Learning that your adult child suffered child sexual abuse

What is the right thing to do or say when your adult child tells you about their sexual abuse?

In this episode, I read an email from a mom who recently learned that her adult daughter was abused by another child when she was young. I bring my partner, Asha, an advocate for the prevention and healing of child sexual abuse, into the conversation for an honest, heartfelt discussion and guidance for the mom.

Today, we’re addressing a sensitive and crucial subject: child sexual abuse. My partner, Asha, is not only a survivor of childhood sexual abuse but has since become a staunch advocate for prevention and healing. She leads a project known as The Fiona Project, which supports charities and provides resources for survivors.

In this episode, we’ll be reflecting on a recent email I received. A listener discovered that her adult daughter had been sexually abused as a child by another child—a neighbor. This is a complex and often uncomfortable topic, but it’s essential for those who have experienced such trauma, know someone who has, or are parents themselves.

Please note if you typically listen to the show with children around, we will be using adult language to discuss content that may prompt questions from young listeners. It’s important to consider the appropriate age to educate your children about safety, the potential dangers of strangers, and recognizing harmful behavior—even from those who appear kind and caring. This episode will cover those discussions, so it might be best to listen privately if you’re not ready to have those conversations with your children yet. However, it is undoubtedly beneficial to be informed for their sake and your own.

I believe this episode is particularly valuable. My co-host Asha and I recorded a conversation to respond to the email I’m about to read you, offering our perspectives and advice, and to generally shed light on the importance of being vigilant when it comes to the safety of children. It’s a hard truth to acknowledge that there are individuals with harmful intentions, even in seemingly safe environments.

It’s crucial to stay informed and aware. Even if you watch over your child constantly, it’s beneficial to understand that dangers can arise in unexpected ways. Keeping this knowledge in mind allows you to take additional precautions whenever you sense even the slightest doubt about your child’s safety.

This episode is for anyone dealing with the aftermath of child sexual abuse, whether it’s part of their past, they have children of their own, or they simply want to be informed. Asha brings a wealth of knowledge and personal experience to the conversation, offering insights into both the healing process and prevention strategies.

Here’s my conversation with Asha:

Paul:

Thank you for joining me, Asha.

Asha:

Thank you for having me.

Paul: I’m about to read an email to you, and I know you’re completely unprepared for its content. I should have perhaps given you a heads-up, but we’re just going to dive in. I’ll omit any sensitive details to keep the writer anonymous. This listener wrote in, saying they’ve recently started enjoying the podcast and are seeking genuine, unfiltered advice.

Ashs is known for giving just that.

Asha:

Yes, I am.

Paul:

The listener writes, “I want your raw, authentic advice. I’ll keep this brief and leave the heavy drama for my therapist, who I’ve left behind. I’m a woman in my fifties, married for over thirty years, with two adult children.

“I was molested by my stepfather as a child and have undergone extensive therapy, read many self-help books, and strive to live in the present rather than dwell on the past—or worse, see myself as a victim. Despite my history, I consider myself fortunate in many ways.

“Six years ago, my daughter revealed she was molested at seven by our twelve-year-old neighbor. The most harrowing aspect is that my son, who was eleven, was present and coerced her into staying, threatening to humiliate her.

“This revelation has upended our lives, a nightmare for my daughter, myself, and our family. I’m plagued by guilt, wondering where I was and how I missed the signs. When I confronted my son, he denied everything, which is consistent with his narcissistic tendencies.

“My daughter is incredible—kind-hearted, a wonderful person, and has also been in therapy. She recently expressed to me that she never wants children, fearing that she and I are cursed and wanting to break the cycle of abuse.”

I can see you’re eager to respond, Asha. I’m nearly finished.

She goes on to say, “I told her to be upfront with her boyfriend about not wanting kids and to not let the past dictate her life. Otherwise, the abusers win. We must take risks. Her reply broke my heart: ‘What if I have an animal like this, like your son, Mom?’ So my heart breaks for her. What are your thoughts on this? I’m forever grateful for your advice.”

Asha:

That’s a lot to take in. There’s so much pain and complexity in that email. Clearly, the mother is deeply committed to her healing journey, which is the best thing she can do for herself and her family, including her daughter and son. It seems she’s taking the right steps and saying the right things.

