Obsessing about people

Obsession is a potent force, a relentless pursuit that can consume our thoughts, behaviors, and even our lives. It’s a desperate longing that often disregards the clear signs of failure.

I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve been obsessed, and it’s not a place I would wish anyone to be.

When I was younger, I found myself in the throes of obsessive thinking more than once. My first girlfriend, my second girlfriend, my wife – all were subjects of my obsessive thoughts.

I would follow them, physically and mentally, recording their every move in my mind. I would look them up online, trying to piece together a bigger picture, hoping to find a crack in the door that I could slip through.

I remember the first time I felt this way. I was just a teenager, and she was my first girlfriend. I was so enamored with her that I couldn’t see anything else. I would spend hours thinking about her, imagining our future together, and planning every interaction down to the smallest detail. It was all-consuming, and it was unhealthy.

Why do we do this? Why do we continue to obsess about and pursue a person even when failure is clear?

It really comes down to our hope that they’ll change their mind about us. We might think that maybe if they saw this desperate person, they’d reconsider.

But the reality is that the more obsessed we become, the more we drive the object of our obsession away. Our behavior screams, “Get away from me. I’m dangerous,” even though our hearts are aching for connection. It’s a scary place to be, but when obsession takes over, it feels like an unstoppable force.

I’ve also been on the receiving end of obsession. I’ve had people in my life who were relentless in their pursuit, despite my clear indications that I wasn’t interested. It’s an uncomfortable position to be in, and it made me realize the impact of my own obsessive behavior about others.

When it comes to matters of the heart, there can sometimes be a fine line between love and obsession, so it’s crucial to understand the difference.

Love is about supporting the other person’s happiness, even if it doesn’t include you.

Obsession, on the other hand, is a selfish need to fulfill our own desires. It’s about wanting to be with someone so badly that we disregard their feelings and desires.

How do we break free from obsessive thoughts about others?

It’s not easy. And it often requires professional help. But there are steps we can take to start the healing process.

The first step is to recognize and acknowledge our obsession. We need to understand that our obsessive behavior is not healthy and is very likely pushing the other person even further away.

Next, we need to distance ourselves from the person we’re obsessed with. This is easier said than done, but it’s a crucial step in breaking free from obsession. We need to stop following them, stop checking their social media, and stop trying to find out what they’re doing at all times. We need to give them space and respect their boundaries.

Finally, we need to focus on ourselves. Obsession often stems from a lack of self-esteem or a fear of being alone. By working on improving our self-esteem and learning to be comfortable with being alone, we can reduce our reliance on others for our happiness.

There’s more than just these “simple” steps, of course. I get into the details in these episodes of The Overwhelmed Brain.

Breaking free from obsessive thinking is a difficult journey but one worth taking. When we’re obsessed, we need to find a way back to real life. It’s about reclaiming our thoughts and returning to a sense of normalcy.

It’s about learning to love in a healthy way, one that respects the other person’s happiness and autonomy.

It’s a journey I’ve personally taken, and it’s made me a better person. It’s allowed me to feel lighter without all those obsessive thoughts floating around in my head. It’s freed me to feel happy again.

I remember when I first realized I was obsessed. It was a moment of clarity, a moment of understanding that my behavior was not normal. I was sitting alone in my room, scrolling through my ex-girlfriend’s social media profiles, when it hit me:

This isn’t love, this is obsession!

It was a hard pill to swallow, but naming it was the first step toward healing. It was admitting I had a weakness that I needed to address as soon as possible.

I also remember the first time I sought help. I was nervous, scared even, but I knew it was something I had to do. I sat in the therapist’s office, my hands shaking, my heart pounding as I poured out my feelings and told her of my fears and, of course, my obsessions.

It was a cathartic experience and one that started me down a better path.

It was also quite an arduous journey. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t quick. There were setbacks. There were relapses. But there was also progress. Slowly but surely, I began to regain control over my thoughts, my behaviors, and my life. I learned to recognize the signs of obsession and to distance myself from the object of my obsession.

I also learned the most important part: Focus on myself and my own personal development.

I learned the importance of self-love as well. I realized that my obsession stemmed from a lack of self-esteem and a fear of being alone. I had to learn to love myself and be comfortable being alone before I could truly love someone else. It was a difficult lesson to learn, but it was one of the most crucial lesson on my journey.

Today, I can confidently say that I am free from obsession. I’ve learned to love in a healthy way, to respect the other person’s feelings and desires, and to support their happiness even if their happiness doesn’t include me. It’s been worth every step of the journey.

I share my story not to garner sympathy but to perhaps get you started on a path that you or someone you care about might need. Obsession is a serious issue, one that often goes unrecognized and untreated. And if you don’t address it, it can and will only become more pervasive and draining on you.

Love is wonderful. Obsession is not.
Love is about respect, understanding, and support.
Obsession is about control, fear, and selfishness.

Obsession is when you want someone to do what you want regardless of what they want.
Love is when you want to see them happy by pursuing what they want.

I know how hard it is to stop obsessing over someone. In my past, it didn’t matter if they didn’t want me.
I wanted them.

When I finally decided to take my focus off of the other person, it was only then I realized just how much I was pushing them away from me instead of letting them care about me in their own way.

Giving someone the freedom to choose whatever they want is one of the most loving things you can do. When you’re obsessively wanting them to do what you want, it’s practically a guarantee you’ll lose them forever.