Are the beliefs and values that guide your life and relationships truly serving you? There are many myths that, if we don’t question them, might be holding us back from happiness and fulfillment.
Throughout my teenage years and well into my 30s, I carried certain beliefs with me. Some were instilled by family, others I picked up along the way. I thought these philosophies would guide me toward a good life, but as I grew older and hopefully wiser, I realized not everything I believed was actually true.
We all carry beliefs that shape how we see the world and make decisions. The problem is, some of these beliefs don’t serve us. They can actually work against us, keeping us stressed, overwhelmed, and stuck in patterns that don’t make us happy.
When we never question what we believe, we keep doing what we’ve always done and getting what we’ve always gotten. If those results aren’t working for you, you might stay in the same place for the rest of your life.
That’s why I want to talk about eight common myths about life and relationships. These are beliefs I used to hold that I’ve since reconsidered. You might already know some of this, or maybe you need to hear it. Either way, these are lessons from my own experience, not universal truths carved in stone. Take what serves you and leave the rest.
Myth One: No One Can Make You Feel Anything
This is controversial, but I believe some people absolutely can make you feel certain emotions. When someone says, “No one can make you feel sad; you’re choosing to feel sad,” they’re technically right that there’s a thought process happening inside you. But some people are so skilled with their words and influence that they can trigger those thoughts in ways that feel anything but voluntary.
Think about someone who knows exactly how to make you feel guilty. They might say something like, “Why aren’t you taking care of your kids instead of watching TV?” even when you’ve been caring for your kids all day and just sat down for ten minutes. They’re instilling doubt, planting new values, and making you question yourself. If you’re in a disempowered state, they can manipulate those internal processes so effectively that yes, they are making you feel how they want you to feel.
This is especially true when someone wants to keep you disempowered so they can maintain control over you. Your history, your self-worth, and your level of self-trust can all be influenced in ways that lead you to feel bad about yourself. It happens very unconsciously, buried deep in your psyche. Some people take advantage of that, and that’s them making you feel something on purpose.
I’m not saying you have no agency in your emotions. I’m saying that in certain dynamics, especially with people who are manipulative or emotionally abusive, the line between your choice and their influence becomes extremely blurred.
Myth Two: You Have to Forgive to Heal
This might fly in the face of many people’s beliefs, but I don’t think you have to forgive everyone. Some people have done things so terrible that they don’t deserve forgiveness. What I do believe is that all forgiveness is really self-forgiveness.
When something bad happens, and we look back at how we showed up, we often blame ourselves. “I should have done this. I should have known better.” We hold onto that self-blame, and that’s what keeps us stuck.
Before you even consider forgiving someone else, you need to forgive yourself. Give yourself a break for how you showed up back then. You didn’t know what you didn’t know until you knew it. You didn’t have the resources you have now.
If you’re carrying anger or hurt toward yourself, thinking you could have done something differently, let it go. You would have made a different decision if you’d known better, but you didn’t. That’s not your fault. It’s just where you were at the time. You made the best decision with the resources available to you then.
As for forgiving other people, that’s where I diverge from conventional wisdom. If someone has done something unforgivable to me or someone I love, I don’t feel obligated to forgive them. What I can do is forgive myself for how I showed up, put my energy toward the people who were hurt, and let that person go. I become apathetic toward them. I disconnect.
Some people think unforgiveness keeps you tethered to the person who hurt you, but I can disconnect without forgiving. I can move on and put my energy where it belongs without having to absolve someone of their actions.
If forgiving makes you feel like you’re letting them get away with it, and that anger stays with you, then forgiveness isn’t serving you. Find another way to disconnect that feels right for you.
Myth Three: You’ll Never Find Anyone Better or You’ll End Up Alone
I’ve believed this myth every single time a relationship ended. After my divorce, I was convinced that was it. That was the person I was supposed to spend my life with, and now I’d be unhappy and alone forever. I thought something must be wrong with me if I couldn’t make marriage work, which meant no one else would want me.
That belief was paralyzing until I did something different. After my divorce, I chose to be single and work on myself.
