Relationships require empathy. Without it, you will have an imbalance that will not only feel lonely but also emotionally toxic.
A woman once asked me if it’s possible for a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to change. She wondered if her narcissistic husband could have matured and outgrown the disorder.
Unfortunately, I have some bad news. If someone has been diagnosed with NPD, it’s unlikely they’ve grown out of it. It’s a personality disorder, and according to experts on this subject, people don’t typically outgrow these types of disorders.
However, I have my own thoughts on this. I believe if someone practices empathy and works on it, they might start developing it. But even that can be very hard for people who don’t have any empathy to begin with.
When there’s no empathy present, it’s challenging to find or start developing it. There’s nothing to build on. This is just my amateur opinion, so don’t take it as fact. Many experts have studied this to the nth degree, so I encourage you to review their research on NPD. From what I’ve learned, there are some people who don’t seem to be born with empathy.
You might have heard about young teenagers doing things a sociopath would do. When they’re questioned about their awful actions by law enforcement (I’ve seen a lot of interrogation videos), they show no care about what they did or who they hurt. They don’t seem to care about the consequences of their behavior. If you’ve seen these videos, you’ll agree that some of them seem to have no remorse or feel any empathy.
It makes you wonder why. Were they born that way? Were they conditioned? Did they learn it from a parent or through neglect? I’ve had personal and professional experiences with narcissistic people, though I can’t say if they were fully “disordered.”
I’ve talked with them and even supported some who wanted to change. A few of them wanted to change, not because they cared about hurting people, but because they didn’t want to be left alone.
NPD often comes with deep insecurity, leading to an almost desperate need for someone in their life. Sadly, this desperate need often leads to controlling behavior to keep those people in their life, along with other NPD symptoms such as a grandiose sense of self, entitlement, lack of empathy, and other components that make a narcissistic person.
Narcissists try to control the person they need while attempting to seek a sense of worth and connection.
From my conversations with them, I’ve found some do actually care about the people they’re hurting, but most only care about themselves and their own needs. When they’re like this, especially as they get older, the chances of them changing are very slim. However, if there’s any empathy present, there might be a chance.
How Do You Create or Strengthen Empathy?
My approach to developing or increasing empathy starts with imagining losing someone or something you really care about. How would that feel?
That’s my basic approach to teaching empathy: Imagining or understanding loss. For example, imagine someone you care deeply about died – how would that feel? For most people, that would elicit a profound sense of loss.
If you don’t need help creating or practicing empathy, I suggest you perhaps don’t do these exercises I’m talking about here. It’s a tough process for empathetic people because it’s almost guaranteed to make you sad. And most people don’t want to feel that way. Who wants to think about losing someone or something important to them?
When you experience loss, you begin your journey into empathy. If you struggle with empathy, try to step into that feeling of loss.
For me, losing my wife or stepson would be gut-wrenching. They’re deeply important to me.
This is just step one toward empathy. The second step is to imagine the other person feeling the same way. As you feel loss and all the emotions related to that loss, and you can imagine the other person feeling that same way and realize it’s probably affecting them the same way it’s affecting you, that’s building your empathy muscles.
When you experience the emotion and step into that emotion with another person experiencing that same emotion, that’s empathy.
Here’s an example: If someone tells you they are really sad, and you want to practice empathy, think about what makes you sad, too. I usually think of something I would feel devastated losing.
Maybe the end of a movie makes you sad. While that may not seem like a deep personal connection, it can remind you of something or someone you’ve lost.
At this point, most people would be experiencing empathy. Without diving in too deep into more of the process, I wanted to give you my personal approach to starting the build it.
In my Healed Being program, I work with people who haven’t practiced empathy and want to change their emotionally abusive behaviors. Most of the members of that program realized, either through reflection or because they were told, that they were hurting the people they loved. That’s the first step for an emotional abuser: Recognizing that they don’t want to be that hurtful person anymore.
This realization is crucial. Those who hurt others need to want to stop hurting their partner or family and show up as a better person. And almost always, to stop this behavior, they need to feel the pain and suffering of those they’ve hurt. They need to imagine what it feels like to be in their shoes.
