If you can’t ever seem to win an argument with a certain person in your life, or you feel like you can never get closure on an issue because that person keeps turning it back on you, this article will give you some tools to use next time you feel like you’re losing your power.
This article stems from an email I received about someone’s relationship with a narcissist.
Narcissism is a complex mix of behaviors that can be incredibly elusive, often slipping under our emotional radar. When we’re dealing with a narcissist, we sense that something isn’t right, but we’re unable to defend ourselves or make the other person understand our perspective. It’s as if our thoughts hit a wall—they just can’t break through because the other person always seems to have a more logical or rational response, leaving us struggling to find the right words.
We find ourselves stuck in these situations, and there are individuals who excel at this. Some people you just can’t argue with; they refuse to see both sides and are only focused on maintaining control, ensuring they come out on top while you’re left feeling defeated.
This could indicate a narcissistic tendency, although it might not necessarily be narcissism. To me, this is a form of emotional abuse—when someone’s actions make you feel bad, particularly about yourself. They’ve mastered the use of language to keep you in place. Encountering someone like this can make it incredibly difficult to express your side of the story.
For instance, consider a conversation about finances where you argue that you can afford a necessary purchase because you’ve recently bought something extravagant. The other person might counter by saying it’s not about the money but rather about you always trying to make them feel guilty about their purchases. This is a classic redirect—instead of addressing the topic, they shift the focus to something they believe they can win an argument on.
I’ve been in these types of discussions, where I get emotionally triggered by the new topic they introduce, and suddenly, we’re debating that instead of the original, more straightforward issue. It’s a tactic used by those who don’t want to lose an argument, so they manipulate the conversation to their advantage.
It’s important to be aware of this when conversing with anyone. Watch for those moments when the conversation is steered away from the original subject—this could be a sign that you’re dealing with someone adept at manipulating discussions to come out on top.
Having this tool in your arsenal is vital when you find yourself at a loss for words during a conversation. You might know exactly what you want to say, but the other person twists your words, leading to a sense of craziness or even gaslighting. These behaviors can make you feel invalidated and as though you’ll never be able to present your side or “win” the argument.
Winning might not even be your goal—you may simply want a reasonable, rational discussion. However, when the other person redirects the conversation, you’re suddenly trapped, focusing on the new topic they’ve introduced. Take the example I used earlier: if I, playing the role of the manipulator, bring up a sensitive issue like money and extravagant spending, I’m intentionally pressing a hot button or triggering an emotional response from you. This tactic forces you to become defensive, distracting you from the original issue.
When you can detach from the emotional aspects and concentrate on the facts, you begin to see these patterns. It’s challenging, especially when the person using these tactics is someone you have an emotional connection with—someone you believe knows and loves you. They may not be fully aware of the damage their tactics are inflicting on the relationship, or they may be fully conscious of their actions. Some people use these strategies to maintain control and comfort in their lives.
We all know individuals who, in their quest for security, keep their defenses perpetually raised. Their coping strategy is to shift the conversation, ensuring they come out on top. Using my previous example, if you defended yourself against my manipulative comment, I would likely shift the argument again, perhaps by saying, “You’re just like your mother.”
This is another diversion, taking us even further from the original topic. If this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s a common occurrence in arguments. The conversation morphs multiple times until it’s no longer about the initial, trivial issue. It escalates because the person doesn’t want to be wrong, or they have another reason for avoiding the topic, so they change the subject in a way that triggers you.
When triggered, your natural response is to defend yourself because you don’t want to be perceived as the person they’re portraying you to be. It’s instinctual to want to defend your character.
One morning, I found myself reacting to something my girlfriend said. My immediate thought was, “I don’t want her to think I am that person,” and I expressed my concern that she was lumping me with others who don’t care.
It dawned on me that I was projecting, and we weren’t making a genuine connection. The conversation escalated, but I managed to refocus and try to understand where she was coming from. It was challenging for her to see my perspective, but she made the effort. We both worked to reconnect with the original intent of our dialogue and aimed to keep the discussion on track.
