Resisting your problems is a lot like being in denial. Both can stop you from moving forward and create suffering. When you resist facing an issue, you’re actually creating denial because you don’t want to suffer more than you already are.
There’s a way to end the suffering that often comes with problems, whether they go away or not. That’s what I want to talk about in this article.
Peter M. Senge once said, “People don’t resist change. They resist being changed.”
This quote highlights how we often struggle with changes that feel forced upon us.
Someone once told me they experience “sad attacks.” If you’ve ever had everything going fine and then suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of sadness, you know what these are. These sudden negative emotions can hit you out of nowhere, even during happy moments.
I spent most of the ’90s with an underlying sadness I didn’t even notice. One day, while driving, I suddenly felt energized and free from negative emotions. For the first time in ages, I felt happy and at peace. But just as quickly, it vanished.
It reminded me of a scene from The Matrix: Revolutions. The main characters, Neo and Trinity, fly their ship above the polluted clouds and see a clear sky for the first time in their lives. In that brief moment, nothing else mattered. But within seconds, they sink back into darkness and danger, never to witness that beauty again.
When that peace washed over me in the car, I realized how much I’d been missing. I understood that I hadn’t been truly content with my life. While not chaotic, I simply wasn’t happy.
I only felt that peace once more in my life, oddly enough, when I had food poisoning. About 40 minutes into being violently ill, I thought I might die. Strangely, at that moment, I felt completely at peace.
You’d think I’d be stressed and scared, but believing I was going to die took away all my worries. This doesn’t mean I wanted to die – I just felt that same peace again. I enjoyed it so much that I tried to hold onto it.
I focused on that feeling and tried to make it my reality from that point on. But as I started to recover, my usual state of mind returned. I was quickly reminded of bills, work, and responsibilities.
Later, I tried to recapture that peaceful feeling, but it had vanished. I couldn’t bring it back.
It took years before I could reach a state of peace close to those moments I’d experienced before. In my e-book, Clear the Path to Happiness, I discuss how happiness resides within us. It’s about removing the emotional obstacles in our way so we can access it.
When we clear these hurdles, happiness emerges naturally. It’s not something we chase; it simply appears. But to feel it, we must work through past pain and hurt.
I believe many people prefer peace over happiness because peace often leads to happiness. Being happy is great, but would you want to feel that way every minute? Think about when you’re sleeping or comforting a sad friend. Constant happiness might not fit those situations.
When you’re at peace, you have more control over your emotions. You can choose how you want to feel without struggling to shift from one emotion to another. You don’t need to force yourself out of sadness to find happiness. Instead, focus on bringing peace into your life.
Resistance Can Create Obstacles That Prevent Peace
How do you do you bring peace into your life? It boils down to one idea that’s easy to say but hard to put into practice:
Remove resistance from your life or fully accept what you resist.
By eliminating things that cause you to resist, you invite more peace into your world. For example, if you’re in a relationship and your partner is great 97% of the time but unbearable the other 3%, address that small percentage.
If you love your job except for one difficult coworker, tackle that issue.
What if you adore your home but can’t stand the noisy kids on your street at night? You could try asking them to quiet down, but that might not work. Calling the police probably won’t help either. Moving is an option, but is it really necessary?
Sometimes, you might face a situation you can’t resolve. Whenever you think about it, you get that uncomfortable feeling inside. It’s the same feeling you get when you think about confronting someone or dealing with a debt you’ve been avoiding. It’s that strong resistance to doing something you don’t want to do.
Resistance often leads to suffering. The more you want something gone, the worse you feel. But accepting things as they are can help you let go of that suffering. However, this raises an important question: Where’s the relief in that?
Take, for example, parents constantly meddling in your personal life. You might be able to accept it and find peace, but is that really what you want to keep in your life? This is where we draw a fine line between acceptance and intolerance.
What can you accept, and what can’t you tolerate?
How will your choices make you feel?
What actions should you take when deciding whether to accept, reject, or tolerate something while seeking peace and satisfaction?
These are all valid questions, and the answers will be different for each person. What brings peace to my life might not bring peace to yours. For instance, some people find peace and satisfaction in having children, while others would find it overwhelming.
