Some people do not want to forgive and forget. If you’ve ever wronged someone, felt guilty about it, and apologized, but they weren’t able to let it go, will there ever be a chance to make up with them and move on?
When someone is stuck in the past of what you did to them or what they perceived you did to them, they may believe making up is impossible, and you will be the “bad guy” forever.
In this article, I want to address a message I received from someone who reached out to me about feeling guilty for how they raised their now-adult daughter. They used a restrictive, disciplinary approach, including corporal punishment. While they weren’t specific about the details, they now regret their actions.
As their daughter has grown, she’s exhibiting challenging behaviors, including physical abuse.
Please note: There’s a connection between corporal punishment and physical abuse, but I won’t debate that here. I remember being spanked a couple of times as a child. It felt normal then, but I hated it and feared getting in trouble. For my generation, this type of discipline was common. However, attitudes have shifted. Many people now oppose physical punishment, and if I were to raise a child today, I wouldn’t use it myself. That doesn’t mean those who have used it are bad people. It’s just that societal norms have changed, and in some countries, it’s even illegal.
The person who contacted me is struggling with guilt and trying to move past it. They’re dealing with an adult child who is emotionally and physically abusive, possibly toward both parents (I didn’t get clarity on that).
Their daughter still lives with them, so they are considering asking her to leave their home, which makes them feel terrible because it echoes the threats they made to her when she was younger, making her feel as if she was bad, she’d be kicked out of the house to live on her own.
Today, they find themselves in a difficult position, about to follow through on what sounds like old threats from the past, even though they no longer want to be those strict disciplinarians they once were. But given the circumstances, they’re wondering if they have any other choice.
They can’t change the past, but now they’re facing the consequences of the discipline they handed out to their child when the child was younger. Their now adult child is exhibiting abusive behaviors toward the parents, creating a role reversal of sorts.
This highlights how children often look to their parents as role models. That can be both a problem and a benefit because kids tend to mirror our best and worst qualities. They learn from their experiences and the adults in their lives, applying what they observe to their own behavior and interactions.
If you have a child or children and you raised them in a very strict way, don’t be surprised if they become similar to how you were with them later on in life.
However, it doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes, kids go in the opposite direction. Take my stepfather, for example. He played a big part in raising me when he was sober, but he drank a lot. As a result, I avoided alcohol for years and judged others who drank.
It took me until my early twenties to heal from my major distaste toward anyone who drank, finally realizing that alcohol itself wasn’t the issue – it was more about the person who drank it and their actions. I eventually learned that alcohol could be enjoyable in moderation, but it was a long journey to stop being so critical of others who drank.
That’s an example of how I went the opposite way from my role model stepfather because I wanted nothing to do with his behavior. But I did end up copying my mom’s people-pleasing, boundary-less approach, which led to dysfunction in my own life and relationships.
The point is, as children, we pick up on how the adults around us act and use those cues to figure out how to respond to the world and other people.
In the case of the person who wrote to me, their daughter is likely behaving in ways she learned from her parents’ restrictive discipline. It reminds me of my partner, Asha, whose parents were also very strict.
Asha was a “good girl” with good grades who followed the rules until her father refused to believe her about something important. She was telling the truth and being responsible, but he wouldn’t trust her.
That day, Asha decided that if he wasn’t going to believe her anyway, she might as well do what he accused her of. She figured she’d go have fun, break rules, and be promiscuous. Asha had been a “good girl” up until that moment when her father chose not to believe her and wouldn’t cut her any slack. That’s when everything changed for her.
I’ve witnessed this scenario play out many times. I know someone who grew up in a very religious household where everything had to revolve around their faith. Their teenage daughter wanted to explore the world and connect with others, but she was incredibly restricted. As a result, she ended up rebelling and going in the opposite direction.
I’ve seen this pattern with several people I grew up with. They came from strict households, often with strong religious beliefs, where the children faced huge limitations. They couldn’t seek experiences, friendships, or education outside what they were taught at home. This made them feel trapped, leading them to rebel and crave more worldly experiences.