Staying on topic is often difficult. It’s tempting to introduce another subject as a means of bolstering one’s argument, which can weaken the other person’s stance. This tactic is not exclusive to personal relationships; it’s also prevalent in politics.
Without naming individuals, it’s evident that those with a mastery of language and the ability to manipulate outcomes generally emerge victorious. The other person may become perplexed, feeling the real issue has been diverted. The conversation can morph into something entirely different, leaving no sense of closure for the one who wanted to make their point.
That email I mentioned really made me reflect on how common this issue is. We often enter discussions with the belief that the other person is reasonable and rational enough to navigate emotionally charged topics. We assume we can work through it; otherwise, what’s the point of the conversation?
We seek closure when we bring up something emotionally charged. That closure might be the hope that the other person will finally admit they’re wrong or simply the need to unburden ourselves.
We typically raise issues because we’re looking for closure; otherwise, we wouldn’t bother. But there comes a time when closure isn’t critical, when the topic isn’t significant enough to warrant discussion. You become comfortable enough in your own skin that it doesn’t matter whether the other person agrees with you or not.
Reaching a point where you realize a subject isn’t worth discussing, especially with someone likely to twist the conversation, is liberating. Opting to take the high road and deeming the issue too trivial to raise with that person is a wise choice.
Discussing emotionally charged topics is necessary when seeking closure, but it’s not something you can do with everyone. It’s only possible with open-minded, caring individuals who are genuinely concerned about your well-being. Attempting to have these discussions with someone known for their cunning use of language and manipulation is akin to digging your own grave. You need to choose your battles wisely. Is it worth discussing this issue with this person, knowing the likely outcome?
In some situations, you might feel compelled to address the issue regardless. What do you do when the conversation starts to veer off course? In a moment, I’ll read a snippet from the email I received and share some strategies for handling scenarios like this.
Getting rid of built-up emotions is no small feat. It might indeed be impossible with certain people, particularly those who lack the capacity for open-mindedness. As I’ve mentioned, it’s crucial to pick your battles wisely. Assess whether it’s worth engaging in a conversation with a particular person. This naturally leads to the larger question: is it worth being around such a person at all?
While the focus of this article isn’t on whether you should stay with or leave someone who exhibits these traits, it’s about learning not to suppress your emotions. I want to equip you with what to say in the moment to make it a bit more challenging for them to manipulate you and assert dominance. I also want to help you maintain your power against those who seek to overpower you, particularly in conversations and arguments where you might find yourself losing ground.
Does this ever happen to you in conversations or arguments with someone in your life? Maybe you know someone who is controlling, dominant, or deceitful?
Those are the type of people who like to redirect the conversation, putting you on the defensive and shifting the focus away from themselves. They’re avoiding being caught or shirking responsibility. They don’t want to take the blame or admit fault, and they’ll do anything to escape the spotlight and turn it on you instead.
For instance, you ask, “Where were you last night?” and they counter with, “You always question my whereabouts. Don’t you trust me?”
Suddenly, the conversation is about you and your trust issues, not about their actions. If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself defending against accusations of nagging instead of addressing the original query. They’re hoping to press your buttons, to shift the responsibility onto you, which is an unfair and frustrating position to be in when all you’re seeking is closure.
Many people have shared with me their experiences of trying to discuss an issue only to have it turned back on them. The conversation veers off into anger and other topics, and they never get closure on the original issue.
This is the hallmark of someone who is dominating, controlling, and manipulative. Such individuals have honed these behaviors over many years, often from a very young age, making it exceedingly difficult to have a straightforward conversation with them.
This issue isn’t confined to personal relationships; it can arise with colleagues, acquaintances, or even strangers in the grocery store. We need to arm ourselves with the tools and resources to handle such interactions without surrendering our power. That’s the essence of what I’m talking about in this article: keeping your power in the conversation.
Bring It Back
Let’s address the question at hand. It’s important to keep steering the conversation back to the original topic. Some people make this difficult, but it’s crucial to remember the mantra: bring it back.
