Why do obsessive thoughts take over our minds? What keeps them there? And why can’t we stop them after they start?
Obsessive thoughts are pervasive and invasive. If you’re struggling to let go of past events and find yourself caught in cycles of regret and anger, I want to help you get off the hamster wheel and back on steady ground again.
Obsession is one of the most challenging thought processes to overcome. I’ve discussed it several times over the years because so many people have a lot of difficulty stopping the behavior. When you’re obsessive, it’s nearly impossible to stop thinking about what you’re obsessing about, no matter what anyone says to you. Obsession is like a tire fire that never goes out.
If you’re going through a breakup, you might find yourself constantly checking their social media, trying to gauge if they’re happy or sad. You might hope they’re sad because it could mean they miss you, giving you a glimmer of hope for reconciliation. This is how obsession operates – it floods your mind with hope, anger, and regret. These thoughts permeate your mind and seem never-ending.
Therapy can be beneficial, or maybe a friend or family member might say something that changes everything. You might even hear or read something in one of my podcast episodes or articles that finally helps you break free from obsessive thinking.
I’ve experienced obsession myself. I used to have an obsessive personality where if something happened that I didn’t want, I’d fixate on it, hoping things would change to align with my desires. It consumed so much time and energy, making it hard to think clearly. It almost feels like a chemical reaction you can’t control.
One of my most intense obsessive episodes occurred in my early 30s after a major breakup. I was completely fixated on my ex, wanting to know her every move. I’d drive by her work and leave messages on her car, even though she wanted nothing to do with me. My brain couldn’t accept that it was over.
That’s a key aspect of obsession – your brain isn’t done processing even when the situation is. It keeps trying to solve the problem or change the outcome, rehashing scenarios and imagining different approaches.
The first step I took toward stopping my obsessing was eliminating every thought that change was possible. It sounds challenging, but I was stuck on hope. I asked myself, “What if I knew for a fact that she would never want to see me or be with me again?” This question forced my brain to consider a reality I’d been avoiding.
When we’re trapped in obsessive thinking, we resist entertaining thoughts that contradict our hopes. But introducing these thoughts gives our brain a chance to break free from the hamster wheel of repetitive thoughts and move toward more logical thinking. It’s a difficult process, but it can help you finally stop the endless cycle of obsessive thoughts.
Getting off the hamster wheel of obsessive thoughts is challenging. External interventions rarely work, so the change must come from within. You need to think differently on your own.
To break the cycle, introduce a new thought or concept into your circular thinking pattern. If you can interrupt this process, there’s a chance the obsessive thinking will stop.
Your brain keeps obsessing because it believes something might change. It stays in possibility mode, constantly reworking the situation. To disrupt this pattern, ask yourself: “If I knew for a fact that this would never, ever change, what would I do differently? How would I think or act?”
This question can be applied to many areas of life and has helped me make decisions and move forward.
The crucial second step I took was accepting the above hypothetical scenario as fact. By doing so, I forced myself to make decisions based on this new reality, not on hope or wishful thinking. When you accept the new reality, you’re no longer stuck on possibilities because you’ve created a new set of facts to work with.
For example, if you find yourself obsessing about an ex, ask yourself, “What if I knew for certain they were never coming back? What would I do then?”
This approach isn’t easy because obsessive thinking often serves as a coping mechanism to protect us from negative thoughts. Our brains are trying to shield us from painful realities by focusing on possibilities and hope.
I want to emphasize that you might need professional guidance when tackling these thoughts, especially if you’re dealing with a traumatic loss like the death of a child. Some situations are incredibly painful and difficult to process on your own.
This method of confronting harsh realities can be powerful, but it’s not always appropriate to do alone. If you’re dealing with severe trauma or loss, please seek professional help to guide you through this process safely and effectively.
Losing someone you love is incredibly painful. The grieving process is intense, but eventually, you reach a point where you must accept they’re gone. This acceptance opens the door to moving on, though it can be challenging because it means truly acknowledging the loss.
I like to take a spiritual approach and think that if I lost someone I love, they’d want me to move on and enjoy life. That’s how I view death.
As I get older, I’m aware that important people in my life will die, and it will be difficult. I’m preparing myself for that reality. But obsessive thoughts aren’t always about losing loved ones or breakups – they can be about anything.
