A mom doesn’t want to sit next to her abusive ex during her child’s wedding, but doesn’t want to come across as selfish.
Is it selfish to make healthy choices that will keep you happy and safe? If you find yourself making decisions to keep others happy, it might be time to consider what that costs you in the long run.
I received a message from someone who’s about a year out from separating after a 35-plus-year marriage. She said her ex definitely has narcissistic traits. She finally began opening up to her best friend about what was happening. Her friend has been her biggest support, but that friend is still friends with this woman’s ex and his social circle.
So, now her oldest child is getting married, and her ex wants to sit with her at the wedding. His family will be there, too. She didn’t have enough boundaries during her marriage and is trying to prioritize her happiness now, but she feels pressure not to be selfish on her child’s special day. She asked for my take on this situation and mentioned that this relationship has changed her forever. She’s not the same person she was.
I want to address this because it’s something many people face after leaving a toxic relationship. You’ve spent years, sometimes decades, in a relationship where you didn’t honor yourself. You didn’t know how to set boundaries, or maybe you tried, and they were constantly violated. Now you’re out of that relationship, you’re healing, and suddenly you’re faced with a situation where the person who hurt you wants something from you again.
When you’re in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, it often starts out wonderful. That’s how these relationships begin. They’re charming, attentive, and make you feel special. But over time, things change. The person you thought you knew reveals their true nature, and you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace, and losing yourself in the process.
Let’s say you spent 35 years in a relationship like this, building your life together like this woman did. Let’s say you had children, shared memories, and have made a history that can’t be erased. But mixed in with that, you also have pain, trauma, and a sense of self that’s been eroded over time.
When you finally leave a relationship like that, it’s not just about physically separating. It’s about reclaiming who you are and learning to honor yourself in ways you never did before.
To the woman who wrote to me: The chaos in your head that you mentioned is real. It’s the result of years of gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse. You start to question your own reality because someone has been telling you for years that your perceptions are wrong, your feelings don’t matter, and your needs are selfish. When you finally get away from that influence, you have to rebuild your sense of self from the ground up.
This woman said her best friend is her biggest support. That is wonderful. But the fact that her best friend is still friends with her ex and his social circle adds another layer of complexity. This is all too common, unfortunately. Not everyone sees the side of your ex that you experienced. To the outside world, he might seem charming, successful, and reasonable. They don’t see the private moments where he tore you down, controlled you, or made you feel small.
This woman’s ex wants to sit with her at their child’s wedding. Let’s break down what this request really means. On the surface, it might seem reasonable! After all, you’re both parents of the person getting married. You’ll both be there, so why not sit together and present a united front for your child?
But really, what does sitting with him do for you?
Does it make you feel comfortable?
Does it allow you to be fully present for your daughter’s wedding?
Or does it put you in a position where you’re managing his emotions, his family’s expectations, and your own discomfort all at the same time?
Let me speak directly to the woman who shared this with me: You mentioned that you didn’t have enough boundaries during your marriage. So this wedding may very well be your opportunity to practice having boundaries.
A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s about deciding what you will and won’t accept in your own life.
You get to decide where you sit at your child’s wedding.
You get to decide who you spend time with.
You get to decide what makes you comfortable.
The pressure you’re feeling not to be selfish on your child’s special day is understandable, but let’s reframe this. Is it selfish to want to be fully present and emotionally available for your daughter on her wedding day? Is it selfish to protect your own emotional well-being so that you can actually enjoy this milestone? I don’t think so.
Being selfish would be making the wedding about you and your needs to the detriment of your daughter’s experience. But setting a boundary that allows you to show up as your best self for her is not selfish. It’s self-loving.
And when you love yourself enough to honor your boundaries, you’re actually in a better position to love and support the people around you.
Dealing With The Manipulative Ex
If you do find yourself in situations where you have to interact with a manipulative or narcissistic ex, there’s a technique called grey rocking that can be helpful. The idea is to become as uninteresting and unresponsive as a grey rock. You don’t give them the emotional reactions they’re looking for. You keep your responses brief, boring, and factual.
People with narcissistic and emotionally abusive traits feed off your emotional reactions.
These people want to see that they can still affect you, still get under your skin, and still have power over you. When you refuse to give them that reaction, you take away their power. You become boring to them, and they often move on to someone else who will give them the emotional supply they’re seeking.
This doesn’t mean you have to be rude or cold. You can be polite and civil without being emotionally available. To the woman who wrote to me, if your ex tries to engage you in conversation at the wedding, you can respond with simple, factual statements. “The ceremony was lovely.” “The food is good.” “I’m going to go talk to some other guests now.” You don’t owe him explanations, justifications, or emotional energy.