I tried this for the first time at the end of my previous marriage many years ago. I finally tried on empathy, but it was too late – my wife had fallen out of love with me, and for good reason. I was difficult to love back then. I had to learn empathy by putting myself in her position and seeing myself from her perspective.
I used to be critical, judgmental, and guilt-tripping. I would withdraw love and affection and give the silent treatment. It makes me sick to think about who I used to be, but I was that person not only to her but to my previous partners as well.
I’m sharing this to be transparent about who I was and how I had to learn empathy. It wasn’t easy for me to learn. It took a huge leap of faith to step out of my existing model of reality – my beliefs, values, behaviors, and how I viewed the world.
This is a difficult step for many people to take. Some continue hurting others because they don’t want to step out of their own reality. They might not believe any other reality exists, or they’re so convinced they’re right that stepping out of their truths would mean shaking their very foundation and admitting they’re wrong about what they believed to be right for almost all of their life.
Most of us want to stay in the reality that makes us most comfortable (unless it’s miserable and we’re open to new paths). For some, the idea of stepping out of their reality is so foreign that they won’t even consider it. That was me for over thirty years.
Unfortunately, when you believe your reality is the only right one, you tend to hurt people you love. If you can’t open your mind, listen, and be supportive, even when someone disagrees with you, your reality becomes difficult, and so does theirs.
If you’re not willing to listen, learn, ask questions, and be open to being wrong, your reality becomes challenging. This is especially true when you encounter someone who isn’t like you, which might be a real issue if you’re used to being around like-minded people all the time.
Is hurting people a clear sign that they have no empathy?
The woman who shared with me that her husband was narcissistic and selfish wondered if he had changed. She saw some signs of hope when he started working and paying some bills, and even now, he occasionally brings her flowers, which he had never done before. She wondered if she was witnessing true change or if he’d just gotten better at playing the part.
While I don’t like giving bad news, the answer is probably no. It’s very unlikely that he has, in her words, “matured or grown out of his narcissistic personality disorder.”
If he wasn’t officially diagnosed with NPD, there might be a chance that he is changing. However, in her message, she also told me she watched a documentary on narcissistic abuse and felt that every point they brought up about those with NPD matched her experience with her husband.
One important question to this woman is: Has he ever shown empathy?
When you show empathy, you likely don’t have a personality disorder. You’re probably just choosing not to be empathetic. A person who mistreats you wants what they want, regardless of how you feel about it. That may or may not be a lack of empathy, but it is for sure self-entitled and selfish.
How Do I Know If The Unempathetic Person Has Changed?
If you think someone who has been hurtful to you in the past might be changing, you might need to test their triggers. This doesn’t mean taking extreme measures. You can test them in small ways – in ways that used to set them off.
For example, if jealousy was an issue in your relationship with them, you could mention going out with a friend and possibly running into an ex. Casually say like, “I’m going out with my friends, and we might run into my ex. I’m not sure if that’ll happen, but I’m looking forward to having a good time.”
Afterward, pay attention to their reaction. Someone who’s working on their issues might say, “That used to upset me. I still have some feelings about it, but have a good time. I’m just dealing with some insecurity and trying to figure out why I feel this way. Yes, please go and enjoy yourself!”
A person who’s truly healed won’t think twice about your comment. They’ll say something along the lines of, “Have a great time! I’ll probably be asleep when you get home. Say hi to your friends for me!”
A person who has healed from jealousy trusts you. And because they trust you and care about you, they aren’t going to have jealous thoughts because they feel secure and know there’s nothing to worry about.
Jealousy is mostly about trust, though it also involves insecurities like the fear of being alone or abandoned. But at its core, jealousy is really about trust.
When you trust someone completely, you don’t worry about other people coming on to them. If someone flirted with me, I’d be flattered but would simply say I’m happily married. Asha, my wife, wouldn’t have to feel jealous because she trusts me. Even if the other person came on strongly, Asha would expect (rightly so) that I would have no problem letting the other person know ‘I’m not available’ and that there was no chance.
When there’s trust, there’s no need to be defensive or overexplain anything. Someone who trusts you 100% doesn’t walk around with jealous thoughts or feelings. They just trust you’ll make the right choice.