Now, I’m not saying you’re wrong if you raise your child in a certain way. I’m just pointing out that this can happen. Sometimes, kids from strict homes turn out fine. In my case, I was raised with few rules, but breaking important ones led to punishment.
I often wonder if I had kids at a young age before I learned to heal myself, would I have treated them the same way I was treated? Would I have followed my dad’s example when they broke major rules? Would I have spanked them?
Probably! Because that’s what I was taught. But over time, I realized some of my parents’ methods weren’t always the best or healthiest, even though they came from a place of love and wanting to keep me on the right path.
I can see the pros and cons of different disciplinary approaches. But let’s address this person’s dilemma, starting with guilt. In my Healed Being program, I work with many emotionally abusive people who want to change. A common thread is the excessive shame and guilt they feel once they realize the harm they’ve caused.
These individuals often have an empathy breakthrough. They finally understand how their actions affect others, thinking, “If that were me, I’d feel terrible, too. No wonder they’re so upset.” This realization can be overwhelming.
I experienced this myself when I realized I was hurting my ex-wife through my judgmental behavior and by withholding affection. I didn’t even know I was causing harm; I thought she was responsible for her own feelings.
Of course, to an extent, that is true. But in an emotionally abusive relationship, the abuser exploits and takes advantage of a person’s emotions, draining the victim of their power and twisting their reality so they can’t even figure out which way is up.
I had a lot to learn back then. And unfortunately, the people we love sometimes suffer while we figure things out.
It’s tough to accept that I was once that person, but I did learn. I recognized my hurtful behaviors and knew I needed to change them. Empathy is crucial – putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagining how they feel.
Through my work, I’ve encountered many people who feel intense guilt and shame for their past actions. The person who wrote to me feels a lot of guilt about how she treated her daughter.
I’ve discussed guilt extensively in previous episodes. Click here for my other episodes on guilt.
Guilt is meant to be a fleeting emotion that transforms you into doing good, healthy, and loving things. It’s about something you did in the past, while love and support are present and future-focused.
Carrying guilt uses up so much energy that it takes away from being present and connected with the people in your life today.
I still have pangs of guilt about how I treated people in my past. These feelings are reminders of the person I used to be. I was hurtful in many ways but good and helpful in many ways, too. The times I wasn’t good, loving, or supportive are the times I need to make up for.
Guilt reminds us of the times we need to make up for. I prefer to move forward with love and support rather than staring in the rearview mirror. When I feel guilty, I amplify that love and support going forward. Some things may be hard to get over, but as you become wiser and smarter, you can choose not to repeat past mistakes.
I’ve been with my partner since 2014. And she experiences all the amplified feelings of my making up for past behaviors. I believe I’m in the best mental health of my life because I had to heal from who I used to be. Whenever I feel bad, ashamed, or guilty, I pay it forward positively. I give her what I never gave anyone else.
My ex-partners have moved on and seem happy in their current relationships. They’ve learned who to allow in their lives. I’m going to continue being the best version of myself for the people in my life today.
Asha benefits from my healing and growth. She’s glad I’m not that person anymore and has told me she’d leave if I were. She has strong boundaries and won’t let anyone mistreat her. I love and admire that about her.
If you’re dealing with someone you’ve hurt in the past, there’s a timeline for healing and making amends. It’s about figuring out how to heal, work through guilt, and navigate the consequences of past actions. This process can be especially challenging in long-term relationships, like the person who wrote to me about her 20-year relationship with her daughter.
I’ve talked about guilt before, but it’s worth mentioning again because it’s a real issue that doesn’t just disappear. It serves as a reminder of past actions. Let me share an excerpt from one of the lessons in the Healed Being program about what to expect when they start healing and changing their behaviors:
“When someone who’s been emotionally abusive stops their harmful actions, it gives the person they’ve been hurting a sense of freedom, maybe for the first time. It’s like being released from an emotional prison. This prison has held back everything they’ve wanted to say or do because they feared the consequences.
