It’s a challenge to stay present for someone who is so down and out. Sometimes, you go into your own “stuff” trying to help them with theirs. It’s the curse of many highly sensitive people and certainly difficult for almost any empathetic person.
There are ways to help others without getting into your own stuff. Sometimes, it’s necessary if the person you are there for just can’t get out of their own upset.
I want to share a message I received from someone who read my article about dealing with irrational people. She appreciated how I handled some of the more challenging irrational comments from others with tact, even though my responses could be a bit “spicy” at times. If you’re curious about those exchanges, you can find them in the comments section of that article.
The reader who reached out to me was seeking advice about a difficult situation with her daughter. She began by explaining that her oldest daughter showed signs of being different from other children early on. Her daughter was quiet, shy and introverted, with a limited vocabulary and rarely initiated conversations. Though extremely obedient and never prone to tantrums, at age eight, she was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.
As her daughter grew older, the anxiety intensified, leading to self-harming behaviors and suicidal thoughts. She spent several months in a residential treatment center as a young teenager. While she’s been doing better since then, she still struggles with severe anxiety and very low self-esteem.
The mother describes walking on eggshells around her daughter, who seems to overreact to even the most innocent comments like “Please pick up your clothes.” Despite seeing a therapist and taking medication, her daughter remains extremely sensitive and emotionally reactive.
What really touched me was the mother’s raw honesty about her own struggles. She admitted, with great shame, that she sometimes doesn’t want to be around her daughter anymore. The constant emotional neediness has left her feeling depleted and miserable. She cries herself to sleep many nights, consumed by guilt over these feelings of resentment.
The situation is further complicated by having another daughter who is well-adjusted and emotionally stable, which leads her to painful comparisons and questions about what went wrong with her older child. Though she tries to remain loving and caring, her patience and empathy reserves often run dry, forcing her to retreat to another room until her daughter calms down.
This mother’s vulnerability in sharing her struggles with her daughter’s anxiety really struck me. It’s clear she loves her daughter deeply while also being overwhelmed by the daily emotional challenges of their relationship.
I want to thank this person for sharing this difficult situation. For you, the reader, I’ve kept certain details private, including ages and names, as I always want to maintain confidentiality, especially since the people involved might read this article themselves one day, though it would be wonderful if they did end up reading it and found this helpful for their own healing.
Before offering my thoughts, I should make a few important disclaimers. First, I don’t have children myself, which actually might be helpful in one way as an outside observer, I can perhaps offer practical perspectives without being caught up in the emotional complexities of parenting.
Second, I haven’t specifically worked with or studied childhood disorders like this. While I do have opinions to share, I could be wrong, and I encourage you to take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
Since I’m not a professional in this specific area, feel free to stop reading now if you’re concerned about getting advice that might not fit your situation. What I can share is my understanding of behavior, personalities, responses, reactions, and the emotional dynamics we all deal with daily.
Given that you read my article on dealing with irrational people, I’m guessing you either see your daughter’s behavior as irrational or you’re struggling to find effective ways to communicate and connect with her.
This brings me to what I believe is a crucial question: Who did she model?
When I think about children’s behavior, whether reflecting on my own childhood, my siblings, or the families I’ve worked with, I always wonder about their primary and secondary role models. Understanding who a child modeled their behavior after can provide valuable clues about where certain patterns originated and what healing might be needed.
Children naturally mirror the adults around them. If you or her father handled situations in ways that weren’t particularly helpful, she might have absorbed those patterns. You might not notice these parallels if you were the person she modeled, but an outside observer or professional would likely spot these connections.
Since you mentioned this behavior emerged when she was very young, I’m particularly interested in any family behavioral patterns she might have absorbed. Unless there’s a genetic component from you or a grandparent, examining the family dynamics during her formative years could reveal important insights. After all, children learn how to respond to life largely by watching how others around them respond.