When you’re afraid of being abandoned or rejected, it can amplify jealous feelings and make you trust people even less. Most jealousy is a mix of insecurities and mistrust that feed off and into each other.
If you’re dealing with a jealous partner, it can be frustrating, especially if you’ve never given them a reason to doubt you. Their jealousy might come from past experiences or a general distrust of partners. As a couple, 100% trust is needed on both sides. Otherwise, there’ll always be a point of contention that you can’t get past. However, when there is 100% trust on both sides, that’s when you feel the most comfortable and safe in a relationship.
Trust is a vital part of a healthy, balanced relationship. If one person only trusts 75% while the other trusts 100%, you’ll feel that imbalance. It creates an underlying issue that can surface in various ways. Building trust and maintaining that trust is one of the primary keys to a strong relationship.
Testing the Trigger
Since we’re on the subject of jealousy, we’ll work with that. If you’re in a relationship or can remember one you’ve been in, imagine your partner used to struggle with jealousy, but they’ve worked on it and seem to have healed. You’ve done your part by reassuring them and making them feel secure in the relationship, so now you feel you’re in a good place. But you want to make sure those old insecurities are truly gone so you don’t have to deal with those old jealousy issues they used to have.
One way to test the trigger, so to speak, is to share an experience with them where someone flirted with you. For example, you might come home and say, “Hey, you won’t believe what happened today. Someone tried to come on to me!”
I’m not trying to get you to stir up trouble. But I want to help you make sure that it’s okay to talk openly about your everyday life experiences with your partner without some old pattern of dysfunctional or toxic behavior coming up.
The scenario is you told your partner about someone who approached you, started flirting, and wouldn’t stop. You explain how you felt awkward at first, then flattered, and finally uncomfortable, and chose to end the conversation with that person. You share with your partner how you handled it, letting them know you told the person that you’re married and happy but thanked them for the compliment.
In this example, how might your partner react? Would they laugh it off? I know my wife would. She would probably say something along the lines of, “Oh my god, that’s hilarious. You’re 54!” We’d probably both laugh after that.
Or perhaps she’d ask for more details, treating it like gossip, wanting to know what happened next and what happened after that.
A truly healed person who has moved past their jealousy issues might even acknowledge their growth, saying something like, “You know, things like that used to really bother me. But I’m okay with that now. It sounds like you handled it well.”
Of course, an insecure person might handle things much differently: “Who was this person? How old were they? What did they look like? Were they more attractive than me?”
If this happens, now you’re going to have a serious conversation based on their fears coming true.
This kind of test can be valuable in any relationship where someone claims to have overcome certain triggers. It’s not about creating problems out of thin air but about expressing yourself as you would in a completely secure relationship. It’s a way to ensure that their healing is real and that you can truly be yourself around them. In a healthy relationship, you should feel like you can trust your partner completely.
Imagine your partner telling you they’re going on a two-week business trip with their boss. You might feel a bit uncomfortable if their boss could be a potential partner if your partner was single, but if you feel secure in yourself and the relationship, you should be able to say, “Okay, enjoy yourself. Call me when you can, and I’ll see you when you get back.”
But what if you’re in a relationship where trust has been broken? You might want to test if old patterns are still there. For example, the woman who wrote to me told me her husband suddenly started bringing her flowers after years of not doing so. This kind of unexpected change can raise questions! Is he being genuinely kind? Or is he feeling guilty about something?
If I were in that situation, I’d want to know why my partner was bringing me flowers. If she started bringing them out of the blue, I’d ask what prompted it.
A vague answer like “It’s just because I love you” wouldn’t satisfy me. I’d want a more specific explanation, at least in the context of her being hurtful in the past. In other words, in a healthy relationship, flowers can add variety and even amplify loving feelings. After all, spontaneous gestures of love are wonderful.
But when someone who’s been abusive for years suddenly becomes nice, it’s natural to be suspicious. You have to wonder what’s really going on when they suddenly change like that.
I certainly don’t want to make the person who wrote to me paranoid, but it’s important that she addresses what’s happened in the past to find out if he is really changing or just trying to put her focus on something else.