The key is to not allow toxic individuals to dictate your emotional responses. You get to decide how you feel and how you react. When someone tries to manipulate you or push your buttons, you can choose not to engage. You can choose to remain calm and centered in yourself.
I’ve used this technique in my own life with people who tried to control or manipulate me. It’s not always easy, especially in the beginning. You might feel like you’re being mean or cold. But you’re not. You’re protecting yourself and your emotional well-being. And that’s not only okay, it’s necessary.
Honoring Yourself Is Not Selfish, It’s Self-Love
People who truly love you will not only honor your boundaries but also support you in honoring your boundaries. People who care about you want you to be happy and comfortable. And they’ll respect your decisions even if they don’t fully understand or agree with them.
If your ex or his family or even some of your friends don’t support your decision to sit separately at the wedding, that tells you something important. It tells you that they’re more concerned with appearances or their own comfort than with your well-being. And that’s information you can use to make decisions about how much energy you invest in those relationships going forward.
You don’t need to explain or justify your boundaries to anyone. When you start explaining, you give people an opportunity to argue with you, to try to change your mind, to make you feel guilty. You can simply state your decision and leave it at that: “I’ve decided to sit with some other family members at the wedding.”
That’s it. You don’t need to add, “because sitting with my ex makes me uncomfortable” or “because he was abusive to me for 35 years.” Those are true statements, but they’re not necessary for enforcing your boundary.
I learned this the hard way in my own life. I used to feel like I had to justify every decision I made, especially if it went against what someone else wanted. But I realized that when I justified my decisions, I was essentially asking for permission. And I don’t need permission to honor myself. Neither do you.
The people who love you will accept your decision. They might ask if you’re okay or if there’s anything they can do to support you, but they won’t pressure you to change your mind.
The people who don’t love you in a healthy way will try to make you feel guilty, selfish, or unreasonable. They’ll tell you that you’re making things difficult or that you’re being dramatic. Those reactions tell you everything you need to know about whether those people have your best interests at heart.
When you’re faced with a decision like this, I always recommend asking yourself, What would I do if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences? That question cuts through all the noise and gets to the heart of what you really want.
Still speaking directly to the author of that message, if you had no fear of what your ex would think, what his family would think, what your friends would think, or even what your daughter might think, what would you do? Would you sit with him? Or would you sit somewhere else where you could relax and enjoy the wedding?
Your answer to that question is your truth. And your truth is usually the right path for you. It’s the path that aligns with your values and your well-being. Everything else is fear talking. Fear of judgment, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as difficult or selfish.
I’ve made a lot of decisions in my life based on fear. I stayed in situations that weren’t good for me because I was afraid of what would happen if I left. I tolerated behavior that violated my boundaries because I was afraid of the consequences of speaking up. And every single time, I regretted it. Not because the consequences were terrible, but because I betrayed myself. I chose someone else’s comfort over my own well-being.
When I finally started making decisions based on what I truly wanted rather than what I was afraid of, my life changed dramatically. I became more confident, more peaceful, and more authentic. The people who truly loved me supported my decisions. And the people who didn’t support my decisions showed me that they were more invested in controlling me than in loving me.
This woman has already taken the hardest step by leaving the marriage. She’s already shown tremendous courage by starting to rebuild her life. Now she gets to continue that journey by making decisions that honor who she is and what she needs.
To this woman, your daughter’s wedding is a significant event. It’s a day that should be filled with joy, love, and celebration. You deserve to experience that day fully. You deserve to be present, to feel your emotions, to celebrate your daughter without the distraction of managing your ex’s presence or emotions.
If sitting with your ex would prevent you from being fully present, then don’t do it. If it would cause you stress or anxiety, then don’t do it. If it would make you feel like you’re back in that old dynamic where you had to manage his feelings and put yourself last, then definitely don’t do it.
This is your daughter’s day, yes. But you’re also a person with needs and feelings. And honoring yourself doesn’t take anything away from your daughter. In fact, when you show up as your authentic, empowered self, you’re modeling for her what it looks like to have healthy boundaries and self-respect. That’s a gift!
I’m grateful you shared your story. I know it takes courage to open up about these experiences, especially when you’re still processing everything that happened.
The fact that you’re thinking about these things, asking these questions, and trying to make decisions that honor yourself tells me that you’re on the right path. You’re healing. You’re growing. And you’re becoming the person you were always meant to be before that relationship dimmed your light.
Keep honoring yourself. Keep setting boundaries. Keep prioritizing your well-being. The people who matter will support you. And the ones who don’t will show you that they’re not worth your energy. You’ve got this.
