When you’re needy and fearful of someone leaving you, or something ending, you tend to miss all the best moments of life.
Fear of abandonment can dominate your thoughts causing you to miss out on happiness and fulfillment. When you grow beyond that fear, you might actually start enjoying life again.
I received an email from someone struggling with insecurities in his current marriage. He told me about his ex-wife leaving him years ago, and how that experience left him with a deep fear of abandonment that he’s carrying into his new relationship.
The author described himself as needy and fearful, constantly questioning whether his wife still loves him, constantly checking in to make sure she’s not going to leave. He knows this behavior is problematic, but he can’t seem to stop himself.
This resonated with me because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to carry emotional baggage from one relationship into the next. I know what it’s like to let fear dictate your behavior, to constantly seek reassurance, to weaken your position in a relationship because you’re operating from a place of insecurity rather than confidence.
The Problem with Constant Reassurance-Seeking
When you’re constantly asking your partner if they still love you, if they’re going to leave, if everything’s okay between you, you’re not actually getting the reassurance you think you’re getting. You might hear “yes, I love you” or “no, I’m not going to leave,” but those words don’t sink in because your fear is louder than their reassurance.
What you’re actually doing is weakening your position in the relationship. You’re showing up as insecure, as needy, as someone who doesn’t trust their partner’s commitment. And here’s the thing: that constant questioning can actually create the very thing you’re afraid of. It can push your partner away because nobody wants to constantly prove their love and commitment over and over again.
The person who wrote to me mentioned that his wife is a fighter, that she doesn’t back down easily. He said this in a way that suggested he appreciates that quality in her. But then he also mentioned using a “whatever” attitude when she gets upset about things, essentially dismissing her feelings. That’s a dangerous pattern because even though she might not show it immediately, resentment builds. When you dismiss someone’s feelings repeatedly, when you minimize what matters to them, you’re creating distance in the relationship.
I’ve done this myself. I’ve been the person who said “whatever” or brushed off my partner’s concerns because I didn’t want to deal with conflict or I thought the issue was minor. But what I learned is that “whatever” is one of the most relationship-damaging words you can use. It tells the other person that what they care about doesn’t matter to you. It tells them you’re not willing to engage, to listen, to take them seriously.
Ask Questions Instead of Making Assumptions
One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is assuming we know what our partner is thinking or feeling. We create entire narratives in our heads about what they meant by a certain comment, why they acted a certain way, whether they’re upset with us. And then we respond to those assumptions as if they’re facts.
The person who wrote to me is doing this. He’s assuming his wife might leave him, assuming she might stop loving him, assuming that because his ex-wife left, this wife will too. But he’s not actually asking her direct questions about what she needs, what she wants, how she’s feeling about the relationship.
When you ask questions instead of making assumptions, you get clarity. You get actual information instead of the stories your fear creates. If you’re worried about something in your relationship, ask about it. If you’re confused about your partner’s behavior, ask them to explain it. If you want to know what they need from you, ask them directly.
I learned this the hard way in my own relationships. I used to create entire scenarios in my head about what my partner was thinking or feeling, and then I’d react to those scenarios. I’d get defensive or withdrawn or needy based on something I completely made up. When I finally started asking direct questions and actually listening to the answers, my relationships improved dramatically.
The Masculine and Feminine Dynamic
This might sound old-fashioned or controversial, but it’s what I’ve observed in successful relationships (and on my own experience): There’s a dynamic between masculine and feminine energy that, when balanced, creates a really strong foundation.
I’m not talking about gender roles or saying men have to be one way and women have to be another. I’m talking about energy. Masculine energy is about direction, decisiveness, taking action, providing stability. Feminine energy is about flow, emotion, creativity, receptivity. We all have both energies within us, but in relationships, there’s often a natural dynamic where one person tends to lead more with masculine energy and the other with feminine energy.
When I was being needy and insecure in my past relationships, I was operating from a weak masculine position. I was looking to my partner to provide the stability and direction that I should have been providing. I was constantly seeking reassurance, constantly checking in, constantly questioning. That’s not masculine energy. That’s fearful energy.