That changed everything. During that time, I got a chance to reflect on who I was without another person in my life. I dealt with and healed from my fear of abandonment, my fear of being alone, and my fear of rejection.
Those fears had made me controlling, jealous, and possessive in relationships, which pushed people away. I didn’t know I was creating that environment. I thought I had to do whatever it took to make people stay because if they left, I’d be miserable forever. Once I healed those patterns, the type of people who came into my life changed. The relationships I formed were different.
When you work on yourself, when you address your dysfunctions and insecurities, you naturally attract different people and make different choices about who to keep in your life.
Sometimes we dismiss people who could actually make us happy because they don’t fit our predetermined idea of the perfect match. My mom is a great example of this. After 40 years in an abusive relationship, she decided she wanted to be alone. Then she met someone almost 30 years younger at the dump where she dropped off her trash. He approached her for coffee, and even though it seemed completely incompatible, she said yes. They’ve been inseparable ever since, and he treats her better than anyone ever has.
When my mom was about to be kicked out of her rental home with only 30 days’ notice, this man she’d just met offered her a place to stay. Some people had their suspicions about his intentions for the relationship (after all, he’s about my age!), but I’ve seen how he adores her. He makes her coffee every morning and genuinely wants her to be happy. After everything she went through, she deserves that.
The point is, you never know who might come into your life or when. Sometimes you have to say yes to things you wouldn’t normally consider. Sometimes you have to heal yourself first, so you’re ready when the right person appears. And sometimes you have to accept that the person who makes you happiest might look nothing like what you expected.
Myth Four: Toxic People Will Change If You Love Them Enough
The more you care about a toxic person, love them, dote on them, and accommodate them, the more you’re actually feeding their toxicity, not changing it. You might even be amplifying it. People are who they are until they decide to change or until something happens that’s so consequential they realize they have to change.
Toxic people need to experience real accountability. They need something significant enough to make them think, “If I don’t change, I’m always going to get these bad results.” Some people realize this, some don’t.
My stepfather stayed toxic for 40 years with a wife who hated him. He wasn’t happy either, but he created that mess and never believed he was in the wrong. He thought everyone else needed to accommodate and change for him.
When we try to love toxic people more, we’re actually reinforcing their behavior. We’re showing them that their toxicity doesn’t have consequences because we’re still there. They think, “Well, they’re still in my life, so I guess I can’t be that bad.”
Some people need to know their behaviors are unacceptable, and sometimes that means showing them consequences. Maybe that’s separating for a while, sleeping in another room, or even leaving entirely. The point is, loving someone more doesn’t fix toxicity. Accountability does.
Myth Five: Everyone Deserves a Second Chance
No, not everyone deserves a second chance. Some people have done things that are simply unforgivable, and you don’t have to give them another opportunity to hurt you. That doesn’t mean they can’t earn their way back into your life, if that’s what you want, but that’s different from automatically giving them a second chance.
When someone lies to me, for example, I put them in a different category in my mind. They become “the person who lies,” and that’s where they stay. The relationship changes. I’m careful not to develop further closeness with them. They’re not getting a second chance in the traditional sense, but if they came to me and said, “I feel terrible about lying to you. I did it because I was afraid of the consequences, and I’m working on that.” I’d see that as a step forward. That’s someone taking accountability and showing genuine change.
The difference between a second chance and a new start is important. A second chance implies you’re giving in and hoping things work out, even though you’re not fully over what happened. A new start means there’s been actual change. You’re in a new place inside yourself and ready to move forward with something different.
With infidelity, for instance, some relationships can actually become stronger after the affair if both people are willing to work on whatever led to it in the first place. But that’s not about giving a second chance. That’s about both people doing the hard work of healing and creating something new.
Myth Six: Blood Is Thicker Than Water
Family doesn’t automatically get priority in your life, especially if they’re toxic. Yes, we typically do more for family and are more forgiving of them, but some family members aren’t worth the emotional cost of keeping them close.
