When people you care about would rather put their attention on technology than the relationship, you may feel like they are ignoring or even neglecting you.
And perhaps they are!
Is it time to get angry and tell them how you really feel? Maybe there is a compromise you can make where everyone is happy. Or maybe not.
This article will help you learn how to handle, and maybe even resolve, the issue of “technoference.”
Have you ever felt invisible? You know that sensation when someone seems more engrossed in something else rather than paying attention to you?
I’ve felt that because my partner, Asha, can sometimes get caught up in her own world. I find myself chuckling about it because it seems this is how things are now. And it feels like we can’t do anything about it.
When technology interferes with a close relationship, it can leave us feeling sidelined, as if the person we’re with is more interested in their phone conversation or social media feed than us. But is that really the case? Or are they just satisfying an inner craving for connection in a different form?
Maybe we’re all just a bunch of introverts who find comfort in our devices. Could that be how we’re wired?
In this article, I won’t be diving into that question. Instead, I have a specific issue in mind that I believe many people reading this can relate to, whether you’re the one engrossed in your phone or you’re the one feeling overlooked.
It usually happens this way: you want someone’s attention, but they seem too preoccupied, maybe snapping photos of their meal or getting lost in the endless scroll through social media, hunting for the next exciting headline or the next dopamine hit.
This “addiction” to social media and internet browsing, this pursuit of the latest buzz, it’s all about the brain’s love for novelty. The brain thrives on new experiences, even though it’s also comfortable with familiarity.
Imagine you’re driving along and see a flying saucer. Your brain would light up with excitement (and maybe a bit of fear) because it’s something completely out of the ordinary. It’s thrilling because it’s new. That’s why some people adore reading, watching movies, or scrolling on their smartphones: they’re seeking that sense of novelty.
The internet, social media, our phones, and computers – they all quench our thirst for novelty. With technology at our fingertips, what used to be an occasional craving for fresh experiences or information has now turned into a continuous need.
As technology continues to evolve, we’ll find ourselves with even more immediate access to it, which could be seen as both a positive and a negative. For some, constant connectivity is a lifeline. While for others, it might detract from human interaction.
I, like many others, enjoy human interaction. I’m also a tech enthusiast; I embrace the advancements in AI and use tech all the time. I’m surrounded by technology even as I write this article.
When my fiance teases me about my love for gadgets, I proudly agree with her because denying it would be pointless. I admit that’s who I am and what I enjoy. I embrace it. You might say I have a deep affection for it. It’s almost like a collection of treasured toys that bring me joy.
Some people will tell us to be careful about all the radiation emitted from our devices. If you could see my desk, you’d understand why I have a personal hope that all the tech we use falls within safe emission standards!
As I said, I embrace technology. But not everyone shares this sentiment. Some people resist it, wary of its pervasive influence on our time and energy.
Asha’s son, even at the tender age of two, would plead with her to “get off the pewter” and pay attention to him. She feels bad when she recalls those times, but he knows his mom loves him. They spent a lot of time together, as that happened only a few times.
When Asha and I first met, I thought I had found my dream girl. She understood technology as well as I did, sometimes even better than me. We each had our own area of expertise. It was exciting, but as time passed, we both found ourselves increasingly glued to our phones.
This brings me to the heart of the matter: the impact of technology on our relationships, both emotional and physical. Do we still make meaningful eye contact with those we care about anymore?
Technology has undeniably transformed our world. And while I don’t claim to have all the answers, I think you’ll appreciate some of my perspectives.
This article stems from a message I received from a listener of my podcast. They wrote:
“I’m in a relationship, and my husband, who has ADHD, is constantly on his phone, often with an AirPod in his ear, no matter the situation. It’s frustrating. I feel neglected, as if his phone is more important than me, and it’s hard to engage him.
“We have a child, and I worry they’re not getting the attention they need either. His phone may help with his focus, but I want that focus to be on us.”
This is such an important discussion that’s relevant to nearly all of us, except, perhaps, those who still use flip phones. It’s hard to become addicted to one of those since most of them don’t come with the internet or games. As for some of us, the phone can suck us in.
This somewhat unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on who you are) reality is the world we live in. And it’s only going to get more pronounced as time goes on. Someone like me will enjoy the progress as technology gets better.
Yet, ‘better’ is subjective. To me, ‘better’ means that technology can be incredibly beneficial. It has done wonders, like helping paralyzed individuals walk again. We’re talking about augmentation, wearable technology that enhances our abilities.
For instance, I now wear hearing aids. In my twenties, I thought it was cool to blast music in my car, not realizing the long-term effects on my hearing.