Keep that phrase in your mind, repeating it as a reminder to stay on track.
I’m not asking you to admit fault; rather, I’m presenting you with an opportunity to explain yourself, to shine. This approach is about priming them for the response you’re seeking.
You want the truth, you want to stay on topic, and this framing can be incredibly helpful. It signals to them that you’re not trying to accuse them of anything. Instead, you’re offering them a chance to clarify things. Of course, they might not be truthful and say something like, “Oh, I was working late,” which you hope isn’t a lie.
Let’s talk about those individuals who might not be as forthcoming. By telling them you’re giving them an opportunity to shine, you’re trying to prevent the conversation from being turned back on you, keeping you out of a defensive state.
Once you’re on the defensive, you’re emotionally triggered, and the conversation can veer off course, leaving you without the answers or resolution you were seeking. So, remember that mantra: bring it back, bring it back… Keep it in your mind to avoid getting sidetracked.
When the other person becomes agitated and attempts to deflect, you can tell them, “When you try to change the subject like that, it makes you look guilty.” This makes them aware that you’re observant and not easily misled. It’s another chance for them to clear things up and present themselves in a better light.
If they try to turn the situation back on you, you can ask, “Why do you only bring that up when I’m asking for an explanation about something you did?”
Yes, it’s confrontational, but sometimes confrontation is necessary. It might not always be the right approach, but keep it in mind for the times you see an opening. This question highlights a pattern of deflecting and avoiding responsibility, and it’s important to bring the focus back to the issue at hand.
When they try to deflect and put you on the defense to shift the focus off themselves, it’s important to recognize the tactic for what it is. You can say, “I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to put me on the defense, so you’ll be out of the spotlight.”
Acknowledging their strategy diminishes its power, like taking the magic out of the magician or the manipulation out of the manipulator. By calling them out, you make it harder for them to reach into their bag of tricks and pull another one over on you.
This is particularly useful when the conversation heats up, and you find it impossible to have a normal discussion or to keep them on topic. If you’re dealing with someone who resorts to this behavior, they might try to emotionally trigger you by saying things like, “You’re always nagging me. If you really cared about me, you’d stop getting on my case all the time.”
Your natural inclination is to defend yourself, but that’s when you need to remember the mantra: bring it back, bring it back. You’re going to be triggered, but you must stay focused.
The Yes, Now Response
Consider the Tai Chi approach I’ve mentioned in my show. In Tai Chi, when a punch or kick comes at you, instead of blocking it, you allow the energy to continue forward. This can cause the person throwing it to lose balance and expend energy. You turn to the side, letting the punch go past, and then pull their arm along so they continue forward, ideally causing them to fall. The principle is to let their energy continue rather than repelling it.
This concept can be applied to the energy flow of a conversation. If they say something accusatory, instead of stopping the energy with a “that’s not true,” which can escalate the argument, try using a “yes, now” response.
For instance, if they say, “You’re always nagging me,” you respond with, “Yes, now let’s talk about you being late, and then we can address my nagging.”
This “yes, now” framework helps maintain the energy flow, allowing them to feel validated without necessarily agreeing with their statement.
By saying, “Yes, you’re right, I have been nagging you,” you’re validating them and then swiftly transitioning to the “now” part of the response, “Now let’s talk about where you were last night.” This reduces resistance and keeps the conversation on track.
Remember, the goal isn’t to confirm the truth of their accusations but to keep the conversation moving forward. By not putting up a wall, you avoid igniting their flame and devolving into an argument. When you offer the least resistance, you maintain control of the conversation, ensuring that you don’t lose power and get thrown under the bus, which can lead to a whole new subject and prevent closure on the original issue.
Embrace the “yes, now” response. Whether it’s “Yes, this is true,” “Yes, this may be true,” or “Yes, you’re probably right,” follow it with “Now let’s talk about the subject at hand.”
This is a game. And while they may not be consciously playing one, you have to see it as such to create a strategy. In one episode, I talked about the difference between the human response, which is emotionally charged and defensive, and the strategic response, which is calculated based on the desired outcome.