The key concept with obsessive thinking is that when you leave room to change your mind or find a different perspective, you allow for a new story. Regret does this, too – it gives us a different narrative, like “I should have done something different.” But your actual story, and why you obsess, is about what you did or didn’t do or what you should or shouldn’t have done.
But it’s important to remember that we’re in the present moment now. That’s why I like asking, “What if I knew for a fact,” or “What if I believed without a doubt,” or “What if I had no choice but to accept this is how it will be forever?”
If that scares you, it’s a good sign. You probably haven’t been scared enough to change your thinking. We often avoid facing scary thoughts about bad things happening in our lives. Instead, we obsess. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism because you can’t truly cope by obsessing. It’s like trying to lose weight by eating nothing but donuts.
What Can You Control?
Someone wrote to me, asking about their divorce and a child support situation. They said they were obsessing over something they couldn’t control: Their ex’s deliberate underemployment leading to high child support payments.
The person who wrote to me is fixated on the behaviors of their ex. They can’t stop thinking about that person and what they’re doing or not doing. This obsession is affecting their mood and dominating their thoughts. They are in a dire emotional state.
To the author of that message, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a challenging situation, especially when you feel there’s an unfair financial burden on you. I know the constant negative thoughts and anger are taking a toll on your well-being.
In cases like this, it’s crucial to find ways to shift focus from what can’t be controlled to what can be. This might involve seeking legal advice, focusing on personal growth, or finding healthy outlets for frustration. Remember, obsessing won’t change the situation, but changing your response to it might improve your quality of life.
Let me give you my first thought, and it’s not going to be pleasant. You might even be upset:
So what? All this stuff you shared with me… So what!
Of course, that’s not my real answer. And I know it sounds cruel of me to say that. I’m just trying to interrupt your thought pattern for a moment. I’m going to approach this with love and respect for your situation and for you.
I hope I’ve shifted the gears in your brain a bit. Sometimes, it can be helpful to throw an obstacle on that hamster wheel of thinking for a moment to get you on a different track.
My “So what?” may not have taken you off that hamster wheel, but if you are a little taken aback by that response, that’s a good thing because it was probably the first real moment you had without obsession! You might have been too surprised by what I said to think about obsessing in that small moment.
Again, my “so what?” is not genuine. It’s not from my heart. It’s just a pattern interrupt – an analytical process I want to take you through. I wanted you to feel different for a moment because you’ve probably not been able to think or feel any other way for a long time.
An alternative consideration is that perhaps when I said, “So what?”, maybe you’ve told yourself, “He’s right. Why don’t I just move on?” If that’s the case, that would be a good outcome as well.
Someone dismissing your challenge isn’t nice. It’s invalidating. That’s why I won’t do that to you again. My goal is to help you get past this.
The pattern interrupt I put out there is designed to help move you out of this line of thinking just for a moment and then try on something else. That ‘something else’ is a reframe.
People reframe things all the time. i.e., “Why don’t you look at it this way?” or “Let me give you a different perspective.”
A bad reframe might be, “Why is this such a big deal? Just get over it. There are other things to worry about in life.” That’s not what I mean by reframing.
Here’s what I might consider to be a more productive reframe:
What if I told you that even if she stayed underemployed and made no changes for the rest of her life, your kids ended up being healthy, responsible teenagers and adults and grew up with a pretty good outlook on life? What if I knew for a fact your kids would turn out pretty okay, even though this situation won’t change?
I’m not saying that’s my solution for you. It’s just a reframe. Continuing that line of thought, your children, because they have a roof over their heads, because they’re being fed, and regardless of what she chooses to do with her life, might just turn out pretty darn cool, pretty darn okay, pretty darn healthy anyway.
If you say your ex is manipulative, your children will probably have to deal with that, too. It just depends on if your ex is the same with your children as they are with their partners.
But what if your children do grow up and figure life out? What if they are able to overcome the challenges we all go through throughout our lives, like relationship and career issues and such?
To me, that’s a pretty good reframe! I look at it as no matter how much I don’t like this situation with my ex, my kids still turned out okay. I’m sending money to my ex, and I think they’re blowing it on whatever they want. But if my kids are okay, should I really care that much? I mean, I know I’m sending all this money to somebody who is definitely taking advantage of it and forcing me to pay more, but if my kids are okay, can I be okay with all of this?
