There’s a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from always having to perform. Not performing in the theatrical sense, but performing in the sense of constantly managing how you show up for others.
It’s the smile you put on for customers even when you’re having the worst day. It’s the energy you project at work when you’d rather be anywhere else. It’s the version of yourself you present to the world while something completely different is happening inside.
Do this all day and you’ll probably want to crawl inside your shell when you get home.
This applies to everyone, from celebrities and musicians, to baristas and office workers, Really, anyone who feels like they need to perform a certain version of themselves constantly. The weight of that performance can become crushing.
Some people live their entire lives this way. They’re always “on.” And when you’re always on for others, you’re inevitably off for yourself.
I received an email from someone navigating a relationship with a musician. They were dealing with emotional abuse in the relationship, but their specific question was about whether people in the spotlight face unique challenges: “Do celebrities and musicians struggle more with relationships because they’re constantly receiving validation and praise from fans? Can a partner ever compete with that level of attention?”
It’s an interesting question because it touches on something broader than just fame. It’s about what happens when external validation becomes the primary source of feeling okay.
When More Freedom Reveals Who You Really Are
Here’s an opinion that might not be popular, but I think it’s true. When people gain more money, power, or fame, they don’t fundamentally change. They amplify what was already there.
Think about it this way. Some people get wealthy and become incredibly generous. They give to charities, support causes, help family members. Other people get wealthy and become miserly. They hoard every dollar, suspicious of anyone who might want something from them.
The money didn’t create those tendencies. It revealed them.
The same thing happens with fame. When someone becomes a celebrity, who they turn into is who was already inside them. The spotlight doesn’t create character. It exposes it.
Every person is a person, meaning we’re all made up of the same stuff. Most of us are emotional beings driven by our feelings. We get hurt, we feel joy, we react to what happens around us.
When circumstances change dramatically, whether through wealth, fame, marriage, or any major life shift, we face a choice. We can continue being who we’ve always been, or we can choose to become someone else.
But it always comes back to that internal compass. The moral and ethical foundation we were born with or developed growing up. That’s what determines which direction we go when we suddenly have more options.
I remember being completely broke. Zero dollars. My wife and I were going to soup kitchens, standing in line for expired food from charities. Our decisions during that time were completely different than after we got out of debt. Our perspective shifted. When you’re grateful for old bread and donated meals, you see the world one way. When you have options again, everything changes.
I made myself a promise during that time that I would never be poor again. Not because I was miserable, but because I wanted more options. I wanted to be able to share with family. I wanted the freedom to choose.
And that’s the thing about having more options. When you have them, who you are expands. It amplifies. The more money you have, the more of yourself shows up. The more fame, the more publicity, the more you amplify.
The Hidden Cost of Constant Attention
But here’s what people don’t always consider about celebrity. Yes, your life expands in some ways. You can afford anything. You can go anywhere. But in other ways, your life becomes incredibly limited.
Maybe you just want to go to the grocery store without being recognized. Maybe you want to have dinner with friends without people stopping by your table. Maybe you want to exist in public without constantly being watched, photographed, or approached for autographs.
The more popular you become, the harder those simple things are to do. You have to change your entire life. And whether that changes who you are depends on how you cope with those new problems.
I’ve worked with clients who were celebrities or high-profile people. They’re just human. They have the same relationship issues, the same family drama, the same struggles with anxiety and depression. The difference is the more popular you are, the more people get to watch it unfold.
A minor celebrity like me can walk around relatively unnoticed. If I want to keep to myself, no one cares. But a major celebrity might feel constantly pestered. Never left alone. Always performing, even when they desperately need to turn off.
This brings me back to the original question about musicians and validation. A lot of celebrities I’ve talked to or read about aren’t actually looking for validation and praise. They just want to be left alone.
But then there are people who haven’t reached that level of recognition yet. They’re still seeking it. And if they feel empty inside, that external validation becomes everything. It fills a void. As long as the attention continues, they don’t have to look at what’s actually going on inside them.