So, let’s explore another possibility: Maybe she didn’t model anyone at all. Maybe she rebelled.
This is something professionals who study childhood development often observe. Some children will rebel against what they see, sometimes so strongly that they do the exact opposite of what they witness.
Let me share a personal example. My stepfather was an alcoholic who passed out drunk almost daily from the time I was one year old. Seeing this behavior from such an early age, I could have gone one of two ways: I could have modeled his behavior and become an alcoholic myself, or I could have rebelled completely against it. I chose rebellion.
This rebellion was healthy in many ways. It protected my body and my sanity. But it also came with its own toxic side effects. While I stayed away from drugs and alcohol, I became highly judgmental of anyone who used them. This judgmental attitude wasn’t limited to substance use. It spread to other areas of my life and eventually morphed into emotionally abusive behaviors that I brought into my relationships.
While rebelling against destructive behaviors can be protective, it can also create its own set of problems. Thankfully, I’ve healed from much of this. Today, I can be around people who drink without judgment. While I’m still not a fan of drugs, I’ve learned to accept that others make their own choices. This healing took time and work, but it was possible.
I share this because I hope your daughter can find her own path to healing, whatever she’s struggling with. Again, to the person who wrote, thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story. I know these situations are incredibly challenging.
Let’s come back to my original question: Who did she model? Or perhaps more importantly, who did she rebel against? Was it her father? You? Someone else?
Understanding this is crucial because how we respond to life’s events often gets passed down to our children, whether they mirror our responses or completely reject them. More often than not, they follow our pattern, but sometimes they go in the completely opposite direction.
This is how we often end up “marrying our parents.” You’ve probably heard that saying. If your dad was a controlling narcissist, you might find yourself married to someone with similar traits.
Children grow up and develop these dysfunctions, forming unhealthy attractions to people who won’t make them happy. But because these dynamics feel familiar, they mistake them for normal family life. While I’m not saying these relationships can’t work, they often don’t.
Understanding whether someone modeled or rebelled against a parent’s behavior is valuable information. But what really stands out in your message is how you show up for her. You described giving her all your love, compassion, empathy, and attention. You’re likely someone who deeply feels for her, shows up consistently and genuinely wants her to be healthy and better.
I’ve said this before in my articles. When you respond to someone the same way repeatedly and don’t get the results you want, it’s time to change how you show up. For instance, if you cry every time someone yells at you, and they continue the behavior, then crying isn’t an effective response.
I know this sounds strange because you’re genuinely hurt, and crying is a natural reaction, but if you’re crying to show them they’ve hurt you, and they keep hurting you, that approach isn’t working.
Since you’ve been consistently showing up as highly compassionate and empathetic, always being there for her, telling her you’re available, being loving and caring, until you reach the point where you don’t know what to do or say and hide in another room, I want to suggest something. It might not be pleasant to hear, and maybe you’ve already tried it, but if this has been your consistent approach, it’s time to change things up.
You need to be more disciplined with yourself. By that, I mean being less empathetic and more of a rock-solid support system of love.
Let me explain the difference between empathy and sympathy in this context. When you’re empathetic, you’re getting in the passenger seat and experiencing everything with them. With sympathy, you’re watching what happens, caring about it, and letting them talk without judgment. And most importantly, you’re doing this without getting caught up in your own emotional response.
For example, when someone’s dog dies, and you’ve lost a pet, too, you can easily empathize because you know that pain. But while they’re experiencing it at its worst right now, getting too caught up in your own emotional response might not be helpful.
The way you’re currently showing up for her doesn’t seem effective. While it might be enough to keep the relationship hanging by a thread, it’s not helping either of you reach a better place. Instead, it seems you’re both declining, with her constantly teetering on some edge.
I want to acknowledge that you’re absolutely there for her. That’s not the issue. The question is: Are you showing up in a way that benefits her most while preserving your own energy? This is where we need to distinguish between sympathetic and empathetic support.