Here’s a second reframe: What if this situation changed, she became regularly employed, and your kids didn’t turn out okay? What if they had less of a motherly figure or mom at home, and something happened because of that? They felt neglected or worse. What if they feel like they don’t have the support they need because of something like that?
Now, that’s not going to get you off this hamster wheel of obsessive thinking, but I’m throwing in a couple of reframes for you to consider.
I’ve watched a lot of Judge Judy over the years. She’s been on TV for decades, and sometimes I listen to her show while I’m doing things around the house. I appreciate the psychology of the people on her show and enjoy figuring out who’s lying and who’s not. I also like learning about different aspects of the law that she teaches.
What I find especially interesting is Judge Judy’s experience in the family court system, where she worked for many years. Family matters frequently come up on her show, and her priority is always the children. When there’s a split family in court, with parents and in-laws on different sides, she recognizes that the children are going to suffer. The kids will be affected by the increased divide and separation, and they may worry about whether they’ll see their grandparents again.
Judge Judy often warns people that what they say in court can either create more distance between family members or potentially lead to working things out. I’ve listened to hundreds of family cases on her show, and whenever children are involved, her priority is maintaining some level of communication within the family. She knows that when communication breaks down, the children suffer – they might not get to see their grandparents, which is important to many families.
Sometimes, families bring petty issues to court, like suing over $500 owed for years. While that amount of money can be significant to some people, Judge Judy recognizes that when children are involved, the stakes are much higher. The kids might end up wondering if they’ll ever see certain family members again.
That’s where the judge really tries to make things right, although she can’t always succeed. Often, families never agree to disagree or mend their relationships, resulting in children losing contact with some relatives.
I’m not saying this to criticize the person who wrote to me. I’m explaining why I offered those reframes earlier. They can help reprioritize things in your mind, although they might not work for everyone.
If I were in a situation where I was obsessing about my ex having my children, not working or underworking, and I was spending a lot of money to support them, I’d try to reframe it by saying, “It’s not for her, it’s for my children.” That’s how I’d approach it. Even if she’s buying new cars or eating out frequently, I’d try not to think about that. Otherwise, I’d become obsessive.
Instead, I’d focus on the fact that I’m sending money to my children. They’re getting fed, they have a roof over their heads, they’re safe and warm, and they’re not out on the street. That’s what the money is being spent on. No matter what’s happening on the other side, as long as my children are taken care of, that’s what matters most.
Reframing our thoughts isn’t always a solution, but it can help us break free from obsessive thinking. If we don’t introduce new concepts into our minds, we risk staying on that obsession hamster wheel. So, if I were in your situation, that’s the direction I’d try to take my thoughts.
Another perspective to consider, though it may not be pleasant, is that this situation isn’t permanent. Let’s say your child is two years old. That means you’re looking at about 16 years until they’re 18. In the grand scheme of things, 16 years isn’t forever. I’ve lived through 16-year periods before and moved on from them. So whatever is happening now, it won’t last indefinitely.
It’s worth noting that if someone hasn’t worked for a long time, getting back into the workforce can be challenging. Your ex might find it difficult to transition into a job or career after relying on your financial support for years. That’s not your fault, of course. It’s just a situation that can be more difficult to resolve.
And I want to clarify something before continuing because someone may think I’m choosing sides: I know there are absolutely people who deserve financial help after a breakup or divorce. Some situations genuinely require financial support to raise children, even if the recipient isn’t working or is underemployed. I applaud those who are doing their best and truly need the assistance.
I don’t know the specifics of this letter writer’s situation – whether their ex genuinely needs the money or can’t work for some reason. I don’t want to invalidate or minimize anyone in a similar position to your ex, as there can be legitimate reasons for needing support. I’m basing my response on your message and assuming there isn’t a valid reason for your ex to remain “underemployed” other than perhaps to frustrate you.
However, I can’t confirm or deny if that’s actually her motivation. My main goal is to help you break free from obsessive thinking, as it can significantly hinder your progress in life. It takes away from our present experiences.
Self-Forgiveness?
While forgiving others is important, I’m more concerned about self-forgiveness, especially when obsessive thinking and regret are involved.
I talk about self-forgiveness in a very specific way, where you forgive yourself for who you were and the decisions you made in the past.
I like to say:
I forgive myself a break for who I was back then and the decisions I made.
