When you’re in a situation that needs to change, but you’re too afraid to take a stand or just hope it changes on its own, you may be waiting forever.
Unfortunately, waiting for changes can often involve exposing yourself to a toxic environment, causing long-term emotional damage.
If you want change, you might have to take a big scary step to get it.
A lot was happening in the world when I created this episode. There was COVID, first of all. And do you remember all the Black Lives Matter protests dominating the news?
Protests can be powerful. First, it’s a huge investment of time and energy. Second, it can be really scary to be out there as someone who wants to see change and face opposers.
Going up against authority figures while spreading a message and trying to make change is incredibly difficult. Sometimes, change requires massive, scary steps.
For protesters, that scary step might mean facing an authority figure who’s pepper-spraying them. That’s terrifying. Nobody wants to face that. And there were even worse things happening at protests beyond pepper spray, yet people were still taking the risk.
They were putting themselves in harm’s way, knowing they could be injured, hurt, or exposed on national television. Getting yourself out there in the public eye can be a powerful catalyst for change. We take these risks because change matters.
Looking at what has happened on a global scale can help us understand how to apply similar principles at a local level in our own lives. The comparison between protesters and your personal change might seem vastly different, but maybe not, depending on your situation.
If you treat the changes you need to make in your life as a cause worth fighting for, you might find more energy, confidence, and willingness to do what it takes.
Think about relationships you’ve had where taking a bigger step toward change could have resolved things sooner. Whether it was a bad relationship, toxic people, or a difficult life situation, sometimes we need to take those big, scary steps – steps toward something different or some change you want in your life.
The changes we want often don’t come naturally or easily. They take effort and willpower. Sometimes, they require healing, especially when we’re in situations we’re dependent on, even though they’re not good for us.
Looking at toxic relationships, like my mom’s decades-long relationship she had with my stepfather, shows how difficult taking that big, scary step toward change can be. She kept hoping and waiting for him to change, as he was highly dysfunctional and scary to be around. But he was deeply dependent on her. When he drank and passed out, she would take care of him and handle everything. He wasn’t capable of doing many things on his own, so she would step in.
His dependency made him want to stay with her, never wanting to leave. For him to make a change, that would release her from being his caretaker. Surprisingly, one day, he did leave, and my mom’s life improved dramatically. She’s much happier and in a different relationship now.
Thinking about all the time she waited, over forty years, I can understand how her taking the steps to change was probably too scary for her. Maybe if she had treated making a change as being something bigger than herself, something more important than even her own fears, perhaps then she could have taken that step?
Maybe not. In an abusive relationship, change can be even harder. I understand what a tall order that would be. It’s enormous to expect someone to take such a scary step into what feels like a void or complete unknown.
For years, I would tell my mom, “Why don’t you just leave him? Get a divorce? Come live with me. I’ll help you through this.” I kept saying that until I realized it was creating a rift between us and wasn’t helping at all.
While I believed my suggestions were good and could have been helpful, she wasn’t prepared to take that step. She was operating from a place of fear. To her, leaving seemed scary and dangerous. Everything she imagined might happen, she believed would happen.
When your entire belief system is built around expecting the worst possible outcome, it’s nearly impossible to see past that fear. This is why making something bigger than yourself can be so powerful. A protest is bigger than any one individual, yet it’s about each and every individual in the protest. They understand that alone, it’s hard to create change unless you take a stand.
When you want to see change in your life, sometimes taking a stand becomes necessary.
Whether it’s getting someone to stop disrespecting you or wanting your boss to stop mistreating you, you might have to take a stand. In a job situation, that could mean quitting. It could also mean standing up to that person, risking your job, or even looking foolish in front of coworkers.
Are you willing to risk getting fired or humiliated in front of your entire workplace because your integrity and character matter more than your fear?
For me, my integrity is more valuable than what might happen if I stand up for myself in situations like that. Yes, that could mean telling my boss they are being disrespectful and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. And yes, that could mean they fire me.