We do have choices, and we can’t let our power be taken away. It’s not uncommon, especially with boys, to engage in such acts while understanding the damage they’re causing, given their age and hormonal changes. The daughter, understandably, sees her brother as a monster—he was older, larger, and wielded power and manipulation over her. Yet, they were both children.

The situation is complicated by the fact that he refuses to acknowledge his actions. It’s possible he doesn’t remember because it wasn’t significant to him, or he might remember but will never admit it.

There’s so much to unpack here, and it’s clear that without the son’s participation, we’re missing a crucial perspective. We simply can’t know what’s going on in the mind of the son, the primary offender in this case.

From my experience in support rooms for family members of addicts and alcoholics, I’ve learned that the skills you acquire there are incredibly relevant to dealing with abuse, whether you’re on the receiving end or connected to someone who is.

Focusing solely on the wrongdoings of the abuser, however, removes you from your own circle of power. It impedes your ability to process and respond effectively. It may seem counterintuitive, but this isn’t about taking ownership of their actions—it’s about reclaiming your own innocence, vulnerability, and power in the healing process.

Let’s consider the mother’s perspective. She’s tormented by not having known about the abuse by not being there to protect her daughter. Yet, from what she’s written, it’s clear she’s dedicated to her healing journey.

It’s a tragic reality that many parents who were victims themselves, find that their children also become victims, often completely unbeknownst to them. This happens because, just like us, children don’t tell; they hide it out of shame, embarrassment, and manipulation.

The brother knew the power of shame when he threatened to tell everyone, ensuring the little girl’s silence. The mother isn’t a mind reader; she can’t know everything that’s happening. And let’s face it, most of us lack the training and skills to understand what might be going on with our children and when to ask the right questions.

Children are complex; they experience a myriad of emotions, reactions, and moods that can change with the seasons. The best and only thing a parent can do is to build the best possible relationship with their children—be open, communicate at their level, and pay attention. Ask them questions like, “Hey, you seem out of sorts. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

But remember, this isn’t a reactive measure; it’s an ongoing process that starts when they are as young as two years old. We haven’t been taught how to engage our children in conversations about their bodies and sex.

The recommended age for these talks is eight because that’s when external influences start to play a larger role in their lives. By then, children should know the correct anatomical names of their body parts so they can communicate clearly if they need to.

My friend, who’s familiar with my story and my program, couldn’t bring herself to talk to her kids about sex at that age. She struggles to reconcile it in her mind.

But the thing is, it’s only taboo if we make it so. It’s crucial to engage with our children more at this age, to make sure they know their body parts by their correct names, and to create an environment where they feel comfortable to share.

With my own son, we’d discuss what he learned in health class with humor. We’d make jokes and laugh. And through that laughter, we’d have real conversations on his level. This approach kept the dialogue open without making it scary, taboo, or suppressed.

Reaching the age of 50, as I have, brings a certain perspective, especially when reflecting on a childhood within a fundamentalist Christian family where discussions on personal matters were non-existent. My mother, in particular, offered no guidance on bodily functions when I was 11, 12, or 13, which left me ill-prepared to educate my own son. I can only assume that the email writer might be in a similar predicament, wrestling with her own issues while lacking the tools to effectively communicate with her children.

The mother in question has done nothing wrong; she operated with the best information and resources she had at the time. It’s important that she doesn’t carry guilt for what she couldn’t have possibly known. She’s been working on herself, a sign of her dedication and commitment to doing the best she could. Now, we must confront the repercussions. We’re aware of the situation, and the daughter is navigating her own, yet different, struggles because it involved a child, not an adult.

We’re faced with a complex scenario involving two children. The 12-year-old’s knowledge of what transpired raises questions—perhaps the neighbor’s child, who might be a bully or even a victim himself, influenced him. There are countless extenuating circumstances we can’t possibly understand without deep, vulnerable conversations with all involved. The benefits of such discussions are uncertain, as everyone processes in their own time.

Regarding the daughter, it’s important to stress that my words are not meant to be against her. She’s entitled to her own feelings and the process of working through them. Her view of her brother is her prerogative, and whether she chooses to forgive him is entirely up to her. We must consider the emotional toll her stance may take on her.

I’m not advocating for a particular kind of relationship between them; this is her journey, her process, her choices. As an adult, she must weigh her feelings and choices against their impact on her personal life.