Let me share my experience with this. When I did one-on-one coaching, I approached clients differently than I did my partner. With my partner, I naturally feel empathetic because I’m part of her life. It’s harder to maintain emotional distance with family and loved ones. However, I learned to shift between empathy and sympathy, becoming a rock-solid wall of support without getting tangled in either her stuff or my own.
When someone shares their struggles, I don’t immediately dive into the sadness zone. Instead, I enter a state of curiosity and presence. I’m just there, listening, allowing them to be who they are.
While I can switch between approaches with my partner and with clients, I consistently maintain a sympathetic, solid presence. They need to know that if they start crying, I won’t break down, too. I’ll stay steady, creating a safe space for them to be vulnerable.
People share deep, painful things in these moments. They might cry, yell about hating their life or their spouse, reveal embarrassing secrets, or express guilt. It’s an incredibly vulnerable space for most people to occupy.
How Can You Help Someone So Close To You Without Getting Caught Up In Their “Stuff”?
The question is: Can you show up more like a coach or therapist? Also, can you dissociate from what’s being discussed, even when it’s about you?
By dissociate, I mean disconnecting from your personal emotional response and showing up with unconditional love, as the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa would. Instead of thinking, “Oh my god, this is my daughter. I feel so bad, I’m going to cry because I don’t know what to do,” can you step out of that space?
While your compassion, love, and empathy are wonderful and commendable, I think you need to shift gears. Become more of a leader, an authority figure she can look to and think, “Wow, you’re not losing it after I just told you that sad story.”
Instead of getting upset or “losing it,” your response can be, “I’m here for you. I completely sympathize with where you are. And I want to be here for whatever you need.”
This kind of personal leadership is crucial because people in anxious or fearful states usually look for strong, steady guidance. They need someone who can remain solid when they’re shaking.
Let me share a relevant story from my past about being that rock-solid support person. I was on a flight, sitting across from a woman who began talking to me right away. As we were flying, she started getting nervous, saying things like, “I don’t like what’s going on.” From my training, I knew how to talk to people in distress.
She began freaking out due to claustrophobia: all these people on the plane, the tight space. I spoke to her calmly, presenting myself as someone completely secure and unafraid. I didn’t need to say, “Everything will be alright,” or “Don’t worry.” Instead, I simply asked, “Tell me what’s going on, what’s happening?” She explained her fear and need to escape.
Throughout most of the flight, she managed okay. But things got worse after we landed and were taxiing to the terminal. She started panicking, saying, “I have to get out of here, this is freaking me out!” Her breathing became rapid, and she was clearly distressed. We were still moving, so there was no way they’d let her off the plane.
Though I reminded her we were on the ground and would be off the plane soon, it didn’t help. She was becoming irrational (not that I judged her for it). I understood completely: she was claustrophobic, in a confined space, having a panic attack.
When nothing I said helped, I decided to become a rock-solid wall of love and support by being the leader she needed. Right after we stopped, as people started getting up, I stood directly in front of her and said, “Now, I want you to pay attention to me really closely.” If she started to look away, I’d redirect her: “No, pay attention to me. Look at me and listen closely. Everyone is getting off the plane. You’re going to get off, too, and you’re absolutely fine. We made it. We’re on the ground. Everyone will leave shortly, and you’ll go with them.”
But that wasn’t enough. She needed a mission. She was so focused on her fear that I had to give her something specific to do. When I said, “Here’s what I want you to do,” I really got her attention because it sounded like I was giving her a solution.
I told her, “I want you to tap people on the shoulder calmly and say, ‘Could you please let me through? I have an emergency.’ But you must do this calmly. Keep your cool because if you don’t, it won’t go smoothly. Be patient and very composed.”
That’s exactly what she did. She tapped the first shoulder and said, “Excuse me, I have an emergency. Can I get through?” People moved aside, and I watched as she made her way to the front of the plane, becoming one of the first passengers off.