“In these situations, people often suppress their thoughts and feelings to survive the relationship. But when they’re finally set free, all that built-up pressure has a chance to come out without the fear of past consequences.“
The mom who wrote to me said that her daughter is lashing out, expressing years of pent-up feelings. The mom understands why it’s happening, but she’s struggling to handle it. She says it’s impossible to have rational conversations with her daughter, even when things are calm.
The daughter believes she’s the only victim and feels entitled to abuse her mom as she was abused as a child. The mom said the situation has gotten so bad that she and her husband are considering banning their daughter from their home for everyone’s safety.
This is a tough situation, similar to what emotionally abusive people face when they stop being abusive. They have to deal with the pent-up energy that’s been building in the person they’ve hurt. I usually tell them to expect this release of energy to last at least six months to a year.
In my experience, it takes about that long for the person who was hurt to feel like themselves again or to start reconnecting with who they are. After this time, they often don’t feel threatened anymore and may feel ready to start having “normal” conversations again with the person who hurt them.
Some relationships can make it through this period, while others can’t. When the relationships do work out, it’s because the person who was hurt wanted to heal, wanted to make the relationship work, and also put a lot of effort into healing themselves.
But not everyone wants to heal right away. Some people hold onto their anger and want to get back at the person who hurt them. It’s understandable. When you’ve been hurt for so long, you might not want to let the other person “get away with it.” You might want to hurt them back, to show them what they put you through.
That’s exactly what’s happening in this case. The child is striking back.
You Hurt Them. Now They Want to Hurt You
If you want to maintain a relationship with someone who’s been deeply hurt, you might need to give them space to express their pain for a while. This could mean allowing them to say hurtful things or act out their anger without consequences. It’s not about letting them harm you physically but rather creating a safe environment for them to release pent-up emotions.
When you give someone this freedom, it can help decrease the pressure they’ve been feeling. Their outbursts might become less intense over time, though there could be ups and downs in the process. By not resisting or defending yourself, you’re allowing them to express themselves fully.
You might think, “I don’t want to be yelled at or called names.” It’s understandable to feel that way. However, if you’re committed to salvaging the relationship, you may need to endure some difficult moments. This approach isn’t about accepting abuse but about giving them time to work through their emotions.
One helpful response when they lash out is to say, “I deserve that.” This can diffuse the situation and show that you’re not going to argue or defend yourself. You might not feel you deserve it, especially if their behavior seems worse than anything you’ve done, but that’s not the point. The goal is to let them release their repressed feelings.
This advice might sound counterintuitive or unhealthy. It’s not about subjecting yourself to punishment or abuse. Instead, it’s about creating an environment where the other person feels safe enough to express themselves without fear of consequences.
This approach is only recommended if you’re committed to preserving the relationship and improving it in the long run. Remember, this doesn’t mean accepting physical violence or extreme behavior. It’s about allowing verbal and emotional expression within reasonable boundaries. The hope is that by giving them this space, you can eventually build a healthier relationship.
If you disagree with my suggestion, I want to explain that I’m offering it because you might want to keep the relationship. If that’s the case, this approach could help. To the mom who wrote to me, I don’t believe that resisting or threatening more discipline will allow you to maintain the connection with your daughter. She is at an age where she can make lasting decisions. And she might even choose to cut off contact with you completely. Or, in a worst-case scenario, harm herself.
This is why I caution against resisting someone’s need to express themselves freely – it could have serious consequences. This doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries or speak up for yourself. You could say something like, “Your words are hurtful, and I realize I hurt you too. I’m deeply sorry for my past behavior. You didn’t deserve that treatment. We made mistakes as parents.”