What I learned is that when I showed up with strength, with confidence, with the ability to make decisions and provide direction, my partner felt safer. She could relax into her feminine energy because she trusted that I had things handled. And that doesn’t mean I controlled everything or made all the decisions. It means I was solid. I was reliable. I didn’t need constant reassurance because I was confident in myself and in the relationship.
I remember a pivotal moment in my last relationship where my partner said something that really stuck with me. She told me that when I’m confident and decisive, when I take charge of situations without being controlling, she feels more attracted to me and more secure in the relationship. But when I’m wishy-washy or constantly seeking her approval, it makes her feel like she has to be the strong one, and that’s exhausting for her.
That was a wake-up call. I realized that my insecurity wasn’t just affecting me. It was affecting her and the entire dynamic of our relationship. When I started showing up with more strength, not aggressive strength but calm, confident strength, everything shifted. She became softer. She was more affectionate. She trusted me more. And ironically, when I stopped seeking reassurance, I got more of it naturally.
Destressing Your Partner Destresses the Relationship as a Whole
One of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship is identify what stresses your partner out and take action to alleviate those stressors. This isn’t about fixing all their problems or rescuing them. It’s about being proactive and showing that you’re paying attention to what makes their life harder.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. My partner had been dealing with a frustrating tech support issue for weeks. Every time she had to call them, she’d come away angry and stressed because they weren’t solving the problem. I could see how much it was affecting her mood, how much mental energy it was taking up.
So one day, I told her I’d handle it. I called the tech support line myself, dealt with the runaround, stayed on the phone for however long it took, and got the issue resolved. When I told her it was done, the relief on her face was immediate. She didn’t have to think about it anymore. She didn’t have to psych herself up for another frustrating phone call. I had taken that burden off her plate.
That’s what I’m talking about. It’s identifying the things that drain your partner’s energy and taking initiative to handle them when you can. Maybe it’s dealing with a difficult customer service call, maybe it’s taking care of a household task they’ve been dreading, maybe it’s researching solutions to a problem they’re facing. Whatever it is, when you take action without being asked, when you show that you’re thinking about their well-being and actively working to make their life easier, you build trust and appreciation.
The person who wrote to me mentioned that his wife gets aggressive sometimes, that she’s a fighter. I’d be willing to bet that some of that aggression comes from feeling overwhelmed or stressed about things he could help with. When someone feels like they have to fight for everything, when they feel like they’re carrying too much on their own, they can become defensive and combative. But when they feel supported, when they see their partner taking initiative to lighten their load, that aggression often softens.
Living in the Present Instead of the Feared Future
The biggest issue with fear of abandonment is that it keeps you from being present in your relationship. You’re so worried about what might happen in the future, so focused on the possibility of loss, that you can’t enjoy what you have right now.
The person who wrote to me is doing this. He’s so afraid his wife will leave that he can’t fully experience the relationship he’s in. He’s constantly checking, constantly questioning, constantly looking for signs that she’s pulling away. But what he’s missing is that she’s still there. She married him. She chose him. She’s in the relationship right now.
I’ve been in that space where I was so afraid of losing someone that I couldn’t be present with them. I’d be sitting next to my partner, but in my head, I’d be playing out scenarios of her leaving, imagining how devastated I’d be, trying to prepare myself for the pain. And you know what that did? It robbed me of the actual moments I had with her. It created distance because I wasn’t fully there. I was protecting myself from a future that hadn’t happened and might never happen.
When I finally learned to be present, when I stopped projecting into the future and started focusing on what was actually happening in the moment, my relationships became so much richer. I could connect more deeply. I could be more authentic. I could actually enjoy the person I was with instead of constantly bracing for loss.
If you’re constantly worried about your partner leaving, you’re already experiencing the loss you’re afraid of. You’re already creating distance. You’re already not fully in the relationship. So you might as well take the risk of being present, of being vulnerable, of trusting that what you have is real and solid right now.
And if it doesn’t work out, if the relationship does end, you’ll deal with it then. But at least you’ll know you showed up fully. You’ll know you experienced the relationship for what it was instead of what you feared it might become. You’ll have no regrets about holding back or protecting yourself at the expense of real connection.