Decades later, I found myself asking people to repeat themselves, not because they were speaking softly but because my hearing had deteriorated. It was Asha who insisted I see an audiologist, which led to the discovery of my near-severe hearing loss.
I embraced the idea of getting hearing aids. I wanted to hear clearly again. Today, I’m thrilled I got them and happily put them in my ears every morning.
If you ever face hearing problems and need to get hearing aids, make sure to get hearing aids that fit well; otherwise, you might not like them. Mine fit snugly in my ear canal, allowing me to hear frequencies I’d been missing. It’s weird at first, but the benefits are immeasurable.
So here I sit today, augmented with technology. This is what I mean by the tech getting better—yet sometimes worse. The advancements that help us see, hear, and more are fantastic, but there’s a downside if they start to take away from our human connections.
The situation the listener described in their message to me, where technology was pulling someone away from them and their loved ones, is important to address as soon as possible since the relationship may be deteriorating.
It’s a scenario you might relate to, where someone you care about is on their device rather than paying attention to you. Not because you’re selfish and want them all to yourself, but because they may spend all their free time on it, leaving none for you. That can feel quite lonely.
Let’s consider what’s at the heart of this problem. When we feel someone’s attention is consistently diverted by technology, we must ask ourselves what exactly is missing in those moments.
Identifying what’s missing is crucial because it helps us clarify what we want from the other person. Coming back to the author of the message I got, it sounds to me that you are yearning for your husband to remove his AirPods, set his phone aside, and truly be present with you and your child.
What’s missing are details like:
How long do you want his attention?
How often do you want it?
When do you want it – what time of the day?
I’m posing these questions deliberately to challenge you to define what you find acceptable. It’s important to establish your expectations.
Is it reasonable to expect him to never use his phone around you? That might be unrealistic, but it’s essential to understand your boundaries and set ones that work for both of you.
You might be thinking, “I just want him to be present when it counts.”
But when does it count? You might say, “Always!” But what does that look like in practice?
I’m pressing you for details here because gaining clarity on your needs will make it easier to communicate them. You might feel like he’s never present, but if pressed, you might concede that it’s not literally “never.” It’s just that his phone seems to dominate his attention.
That’s why it’s vital to understand your own feelings when he’s engrossed in his device. Knowing this will guide you in articulating what you need from him and the relationship.
Perhaps you’ve already expressed your desire for a deeper connection. But let me clarify further. When you crave that connection, what does it entail?
If you were in front of me right now, you might say, “Full attention,” I’m guessing. If that’s the case, consider the times he does focus entirely on you, even if it’s just for ten minutes before returning to his phone. Is that sufficient?
I’m intentionally being challenging because quantifying your needs is incredibly helpful. If you’re not sure what’s missing or to what extent, it becomes harder to ask for change, especially if he doesn’t see a reason to alter his behavior.
I’m not excusing his behavior, just to be clear. I’m bringing this up because it’s important for you to recognize what you’re lacking so that you can communicate that to him.
Imagine you’re seeking connection at specific times during the day, but he’s absorbed in his phone, not even glancing up when you attempt to get his attention. It’s frustrating, to be sure. The aim here is to address what you’re missing internally. What’s missing for you in that moment?
Learning what’s missing is the key to knowing what to ask for. It’s also important to understand that reaching a good balance might involve compromises on both sides. So when you share your needs, he may share some that may not be being met either.
And to clarify, this isn’t about taking sides. It’s about finding a way that both people can meet their own needs while also giving time and energy to other people in their lives.
Consider the possibility that he doesn’t change, that he’s just fond of being on his phone, perhaps for work reasons. My fiancée, for example, is constantly on her phone for work. That doesn’t upset me at all, but I honestly don’t know how anyone can work on such a small screen! I check my email but can’t stand typing on the little screen when replying, so I try to avoid doing that kind of work from my phone.
However, she’s quite adept at using the phone for work. It is a tool she uses to get her work done, so I’ve learned to accept it as part of her job.
There are times when she’s scrolling for leisure, like catching up on news. But ultimately, it’s inconsequential because if I ever feel neglected, I speak up. I suggest going for a walk or enjoying nature together to reconnect.
I know her well enough to anticipate her response—she’ll agree but then ask for time to wrap up what she’s doing. If you don’t express what you need, the other person might not understand what’s missing in your life.
There’s a stark difference between accusing someone of neglecting the relationship vs. sharing your feelings of loneliness. To the person who wrote me, instead of commenting on his phone usage, voice what you’re missing. Maybe you can ask for a daily 10-minute connection or whatever suits your needs.