When I finally got off the plane, I saw her standing there with a big smile. She hugged me, grateful to be through what she had perceived as danger. She had made it, and I believe my steady presence had helped guide her through.
There’s an important lesson in this story about leadership and trust. When you’re a leader in someone’s life, they need to trust you completely. They need to feel your absolute confidence and certainty. This isn’t about being arrogant. It’s about being so grounded in yourself that others can draw strength from your stability.
When you show up with this level of confidence, knowing what you’re saying is right, people will naturally absorb that energy. They’re often looking for direction, for some sense of organization in their chaos. Through your behavior, your way of speaking, and your organized thoughts, you provide what they need.
Think about a person in your life who’s feeling anxious, confused, or fearful. Do they have a solid, confident leader they can look to? Someone who won’t leave the room, start crying, or hide when things get tough? Can they count on you through the worst moments?
For the woman who wrote to me, I know this is asking a lot. It can be tough to make that switch. But if what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working, this might be the change you both need to make some progress.
When a person lacks healthy coping skills, they need someone around them who not only has healthy coping skills but is also a leader in their own life. This is similar to why people are drawn to certain leaders in any context. They see the qualities they want in their own lives.
When we have these types of leaders in our family, it can help minimize drama, trauma, and toxicity because we become someone others can rely on.
The second lesson is about giving someone a purpose or mission. If your daughter’s life feels out of control or she’s unsure about her direction, once you’ve established yourself as that confident, reliable presence, she’s more likely to trust your guidance. When you suggest a course of action, she’ll be more receptive because she knows you’ll be there no matter what.
This won’t work 100% of the time, but it starts with being that solid rock of love and support, someone who doesn’t buckle under pressure or fall apart when things aren’t going as hoped. If she needs emotional and mental strength in her life and isn’t getting it, it will be harder for her to find any sense of normalcy.
One practical step toward being this mentally strong person is practicing dissociation; stepping outside your own emotional reactions to become a source of strength and unconditional love for the other person’s well-being. This means offering absolute support for wherever they are, even if you disagree with wherever they are, and remaining non-judgmental.
Be careful not to invalidate their experience with phrases like “Don’t worry” or “Everything will be alright.” When someone’s sharing their trauma or anxiety, these well-intentioned responses can make them feel dismissed. In their reality, nothing may be alright. Eight might feel like it’s falling apart. Sometimes, they just need someone to acknowledge and understand their experience rather than try to fix it.
Let me share why I told you the story of the woman on the airplane. When you’re a leader in someone’s life, they need to trust you completely. They need to believe that what you’re saying is absolutely true. Sometimes, the way to reach someone is through your own unwavering confidence. They need to feel it, see it, experience it. They need to know that no matter what happens, you’re certain about what you’re saying.
When you show up with that level of confidence, with organized thoughts and clear direction, people draw from that energy. They absorb it because they’re searching for structure and guidance in their chaos. Through your behavior and way of speaking, you provide what they need.
Meet Them In Their Reality
I’ll never forget when I started agreeing with people who said, “Life sucks.”
They’d look at me, shocked, saying, “What? You’re supposed to be the coach!. You’re supposed to brighten my day.”
I’d respond, “Are you kidding me? Life is hard as hell. I get it.”
It was the first time someone didn’t tell them there were so many things to be grateful for. Finally, they could breathe because they didn’t have to defend their position. They had someone who understood and wasn’t trying to talk them out of their reality.
This is what I think about when someone asks me how to communicate with someone who they’ve found it impossible to connect with, like this woman and her daughter. The daughter feels her life is falling apart, so having a stable, supportive person who can relate to them and doesn’t crumble with them is invaluable.
If you can be someone who can take some proverbial “emotional bullets” without falling apart, even better. What I mean is that some people can try to make you feel bad, yell at you, blame you, and more. But if you know whatever they’re talking about really isn’t your fault, remember that it’s likely that none of what they say is personal. It’s about their experience and their pain.