Often, we become so identified with our fears that they define who we are. “I am afraid of consequences” becomes our identity, and we get completely enmeshed in worrying about what might happen.
When you’re being mistreated or disrespected, sometimes you need to step outside yourself and see that person, that “you” over there who needs someone to stand up for them, like seeing yourself from a distance.
I experienced this when my stepfather showed up at my mom’s house after their separation. In those nanoseconds of deciding whether to let him in or default to my fearful, child-like state of compliance as I had done so many times in the past, I had to make a choice. Was I going to be that little boy who was always afraid of him? Can I be an adult and face the consequences of standing up for my mom and myself?
In that moment, I disconnected from myself and saw that scared little child – me – with all the fears he’d carried throughout his life about his stepfather. Seeing that little me standing there, all I wanted was to protect him. I, as the adult, needed to stand up for him because he was so afraid. My inner child had been so afraid for so long.
That’s what I mean by disconnecting and seeing yourself “over there,” telling yourself, “No, I won’t let this happen. I’m going to stand up for you because you are more important. I’m going to stop this right here, right now. What’s happening here is bigger than your fear.”
When something becomes so important that you can’t not do it, that’s when real change happens.
The other person may never change, but by standing up for yourself, you make it less about what you fear and more about the changes you want to see in your own world – in your immediate vicinity, your family, and your friendships. As Gandhi might say, you become the change you want to see in the world.
The best approach is stepping outside of your own fear, though I know that sounds easier said than done. When you make something bigger than yourself, recognizing that what’s happening now will continue whether you’re there or not, you will know without a doubt something needs to change.
In fact, whatever is happening in your life is likely happening in someone else’s, too. For some, that’s when it can feel more compelling to take a stand, not just to protect yourself but to protect others. This makes it about more than just you. When you frame changes around a greater cause, much of your fear might diminish.
The fear doesn’t completely disappear, of course. Sometimes, you’re still terrified but choose to act anyway. Looking back at my own life, there were countless times I wanted to speak up to my boss, a family member, or a stranger, but fear held me back.
Today, I think, “Why didn’t I do that?” I don’t regret not doing it, but it took me years to realize that facing my fears rarely leads to the catastrophic outcomes I imagined they would.
Every time I’ve faced my fears, honored my boundaries, or spoken up, completely believing it would lead to anger, yelling, or worse, the terrible consequences I imagined never materialized. That’s not to say nothing bad could ever happen when we do this (we have to stay grounded in reality), but remember that, yes, consequences could happen, but we may have to take that big, scary step anyway if we want things to change.
Taking a stand even though you’re afraid of the consequences is what gets you outside yourself. That’s what makes it bigger than you. That’s how you outgrow your current self into the person and life you want to live.
The truth is, sometimes, you need to take those big, scary steps to create change. If you are in a terrible relationship, you might need to say, “I’m sick of how you treat me. This behavior is unacceptable, and I’m done with it.”
Of course, I don’t suggest saying this to a violent or aggressive person. You still have to pick your battles wisely. But whether you stay or go in a relationship like that, you must remember to honor yourself and be bigger than your fears so you can protect yourself, live with integrity, and be proud of who you are.
There are times when it’s better to stand up and face a possible loss than do nothing and live in fear or unhappiness.
My Problems Are Too Big To Change
Most of us yearn for peace and joy. Or, at minimum, just a feeling of comfort. When something stressful remains unchanged in your life, persistently draining you, that’s when it might be time to take a stand. This could mean doing something you’ve never done before, standing up for yourself in ways that feel completely foreign to you.
If you’re in a situation that feels too dangerous to confront, you need to question why you’re there at all. When faced with an environment where taking a stand feels impossible due to danger, what’s keeping you there?
How do you address something that feels bigger than yourself? You grow to match it.
Coming back to those who protest what they are fed up with. They unite, amplify their voices, and clearly communicate the changes they want to see. They hold people accountable and refuse to back down until change happens.
