failure such a problem? That’s another question that came to my mind back then.
“Failure” is something you may want to redefine because we can place so much importance on it even though it may not be as important or impactful as we believe it is. Failure isn’t anything tangible. It’s like a label without a reason. If you place a label with the word “Important” on a loaf of bread, do you really know why it’s important?
It’s “important” to know why failure is important to you.
To determine why failing makes such an impact on you, I’ve created a self-questioning process that might seem strange at first but stick with me because it might be what helps to rise above the fear of failure and into a new space.
Let’s start small by answering what might be a couple of the more direct questions. Since we just talked about jealousy, I’ll use it for this example.
Why are you jealous?
Why are you worried your partner will break up with you?
If you are dealing with jealousy, your answer might be, “If they break up with me, I won’t be happy.”
That is an answer, but it’s not a deep enough one. We need to dig deeper:
Why is it so important to be happy?
This is a question that might seem silly or obvious. But asking yourself questions that usually get a, “Anyone would feel that way,” response is a great place to start. It opens a door you may not have opened before. When we answer a question like that with such an obvious answer, we usually end up putting ourselves in a box with “anyone” or “everyone.” For example, most people assume “anyone” would be upset if their partner broke up with them. But why?
Let’s challenge this concept:
Why would anyone be upset?
Sure, most people would be unhappy if their partner left them. But what if that partner wasn’t so great? Their answer might be different. Okay, that eliminates “anyone” and “everyone,” so we can’t really use “anyone would be upset” all the time.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘I know that. That’s obvious. It’s just an expression.’
But the goal is to get past those age-old expressions and dig deeper. Asking yourself a question that has an “Anyone would feel that way” response is a great first step into deeper reasons.
When you remove “anyone” from the equation, what’s left is just you and how it affects you personally. Removing ‘anyone’ helps you answer the question differently because you have your own experience. And that experience is unique to you even if others have had similar experiences. But taking out anyone and everyone means you are now focused solely on yourself and your experience.
That old ‘anyone would feel that way’ excuse keeps us stuck in a box. And if we never climb out of that box, we’re doomed to believe there’s no way out of our fears and insecurities for the rest of our lives – perhaps keeping those fears and insecurities indefinitely.
If you never explore or reduce the importance of what you fear or what you’re insecure about, you are more likely to believe ‘this is how it will always be, and nothing will ever change.’
Here is a rewording of the questions from above. But this time, we’ll address failure:
Why is it such a big deal if you fail? Who cares?
And most importantly, who are you trying to impress?
Really think about these things. Are you trying to impress your parents? Your partner? Your boss? There can be a lot of energy wasted trying to shape how others see you.
I can imagine someone reading this right now thinking something along the lines of, “But my boss will fire me if I stop trying to impress them.”
I get it. And yes, that could be true! But after years of trying to impress people, then deciding I was no longer going to do that, I took a mask off that I had glued on for years. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
After I took the mask off and stopped believing I had to impress people, that’s the point I became more authentic and open. And if you’ve been following my podcast for a while, you’ve probably noticed I try to be transparent. I’ve shared things on both of my shows that I’ve never told anyone outside my close family and relationships.
I once shared my body image issues with about 50,000 listeners. If you search my catalog, you can still find that episode today (I think it was an episode on embarrassment). I was able to share something so personal because I’ve reduced my body image issues’ importance in my life. I’ve made them less significant, mainly because I was tired of that insecurity holding me back from being my true self.
Can You Move Past Your Insecurities and Fears?
When we keep something secret because we’re self-conscious or afraid, we tend to hide it from everyone. But what does hiding something do to us inside? Think about something you don’t want anyone to know. How would you feel if someone found out?
For most people, that doesn’t feel very good! It might even make you feel sick or uncomfortable.
Now, imagine holding onto that secret and not sharing it with anyone. Some people might be okay with it, thinking, “If no one finds out, I’m fine.” But what happens when the topic comes up in conversation? When you hear someone talking about something related to your secret, how does it make you feel? If it feels negative at all, that’s what you’re carrying inside.
Walking around with secrets that make us feel bad is what brings fear and insecurity into our lives.
This doesn’t mean you should tell everyone everything. Being completely open with everyone isn’t necessary. But it’s good to be aware of what you’re holding onto. When you choose to be open about something, like I’ve done in my podcast and blog over the years, it often makes that burden disappear.
Being open can be like a magic solution. If more people were willing to take the risk of being honest, it would solve so many problems. Of course, there are exceptions. Some people will never share certain things about themselves, and that’s okay. And it can even be healthy. Does that uncaring relative really need to know how much ice cream you ate that day?
You can have secrets. You can keep things to yourself. But if you’re carrying around negative feelings because you’re afraid of people finding out these things, you can often lessen that negativity by talking about it. Find someone you trust and be open with them.
This is why many people go to therapy. They can tell the therapist anything, and when they leave, they feel relieved. “I’ve finally let it all to someone I can trust will keep my secret to themselves! Now I can let it go and move on.”
It’s not always that easy, but holding onto secrets can keep you in a constant state of worry. And I’d rather try letting it out with someone I trust as opposed to holding it in while in a low-level state of worry for most of my life.
This brings us back to the fear of failure. If you’re afraid of someone finding out something about you or thinking you’re stupid, it affects your life. It affects your decisions. You might say No to things you want to do and Yes to things you don’t want to do. It can cause anxiety and be debilitating to carry around all these thoughts about what we don’t want to happen. That’s why I say how important it is to accept our faults and imperfections.