Having been with my fiancée since 2015, I know if I need that connection, I have to ask for it. Thankfully, she’s responsive to my needs (unless she’s deep in work mode, then I might need to wait a bit longer), but when I articulate what I’m missing and what I need, she does make time for me.
Recognizing that people will behave as they do is crucial. That’s why I anticipate my partner will say she needs time to wrap up when I ask for some time with her. Preparing myself for her response keeps me from being unpleasantly surprised.
The other person may not be aware that their actions are keeping you from getting your needs met. But it’s also important how you convey what’s lacking. It’s one thing to demand someone’s attention by saying, “Get off the phone,” and quite another to express, “We haven’t connected today and I’d like to do that with you.”
If that doesn’t convey enough of your needs, then you might have to share something deeper like, “I feel really sad that we haven’t connected today.”
When you need to get someone’s attention who is preoccupied with their phone, it’s about communicating effectively. You might say, “Hey, I need to talk to you,” to draw their focus. Once they look up and ask you ‘What’s going on?’, sharing your feelings can make a big difference.
At that point, you can say something along the lines of, “I feel really sad that we haven’t connected today. I want to spend some time with you.”
Or, if you don’t feel sad necessarily, you could express a positive desire like: “I really want to connect with you because I enjoy your presence and the attention you give me.”
Hopefully, if you’re speaking to someone who cares for you and supports you, they’ll want to make you happy by providing their time and attention.
If, for instance, you tell your partner that you’re feeling neglected and they respond with, “No, I’m busy right now,” it’s important to consider if this is a typical response.
Can they make time later?
Would you be okay if they apologized they couldn’t join you in the moment but asked for a half-hour to finish up?
It boils down to whether we’re trying to change their behavior or simply communicating our needs to someone we care about. It’s really about being direct:
“This is what I need from you. Can you give that to me now?”
Many people might think, “They should want to connect with me. They should want to put their phone down.” However, expecting someone to change their habits can be challenging. It can introduce resistance or even resentment.
Consider how it would feel if the roles were reversed. If someone asked you to change a need of yours, it might feel like an attempt to control you rather than a compromise or acceptance.
I’m not defending those who are constantly on their phones, but they need to be made aware of their partner’s, friend’s, or family’s needs. They need to show up in a way that meets both their own needs and those of the people around them, creating a balance that works for everyone involved.
It’s true that, at times, we must set aside our gadgets and step away from the constant stream of novelty that captivates our brains. We need to shift our focus toward those who are genuinely attentive and care about us.
I believe that the people who read this article are likely more inclined to be present and make an effort to connect with their loved ones. However, we’ve all been guilty at some point of inadvertently neglecting others.
Neglect definitely strains relationships. Over time, we can become so comfortable with close people in our lives that we assume they know we love and care for them without us having to say it.
This assumption can lead to complacency. And if our usual routine doesn’t involve actively connecting with them, they may start to feel overlooked.
For those who are constantly seeking new stimuli, it’s crucial to take a moment to pause and show them that they are valued. Even a minute of genuine connection can make a world of difference, letting them know you’re there and you care.
For the tech-obsessed, try this occasionally and you might notice a positive shift in the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should make a major case about how they disconnect from you all the time, it’s about truly being present for the other person.
My partner and I are very tech-oriented, but we both recognize the importance of putting our devices down to connect. If we neglect this, it can negatively impact our relationship in various ways.
If you are the one who is always tethered to their electronics, remember that disconnecting to show someone who cares about you that they matter can prevent them from feeling invalidated. Feeling insignificant or invalidated can cause a relationship to deteriorate and lead to unexpected issues.
If you’re on the receiving end of such behavior, it’s essential to communicate what you’re missing. This helps the other person realize they have a choice to either fulfill your needs or overlook them.
Instead of dictating actions, express your needs: “I’m feeling lonely. Could we spend some time together?”
If the need arises again, don’t hesitate to express it. The goal isn’t to change the other person but to help them recognize your presence. Though it may seem unnecessary to remind someone you’re there, it can be helpful, especially if they are habitually engrossed in technology and lose track of the need for connection.
People can become complacent, thinking that if nothing appears to have changed, then everything must still be fine. Yes, sometimes we can be that oblivious, myself included.
It’s all too common to get so engrossed in technology that before we know it, midnight strikes, and we haven’t truly connected with our loved ones all day.