Even when they specifically say, “You are the problem,” stay in that role of unwavering support for them. Even when they say, “I hate you” or “You’re the worst person in the world (or, in this woman’s case, “You’re the worst mom in the world”), look at that person with eyes full of love and support. Know that deep down, they’re in pain, and your job is to show them you’ll never give up on them. It’s tough, but that’s what they need.
Those in pain need to know that they have someone on their side, no matter what.
To the woman who wrote to me, this is difficult for me to address because, based on what you shared, I understand what you’re dealing with. And while I know this is a daily struggle for you, I believe if you can separate from who you’ve been and become this new person around her. It will make a difference.
Yes, you’ll need to decompress after some conversations, I’m sure. And that’s perfectly fine. But do that on your own time. But when it’s time, show up as someone solid and dependable, someone she can share anything with, knowing you won’t buckle. Be there because you love her.
The more present you are, the more they’ll absorb that confidence from you, developing their own sense of personal leadership.
This is what I’ve experienced in my life. When people have shown up for me this way, it changed everything. It changed the direction of my relationship and my trajectory.
You can’t help everyone, of course. Sometimes you try everything and it still doesn’t work. Some people find value in staying in their current state, believe it or not. There’s such a thing as “secondary gain,” where people get certain benefits from their behavior. I’m not saying that’s happening with this woman and her daughter. After all, given her early diagnosis of general anxiety disorder, there’s likely more going on.
While this woman might need another expert’s perspective, I hesitate to suggest that the mom put her daughter under any more scrutiny. Instead, I suggest she focus on being that solid presence in her daughter’s life.
She didn’t mention if her dad was around. If he is, presenting a unified front would be even better – even if you’re separated. That means you both being a solid rock of love and support for her.
One thing I know for sure is that your current approach isn’t working since you keep getting the same results. And since your daughter is now an adult making her own decisions, let me offer one final suggestion: show her that you trust her.
That might mean giving your daughter responsibilities. If she fails at something you’ve entrusted her with, respond with, “It’s okay. I still trust you.” This can help build her self-worth and self-esteem, showing her that someone believes in her no matter how “messed up” she thinks she is.
She might think you see her as a “basket case.” And maybe that’s how she sees herself. But it’s so powerful to show someone you think highly of them and trust them. Yes, they’ve faced challenges, but that doesn’t define who they are at their core. She’s probably a wonderful person, and sometimes people just need help bringing that up and out of her.
Can You Be Their Coach?
It can be difficult to help those you are closest to because you are usually part of the dynamic. For example, are you ready to listen to how you’ve hurt them but still be there for them?
That takes a special kind of person! But there is something I do if and when that happens in my life (thankfully, rarely) that I’ll share in a moment. But first, I think it’s important to accept that sometimes you can’t help people.
Sometimes, you need to drop the idea of helping them because you may not be able to. But what you can do is listen. You do that by creating that safe, non-judgmental space where they can be themselves. That way, they can share their challenges, even if you don’t have a clue about how to guide them. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is simply to be present and listen.
This doesn’t mean you have to be at their beck and call every minute of every day. But when opportunities arise to connect with them, you can choose to take advantage of those opportunities if you want.
But it can be tricky to be that rock-solid wall of love and support without getting pulled into their drama, fear, trauma, or worries. If you do, your energy will drain as you sink into their emotional space. And when you go down with them, you may not be the help or guidance they truly need.
I mentioned some personal leadership stuff before and showing up as “dissociated” from your own stuff. Let me explain how I do this using terms I learned during my studies and training: uptime and downtime.
In uptime, I’m not connecting to my own stuff or thinking about my past or future. I’m outside myself, dissociated from my own senses, in total observation and fascination with people and the world at large.