Self-forgiveness is crucial because obsessive thinking often stems from regret. We create a repeating thought process in our brains, asking questions like, “Why didn’t I do this?” or “Why didn’t I recognize that they were trying to manipulate me?”
You need to reach a point where you tell yourself, “I forgive you.” I take it one step further by saying, “I forgive myself a break because I didn’t know then what I know now. I didn’t have the resources or all the facts that I have today. If I had, I would have made different decisions. But I didn’t, and that’s okay.”
If I were in your shoes, I’d say to myself, “Paul, I forgive you. It’s okay. Don’t worry. You were a different person back then. I’m not upset with you anymore. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. You got screwed. You made a bad decision, and here we are. So what? You made a bad decision. Move on. It’s okay.”
You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. Even if you try to argue with yourself, saying, “But I should have known,” the truth is, you didn’t. There’s nothing you can do about it now. What’s happened has happened. It’s in the past, and you have no choice but to move forward.
To move forward, you need to stop being angry with yourself. That’s why forgiving yourself for how you showed up back then, knowing you couldn’t have done anything differently because you weren’t the person you are now, is a step toward freedom from obsessive thinking.
Now that you are the person you are today, you might find it a bit too easy to develop regret for what you did or didn’t do or say back then. Sending thoughts of regret from your current thought processes into a past where you didn’t have the abilities and resources you have today is like causing self-inflicted emotional wounds that would never have been there otherwise.
The fact is that you’re going to make mistakes. You made them in the past, and you’ll make more going forward. That’s what happens when you don’t have all the data, resources, and ability to see all angles of every situation. Really, you don’t have all the information you need until you have it. It’s an unfortunate reality – and that’s why we make mistakes.
But now that you have all the information today, be okay with accepting that you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time.
I can look at my past self and say, “Hey, I forgive you. It’s okay. You messed up. Let’s move forward. Let’s make our life work because there’s nothing we can do about that past. It’s time to move ahead.”
There is some advantage to that “so what?” comment I made earlier. When intrusive thoughts come back, those two words can interrupt the thought patterns rolling around inside your head. If you find yourself thinking about how you should have handled things differently or how much you want things to change today, tell yourself, “So what? It happened. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Just move on.”
In my Healed Being program, a step-by-step program for people who want to change their emotionally abusive behavior, I teach a lesson called “Scold Yourself.” For those who’ve been hurtful to someone they’re supposed to care for and support and they’re trying to break those old patterns, scolding themselves can be an effective way to interrupt their own patterns and emotional triggers.
I used to do this to myself, saying things like, “Paul, why are you being such a jerk?” or “Why are you being so awful?” These self-scolding words helped to break my old patterns of hurtful and emotionally abusive behavior. They’re considered thought-stopping words in my inner dialogue to help me stop going back into my old patterns and obsessive thinking states.
I’m not saying you should do this to yourself. I’m just giving you an example of another type of pattern interrupt.
What hasn’t worked for me (and many others I’ve talked to) are positive affirmations. Positive affirmations tend to put me into a state of denial or resistance. When I say things like, “I am so smart” or “I am attractive,” or “I am worthy and lovable,” they don’t always help.
If positive affirmations aren’t working for you either, it’s time to change your approach. If they’re not filling your head with good thoughts and pushing out the bad ones, try something different.
That’s why I introduce concepts like “So What” or “Scold Yourself.” These won’t work for everyone, but my goal is to do what works. If scolding yourself or saying “So What” doesn’t feel good or cause you to stop negative thoughts, don’t do it.
Some people do find success in overriding negative thoughts with positive affirmations, but it doesn’t work for me. The negative thoughts never truly go away; they’re still there.
The way I see healing is to start by developing a rapport with yourself first, then meet yourself where you are. What that means is if you’re in a negative space, and your inner dialogue is saying everything’s going to be wonderful, you may not resonate with that.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a full proponent of positive affirmations if they work for you. But if they don’t, and you find negative emotions or thoughts are still present, then you know that the affirmations are not effective.
That’s why I prefer to meet myself where I am. If I’m upset about a past decision, I might say to myself, “Don’t be such a baby. Don’t be so upset with yourself. So what? You screwed up. Move on.”