For someone who’s been hurt for a long time, hearing an acknowledgment like this can be helpful. You might say, “I was a bad parent. I shouldn’t have treated you that way. I feel terrible and will carry this regret for the rest of my life. I’m so sorry for what I did. Abuse is wrong.”
You could continue, “I understand why you’re trying to hurt me now, to make me feel what you felt. But abuse is always wrong – when I did it, and now when you’re doing it. It pains me that we’re in this situation. I wish I could undo my past actions, but I failed in so many ways, and I wish I could have taught you what love and support are supposed to look like. I want us to talk and get along. And I know that seems impossible right now. But please know, I’m truly sorry for everything.”
A conversation like this might help stop the cycle of hurt. Your daughter needs to release her pent-up emotions. If she hasn’t had the chance to do so, she might not stop until she feels some sense of closure or achieves her goal – which could be to make you suffer indefinitely.
When dealing with long-standing issues, it’s important to set a timeline. If the problem has persisted for over a year, it’s time to change your approach. You mentioned walking on eggshells around her, which suggests you’ve been allowing her behavior to continue.
You’ve accepted this as a form of punishment or a way to make amends. But if she hasn’t found closure by now, it’s unlikely she will. If your current approach of apologizing and suffering hasn’t helped, it’s time for a new strategy.
Instead of constantly apologizing, try expressing your remorse sincerely once and mean it. Make it genuine and show your commitment to change. Say something like, “I never want to be that person again. You suffered because of my actions, and I’m truly sorry. You didn’t deserve that, and I should never have done it.”
Avoid saying you’re sorry repeatedly, as it loses its impact. The person may stop believing you’re truly remorseful if you’re just saying the words without substance. They need something more tangible and real.
Moving forward, try to approach your daughter with confidence in the person you’ve become. Own your past actions, but also be okay in recognizing your growth. This shift in dynamic might help but be prepared that it may not solve everything immediately – or at all.
Since she’s still living with you, it will likely be more difficult to resolve this because your presence alone might trigger negative emotions. Sometimes, separation can be necessary for healing. Consider giving her space if needed.
For anyone reading this who is starting the journey from being an emotionally abusive person, it’s crucial to be certain you’ll never repeat those behaviors. Commit to your personal growth and healing, and feel good about who you’re becoming. Even if you feel like you have a long way to go, start embodying confidence in what you’ve accomplished so far.
Back to the mom: Remember, if you had another child today, you’d likely raise them differently. So, be confident in your growth. When she expresses anger or upset, your new response might change the situation for the better, though probably slowly at first. The reactions you are showing today may actually be fueling her continued attacks.
She may be being aggressive toward you because she’s trying to make you feel the hurt she experienced. There’s likely a lot of pain within her, and she might be attempting to transfer those feelings to you. Until she feels you truly understand her pain, this cycle may continue.
When someone keeps trying to hurt, belittle, insult, or even hit you, it’s important to own who you are and who you were.
Change Your Responses to Change Your Results
Remember these words: “I deserve that.”
This might feel like the opposite of what you should do, but it could be why the situation keeps going. Saying “I deserve that,” even when you don’t feel you do, can bring a tiny bit of closure for the other person. It’s an acknowledgment and validation, not just saying, “I’m sorry.”
Constantly apologizing might come across as insincere or like you’re trying to pacify them. Those words may not have the meaning they need to reach closure.
What might help is validating everything they say. If they call you a liar, even if you know you’re not, say, “I deserve that. I deserve what you’re saying.”
You’re not denying it, resisting it, or telling them they’re wrong. You’re not necessarily agreeing, but you’re acknowledging their feelings. This validation and acknowledgment can help release some of their pressure.
The next time they have an outburst, again say, “I deserve that.” You can even say they’re right if you know they are. It’s all part of validation and acknowledgment.
When they ask if you feel bad for what you did and even what they’re doing to you today, express that you do. But notice how you’re answering – not from a desperate, sorry place. You want to be confident in who you are today, knowing you’re not the person you used to be.