The Danger of Never Turning Off
When someone feels empty inside and they’re constantly seeking external validation, whether they’re a celebrity or not, they’re avoiding something. That external stimulation becomes a distraction from internal work they haven’t done.
As long as the validation keeps coming, they can tell themselves everything is fine. They have success, money, attention. Why would they be unhappy? They have everything they need.
This applies to all of us, not just famous people. We can convince ourselves we shouldn’t feel sad or upset because we have so much. We should feel grateful. We should be appreciative.
But gratitude exercises don’t address unprocessed pain. You can write down three things you’re grateful for every day, and it might feel good temporarily. But if you still have unresolved negativity inside, that happiness will be fleeting.
Unprocessed negativity is an obstacle to natural happiness.
When you actually address what feels bad inside you, when you reflect on it and process it and heal from it, gratitude comes naturally. You don’t have to force it.
This is why some of the most outwardly happy people sometimes surprise everyone by falling apart. The comedian who seems so joyful commits suicide. The energetic personality who made everyone laugh was secretly depressed.
When you’re always “on,” always focused on making others happy, always showing the world this energized version of yourself, you’re dismissing what’s happening inside. You’re bypassing it.
And when you bypass that internal work, those unprocessed thoughts and feelings can amplify. Old trauma, neglect, abuse you haven’t healed from, it all festers in the background. If it’s never addressed, never expressed, never healed, it grows.
The more you’re on for others, the more you’re off for yourself. The more helpful you are toward others but not toward yourself, the more compassionate you are for others but not for yourself, the more disconnected you become from your own needs.
This is why some people desperately want isolation. They don’t want to turn on for others anymore. They want to turn on for themselves. They want to feel grounded. They want to connect with who they actually are.
Focus on Specific Behaviors, Not the Whole Person
So how does this relate to relationships with people who need constant validation?
The answer is to always deal with specific behaviors, not the overall person. This is crucial in any relationship, but especially when you’re dealing with someone who might be emotionally abusive.
When something happens that makes you feel bad, identify the specific behavior. Sometimes that’s easy. If someone calls you a name or insults you directly, you can point to exactly what hurt. Other times, people are more subtle. They’re tricky about it.
When you can’t pinpoint the exact behavior, go with how you feel. It’s okay to say, “When you said that, I felt devalued. I’m not sure exactly what you said or how you said it, but this is how I feel.”
In a healthy relationship, the other person responds with care. They say something like, “I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to feel that way at all. What did I say? I don’t want to say that again.”
Someone who cares about you wants to understand. They want to fix it. They don’t want to hurt you.
But a toxic or emotionally abusive person responds differently. They might say, “That’s just how I am. That’s too bad.” Or, “You’re reading it wrong. You’re too sensitive. You don’t get me at all.”
That response invalidates you. Instead of listening to what you’re saying, they make it your problem, not theirs. They’re more concerned with being right or not appearing weak than they are with your feelings.
Now, defensiveness doesn’t always mean someone doesn’t care. Some people get defensive because they have triggers. They might take your feedback the wrong way, thinking you’re attacking them. You might need to clarify that you’re not attacking, you’re just addressing something specific that hurt.
But if someone consistently responds with defensiveness, if they never take responsibility, if they always make you feel like you’re the problem, that tells you something important about the health of your relationship.
This is how you determine if someone who needs constant external validation can actually be in a healthy relationship with you. You address specific behaviors. You see how they respond. You learn whether they’re capable of caring about your feelings or if they’re too focused on protecting their ego.
When Your Parent Is the Source of Pain
The second email I received was from someone I’ll call Samantha. She lives with her narcissistic mother and can’t leave right now. Her question was about how to stop looking for validation from her mom or expecting her to be the mother she doesn’t have.
Samantha said she doesn’t feel like she’s looking for validation, but her sister believes she is. She’s working on boundaries, saying no, trying not to take things personally. But her mother constantly accuses her of things that aren’t true, like stealing money or not being home enough. Her mother projects issues from her own failed relationship onto Samantha.