My stepfather was family, but I wasn’t going to be there for him after all the hurt he caused people I love. Those other people took priority. When he went away, my life got better. I let him go without hate. I forgave myself for how I showed up around him and became apathetic toward him. If he ever showed up in my life again, I would have honored myself and made sure he didn’t negatively affect the people I cared about.
Blood being thicker than water actually means it’s harder to get away from certain people because you’re all connected and related. If you have an instilled belief that family is forever and certain family members are making your life miserable, ask yourself what life would look like without them.
I used to make decisions based on how certain people would react instead of what I actually wanted. That kept me unhappy. When I learned about personal boundaries and started making decisions from a place of power instead of fear, toxic people started disappearing from my life. I started asking myself, “What would I do if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?” That’s when I found my power.
True family are the ones who love and support you most.
If someone doesn’t love and support you, they might be related to you, but they’re not family in the way that matters.
Myth Seven: Someone’s Past Isn’t a Good Enough Reason to Mistreat You Today
This is for people who have so much compassion for someone who’s suffered that they’re willing to suffer themselves. They believe the person hurting them can’t help it because of how they were conditioned or treated when they were younger.
Yes, people who’ve been hurt deserve compassion. But it should never override your own happiness and should never justify your suffering. You don’t deserve to be treated the way they were treated. In fact, you can be the role model by not allowing them to hurt you the way they were hurt.
The cycle of hurtful, traumatic, abusive behavior has to stop somewhere. Sometimes we are the ones who have to make it stop, not by fixing or healing them, but by protecting ourselves. Bad behavior needs consequences, or it never ends.
People who really love and support you want you to be happy and safe. If someone is hurting you, that’s not love, no matter what they went through. They may believe they love you, but their version of love is dysfunctional and hurtful. They need to learn that treating someone that way isn’t acceptable, and sometimes you teach that by showing them their behavior has consequences.
Myth Eight: You Should Always Explain Your Decisions to Those Who Don’t Understand
Actually, this isn’t a myth I’m debunking. I wanted to include it because it’s important. You’re an adult now, and there comes a point where you’ll make decisions other people won’t agree with. That’s okay, you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone.
Some people will give you a hard time about your choices. They’ll ask why you’re doing something or tell you that you shouldn’t. It’s okay to simply say, “Because I want to,” or “That’s my decision.” You don’t owe everyone an explanation for how you live your life.
I love talking with my mom because we can get into a conversation, and I can tell her, “All right, Mom, I’m going to go.” And she’ll say, “Okay.” That’s it. No explanation required. It makes life so much easier when you don’t have to explain yourself to people.
As an adult, you have every right to do things for your own reasons. And when somebody has a problem with those reasons, all you have to do is say, “That’s my decision. I’m choosing to make it.”
There are times when an explanation makes sense. If my wife said, “I’m leaving for a month,” I’d definitely want to know what’s going on! But if you told your parents, “I’m going to quit my job,” and they asked why, you don’t have to explain your actions unless you want to. You don’t have to give them a reason.
I’m mainly talking to those who might have controlling or toxic parents who criticize. Sometimes explaining your reasons to someone like that makes things worse because they will just want to be right while making sure you know you’re wrong.
And it’s true: Some people will know more and better than you. But you still get to learn about life and decision-making your own way. You might make an important life choice and find out that the choice you made was a mistake later on. That’s life! And, especially, making bad decisions is how you learn to make better ones.
My life improved when I stopped believing I had to explain my decisions to other people. I was always happy to give my reasons to people who supported me. But to those who simply want to control me or make my life difficult? I choose to confidently tell them, “I have my reasons.”
The people who really love and support you, even when they don’t agree with your choices, may not like what you’re doing, but they will respect that you’re making the decision that feels right for you. That’s what true friends and family look like to me.
So there you have it, the 8 myths that shaped my life for years. Letting them go has made me happier, more empowered, and more at peace.
Question the beliefs you carry. Ask yourself if they’re serving you or holding you back. You have the power to choose what you believe and how you live. Make sure those choices are leading you toward the life you actually want.