In her case, he’d been treating her poorly for a decade. A sudden change like this needs an explanation.
It’s sad when the kindness of someone who is supposed to love and support you is the act that makes you worry that something’s wrong.
But that’s often the reality in troubled relationships. In fact, my wife experienced this in her previous marriage. She knew something was off when her ex-husband started being unusually nice.
That’s not how relationships should work. But it’s definitely how they do work when there’s been so much hurt and suffering throughout the years of a toxic relationship.
If you’re in this situation, you might need to carefully test if the old behaviors are still there. Pay attention to how your partner reacts to things that used to trigger negative responses.
And, of course, it would be irresponsible of me not to remind you to be careful if you’re in a relationship with someone who is aggressive or violent. If there’s any risk of injury, even severe emotional injury, prioritize your safety. And in especially dangerous and physically violent relationships, you need to plan ahead, creating an escape plan to make sure you’re ready to go in a moment’s notice.
If you’re in a situation where you fear for your safety, don’t try to test triggers. Instead, focus on protecting yourself and getting support.
Often, the Triggers Will Be Tested Without Your Help
I once shared a story about a solicitor coming to my door and how I quickly dismissed them. A listener left a review after that episode, saying I was rude for slamming the door in the solicitor’s face. They also mentioned my voice was annoying, but that’s a side note.
To be fair, I didn’t actually slam the door. I simply asked the solicitor if they had read the “No Soliciting” sign at the bottom of the stairs. When they hesitated, I politely said something like, “There’s no soliciting here. Thanks for stopping by,” before closing the door.
Shortly after I shut the door, I started feeling bad about how I handled the situation. I realized I could have done better and acted with more compassion.
I got easily frustrated because we had gotten a lot of solicitors lately, and it was getting tiring. Especially since we both work from home, and it’s hard to stay focused when random people knock on your door and change your focus. What’s more frustrating is that we actually have a clear “no soliciting” sign at the bottom of the stairs leading to the front door, and it still doesn’t stop everyone.
Anyway, I shared this story on a previous episode of my podcast to be transparent about my mistakes and the lessons I’ve learned. And if the reviewer thought I came across as rude to the solicitor, they have a right to their opinion. And though I felt bad after the solicitor left, he had no idea I regretted how I treated him. So, I also had that floating around in my brain!
When I share reviews on my show, including the negative ones, it’s to give you an honest picture of who I am and what people think of me. That’s what I teach! I try to convey that honesty, authenticity, and acknowledging mistakes are healthy choices we should all try to make.
Sometimes, we need to apologize and move forward. At other times, we have to reflect on our actions when we can’t directly apologize to the person involved. In this scenario, the solicitor left, and it was too late to apologize.
My approach to dealing with the mistakes I’ve made in the past is to pay it forward positively. That way, if I can’t apologize or make amends to a person I’ve wronged in the past, the least I could do is change how I treat others in the future. The most I could do might be to do the opposite of what I did in the past, truly swinging the pendulum to the completely opposite side.
Funny enough, someone else came to our door a few days after this incident. When I heard the doorbell, I realized it was my opportunity to pay it forward positively. So, instead of immediately dismissing them, I decided to be more open and welcoming. I opened the door and asked how I could help them. I was waiting for the sales pitch, but it turned out to be our neighbor returning something they borrowed from us.
Oh! Okay. Glad I didn’t open the door and ask, “What do you want, jerk?”
This experience was a good test of my trigger. Frequent door knocks from people offering services or conducting surveys I’m not interested in can be quite annoying. So it’s important I maintain my composure and treat people like people.
My previous mindset was, “I’ll call you if I need your product or service. Now leave me alone.” Now, I try to be more understanding. I know many of these people work hard, possibly even for minimum wage, canvassing our neighborhood, dealing with people like me, and worse.
But that’s not always the case. Every knock isn’t a sales pitch. I’m learning that when someone knocks on our door, it’s just better to find out what they want and politely decline if I’m not interested. I’ll admit, it will still annoy me. But this situation taught me a valuable lesson that I might be walking around with an old trigger that needs to be tested now and again. I’m learning.