Choose the strategic path to navigate these tricky conversations effectively.
Determining your desired outcome is crucial, and that requires balancing the human response with the strategic response. The human response is emotional and reactive, akin to a dramatic game, while the strategic response is methodical, like a chess game where you plan your moves carefully.
I can assure you that a manipulative person has been fine-tuning their strategy for a long time. It’s second nature to them. Without your own plan or strategy, you’re at risk of being overwhelmed, your energy drained, and your power diminished. You’ll feel lost in any conversation with them.
To maintain your power, you need to keep your emotional triggers in check. It’s essential to ensure that when you are triggered, you don’t let that trigger seep into the conversation.
It’s incredibly challenging, especially if you’re not accustomed to playing this kind of game. Moreover, I’m going to guess that because you’re reading this article, you’re likely a compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, caring, loving, and supportive person. So, when you’re in a conversation with someone who may not share all those qualities, it can be startling to see how often you get thrown under the bus while they dominate the conversation and make you feel bad.
This dynamic is often at the heart of emotional abuse, which I dive into at loveandabuse.com. However, even individuals who are not intentionally emotionally abusive might still avoid taking responsibility, admitting fault, or acknowledging blame. They might redirect the conversation to focus on you or an external factor.
“It’s not my fault; it’s the government,” or “It’s not me; it’s my mom,” or “It’s nothing I did; it’s my boss.” They eliminate personal responsibility from the equation.
My aim in this article is to try and help them recognize their personal responsibility. It’s not necessarily your job to do so, but if you find yourself dealing with these people and they’re putting you on the defense when it’s their actions they need to own up to, then you’ve got to retain your power.
You must bring the conversation back to the point and make them feel validated and heard so that you can maintain control of yourself. You can’t control them, but you can stay in control of your reactions and avoid being emotionally triggered, which is the most difficult part.
Triggers are nearly unavoidable; the key is not to introduce them into the conversation, especially with the person who is provoking them. Once they see you’re emotionally triggered, they’ll exploit it.
Containing that trigger is a mental game. You have to remind yourself that you need a strategic response. You must refocus on the subject at hand and not let your emotions take over, no matter how much you want to scream, cry, or yell. You have to be more strategic because the person you’re dealing with is already playing strategically.
That’s often the only way to reach some form of closure in the conversation. And remember, there are many people with whom you will never find closure. You cannot “win” an argument with them, nor will you get the answers you’re seeking.
There are those who, when you express that their words hurt you, simply won’t care. They lack empathy, and you need to be cautious around them. They will not show up the way you want, and you’re unlikely to ever win an argument or find closure with them.
Indeed, it’s important to reach a level of acceptance about who someone is. You might not be able to get past their strategies. They’re too adept, much like a seasoned salesperson. And it’s not that there’s anything inherently wrong with salespeople, but some of them are trained to handle objections expertly. They’re well-versed in dealing with rejection.
When faced with a “no,” a skilled salesperson knows how to respond. If they took every rejection personally, they would crumble, go broke, and be unable to sustain themselves.
So when a salesperson pitches a $90,000 sports car to a parent of three, who balks at the price, the skilled salesperson doesn’t just accept the objection. Instead, they empathize, saying, “I completely understand. With a family, you have to be mindful of your budget.”
This validates the prospect, making them feel heard and understood. Then, the salesperson might pivot, painting a picture of how good the parent would feel driving that sports car to work, garnering admiration from others. They’re not just stopping at the objection. Instead, they’re redirecting the energy, engaging in ‘yes, now’ framing, and potentially convincing the prospect to make the purchase, thereby incurring a new debt. Of course, the hope is that most salespeople operate ethically.
The point here is that learning to handle objections is a valuable skill in any relationship.
Let’s talk about “priming,” for instance. Priming is all about preparing someone for the response you want. If you ask someone abruptly, “Where were you last night?” there’s no priming involved. You’re not setting the stage for them to respond in a particular way, and it can put them on the defensive.