Let’s dive deeper into this topic. Is there a single path to peace and satisfaction, or is it unique to our circumstances? I have some thoughts on this.
You’ve probably heard the phrase, “What you resist persists.” One meaning is that the more you complain about something you don’t want in your life, the more it seems to stick around.
I often use this example: My mom used to complain and stress about my abusive, alcoholic stepfather living in their house. The more she hoped he’d leave, the longer she suffered. He never left because she spent more time wishing for change than actually making it happen.
Resistance is inaction toward a problem.
It’s a defensive position where you’re always trying to survive. When you take action, you move toward a solution.
You can’t find solutions by always taking steps backward. My mom did this by hoping instead of doing. She wanted her husband to leave because of his bad behavior, but he had no reason to. She enabled him by cleaning up his messes, paying his bills, and tolerating his behavior.
I’m not criticizing my mom – she’s much stronger now that he’s gone. But she’s a perfect example of “What you resist persists.” Every day, she resisted my stepfather and wanted him to leave. And every day, he made no effort to change or leave. There was no motivation for him to change as long as she didn’t change either.
The real problem wasn’t her fear of what he would do when he was drunk (although that was scary). It was her fear of what life would be like without him. She chose to stay and suffer rather than leave and possibly not suffer. Leaving at least gave her a chance to end her suffering while staying guaranteed its continuation.
Sometimes, people find themselves in situations they can’t escape, leading to ongoing suffering. While this is undoubtedly a problem, even these seemingly insurmountable issues can have a path to resolution. When faced with such challenges, it’s easy to feel frustrated when someone suggests a simple solution like “just leave.” The reality is often much more complex.
To address these tough situations, I’ve developed a concise, four-step action plan called the Problem Escape Plan. This exercise can help you minimize or even eliminate the suffering you’re experiencing. Before I share the steps, take a moment to think of a current problem in your life.
The Problem Escape Plan
- If you can’t accept the problem, solve it
- If you can’t solve the problem, adapt to it
- If you can’t adapt to the problem, walk away from it
- If you can’t walk away from the problem, accept it
This philosophy has become an integral part of my approach to handling problems. It helps me reach solutions quickly by compelling me to choose a direction.
I once applied a similar process during the end of my marriage when divorce became inevitable. At first, I struggled to accept the reality of divorce, questioning if there was anything I could do to save my marriage or if I could come to terms with ending it.
As the inevitability of divorce became clear, I faced a choice: resist my feelings about it and prolong my suffering or find a way to move forward. However, I’ve learned that simplistic advice like “just let it go” or “think positively” is often unhelpful and even frustrating. It’s like telling someone who’s lost their legs to “walk it off” – it dismisses the gravity of the situation and offers no real support.
I ran my divorce situation through the Problem Escape Plan, going through each step and explaining my thought process.
1. If you can’t accept the problem, solve it.
I decided to do everything I could to fix things. I planned to get therapy, grow, and become the man she needed me to be. But it didn’t work. She was already too hurt by who I was and didn’t want me in her life anymore. That really stung. I asked, “No matter what I do, you wouldn’t want me back?” Her answer was a firm no.
2. If you can’t solve the problem, adapt to it.
I couldn’t imagine adapting to being divorced. The pain was too much. I was still hurting and held onto the possibility she might change her mind. What if I became a better person and she wanted me back? Adapting felt like accepting the divorce, which I wasn’t ready to do.
I didn’t want her to think I was okay with the situation so I crossed off the step on adapting. There was no way I could just get used to this new reality. The thought of her dating someone else was unbearable.
3. If you can’t adapt to the problem, walk away from it.
This seemed crazy to me. Walking away wasn’t an option. I was hurt, still in love, and didn’t want to let go of what could be. So, I skipped that one as well.
4. If you can’t walk away from the problem, accept it.
I couldn’t believe it… am I supposed to just go back to acceptance?
I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
I refused.
This is where the exercise becomes crucial. It forces you to make a choice between continuing to suffer or letting go.
As I went through the steps again, I realized I’d keep suffering until I chose an exit. But which one? If I didn’t choose, I’d keep hurting. If I did, healing could begin.