Inner Strength Makes for a Solid Foundation in Both You and the Relationship
The person who wrote to me needs to work on his inner strength. He needs to address his fear of abandonment not by seeking constant reassurance from his wife, but by building confidence in himself. He needs to know that even if the worst happened, even if she did leave, he would be okay. Not happy about it, not unaffected by it, but okay. He would survive. He would rebuild. He would move forward.
When you have that foundation of inner strength, when you know you can handle whatever life throws at you, you stop operating from fear. You stop being needy. You stop weakening your position in the relationship by constantly seeking proof that your partner won’t leave.
I had to do this work myself, facing my own fears of abandonment and rejection. I had to build my confidence from the inside out instead of relying on my partner to make me feel secure. And that meant doing things that scared me. It also meant being honest about my needs and boundaries even when I was afraid it might push my partner away. And finally, it especially meant risking rejection to be authentic.
I remember telling my partner early in our relationship that I needed certain things to feel secure and connected. I was terrified she’d think I was too needy or too demanding. But I said it anyway because I knew that if I didn’t, I’d end up resentful or I’d sabotage the relationship with my unspoken expectations. And you know what happened? She appreciated my honesty. She told me that knowing what I needed made it easier for her to show up for me in the ways that mattered.
That’s the paradox. When you’re strong enough to be vulnerable, when you’re confident enough to express your needs without being needy about it, you actually create more security in the relationship. Your partner knows where you stand. They know what you need. They can choose to meet those needs or not, but at least there’s clarity and honesty.
The person who wrote to me needs to start expressing what he needs from his wife in a direct, confident way instead of constantly asking if she still loves him. Instead of “Do you still love me?” he could say “I need more physical affection” or “I need us to have regular check-ins about how we’re both feeling about the relationship.” Those are specific, actionable requests that his wife can respond to. They show strength and self-awareness instead of insecurity and neediness.
The Power of Authentic Communication
I want to emphasize something that’s become a cornerstone of my own relationships: authenticity and honesty create trust and intimacy in ways that nothing else can. When you’re truthful about your feelings, your fears, your boundaries, your desires, you give your partner the opportunity to really know you. And when they really know you, when they see all of you and still choose to be with you, that’s when you can start to believe in the relationship’s stability.
But if you’re hiding parts of yourself, if you’re pretending to be okay when you’re not and if you’re agreeing to things you don’t actually want, you never get that reassurance. You never know if your partner loves the real you or just the version you’re presenting.
I used to hide my insecurities and fears from my partners because I thought showing them would make me less attractive and less desirable. But what I found is that hiding them just created more anxiety. I was constantly worried about being found out, constantly maintaining this facade of having it all together. And when my partners inevitably saw through the facade, when they saw my insecurities and fears anyway, I felt exposed and ashamed.
When I started being upfront about my struggles, when I started saying “I’m feeling insecure about this” or “I’m afraid of that,” something shifted. My partners didn’t see me as weak. They saw me as honest. They appreciated that I trusted them enough to be vulnerable. And that vulnerability created intimacy that I’d never experienced when I was trying to appear perfect.
The person who wrote to me needs to be honest with his wife about his fear of abandonment. Not in a needy way, not in a constant reassurance-seeking way, but in an authentic way. He could say something like “I’m working through some fears from my past relationship, and sometimes they affect how I show up in this relationship. I want you to know I’m aware of it and I’m working on it.”
That’s honest! That’s self-aware, and it gives his wife context for his behavior without making it her responsibility to fix.
When you’re authentic in your communication, when you’re honest about who you are and what you’re going through, you build character. You build trust. You show your partner that they can count on you to tell them the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. And that reliability, that consistency, is what creates long-term security in relationships.
The path forward for the person who wrote to me is clear:
He needs to stop seeking constant reassurance and start building his own confidence.
He needs to ask direct questions instead of making assumptions.
He needs to show up with strength and take initiative to support his wife.
He needs to be present in the relationship instead of constantly worrying about losing it.
And he needs to be authentic and honest about his fears while working to overcome them.
These aren’t easy changes to make. They require self-awareness, courage, and consistent effort. But they’re the changes that transform relationships from anxious and unstable to secure and fulfilling. When you do this work, when you address your own insecurities and fears instead of expecting your partner to constantly soothe them, you create the foundation for a relationship that can weather anything.