Samantha has been working on herself for four years, trying to recover from her mother’s abuse. But she can’t seem to let it go. She said if she could pack up her family and move, she would, but she honestly questions whether her mother would be safe.
That last part is important. If Samantha is staying because she worries her mother wouldn’t be safe, her mother has her exactly where she wants her.
This is part of the manipulation. Narcissistic people and emotional abusers will absolutely use your compassion and empathy against you. They’ll make you feel guilty so you’ll stay. They’ll make you believe they need you so you won’t leave.
If Samantha’s mother has threatened to hurt herself or implied she would, that needs to be taken seriously. But taking it seriously doesn’t mean Samantha has to sacrifice her own wellbeing. It means calling for professional help, not becoming a hostage to someone else’s threats.
Samantha’s mother is an adult. She can make her own decisions. If Samantha makes her decisions based on fear of her mother’s choices, she’ll never make decisions for herself and her family.
She’ll take all her energy, attention, focus, love, and support away from the people who actually matter. Her mother might matter to her, but if her mother is truly narcissistic, she won’t change. Diagnosable narcissists typically stay narcissistic.
If Samantha is looking for something different from her mother, she’ll never see it. And this is crucial to understand. Because she’ll never see anything but toxic or selfish behavior, she has to learn to accept that’s all she’ll ever see.
If she’s constantly hoping for kindness, respect, care, or support, she’ll disappoint herself over and over again. That hope takes focus away from where it needs to be, which is on herself and the people she loves most.
Accepting What Will Never Change
Samantha said she’s honoring boundaries and not taking things personally. But she is taking things personally. She wants her mother to show up differently so she’ll feel more worthy, more lovable.
She is worthy and lovable. She is more important than her mother treats her. But she can’t use her mother as the source of her worth.
Her sister says she’s constantly looking for validation. What does that mean? Is she looking for something that isn’t there in her mother? Is she trying to prove she’s lovable to someone who can’t show healthy love?
If she’s looking for validation from a toxic source, she’ll be constantly invalidated. She’ll be constantly disappointed.
When her mother accuses her of things that aren’t true, instead of thinking, “I wish she would stop doing that. I wish she were different. I wish she would see the truth,” Samantha needs to think, “Of course she would say this. This is what she does. I don’t expect anything less.”
Anytime you have thoughts like “I wish they would see this” or “I wish they would see the truth” about a narcissist, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You’re lengthening your own suffering.
Acceptance means accepting that they will never show up in a way that makes you feel good. They’re not that type of person. They’re not going to suddenly change after all these years.
Before walking into the room, Samantha needs to tell herself, “She’s going to say something hurtful. That’s who she is.” Not, “I hope she doesn’t say something hurtful this time.”
As soon as she hopes for something different, she’s looking for something that will never exist.
This is where self-parenting comes in. Samantha needs to be her own healthy mother. She needs to tell herself, “I love you. You’re worthy. You’re lovable.” She needs to parent herself the way a healthy mother would.
What happens inside her mother is not loving, caring, or supportive. So Samantha needs to step out of her mother’s reality, because that reality is toxic. She steps out by saying, “Of course, that’s who she is. This is what I expect.”
Personally, I would walk into the room and say, “Hey Mom, do you have any questions about anything stolen? Any thoughts about me being out late? Let’s just get it out in the open now.”
I don’t fear conflict. I’d rather take the wind out of their sails than let them hold power over me. I don’t want them coming up with something that puts me down. I’d rather address it head-on so I keep my power.
But that’s me. The important thing is not to lose your power to anyone, especially someone who’s been toxic your entire life.
And most importantly, don’t use someone else’s potential unsafety as your excuse to stay in a toxic situation. If you truly believe they’d be unsafe, do everything you can to make them safe. But you don’t have to be the one to do that.
You should be treated with kindness and respect. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone else’s toxicity just because you’re afraid of what they might do.
Focus on your own healing. Focus on the people who actually reciprocate your love and support. That’s where your energy belongs.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