I got an email once from someone who said they were obese. They were insecure about it and were carrying around fears of judgment and ridicule. I told them to consider accepting their obesity, telling the world, “Yeah, that’s who I am. This is how I am. This is the way it is. I’m obese. I’m fat, whether you like it or not.” Of course, if there are health concerns about obesity, it’s important to address those. I wouldn’t talk anyone out of seeing a professional for their health. But it’s crucial to deal with the mental and emotional stuff, too, or you may never feel comfortable being yourself.
My message is one of acceptance: Accept yourself with all your faults and imperfections.
I’m a tall guy who used to be skinny. And during that time, many people called me “lanky.” I used to hate that term. It didn’t sound like a compliment to me. It sounded like a disparagement.
But one day, I decided to own my “lankiness.” When I did that, I no longer felt the resistance build up inside me when people said it. I even decided to describe myself to people as tall and lanky when the subject came up.
Now that I’ve hit my fifties, I have developed a spare tire where my six-pack should be! Of course, I haven’t had a six-pack since my late twenties. I’m okay with that, but… I think I’d like it back.
This is vulnerability. This is me sharing things with you, probably a complete stranger, that risks your judgment and criticism. And maybe you have no judgments about what I just shared. But even if you did, that’s okay because I own who I am, “imperfections” and all.
I’d rather share this stuff and let it go than hold on to it. When you keep things hidden from the world, you create a conflict inside yourself. Conflict creates resistance and compounds with the fear of someone finding it out. If they find out, you may believe they’ll think less of you. But holding on to what you fear affects every behavior and decision you make.
Conflict and resistance can affect your success and cause you to fear failure.
As you make decisions and live your life, any negativity you’re carrying around influences your choices. But if you accept who you are, owning every bit of yourself, your decisions change. The reason for that is because your decisions are no longer based on fear. They are based on what you truly want to do with your life. And when you’re no longer carrying around the fear of what people think of you or what will happen if you “fail,” and you accept that failure is a possible outcome, you’ll be more likely to try more things.
Who cares if you fail? It’s not that important. You can always get up and try again or do something else. Think about riding a bike. It’s a simple and overused example, but it fits perfectly. When you first try to ride a bike, you wobble and might fall. Most people fail on their first attempt because they haven’t found their balance yet.
But is that failure? You wouldn’t tell a kid riding a bike for the first time that they failed and shouldn’t ride bikes anymore. Instead, you’d encourage them to try again. This teaches them that it’s okay not to succeed on the first try. They might get it on the second or third try or even the 22nd try. But they’ll learn something on every try.
We need to give ourselves this same positive encouragement:
If I fall off a bike, I’ll get back on.
If I mess up a big report for my boss, I’ll do it again or do it better next time. I might even offer to work extra time to fix it. (I’m not saying you should work for free – always get paid for your work!)
The point is, it’s okay to mess up because everyone does (There’s an appropriate use of “anyone” and “everyone” because it is a step toward empowerment instead of disempowerment).
And if you’re around someone who thinks they’re perfect, don’t use them as a measurement of your success! Their standards will always be too high.
That’s why I love being imperfect and having faults. I show up as myself, transparent and vulnerable. I don’t compare myself to people who are better looking, richer, or more knowledgeable. I’m not trying to be like them – I’m aiming to be the best version of myself.
That’s what I want for you, too.
Be the best version of yourself.
You have different skills than other people. You are a different person and will have your strengths and weaknesses. You might face criticism or judgment from time to time, but remember:
You make the best you there is.
Being the best version of yourself should be your only focus.
Before closing, I want to remind you about the worst-case scenario. That’s when we imagine how things might unfold in a bad way and get potentially worse.
I enjoy going through this type of visualization because it pushes me to think outside the box. We know about the “anybody and everybody” box. That’s the one where we assume everyone would feel or react the same way. The worst-case scenario exercise helps us break free from that mindset.
Though I don’t have the space to get into the full process, here’s a quick summary of that exercise. Ask yourself What If questions, then take it a step further:
What if I lose my job?
What if I lose my house?
What if I lose someone I love?
Whatever it is you’re worried about losing, ask yourself, ‘What if I lose it?’
After you answer that question, go to an ever worse outcome by asking yourself, “What’s worse than that?”
You might think, ‘wow, that’s really bad.’ But keep going:
What’s even worse than that?
“I might end up on the street!”
What’s worse than that?
“If I’m on the street, I could go hungry. I might freeze because it’s cold outside.”
That might sound awful and maybe hard to imagine, but push even further than that:
What’s worse than that?
“What’s worse than that? I could die!”
After going through all these increasingly dire scenarios, now circle back to the original problem. If you were talking about losing your job, come back to that initial thought: what if I lose my job?
Does that question still feel as devastating as it did when you first asked it?
That’s the gist of the worst-case scenario. And now that you’ve explored worse and worse outcomes, even ending with your own death, does losing your job, for example, seem like such as big a deal as it once was?
You might think, “I don’t like the idea of losing my job, but it’s certainly better than dying.”
Try this process on some of the things you fear. If they’re too hard to consider, or you become traumatized by starting to think this way, then stop right away and do it with someone you trust or a professional who can walk you through it.
I wanted to introduce you to that concept if you never considered it before because it can help you put things in perspective. It can decrease the importance of what you fear happening, which is the goal. When you compare your current fears and insecurities to these extreme scenarios, it often helps you realize that things may not be as bad as you first considered them to be.
This exercise isn’t meant to dismiss your concerns or make light of difficult situations. Instead, it’s a tool to help you gain perspective and reduce anxiety about potential outcomes. It reminds us that even in tough times, there’s usually a way forward, and things are rarely as catastrophic as our fears might make us believe.
I hope you’ve found this article helpful in reframing your thoughts and concerns. Remember, it’s okay to feel worried or upset about the challenges in your life. But sometimes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture can help you face those challenges with a clearer, calmer mindset.
