How big a leap do you have to take to create real change in your life? Is every step a leap of faith that causes you to carry around fear and stress all the time?
Can you take baby steps to heal and grow into the person you want to be, creating the life you want?
I get emails from people all the time. Some are heartbreaking. Some are desperate. And when I read them, I feel this pull to help, to fix things, to make everything better for that person. But I’ve learned something important over the years: there’s a difference between wanting to help someone and needing to help them.
When you need to help, when you feel like you absolutely must step in and rescue someone, that’s when you have to pause and ask yourself what’s really going on. Are you helping because it’s genuinely the right thing to do, or are you helping because you can’t stand the discomfort of not helping? Are you doing it for them, or are you doing it to make yourself feel better?
This is something I’ve had to work through myself. For a long time, I was the person who would drop everything to help anyone who asked. I thought that’s what good people did. I thought that’s what made me valuable. But what I didn’t realize was that I was sacrificing my own needs, my own boundaries, my own well-being to please others. And that led me straight into burnout and resentment.
The People-Pleasing Trap
People-pleasing is one of those things that looks good on the surface. You’re helpful. You’re accommodating. You’re the person everyone can count on. But underneath all of that, there’s often a person who doesn’t know how to say no, who doesn’t feel worthy unless they’re doing something for someone else, who has lost touch with what they actually want because they’ve spent so long focusing on what everyone else wants.
I lived this way for years. I would say yes to things I didn’t want to do. I would take on responsibilities that weren’t mine. I would bend over backward to make sure everyone else was happy, even if it meant I was miserable. And the worst part? I thought this was normal. I thought this was just how relationships worked.
But here’s what happens when you live like that: you build up resentment. You start to feel angry at the people you’re helping, even though they didn’t necessarily ask you to sacrifice yourself. You feel exhausted all the time because you’re running on empty, giving and giving with nothing left for yourself. And eventually, you realize that the person you’ve been neglecting the most is you.
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. Being true to yourself isn’t mean. And saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. These are things I had to learn the hard way.
In the workplace, being a people pleaser can actually get you pretty far, at least initially. You’re the one who stays late. You’re the one who takes on extra projects. You’re the one who never complains. And for a while, that might get you noticed in a positive way.
But there’s a limit to how far that will take you. Because when you’re always saying yes, when you’re always accommodating, people start to see you as someone who won’t push back. They see you as someone who will just accept whatever is given to them. And that’s not the person who gets promoted. That’s not the person who gets respect.
I’ve seen this shift happen when people start embracing authenticity. When they start being honest about what they can and can’t do. When they start setting boundaries and standing up for themselves. Suddenly, they’re taken more seriously. Suddenly, they’re seen as leaders instead of followers. It’s counterintuitive, but it’s true.
John’s Story
I want to tell you about someone who reached out to me. I’ll call him John. John wrote to me during one of the darkest times in his life. He was facing the potential loss of his marriage and his business. Everything he had built, everything he thought was solid, was crumbling around him. And he felt completely lost.
In his email, John described the heavy emotional toll of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing which way to turn. He was drowning in his own life, and he didn’t know how to swim to shore. Reading his words, I could feel the weight he was carrying. It was the kind of weight that makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, the kind that makes you question everything about yourself.
But John kept writing to me. He sent updates. And slowly, I started to see small changes. Small victories. He was still struggling. His relationship was still in trouble. But something was shifting inside him. He was starting to take steps, even tiny ones, toward something different.
What struck me most about John’s journey was that he didn’t give up. Even when things looked hopeless, even when it seemed like nothing was changing, he kept moving forward. And that’s the thing about transformation. It doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in these small, almost imperceptible moments that eventually add up to something significant.
I’ve heard from so many people who have been in dark places. People who thought they would never be happy again. People who believed they were broken beyond repair. And I’ve watched many of them come out the other side.
Healing is possible. Happiness is attainable. Even after years of struggle, even after what feels like a lifetime of pain, change can happen. But it requires something from you. It requires you to believe that things can be different, even when you can’t see how. It requires you to take steps, even when you’re scared. It requires you to be willing to let go of what’s familiar, even if it’s painful, to make room for something better.
John’s story is a perfect example of this. After months of struggle, he started to see real progress. He got a new job. His relationship started to improve. He found himself in a healthier environment, surrounded by people who supported him instead of tearing him down. And all of this happened because he was willing to do the work, to face the uncomfortable truths, to make changes even when it was terrifying.
His story is a testament to resilience. It’s proof that you can rebuild your life, even when it feels like everything has fallen apart.
The Big, Scary Steps
Here’s something I’ve learned: small steps are important, but sometimes you need to take bigger steps to create real change. Sometimes you need to do something that scares you. Sometimes you need to challenge the beliefs that have been holding you back.
A lot of us stay stuck because we’re afraid of discomfort. We’re afraid of what might happen if we speak up, if we set a boundary, if we make a change. So we stay in situations that make us unhappy because at least they’re familiar. At least we know what to expect.
But growth doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. Change doesn’t happen when you’re playing it safe. If you want your life to be different, you have to be willing to do things differently. And that means embracing discomfort. That means taking risks. That means being willing to fail.