Imagine applying that same determination to your personal life, standing up for yourself, your loved ones, your family, or your friends? Think about bringing a protest level of commitment to the changes you want to see in your immediate world.
Making significant changes almost always requires taking big, scary steps. But once you take those steps, transformation happens almost immediately, not because others change but because you feel different inside. You develop an unwillingness to settle for anything less than the changes you want to see in your life. That internal shift is what makes all the difference.
When you finally stand up for yourself, you might not see immediate external changes, but you’ll feel the difference within yourself. That’s where real transformation begins: when you refuse to accept anything less than what you deserve.
Taking those big, scary steps isn’t always about making a dramatic move. Sometimes, it’s simply about standing up for yourself. When you honor yourself, express your needs, and establish what’s acceptable and what’s not, each action becomes a step toward better mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.
The physical toll is real because fighting against systems, especially your own internal system, is exhausting. When you want to accomplish something but face obstacles, it drains you on every level.
An email I received perfectly illustrates this challenge. It was about someone who was excelling at their job, a workplace rock star whom people relied on for guidance and ideas. But when a new manager created a toxic environment, everything changed. The workload became impossible. Rushing led to mistakes, and ethical concerns arose. They were flailing and burning out.
There finally came a breaking point, so they decided to leave instead of addressing the toxicity. Leaving without another job felt incredibly risky, especially given their financial situation, but they realized staying was impossible.
Now, they’re dealing with the aftermath of leaving a toxic environment and having to deal with another challenging situation at a new job. They’ve lost their confidence. They have difficulty making decisions. They have trouble engaging with others. They even go to the bathroom to cry because they don’t like their situation.
This can happen when we’re forced to make those big, scary choices, even when we know they’re necessary. The emotional impact can be devastating, shaking our confidence and making us question our competence, even in familiar territory. It’s not just about leaving a toxic situation. It’s about rebuilding yourself after being worn down by circumstances that went against your values and well-being.
The anger this person has toward the previous manager is natural because the manager essentially forced them to leave a job they loved. But it leads you to wonder what would have happened if, instead of leaving, they approached the manager and talked to them about the situation. That could also be risky! But standing up for yourself means making those difficult choices, even when they feel impossible, because the alternative might be losing yourself entirely.
The person who wrote to me ended up quitting, and now they are unhappy in their new position. Taking the chance to stay in their old position and confronting the manager may have actually changed the environment. Or maybe not. But they’ll never know now that they’ve left. Again, it’s risky. But the point of this article is to raise awareness that some risks may be worth taking.
When you experience something negative and then enter a similar situation, all those past associations flood back in. It’s like getting out of a bad relationship where you saw clear red flags, then entering a new relationship where normal behaviors trigger those old fears. You put up walls, afraid to be vulnerable, protecting yourself from potential hurt that may never come.
Being stuck in the past means you’re constantly questioning if history will repeat itself. Will you get hurt again? Will you have to resign again? These emotional triggers we carry from old situations color everything new, even when the circumstances are different.
Looking at this person’s situation, there was likely a crucial moment when they chose not to speak up about ethical concerns. Instead of voicing their discomfort, they tried to push through each day, hoping the manager would eventually leave. By choosing to stay in that toxic environment rather than risk their job, they unknowingly absorbed that toxicity, and now it’s affecting their new position.
The longer you tolerate behavior that conflicts with your values, the more it seeps into you. It becomes harder to shake off and inevitably bleeds into future situations. Now, they’re dealing with what amounts to post-traumatic stress from their previous job, trying to perform well while carrying that heavy emotional burden.
When faced with toxic situations, whether in relationships, jobs, or larger social issues, you have two choices: continue being exposed to it or take a stand, even at personal cost. Making that stand is frightening, and not everyone can do it, but staying silent often leads to worse outcomes. The toxicity doesn’t just stay in that situation. It becomes a part of you, affecting your emotional and mental health, sometimes causing nightmares, and creating lasting trauma.