It’s heartbreaking to see that she has concluded her brother is a monster, a situation she believes was beyond anyone’s control, leading her to question the possibility of having children of her own. There’s a multitude of emotions wrapped up in this. I concur with the mother’s approach to life decisions—separate the desire to have children from the fear of potential risks, then proceed with informed plans and support.

Lastly, the importance of open communication with children from an early age cannot be overstated. Teaching them the correct terms for their body parts is crucial—it’s not a ‘pocketbook’ or ‘hoo hoo,’ but a penis or a vagina. This equips them with the language to articulate their experiences clearly and healthily. As awareness spreads and education improves, we can hope for a continued decrease in child abuse and a better-equipped future generation.

Utilizing euphemisms can inadvertently convey the message that such topics are off-limits or taboo. While the full implications might not be immediately clear to them, over time, these implications accumulate.

Paul:

I’d like to add a point. The writer mentioned her daughter’s fear of having a ‘monster’ like her mom did. When we’re children, our awareness of our actions is limited. From my understanding, a child operates on a more instinctual level, akin to animal instincts.

And you raised an important question: where did this child learn such behaviors and threats?

With all due respect to both the daughter and the mother, would your perception of her brother, or even the neighbor, change if you knew they were also victims of abuse?

I’m not trying to absolve anyone of responsibility. There’s definitely responsibility involved. However, it’s often the case that those who have been hurt end up hurting others. This doesn’t excuse the actions, but it does offer a different perspective on a child’s behavior, which is influenced by what they’ve been taught, what they’ve absorbed from their own experiences of abuse, and what they’ve learned from their parents.

At 11 or 12 years old, a child is still trying to make sense of all this new information. With hormones beginning to surge and curiosity peaking—especially if they’ve discovered that certain actions feel rewarding—it’s a complex time.

Asha:

Regarding the letter, the sister mentioned that the brother was present and coerced her into being present as well. This suggests to me that there’s something seriously wrong in the friend’s life, and the brother might have been influenced by this friend. It could be a desire to be accepted or to avoid becoming a victim himself.

We’re speculating, but clearly, there’s a trickle-down effect of power dynamics at play. It’s a precarious situation. At 12 years old, my compassion extends to these children because something isn’t right. At that age, they’re learning about such matters, and peer pressure or other influences could be factors.

I’m reluctant to say this because I don’t want it to seem as though I’m against the sister, but is the brother truly a monster with the intent to harm? Or was he a domineering young boy, influenced by his age, his peers, and a lack of understanding of his actions?

Many young people fail to recognize the harm they’re causing; they might dismiss complaints as overreactions, rationalizing their behavior because it feels good or because they’ve been told it should.

As you mentioned, they’re acting on instinct, not yet equipped with the understanding of civility or social cues, trying to navigate their own survival. We can’t fully grasp what’s happening in their minds.

My hesitation in offering any support for the other two children stems from the fact that you simply cannot tell the sister that her brother isn’t a monster. The moment you do, her feelings are invalidated.

This is an incredibly complex situation for the mother, who, despite not having addressed it, seems to be on good terms with the daughter. Somehow, she’s managed to navigate this without it escalating into a scenario where the sister holds her accountable for not denouncing the brother.

The words ‘accountability’ and ‘monster’ carry weight, and there’s a clear difference in perspective between the mother and the daughter. It’s not that the mother lacks support for her daughter; rather, she sees the situation through a different lens.

We’re not talking about an 18-year-old abusing a child, but one child abusing another, all without the necessary tools to handle such a situation. They’ve been thrust into a difficult circumstance, one that’s tough to overcome with any measure of success beyond picking up the pieces later on.

In summary, it seems that both the mother and daughter are doing their utmost. The mother must acknowledge her daughter’s feelings and support her, particularly if she’s certain about not wanting children. That’s a distinct choice.

And it’s true, as she mentioned, risks are everywhere—it could be a brother, a neighbor, a priest, or a teacher. Anyone can be a perpetrator. If the daughter ever contemplates having children or fears she might regret not having them, she needs to consider if she can live with the decision she makes now. Will she regret it in the future?

If she might have wanted children, setting aside this traumatic experience, she has access to many resources now that could help with her own children and contribute to her healing.