This is precisely why it’s crucial that, if you’re feeling the absence of connection, to express your needs. It’s about saying, “This is what I need. Can you provide it?” without making it seem like you’re trying to change the other person.
You might think I’m saying that they can do as they please as long as your reasonable needs are met. Quite frankly, why not? If your needs are being met, where you feel you have enough quality time together, wouldn’t it be okay for them to spend their time doing other things that please them too?
The truth is that asking for their undivided attention for five minutes is hardly excessive. Ideally, they’ll understand and comply. I say “ideally” because I’m aware that some relationships are more challenging than others. When someone reluctantly sets aside their phone and asks, “Fine, what do you want to talk about?” it hardly feels like a moment of true connection. It’s more a sign of frustration, as if fulfilling your needs is a burden to them.
That is disheartening! If that’s what the relationship turns into, then there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. Questions like “Do you still even want to connect? Do you even care?” might be tough but necessary to explore at that point.
Remember, often, the more direct, the better. You might have to be straightforward and say, “I need you to put down the phone and listen to me for five minutes.” It might jolt them out of their digital trance, and they may not like it, but it’s important to explain why their presence is needed.
For instance, telling someone to play with their own child shouldn’t be necessary. But sometimes people need that explicit instruction because they’re just not getting it.
I’ve learned from my own relationship that sometimes I can be oblivious. I don’t always grasp what my partner is trying to communicate unless she’s very literal in her requests.
For example, she might mention that there are dirty dishes in the sink, which I might misinterpret as something other than a hint for me to wash them.
Misunderstandings like this have happened in our relationship, leading to confusion and sometimes long “conversations” (arguments). Her friends might suggest to her that she should have just asked me directly to wash the dishes because some people need clear, direct communication. They will remind her that some people, like me, don’t always pick up on subtleties.
This is why discussing communication is so valuable. Sometimes, the way we say things doesn’t convey the message we intend. A simple “Get off your phone and pay attention to me” can express feelings of loneliness or the desire for connection.
It doesn’t have to be negative; it could simply be something like, “I miss spending time with you.” Suggesting a walk or a trip to get ice cream can be effective ways to initiate that connection.
With time and consistent communication, the hope is that your partner will start to prioritize spending time with you over their devices, realizing it not only fulfills your needs but also enhances the relationship. They may begin to naturally reduce their digital engagement, shifting their energy toward what’s truly important.
Guiding someone to understand your needs can be a delicate process. If subtlety doesn’t work, being direct is the next step. Yet, even with directness, the desired change may not occur, and that’s when accountability may come into play. For instance, if you’re in a relationship and your partner prefers their phone over connecting with you, it might be necessary to say, “I need us to connect, and if that’s not possible, I may need to do things independently, like making my own dinner.”
Hopefully, it doesn’t get to that extreme as we want to be able to travel with our partner on a path that enriches the relationship, not diminishes it, and turns it into more of a roommate situation. The goal is for both people’s needs to be met.
I’ve been cautious not to demand my fiancée to stop using her phone or playing games. Taking something away can lead to resentment or resistance, potentially triggering other destructive behaviors.
Instead, the focus should be on allowing the other person to be themselves while also ensuring your own needs are fulfilled.
If my fiancée wants to be on her phone for several hours and I’m still getting the connection I need, then we’re both content. To me, that’s balance.
Connecting with my fiancée is important to me. And I want her to feel the same way. If my needs aren’t being met, I’ll ask for more, knowing that our relationship is strong enough to accommodate such a conversation.
You might have to plan or create rituals that foster connection, like designating phone-free times or engaging in activities together outside the house. These moments away from technology can reinforce the bond and prevent taking each other for granted.
For instance, when my fiancée leaves the house, even for a short errand, I make it a point to say a proper goodbye. It might sound trivial, but it’s important to me. You never know what the future holds, and I don’t want to miss the chance to make our last interaction memorable. She’s come to appreciate this ritual, too.
We both work from home, which might seem like an opportunity for more time together, but it’s not always the case. We’re often in separate spaces, so the moments we do share are special.
It’s vital to continue working on the relationship and not take each other’s presence for granted. Appreciating your partner or anyone you care about and their role in your life is key, especially when some people don’t have anyone at all.
I remember the loneliness I felt after my divorce, and technology was my only connection to others. It got me through some pretty hard times.
While I love technology, I recognize the importance of balancing screen time with personal interactions. Value the presence of your loved ones and make the most of the time you have together. And if “technoference” has intruded upon an important relationship in your life, make sure they know what you’re missing.
If they don’t find the relationship important to invest a little more time and energy into, you may have to have a harder conversation.