Not honoring yourself in these moments means carrying that weight forward, letting it poison your future experiences and relationships. The damage compounds until you find yourself emotionally ill, just like this person who now cries in bathroom stalls at their new job.
The Long-Term Effect of Long-Term Exposure to Bad Circumstances
The feelings of incompetence and self-doubt that emerge from toxic situations can be paralyzing. When you’re constantly worried about making mistakes or facing harsh reactions, it creates a cycle of fear that’s hard to break. But letting these situations continue without speaking up only allows them to take deeper root, gradually changing who you are and how you show up in life.
Think of it like radiation exposure. It’s a perfect metaphor for how toxic environments affect us. Whether it’s a bad relationship or a negative work situation, this “radiation” seeps into every aspect of your life. You can’t just put on a protective suit because you’re immersed in it daily, surrounded by these harmful influences.
You’re left with two choices: either remove yourself from the source of toxicity, or stand up and address it directly. This might mean saying, “When you speak to me that way, it feels disrespectful,” or “I don’t have the resources to handle both projects. We need to prioritize.”
Yes, these conversations are scary. The fear of consequences is real. But consider the alternative: staying in situations where you’re constantly overloaded, where unrealistic demands become a pattern rather than an exception. Continuing to use difficulty at work as our example, when someone keeps piling on work that can’t possibly be completed within the given timeframe, it’s not just about one difficult weekend. It’s about a systematic disregard for boundaries.
Standing up might mean saying, “I need to take something off my plate to handle this properly.” It’s about choosing between temporary discomfort and long-term radiation exposure that slowly erodes your confidence, well-being, and sense of self.
Taking that stand for yourself is terrifying, especially knowing your boss might say, “If you can’t handle it, I’ll find someone who can.”
Yes, you might lose your job. That’s a real possibility and a serious consideration. But sometimes, this is the sacrifice needed to preserve your mental health and prevent carrying emotional damage into your future.
When situations or people are this toxic, or radioactive, as I like to call it, you face a clear choice:
Take a stand to protect yourself or accept that this poison will continue seeping into your life, affecting everything that comes after.
Looking at this person’s struggle with having trouble making decisions, speaking up in meetings, engaging with others, worrying about appearing incompetent, and crying in the bathroom—these are classic signs of carrying past trauma into a new environment. The first practical step toward healing is getting crystal clear about what you can and cannot do efficiently.
To the person who wrote that email: Start by identifying tasks you know you can handle well. Maybe it’s creating spreadsheets and reports – if you can do that efficiently, own that capability within yourself. Begin with acknowledging even small competencies. “I’m good at sharpening pencils” might seem trivial, but it’s a starting point. Make that declaration to yourself: “I’m good at that.” No matter what.
Create a list of everything you do well, then keep it in front of your mind at work. When someone assigns you a task that matches your strengths, remind yourself: “I’m good at that.”
When self-doubt creeps in, push back with that same affirmation: “No, I’m good at that.”
This isn’t about pretending. It’s about recognizing and owning your genuine capabilities. When we start playing out those “what if” scenarios in our mind—what if they don’t like it, what if they say I did it wrong, what if it took too long—we’re letting doubt fester and grow. That’s when we need to catch ourselves and remember: “No, I’m good at this.”
If someone doesn’t like your work, that doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means it wasn’t to their liking. You can respond with confidence: “I did a good job on this, but I’m happy to adjust it to better match what you’re looking for.”
This isn’t being confrontational. It’s standing in your competence while remaining open to feedback. The key is separating their preferences from your abilities. When changes are needed, approach it with: “What specifically needs to be fixed?” Don’t internalize it as a personal failure. Even if you made an actual mistake, that doesn’t diminish your overall capability.
Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how you recover from them that matters.
Like my partner, a musician, says: what defines a good musician isn’t playing perfectly, it’s how they recover from their mistakes. The recovery shows your true skill. Nobody performs flawlessly all the time. We all make mistakes, whether two, three, or ten of them. The response should be, “Whoops, I’ll fix that,” not, “I must not be good enough.”