It’s a difficult process, but by engaging in it, she could foster a new generation of openness and support. Supporting children without judgment or dismissal when they speak of uncomfortable truths is challenging, but also an opportunity. If she desired children, aside from this experience that has skewed her perspective, she could use it as a chance to educate and empower future generations.

Paul:

And it’s possible to have a child who becomes the greatest joy of your life. Yes, there’s always a risk, as she said. But in supporting the daughter’s experience, it’s crucial for her to acknowledge and express the horror she faced.

Asha:

Absolutely, that’s precisely it.

Paul:

When she’s ready to articulate it, to say, “He was a monstrous abuser. He tortured me. He caused me pain,” she must be allowed that expression. The mother needs the strength to accept these truths about her son and support her daughter, who has endured and is likely still enduring a great deal of suffering.

Asha:

Clearly, she is.

Paul:

She’s grappling with physical, mental, and emotional pain, and it seems she’s still processing it all. I believe that once she’s processed and healed from these experiences, it may no longer be about fearing cursed offspring or fearing birthing a monster.

Asha:

I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. I believe it will always influence her because she’ll be extremely vigilant, which is acceptable. It’s fine to be cautious.

Paul:

In terms of her initial desire to have children, yes.

Asha:

Exactly, exactly. The aim is to ensure her decision is based on choice, not a reaction stemming from fear or the sense of having something taken from her.

Paul:

Precisely.

Asha:

That she might have genuinely wanted at some level.

Paul:

In closing, I’d like to offer some thoughts on actions the mother and daughter can take, or at least what the mother can do for her daughter. Earlier, you touched on the importance of simply listening—allowing the daughter to express herself, be it with judgment or anger, and just being herself with all the emotions that surface. The mother should accept everything the daughter communicates with a nonjudgmental, attentive ear.

Being present for her is crucial because the negativity that’s carried around can feel trapped in the body. Without expression, it can resurface in harmful and unhealthy ways. By expressing these negative feelings, it’s like opening a pressure release valve, gradually releasing the pent-up emotions. Therapy and support groups are also beneficial.

Asha:

Definitely, it’s incredibly helpful to hear others’ experiences—not necessarily the details, but understanding their struggles. For many parents, the age when their own trauma began can trigger further processing in adulthood if they haven’t fully dealt with their past. So, the mother and daughter have a lot to navigate together.

Paul:

So, when her child reaches a certain age, the mother is triggered?

Asha:

Yes, exactly. Either the mother or the father.

Paul:

So, if the daughter has a child who turns 11, that’s when the memories might resurface?

Asha:

No, she was seven.

Paul:

Right, right.

Asha:

Yes, or if she had a son, she might become increasingly watchful as he grows older. I know this is a bit of a tangent, but it’s crucial to maintain the bond between the mother and daughter.

In my view, the daughter must be allowed to see her brother as a monster because that is her experience. That’s her reality. And while I often like to consider the other side, suggesting that maybe the brother was abused too is a very slippery slope, and I wouldn’t recommend that approach. The daughter needs to reach a place where she’s in control of her feelings and choices.

Paul:

Not just yet.

Asha:

Right, there will be a time for that, perhaps after more support groups and healing. But for now, the daughter must own her power and emotions. It’s a delicate balance, and I wouldn’t suggest initiating a conversation to defend the brother until the sister herself opens that door. Any attempt to do so could damage their relationship.

And you don’t have to make false statements. Personally, I can’t hide my feelings well, so I have to speak truths that I believe in. In a situation like this, it’s about expressing sorrow for her experience and regret for not being more prepared. It’s about understanding her feelings and apologizing sincerely.

Beyond that, there’s no need to agree that the brother is a monster, especially if you don’t believe it. Stick to what you can say with integrity and authenticity. The victim will sense if you’re not being genuine, and they’ll feel re-victimized if you try to defend their abuser.

Paul:

Absolutely, the process of healing and coming to terms with the past needs to happen. It’s worth considering that the son, too, might have been a victim. The mother described her son as a narcissist, and while that could be the case, we have to ask ourselves about the origins of such behavior. Could it have stemmed from some form of abuse, maybe from a neighbor or a family member?