To avoid this, you need to anticipate their response based on past behavior in similar situations. You want to create a “buffer statement” —a way to prime the person.
Here’s how it might look: If I were to ask you where you were last night, knowing you typically respond defensively, I might preface my question with:
“I know you’re going to get mad when I ask this, but I need to know for my peace of mind.”
This buffer statement softens the blow and acknowledges your typical reaction, which in turn makes you self-conscious about reacting that way again.
People don’t like to be predictable, especially if it paints them in a negative light. By highlighting their usual response, they may be inclined to react differently, avoiding the behavior you’ve called out.
This approach doesn’t guarantee the truth, but it does open the door for a more rational and reasonable conversation. A buffer statement like, “I know you might get mad,” shines a light on their potential reaction.
Alternatively, you could say something like, “I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging,” if that’s a typical counter-argument they use. This kind of preemptive acknowledgment can pave the way for a more productive dialogue.
Using a buffer statement can indeed disarm the other person’s defensiveness. By saying, “I know this is going to sound like I’m nagging,” you’re effectively squashing the energy behind their potential defensiveness.
This technique involves priming them for the response you desire by spotlighting the reaction you anticipate, which in turn may lead them to react differently.
This concept is quite profound, but the essence is simple: consider how the other person will respond when you broach a subject.
For example, if you’re about to ask, “Where were you last night?” and you expect anger, your buffer statement might be, “I know you’re going to get angry when I ask this, but for my peace of mind, please tell me where you were.”
It’s important to note that this won’t work with highly narcissistic individuals, those who don’t care about you, or compulsive liars. The strategies discussed are meant to facilitate communication with people who probably have some level of care for you and who may be relying on old tactics, possibly without even realizing it. Many are aware of what they’re doing, though. And they will redirect and put the spotlight on you to take the focus off of them.
The Conversation Dominator
It can be hard to exit a conversation with someone who wants to dominate it, not letting you get a word in edgewise. The most effective method I’ve found is to become the dominator yourself. It’s challenging, especially if it’s not in your nature, but if you’re trapped in a conversation with someone who’s incessantly talking about their experiences, you need to interject.
You might say, “Oh, that reminds me of when I was 12 and we snuck into the movie theater…”
As you take over the conversation, you create an opportunity to lead yourself out of it. You can then wrap up your anecdote with, “And we were all laughing, but I’ve got to go now.”
This is a little trick for those times when you’re stuck with someone who just won’t let you get a word in. It’s not directly related to this article’s main topic, but it’s a useful tactic to have up your sleeve. Sometimes, you need to step in and control the conversation to make your exit. Dominating individuals understand this approach, and when they see a reflection of their own behavior, they’re less likely to be phased than someone not accustomed to such tactics.
Indeed, sometimes you might find yourself adopting the very behaviors you wish to escape from just to break free from someone else. It’s an aside, but it’s relevant, especially when we talk about controlling or dominating interactions.
It can be tough to maintain your power in a conversation if the other person doesn’t drop their usual tactics. In such cases, you might need to employ their strategies against them. If this advice doesn’t resonate, feel free to disregard it.
Your Emotional Triggers
When you’re with someone whose comments or behaviors trigger you, a whirlwind of emotions can ensue—anger, hurt, betrayal, and more. These emotions are challenging to shake off, especially when you’re dealing with a liar whose lies are transparent to you. Despite knowing the truth, you desperately want them to be honest.
Sometimes, the issue isn’t that the other person is a liar; maybe they’re just defensive. You recognize their defensiveness, but all you want is a straightforward conversation. This leads to a build-up of emotions, which, while triggered by them, actually reside within you. It reflects a level of acceptance you haven’t reached regarding the kind of person they are or the repetitive nature of their behavior. You yearn for change, for harmony, and you keep expecting different behavior from them, but it never materializes.
The lack of change leads to disappointment, unmet expectations, and crushed hopes. It feels like a personal battle, a resistance to accepting their true nature. This struggle can make you feel powerless, as if you have no choice but to suppress these negative emotions.