When I’m in uptime, and someone is in front of me, I’m simply observing them, being present, watching their body language, listening to their inflections, and learning about them. But what I’m not doing is worrying about them or getting pulled into my own emotional space as they share what they’re dealing with.
This is uptime. It is staying out of both your and their drama, keeping yourself from diving into your own emotional state and feelings about things.
What helps me stay in uptime is focusing on their behavior, voice, movements, and nonverbal cues. For example, the way they move their hands and eyes.
I’m not analyzing absolutely everything. But I’m staying attentive to what’s outside me instead of giving any attention to my personal feelings about what the other person is bringing up. For example, if they share how they lost their dog, I do my best to continue to give them my attention instead of reflecting on how it feels to lose an animal. After all, I don’t want to sink into my own stuff.
If I were to go inward and let my thoughts drift to past losses or heartbreaks, all that sadness, worry, pain, and fear would come up for me. And when you’re down in that space while being empathetic with someone else, you can both end up there.
And sometimes, that’s okay! I’m not saying it’s wrong that you end up in that space with them. It shows you care. But you do have to be careful about just how deep you let yourself go into someone else’s challenges.
Downtime is when you get right in the weeds with them. If they lost their dog, you are feeling just as sad, reflecting on the animals you’ve lost. If they are going through a divorce, your baggage around breakups and divorce will come up and affect how you are able to help them with theirs.
In uptime, you don’t go down the rabbit hole of reflection about your own thoughts and emotions about what happened to you. Instead, stay present, curious, and compassionate about their plight and do what you can to be there for them. You may have to deal with your own stuff afterward, but in that moment, they need you.
The point of practicing uptime versus downtime is staying outside your own life experiences and not letting your emotions interfere. That’s how you become that rock-solid wall of love and support. It’s being fully present for them, like an emotional “guard” they’ve hired to be their steady support whenever they need to lean on something.
I’m not suggesting you show up this way constantly or spend all your energy doing this. But, sometimes, people need this from us because they’re not in a space where they can show up for themselves this way, and they need to get that support from somewhere.
Having a role model can help with this process. That’s why I encouraged the person who wrote the email to be that role model for their daughter, someone others can feel comfortable with, knowing that if anything goes wrong, she’ll be there to help guide them back on course. People feel more confident when they have someone they trust to help them find their way.
You can also be in that emotional space with them and experience true empathy. There’s a time and place for this, especially when someone is in what we might call “a dark space.” For instance, take the person who wrote about her daughter. She wasn’t sure how to connect with her. In situations like this, you can enter their reality. This requires being stable within yourself first, as it might take you to uncomfortable places.
Entering someone’s model of the world means imagining their experience and asking yourself, “What would that feel like?” When you do this, you’re truly experiencing it with them.
Sometimes when someone tells me, “Life sucks, I hate it,” I might respond, “Yeah, life does suck sometimes, I hate it too.” I’m not saying this to be disingenuous. I’m meeting them where they are. Because honestly, there are times when life does suck.
If you can’t share that experience with someone, you might never truly understand what they’re going through. Entering their reality helps them relate to you, builds trust, and shows them you’re not there to invalidate their experience. You’re demonstrating that you understand and are willing to discuss it if they want to.
Sometimes, you might say, “I think I’d feel exactly the same way if I went through what you did.” If they respond with “You don’t understand,” you can acknowledge, “You’re probably right, I probably don’t understand. But what you’ve described would make me anxious, too. It might make me ill.” Really connect with them at their level so they know they’re not alone.
There are times when you need to shift from being that rock-solid wall of support and instead join them in their space. If they feel like a small child crying, scared in the corner of their bedroom, imagine what that feels like.
That’s true empathy, being right there with them, not discounting or invalidating anything they’re saying, believing them completely because you’re present in that space with them.
You don’t have to stay in that space forever. Just visit long enough for them to feel understood and less alone. Eventually, you can metaphorically hold hands, walk out together, and experience something new and better.