It raises the question of how the mother should approach her son. Perhaps she could express regret for not being there if he experienced any trauma as a child. The narcissism might be a defense mechanism to avoid confronting deep-seated pain. While our focus is on the daughter’s suffering, we can’t ignore that the mother has another child who was involved in the act. This isn’t about someone outside the family; this is her son.

Asha:

We don’t have all the details.

Paul:

The son was involved, and that’s where the term ‘monster’ comes into play. It’s important for the mother to keep an open mind when dealing with her son, considering the possibility that he, too, was abused or affected by the abuse. Acknowledging this could change the dynamic of their relationship. She might not see him as a monster. This perspective is not for the daughter’s benefit but for the mother’s understanding.

Asha:

Yes, and there’s another aspect to consider. The victimized child often feels betrayed if they perceive the mother is taking sides. The mother’s acknowledgment and belief in the daughter’s story are crucial.

The tragedy extends to the son as well. If the son has children, ensuring that they are educated about child sexual abuse and how to protect themselves is paramount. This will be challenging, but it’s necessary. We only know what the daughter has disclosed, and it’s a complex issue without clear-cut answers.

What’s most important is believing a victim who comes forward, offering support, and showing compassion. Helping them to recognize their power to act on their feelings and choices, rather than simply reacting, is essential.

Paul:

I believe the most crucial aspect of support is recognizing that sometimes, the best way to help is to simply allow the survivor to express their feelings about their experiences. They need that safe space to voice thoughts and emotions they may have suppressed in the past due to fear of repercussions or harm to loved ones.

When they find someone they can trust, it’s important to listen with an open heart and let them speak their truth, no matter how painful it might be to hear. Even if they express anger or resentment, such as saying, “Mom, I hate you for not being there,” it’s essential to let them voice these feelings. This can be a pivotal moment in initiating the healing process for both parties.

Asha:

I agree. It’s imperative to approach these situations without any agenda. The only ‘agenda’ should be to remain honest, vulnerable, truthful, and supportive in a way that aligns with integrity and authenticity. Pushing any other agenda can break trust.

It’s also important to accept that the survivor may never forgive their abuser, and that’s okay. Forgiveness is complex and personal, and it’s not always the end goal. What matters is that survivors reclaim their power, and it doesn’t continue to negatively impact their lives.

They must be allowed to process their experiences in their own time and way, such as crying or screaming, to nurture their inner child and grieve. Just like domestic violence programs advise against telling someone to leave their abuser, we shouldn’t pressure survivors to forgive or feel compassion before they’re ready. They need to come to terms with their experiences at their own pace.

Paul:

What do you mean by that?

Asha:

I mean that individuals know when the time is right for them, and they understand their situation better than anyone else. This insight is especially relevant for child sexual abuse survivors.

When you empower someone to make their own choices, you demonstrate faith in their ability to know what they need for their healing journey. It’s about empowering them to listen to their inner wisdom, regardless of how they initially react.

This isn’t about controlling, persuading, or manipulating them in any way, nor is it about informing or educating them. It’s about respecting their ability to recognize their own truth and heal on their own timeline. By doing this, we give them the space they need and the personal accountability to own their process, feelings, and well-being.

Healing comes from understanding that our well-being isn’t in the hands of others or a result of someone else’s actions or inactions. The real truth is that we each have the power to heal ourselves.

Paul:

All the elements of self-empowerment are also powerful components of healing. When you’re able to fully take in your experiences, own them, make them real, process them—that’s when your healing begins.

And just to offer some final thoughts on forgiveness, I’ve talked about it in a few episodes. My perspective, which is likely shared by many, is that forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s often about something within ourselves. Even when we’re wronged, deep down, we might feel there’s something we could have done differently.

That’s where the need for self-forgiveness steps in. It’s about forgiving ourselves for how we reacted, for the choices we made in those moments. This isn’t about blaming the victim; it’s about covering all bases.

Reflecting on my own life, when I’ve been wronged, instead of harboring anger, approaching it from a place of self-forgiveness allows me to examine my own actions and find areas where I might have done better.

We often tell ourselves, “I should have done this differently,” or “I shouldn’t have been there.” These are the things we need to forgive ourselves for so we can move forward. Holding on to the notion that we need to forgive the other person can be burdensome.

Asha:

Right, and when we talk about forgiveness, it’s never really about the person or their actions. You don’t forgive the bad action itself.