The key to the Problem Escape Plan is this: Healing starts when you choose an exit.
Holding onto what might be keeps suffering alive. The “what ifs” keep us guessing and clinging to possible outcomes.
When you run the Problem Escape Plan on your problem, can you find your escape? Or, instead of doing this exercise, maybe you’ve come up with a completely different solution.
Possibility, hope, and desperation in the face of a problem keep suffering going. But taking action, moving forward, and finding closure start the healing process. That’s why it’s so important to get closure on problems quickly.
The Faster You Can Reach Closure, The Better
When my wife told me she no longer wanted to be married, I went through this exercise. I realized that to stop the pain, I needed closure. The day after she confirmed there was no chance of reconciliation, I went to the courthouse to file for divorce. I wanted closure immediately.
She had made it clear there was no going back, so I decided to start healing right away by getting the process moving. I had suffered for two years after my previous long-term relationship ended, and I didn’t want to go through that again. Last time, I got sad, then angry, then depressed. Recovering from that was an experience I never wanted to repeat. That was rock bottom for me. So, I decided that if divorce was inevitable, I’d make it happen as quickly as possible so I could move on with my life.
Taking action toward closure was a crucial first step in my healing process. It helped limit my suffering to a couple of months instead of years of depression and recovery. When you’re clear about what you don’t want in life, you can take steps to avoid it at all costs.
I didn’t want a divorce. I wanted to stay with my wife and fix our problems. I tried everything I could, but it was too late for her. Instead of prolonging the inevitable, I faced it head-on. I knew it would hurt badly, but I also knew the pain would fade over time. If I had chosen to delay the process by holding onto hope and putting off the divorce, it would have been like experiencing repeated emotional blows.
You might be wondering how to exit a problem and what that even means. There are several ways to do this, and one of them is resolving it. If you can’t accept the problem, you try to solve it – that is if you want to! You might have a problem you don’t want to accept and can’t or don’t want to solve. But if you do want to solve it, my advice is to do whatever it takes.
This might mean paying for help or staying up late working on a solution. Solving a problem is about taking action and doing everything possible so that when all is said and done, you know you tried your best. You’ll know you’ve tried everything when either the problem is resolved or you’re too exhausted to continue. That exhaustion can also be an exit because sometimes you simply run out of energy to deal with the issue.
If you can’t solve the problem, try adapting to it. Adapting means finding a way to make things work despite the problem’s existence. For example, a high school girlfriend of mine who smoked would use mouthwash and chew gum after smoking because she knew I disliked the taste. She found ways to adapt so we could enjoy our time together.
Another example of adaptation is when I had to live with family in a basement room after my divorce. It was very different from my bright, open apartment in Oregon. At first, I felt down about the change, but I decided to adapt and make the best of it. This choice allowed me to stop suffering and move forward in other areas of my life.
If you can’t adapt to your problem, the final option is to walk away from it. My ex-wife did this when she couldn’t handle my judgmental behavior anymore. She couldn’t accept it because it kept hurting her, and she couldn’t adapt because she was in pain from feeling unsupported and criticized by her husband.
Her solution was to leave. Walking away gave her freedom from suffering. While she was gone, she rediscovered what it was like to think without my influence. She felt more free and alive, realizing it was the right decision for her. It was difficult, but she knew she had to do it for herself.
When Walking Away Might Be The Best Solution
I once owned a condo in Florida during the mortgage crisis. When my renter stopped paying, I couldn’t keep up with the payments. The bank and housing association were demanding money, and the bills kept piling up.
I desperately wanted to keep the condo, but holding onto it was causing me more stress than I’d ever experienced. I was prioritizing money over my own well-being. My partner suggested filing for bankruptcy, which I initially rejected, believing I should always repay my debts.
As I thought about it more, I realized the situation would only worsen. Eventually, I decided to file for bankruptcy.
The day after, my stress and anxiety vanished. Yes, I lost money and a home, but I gained freedom from worry and stress. It dawned on me that my priorities had been misaligned. I couldn’t enjoy what I “owned” if it constantly stressed me out. Letting it go became one of the most freeing experiences of my life.