It’s like having a supportive but assertive parent figure in your head, one who wants you to be happy and connects with you through tough love. This inner dialogue can be very helpful to some people in guiding them through difficult emotions and situations.
But I want you to go in the direction that works for you. That could be through positive affirmations or another approach. Or perhaps you need to meet yourself where you are and start there. That’s what builds rapport: Meeting someone where they are. You could try that. Ask yourself where you are (mad, sad, irritated, etc.), and then meet yourself there.
What that might look like:
If you’re angry at yourself, respond to yourself with anger: “Well, you should be angry. You screwed up. But there’s nothing we can do, so let’s move on.”
If you’re sad, respond to yourself in a sad way, “Hey, you’re really feeling down. I get it. I’d feel down, too. There’s nothing we can do about it now, so let’s just keep moving forward.”
This is just one tool in your bag that you could try. It might actually change obsessive thinking to being less obsessive. Or it might eliminate it altogether. The goal is to make progress and move on in any way possible.
What Fuels Obsessive Thinking
When we resist what we don’t want to be true, it typically amplifies what we’re thinking about. It amplifies the thoughts about what has happened, the decisions we’ve made, and the negativity we feel. Resistance to what ‘is’ (what will not change) amplifies how we feel about it.
The more we think about what we don’t want to exist, the more regret we can develop, or the more we will find ourselves wishing things were different.
Resistance to a thought amplifies that thought.
Resistance compounds obsessive thinking. It becomes fuel for obsessive thoughts, making them stronger and more invasive.
Examples of resistant thinking:
I wish it wasn’t this way.
I don’t want it to be this way.
Why didn’t I do something different?
Why do they have to be like that?
Why don’t they understand?
Why don’t they change?
These type of thoughts continuously fuels and refuels obsessive thinking, causing them to last indefinitely.
One thing I learned after stopping obsessive thinking in my life is practically spiritual. I learned that the less I resist the person, event, or whatever I’m upset about, the better results I get. In other words, the outcome I want has a better chance of happening if I don’t obsess about it.
Let’s say someone is really upset with their ex and is putting all this anger toward them. This anger is out there in the universe, and the ex is “receiving” all this negative energy.
This negative energy can come to them in different forms – in your inflection, text messages, emails, how you talk to them. It just comes out. And when negative energy comes out of you, other people feel it.
My perspective and real-world results have shown me that the more negative energy we put toward somebody or something, the more likely the problems between us (or my obsessive thinking about them) will never go away. Sometimes, if I keep putting it out there, the relationship and the thinking can get even worse.
In my days of obsessive thinking, I once asked myself, “Does my resistance and the negative energy I’m putting toward them have anything to do with how they show up in my life?”
This doesn’t mean that you are to blame for the bad stuff that has happened to you. But it does help to think that maybe, just maybe, your upset toward others might cause more of what you don’t want to continue. It’s like your resistance meets their resistance, which amplifies their beliefs, values, and stance.
When somebody feels resistance toward them (again, in the ways I describe above), and they already have firm values and beliefs, they’re more likely to defend their position and hold their ground than give a little, let alone a lot.
In my life, I’ve noticed the more I resist a person, the more they defend themselves and become stronger in who they are.
My personal belief is that the more you want somebody to be something other than who they are, the more they become the very person you don’t want them to be!
So, taking out that resistance toward them and pulling back that negative energy they sense when you’re talking with them or sending them a message can sometimes facilitate changes you don’t expect.
This may be too “out there” for you or others who read this, but the concept I described can create a different atmosphere between you and those you might harbor upset toward. And when the people you used to direct all that negative energy toward feel like they are now in a different atmosphere, they might actually consider changing themselves.
I’ve personally adopted this approach in my life. In fact, I remember this guy who did something against my family long ago, stealing some land from them. I was so angry and wanted to kick his butt.
But I decided there was nothing I could do. I had to accept it. I asked myself, “If I knew for a fact that there was nothing I could do about it (it was over thirty years ago) and that we would never get that land back no matter how hard I tried, what would I do then?”
That got me thinking… Do I keep throwing that negative energy toward him? Or should I move on, knowing it’s pointless to pursue so that he no longer occupies any more space in my brain?
I want pleasant thoughts, not negative ones. I knew the answer: I didn’t want him in my mind anymore. I want him out.
He didn’t disappear forever. But he did disappear from my daily thoughts. And that is the goal.