Paul:

But that’s what we’re often told.

Asha:

Yes, but that’s all external. It’s not for them because it’s not about them. It might affect them positively on some level, but ultimately, it’s for you.

And I agree with you—most of the time, when you work on forgiveness, there’s an element of self-resentment. I’ve never seen resentment where the person didn’t feel angry at themselves on some level, maybe for not standing up or speaking out for themselves. This is often the case, and it ties into forgiveness.

My exercises for forgiveness are similar to yours. It boils down to asking, “Is there anything I wish I would have done differently?” It’s not about fault or blame, especially not when you’re the victim. You’re not to blame. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a hidden sentiment of, “If only I had run away,” or “If only I had told someone.” That’s self-blame, which is often not conscious.

Paul:

But it feels like self-blame.

Asha:

It does, but when you’re in it, you’re not thinking of it as blame; you’re feeling it as anger toward the perpetrator. That’s why it’s helpful to ask in a gentle, non-accusatory way, “Is there anything I wish I had done differently?” or “Is there anything I wish I had known then that I know now?”

This gentle framing supports the child within. As an adult, you can look back with compassion for your younger self. When I do this, I might think, “I wish I had told my mom,” and that can be emotional. But that’s how you start to heal. By imagining that child and feeling compassion for their inability to speak up, you begin the healing process.

Paul:

That’s a wonderful note to end on. Thank you for your insights. I’d also like to direct people to your tools and resources page for more support.

Asha:

Absolutely, yes. For survivors, their families, and particularly parents of survivors, I’ve created a resource called Help for Survivors, which you can find at helpforsurvivors.org. This website is packed with information, including articles, empowering playlists, legal resources, and support groups specifically recommended for family members and parents.

I urge any parent to join a support group. Connect with others in similar situations. There’s no need to be a lone pioneer, carving a path through uncharted territory. I grew up in the woods, so believe me, it’s better to not go it alone.

With the support of others, especially those who might be a few steps ahead, the journey can be faster, easier, and more fulfilling. All of these resources are available at helpforsurvivors.org.

Additionally, for those expecting grandchildren, children, or if you know someone who is, visit thefionaproject.org. Although it’s a music and arts movement, it provides clear, concise information on prevention. There, you’ll find what to teach kids – the signs and symptoms to watch for. All the important things we’re not typically taught but need to know.

Paul:

That could be a whole separate conversation. But before we wrap up, you keep bringing up points that spark more thoughts. It reminds me of our time in the apartment. I remember you mentioned once how every morning, we could hear a baby crying, wailing, as the mother took it to daycare. You wondered what was happening at that daycare to make the child so upset. We didn’t talk about abuse or sexual abuse then, but…

Asha:

Yes, that crossed my mind for sure, especially since I was immersed in my project at the time.

Paul:

That’s when you were working on the Fiona Project. It really struck me. That’s why it’s crucial to recognize the signs, to know what might be a symptom. Some are obvious, but others we might not immediately recognize. Like if a child has an aversion to a particular family member, and it’s dismissed by parents as just a phase. But it could be something more.

Asha:

Absolutely.

Paul:

We need to keep our ears and eyes open, and really listen to what children are trying to tell us. It can go a long way in preventing anything untoward or worse. Hopefully, it’s never worse, but this conversation could go on and on. Any final words before we conclude?

Asha:

I’d say that the resources on thefionaproject.org are invaluable. There’s a page with four rules for kids, another with signs and symptoms that’s a quick read, not a half-hour endeavor.

There are also seven steps to prevention. These resources provide an overview of what to keep in mind, how to respond, and the importance of asking open-ended questions.

In conclusion, the best thing we can do is to heal ourselves first, because we can’t assist others if we haven’t taken care of ourselves. Get educated, engage in open dialogue, and offer support. That’s the essence of it. The person who wrote to you is on the right track.

Paul:

I agree completely. Asha, thank you for joining me and sharing your knowledge.

Asha:

Thank you.

Paul:

And to the woman who wrote in, our hearts go out to you. I wish you much strength. You’re off to a strong start, and it sounds like your daughter has a resilient spirit. She will make it through this. Just be there for her and listen. And thank you for reaching out.

I hope this discussion has been valuable. Share it with others who might benefit.