I want to be clear – I tried working with the bank and housing association first. I exhausted all my options to make things work, but nothing changed. Filing for bankruptcy turned out to be the right choice. I’m now healthier, both mentally and physically. The constant fear of losing my condo and increasing debt disappeared, along with all the negative emotions.
The problem just melted away. I walked away, knowing I’d done everything possible to resolve it.
But what if walking away isn’t an option?
You need to circle back to the first choice: accept it.
Accepting the situation provides closure. It forces you to face the reality that you have only two options – accept it or continue suffering.
It’s like being asked to choose between a ten-dollar bill or a brownie. When you want both, the question is repeated until you make a decision. This is the breaking point.
Once you make that tough decision, the suffering begins to fade, and healing can start. I keep coming back to this point because it shows how pointless it is to keep going through the same process repeatedly. It’s an endless cycle, so you might as well decide and act to move forward one way or another.
Suffering comes from resisting. When you resist making a decision, you prolong your suffering. You can’t experience freedom until you take a step toward it. The longer you put off taking that step, no matter how painful it seems, the longer you’ll suffer.
Taking that step is challenging, but consider this:
What will bring you peace faster – prolonging your suffering or choosing to face it head-on?
The answer is clear, even if it’s hard to put into practice. I didn’t want to get divorced, but I wanted to stop suffering even more. So, I took that difficult step and got it over with.
Your solutions and exit strategies will be unique to your situation. As you work through your problems, explore every possible path that presents itself. The exit is rarely easy, as I’ve seen with people who remain stuck in a loop of indecision and inaction. They’ve become so accustomed to this cycle that they don’t realize a more peaceful path exists when they finally make a choice.
While it’s challenging at first, and you’ll need to deal with the reactions of those involved, once you overcome the biggest hurdles, you’ll find yourself above the cloudiness, moving toward a brighter future.
I’ve shared my personal experiences here, but it’s crucial to remember that our circumstances differ. My divorce or financial losses don’t necessarily mean the same choices will work for you. Your path is your own.
While I can’t guarantee this approach works for every problem, I can say that it’s not always easy. Sometimes, hard decisions need to be made. At the very least, take some time for yourself to think without outside influences.
One effective method is to find a quiet place alone and ask yourself, “If my problem didn’t exist, what would I be doing instead?”
This exercise can bring forth interesting ideas you might not have considered before. For example, if you’re dealing with debt, don’t imagine sudden wealth – just think about life without that specific burden.
By mentally eliminating the problem, you clear your thought processes and allow new ideas to surface – ideas that may have been hidden in the fog of your current situation. This clarity can be the first step toward finding your unique solution.
There’s a level of emotional pain we often avoid, trapping us in a cycle of hurt, suppression, and repetition. It’s like a washing machine: pain, repress, pain, repeat.
This cycle involves unexpressed, unresolved emotions from our past or present – things we’d rather not face, so we push them down only to have them resurface later.
I’ve spoken with people who’ve endured terrible abuse as children, and it’s heartbreaking to hear their stories. If you’ve been through life’s toughest challenges, ask yourself:
Who will you be right now to overcome this?
Will you remain the frightened child of your past, or will you be the adult who steps up and says, “I’ve got this, don’t worry”?
The past can hurt us today if we hold onto it. But what if you chose not to? What if you found someone safe – a friend, support group, or professional – with whom you could share all your emotions and thoughts freely?
I’ve been to therapy several times, and looking back, I realize now how much I was still holding in back then despite having the chance to speak openly. Don’t make the same mistake.
Often, our resistance stems from fear of what might happen if we speak up or take action. Usually, it’s just fear of how we’ll feel, not what will actually occur.
You might not want to feel the pain, but you also don’t want to prolong it.
So, which path will you choose? Will you feel it, express it, and release it? Or will you feel it, repress it, and repeat the cycle?
For a long time, I never let anyone know when they made me angry. Then, I started to slowly open up about my feelings. Now, I simply tell people how I feel. I got through the tough part, and it’s no longer difficult.
Don’t let the challenging aspects stop you from moving forward. That difficulty is the gateway to peace, or at least a step closer to it than before.