Save the self-criticism for when you actually deserve it, like when you get lazy and half-do something, hoping no one notices. That’s different from making honest mistakes while putting in your best effort. This is why creating a list of what you’re good at—or even great at—is so important. It becomes your foundation of confidence when doubts try to creep in.
If you’re deliberately choosing not to do something or putting in minimal effort, that’s a different story. Maybe it means the job isn’t right for you, or you’re just not passionate about being there. Those are legitimate concerns worth examining.
Let me share something about podcasting, an area where I know I’m skilled. I produce multiple episodes weekly. And guess what? I make mistakes in every single one. You don’t hear them because I edit them out: the coughs, hiccups, yawns, all of it. The final product sounds polished because it’s pre-recorded and edited.
Sometimes, listeners point out when I’ve said something incorrectly. When that happens, I acknowledge it: “Oh, they caught me. I was wrong.” But I don’t spiral into self-loathing or feel incompetent because I know, fundamentally, I’m good at what I do.
That’s the mindset you need to cultivate. Tell yourself, “In general, I am good at this.” Then, confidently submit your work, knowing it represents your capabilities. If someone doesn’t like it, that’s not a reflection of your competence or skills. It simply means it wasn’t what they were looking for. Their preferences don’t define your abilities.
This confidence comes from knowing your strengths while accepting that perfection isn’t the goal. You can maintain high standards without letting criticism shake your core belief in your capabilities. When you know you’re good at something, you can handle feedback without it becoming a referendum on your worth.
When someone uses words meant to hurt or insult you, that’s precisely when you need to stand up for yourself: “Look, there’s no need to be insulting. I’m good at this. If you want something different, I’m happy to redo it, but you need to step back because what you said is disrespectful. I don’t deserve that. I worked hard on this, and I’ll gladly do it again with your specific requirements.”
Yes, this comment might carry risk. You might lose something. There might be consequences. But this is exactly what you need to start doing: owning your competence. When your boss or coworkers say, “This looks terrible,” respond with confidence: “I know I’m good at this, so let’s look at what needs to change because, clearly, your expectations differ from what I provided.”
Building this confidence takes work, but that’s why you need to own what you’re good at. When someone says you’re bad at something, you can calmly respond: “No, it’s probably just different from what you expected. Let’s review it together. We can write down exactly what you want, and I’ll revise it accordingly.”
Sure, this is an idealized scenario with many possible variables. The core message remains: standing up for yourself carries risk. You might get fired. You might get yelled at. But we need to change these emotional triggers from our past. If our responses always default to fear, we’re operating from that fear. And that’s exactly what needs to change.
The key to changing our fear response is building self-trust before we’re in challenging situations. Think about emotionally abusive relationships. They often lead us to doubt ourselves and mistrust our instincts. Instead of staying in that doubt, look back at your life and ask:
Where did I make good decisions? Before this relationship or job, what was I good at?
Remember the times when you trusted yourself most. Write down what you did well. Start rebuilding that belief in yourself. Yes, it’s a process. It means making hard decisions, knowing you could be wrong but making them anyway.
When you’re right, really let that sink in. When you’re wrong, face it directly. Each decision reinforces your trust in yourself.
Making confident decisions, even with the risk of being wrong, is stepping into your power.
It’s scary at first, but as you practice, you rebuild that confidence and trust in yourself. Eventually, you realize you’re not broken or incompetent. You’re just dealing with other people’s stuff: their emotional triggers, their communication issues, their inability to look inward.
Watch out for people who walk around with superiority, trying to control and manipulate others. They’re the ones who need more help, though they may not realize it. Our job is to make sure we don’t absorb their issues and make them our own.
Remember, you’re the only person you can truly count on 24/7. Yes, others can support us. But what happens when they’re not there? You need someone who will always stand up for you and take care of you, even at the risk of sacrifice and loss. When you make yourself the most important thing in your life, you stop allowing others to trample upon it.