I’m not saying you should be reckless. I’m not saying you should make huge changes without thinking them through. But I am saying that if you wait until you feel completely ready, until you feel completely confident, you might be waiting forever.
Life has this natural rhythm to it. There are ups and downs. Good times and hard times. Moments of joy and moments of pain. And I think a lot of us get stuck trying to avoid the downs, trying to stay in the good times all the time. But that’s not how life works.
Most of life, if we’re being honest, is pretty neutral. It’s meeting basic needs. It’s going through the day. It’s not constantly amazing, but it’s also not constantly terrible. And I think there’s something valuable in recognizing that. In accepting that life doesn’t have to be extraordinary every single day for it to be worth living.
The problem is that we often carry the weight of past pain and future worries into the present moment. We’re not actually experiencing what’s happening right now because we’re too busy thinking about what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow.
The Present Moment
I want you to try something. Right now, wherever you are, take a moment to notice what’s actually happening. Not what you’re worried about. Not what you’re planning for. Just what’s actually happening in this moment.
Are you in physical danger right now? Probably not. Are your basic needs being met right now? Probably yes. So what’s actually wrong in this exact moment?
Most of the time, when we really examine the present moment, we realize that things are okay. Not perfect. Not amazing. But okay. The suffering we’re experiencing is often about the past or the future, not about what’s actually happening right now.
This doesn’t mean you ignore real problems. It doesn’t mean you don’t plan for the future or learn from the past. But it does mean you don’t let those things steal your present moment from you.
We all carry things from our past. Old hurts. Regrets. Resentments. And the longer we carry them, the heavier they get. They weigh us down. They color how we see the world. They affect our relationships, our decisions, and our ability to be happy.
I know how hard it is to let go. I know that sometimes it feels like if you let go of the pain, you’re somehow betraying yourself or the person who hurt you. But holding onto that pain doesn’t hurt them. It hurts you.
I’ve noticed this with depression. When I’m feeling depressed, the last thing I want to do is listen to uplifting music or engage in activities that might make me feel better. There’s this weird resistance to feeling good, like I’m more comfortable in the depression than I would be trying to climb out of it.
But that’s exactly when you need to push yourself to do those things. That’s when you need to put on the music that lifts your spirits, even if you don’t feel like it. That’s when you need to reach out to someone, even if you want to isolate. Because waiting until you feel like doing those things means you might never do them.
Here’s a hard truth: you have to take active steps in your life. You can’t just wait for things to happen to you. You can’t just hope that people will read your mind and give you what you need. You have to be direct. You have to be assertive. You have to communicate clearly.
I see this all the time in relationships. Someone is unhappy about something, but instead of saying it directly, they drop hints. They make passive comments. They expect the other person to figure it out. And then they get frustrated when nothing changes.
If you want something, ask for it. If something bothers you, say it. If you need something to change, communicate that clearly. Don’t make people guess. Don’t expect them to read between the lines.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say you want a raise at work. A passive approach would be working harder and hoping your boss notices. Dropping hints about how expensive things are. Complaining to coworkers about your salary. And then feeling resentful when nothing changes.
An active approach would be scheduling a meeting with your boss, presenting your case for why you deserve a raise, and asking for it directly. You might not get it. But at least you’ve taken control of the situation. At least you’ve advocated for yourself.
The same applies to relationships. If you’re unhappy about something, don’t just hope your partner figures it out. Don’t just drop hints and get upset when they don’t pick up on them. Have a direct conversation. Be clear about what you need.
Being passive keeps you stuck. It keeps you feeling powerless. It keeps you waiting for other people to change things for you. Being active puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life. It gives you power. It gives you agency.
Let’s Be Clear
Clear communication is one of the most valuable skills you can develop. In relationships, in work, in every area of your life, being able to express yourself clearly and directly will serve you well.
This doesn’t mean being harsh or aggressive. It doesn’t mean not caring about other people’s feelings. It means being honest. It means saying what you mean. It means not hiding behind vague language or expecting people to interpret your hints.
When you communicate clearly, you give people the information they need to respond appropriately. You give them a chance to meet your needs. You give yourself a chance to get what you want.
And when you take proactive steps in your life, when you make decisions instead of just letting life happen to you, you create a sense of empowerment. You start to feel like you have control over your life. You start to believe that you can create the life you want.
Moving Forward
John’s story, and the stories of so many others I’ve heard from, remind me that change is always possible. No matter how stuck you feel.
No matter how long you’ve been struggling.
No matter how hopeless things seem.
But change requires something from you.
It requires you to be willing to look at yourself honestly.
It requires you to set boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable.
It requires you to take active steps, even when you’re scared.
It requires you to let go of the past, even when it feels impossible.
You are powerful beyond measure. You have the ability to create the life you want.
But you have to be willing to take the steps.
You have to be willing to embrace discomfort.
You have to be willing to be authentic, even when it’s easier to people-please.
The weight you’re carrying doesn’t have to be permanent. The struggles you’re facing don’t have to define you.
You can put down the baggage.
You can take control.
You can create something different.
It starts with a choice. It starts with a step. It starts with you deciding that you’re absolutely worth it.