This inner conflict is all about you wrestling with your own expectations and the disappointment that follows when they aren’t met. You’re left feeling let down because the person didn’t change, or you’re angry that they’ve reverted to the same old behavior. This signifies a profound lack of acceptance—that this is who they are, and that’s unlikely to change.
However, it’s not to say that they can’t change or learn, but without accepting who they are in the present, you end up fighting against yourself. The cycle of hoping, pondering, wondering, speculating, and contemplating keeps you mired in negativity. You’re caught in a loop of hoping for change, imagining what it would be like, questioning if it’s possible, and contemplating the potential for transformation. Yet, it never comes to fruition.
All this leads to a continuous state of disappointment and sadness, which you end up repressing and staying in a negative space. By holding on to the hope for change, you might cling to it far longer than you should, preventing you from seeing the reality before you. You see it, but acceptance is hard because it means acknowledging that your choices haven’t worked out as hoped.
Indeed, there comes a time when you may need to confront the possibility that you’re not genuinely happy or satisfied in a relationship. You might even feel foolish, as if you’ve been duped. This internal struggle is something you need to overcome.
To escape this negative emotional space, you must reach a point of acceptance. You need to look at the person and acknowledge, “Ah, that’s who they are.”
You need to realize you can’t get past their behavior. Sure, they may change someday, but today is not that day. So the next time you converse with them, expect that they’ll be the same as they’ve always been.
That’s how to avoid feeling disappointed when it comes to your expectations of that person’s behavior: You accept that they won’t change. You accept that no matter what you say, their response will be consistent. What does this do? It places the responsibility for your happiness squarely on your shoulders, which is exactly where it belongs.
That sounds defeating, I realize. But waiting for someone to change can be an endless game. By letting go and understanding that their actions are about them, not you, you tell yourself to stop depending on someone else’s change for your happiness.
You want to break free from that relentless cycle, that hamster wheel of thoughts, because perpetual waiting means perpetual unhappiness. While this isn’t the sole key to happiness, it’s undoubtedly a significant step toward it.
Accepting someone’s behavior as it is, and as it will likely always be, liberates you from resistance, inner conflict, and the futile anticipation of something that will probably never come to pass.
Accepting this can feel like a tremendous loss, sometimes necessitating a period of mourning for what you hoped would be but isn’t.
The beauty lies in the aftermath of grieving. Once you’ve accepted that the person won’t change, if they do eventually recognize their hurtful, deceptive, or manipulative actions and decide to change, you’ll be more than ready to embrace whatever new relationship forms, whether you’re together or not, whether you’re interacting or not. You’ll be in a new space within yourself, healed from the turmoil that kept you trapped in that vicious cycle.
Healing is crucial, and sometimes, the quickest route to healing is through accepting that things will never change. It’s challenging because we naturally desire change. However, if you accept that a person won’t change, you’ll stop waiting for them to do so, which means you must start making decisions for yourself.
Change is constant; it’s always happening. It’s just that some individuals get stuck and unwilling to change. Don’t be one of those people. If you’re stuck in a cycle of disappointment with continually unmet expectations, perhaps it’s time to shift your perspective and adjust your expectations to align with what others can genuinely offer.
Everything changes; it’s just that people, including you, can halt the necessary change for progress. When you encounter such individuals, consider whether you’re flowing with change or stuck in a pattern. Once you break free from that loop, you’ll find yourself in a much better place.
Reaching a place of acceptance that a person or situation won’t change allows you to heal because you undergo the grieving process. It’s tough, but you move through the stages of grief and then healing. As long as you’re consistently working on yourself, you’ll get there. And once you’re on the other side, you’ll notice changes and realize how much better life can be. You’ll be better equipped to handle further changes, or in the case of people who don’t change, you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to stay while they remain the same.
Some relationships can be tough, but having the tools to work through sticky and sometimes very difficult situations might give you the edge you need to start turning the relation-“ship” in a new direction.