Think of something in your life you wish was different, a situation where taking a stand would meet resistance but could change your circumstances. What would you do or say? Don’t stop at “I can’t do that” or “It would cause problems.” Take it to the limit.
Consider a scenario where your boss constantly disrespects you in front of others. You might want to say, “I’m happy to do this job and get reports to you on time, but don’t disrespect me in front of others or at all. I don’t deserve that.” Yes, you might think, “I’d love to say that, but I could get fired.”
Go through the entire scenario in your mind’s eye. What if you do get fired, then your partner yells at you, and you can’t afford your home and have to move out? What if you end up living in your car? Or maybe you lose your car. Maybe you end up on the streets! This is playing something out to the worst-case scenario.
Visualize this to the extreme. Imagine going through the act of standing up for yourself. Don’t just stop at “I’ll get fired” and shut down. Think through every detail.
And while you’re doing this critical thinking exercise, ask yourself: What else could happen?
We often get stuck in patterns, thinking there’s only one possible outcome, but there are always more. Maybe you get fired, but you end up finding a better job. Maybe your partner or friends and family end up actually supporting your decision. Maybe standing up for yourself leads to some other positive, unexpected respect.
Don’t limit yourself to one narrative. Explore all possibilities, both challenging and promising. Explore what else could happen beyond just, say, getting fired if it’s a work thing. Maybe your boss looks at you differently and says, “I didn’t realize I was being insulting. I’m sorry.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Yeah, right, that would never happen.” But play it out anyway. Play out what happens afterward, too. Maybe they acknowledge their disrespectful behavior and commit to stopping. Then, the next morning, instead of being yelled at in front of everyone, they bring you into their office and hold a private conversation instead. Perhaps they’re even still somewhat disrespectful, but now behind closed doors. And that feels different… better maybe.
Consider alternatives. Let’s say you speak up about not wanting to be disrespected in front of colleagues. What other possibilities could unfold? Maybe they’ll yell even louder. Maybe they’ll become even more disrespectful, pointing you out to everyone individually.
But then what? Visualize what would happen even after that.
The key to this kind of visualization is breaking out of your usual thought patterns and considering scenarios you wouldn’t normally imagine. It could unfold as a series of positive events, a mix of good and bad, or even all bad. But follow each possibility to its conclusion.
Here’s the reality: Often, 80% of potential outcomes are positive, and only 20% are negative. But we get so fixated on that 20% that we freeze. We don’t stand up, we don’t honor ourselves, and nothing changes. Then, we carry that toxic pattern into our next job, relationship, or situation. And what we don’t address persists.
Think about something you want to change, a situation where you’re afraid to speak up because you’re certain it won’t work or will end badly. Take that visualization to its absolute limit. By doing this, you break free from that tight box of thinking where you’re convinced you know the outcome. When you believe so strongly that something will end badly, you never explore other possibilities or consequences.
This visualization process primes your mind for reality. It opens you up subconsciously to multiple possibilities and prepares you emotionally. By fully immersing yourself in these scenarios, you’ll actually experience the emotions as if they were happening, like feeling the pain of getting fired or facing a difficult conversation.
The whole point of this exercise is that when you experience these emotions in your mind, and survive them, you are prepared for almost anything. And you’re no longer caught off guard because you’ve already walked through various outcomes.
This isn’t just planning ahead. It’s expanding your mind beyond that one feared outcome you’ve been fixated on.
This practice builds confidence and decision-making skills. When you finally face that moment of standing up for yourself, the words will flow naturally. You won’t need to rehearse exactly what to say because your subconscious mind has already done the work through this priming process.
From my personal experience, when I’ve done this visualization work and then stood up for myself for real, it never played out as badly as the worst-case scenario I envisioned. In fact, every time I honored myself, things worked out better, all because I made myself important and validated my own worth. I chose to care enough about myself to risk what might be sacrificed or compromised by doing so.
Obviously, no one can guarantee it will work out exactly as you want. But when you honor yourself, you feel better internally. You feel validated. You feel important. And you did all that yourself.