The desperate, apologetic energy you might have been using isn’t helping them get past this. Your suffering might actually feed into their behaviors. The more you suffer, the more they might feel like they’re getting closer to closure, but it doesn’t work that way.
They might feel they’ve suffered much worse than you, so your suffering doesn’t give them a sense of accomplishment. That’s why it continues. When you say, “I deserve that,” you’re acknowledging their right to express their anger and upset. You’re not telling them they’re right about what they’re expressing. You’re just acknowledging and allowing them to express their emotional energy in any way they feel is necessary.
Change how you respond by being confident in who you’ve become and replying in an acknowledging, validating way. If they bring up specific things you did, it’s okay to apologize for those. But do it confidently.
When you respond from a confident place, it shows you’re not desperate for them to stop attacking you. Saying “I’m sorry” repeatedly can sound like you’re begging them to stop. But saying “I deserve that” removes the resistance. It’s about saying, “I acknowledge that. And what else do you want to tell me?”
That’s the difference. The desperate, apologetic energy conveys “please stop,” which can feed into continuing behaviors because there’s no closure.
When you’re confident in who you’ve become and who you’ll never be again, it shows the other person that you’re ready to face the consequences of your actions. If they give you a verbal lashing, you might feel you deserve it and be willing to hear them out.
However, physical abuse is a different story. If someone hits you, it’s a tough situation. While I might be able to take a hit and say I deserve it, I can’t advise you to do the same. It could be dangerous, and you might need to protect yourself or get away. You have to judge the situation and make the right choices for your safety.
If it were my daughter who was upset enough to hit me, I might let her do it because I know she needs to release that pent-up energy. But that’s just me – I’m not suggesting you do this. It could be risky for you, so use your best judgment.
The reason some people might allow this is because they understand the intense emotions behind it. When someone has been hurt, they might become the abuser or seek revenge. They might feel so strongly that no matter what they do, they can’t reach that level of intensity to feel like they’ve taught you a lesson or punished you enough.
If they never reach that point of closure, the cycle of abuse can continue. In some cases, someone who’s felt oppressed for a long time might want to hurt you back indefinitely. I’ve seen this in emotionally abusive relationships. One partner might not stop hurting the other for past wrongs, and the original wrongdoer might feel they deserve it.
But there comes a point where it has to stop. You have the right to say, “Please stop hurting me.” If they don’t stop and you can’t be around it anymore, you can choose to separate yourself from that person.
It’s a difficult situation when you’ve hurt someone in the past, especially your child, and now they’re hurting you back. How do you break this cycle? When does it end? How long should the payback last?
I understand and feel for you in this position. Having hurt people in my past, I know how it feels. I’ll carry that with me forever, and it drives me to give more love and support to the people in my life now. And I’ll keep giving more love and support because those feelings of guilt will always be in there somewhere.
If those feelings come up for you, remember to pay it forward positively.
I want to make it clear that I’m not siding with anyone who commits abuse. Some might think I’m supporting the person who caused these problems, but that’s not the case. Yes, they did cause the issues, and they’re owning up to it. Now, they’re facing the consequences and dealing with the fallout.
The person who caused harm is looking for peace, and I’m sure the victim wants inner peace, too. It’s hard to enjoy life while holding onto hurt, anger, or upset feelings. This situation is challenging for everyone involved, including the daughter, who may struggle to understand the depth of suffering caused by someone who seemed to have good intentions.
It’s rare to find someone who admits to disciplining their child out of hate or a desire to hurt them. While those people exist, I don’t believe that’s the case here. This person was likely trying to figure out how to be a parent and now realizes they made mistakes. Many others might relate to this.
There comes a point where the cycle of victimization needs to end. Someone who was hurt and then hurts others must stop. I’m not blaming the victim or portraying her as the villain. She simply didn’t have the resources or role models to give her the best shot at a happy, healthy life.
If you are going through a situation similar to the mom who told me her story, stay strong. I know how difficult this must be for you.
