Most people aren’t taught emotional intelligence in their upbringing. Because of that, there are often lingering negative emotions hanging around in us that might need to be addressed if we’re going to experience a life without the burden of anxiety, depression, and emotional triggers.
Getting out of anxiety and depression is often not an easy task. But I hope to help give you some extra tools for your emotional toolbelt in this article to give you a good start.
When discussing mental health, it’s important to recognize the myriad of components that contribute to our overall well-being. Anger, depression, and anxiety are significant factors that many people grapple with, and they play a crucial role in our mental health landscape. But it’s not just the negative emotions that shape our mental state; happiness, joy, elation, and bliss are equally vital to our emotional equilibrium.
A perspective I hold is that all emotions, even those we consider negative, like shame, embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation, are valuable when expressed, processed, and released appropriately. This prevents the buildup of emotional “pressure” within us, which, if not released, can lead to destructive behaviors. These behaviors can be self-destructive, and often are, but they can also cause harm to others.
If we don’t process and release these emotions, they accumulate and corrode our inner peace. It’s a distressing thought, but picturing these emotions as something gnawing away inside can be a powerful motivator to address them.
For me personally, this visualization manifested physically. There was a time in my life when I felt as if there was an actual hole burning in my stomach, which turned out to be an ulcer exacerbated by repressed anger.
When we don’t process and release our negative emotions, it’s likely because we didn’t learn the appropriate coping skills growing up. In my case, my mother, a people pleaser, was married to my volatile, alcoholic stepfather. To avoid inciting his anger, she never expressed her own, which, while maintaining a semblance of peace, also fostered dysfunction within our family. This led to a lack of boundaries and a tendency to repress negative emotions to avoid conflict or confrontation.
Her example of avoiding conflict and people-pleasing led to my own dysfunctional behaviors when I became an adult. I learned to repress my emotions and allowed people to overstep my boundaries.
Repressing how I really thought and felt over the years took its toll on me, leading to physical symptoms. I was able to manage those symptoms with antacids and other medications; however, the underlying issue—the unexpressed anger toward my stepfather and others that I refused to address—remained.
It wasn’t until I went through a significant depressive phase, triggered by a breakup and the accompanying feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, and abandonment that I realized the full extent of my emotional suppression. I had isolated myself, unwilling to ‘bother’ others with my emotional state, and in doing so, I neglected to address and process these feelings in a healthy way.
I never had the chance to confront my stepfather directly—to tell him how much I actually hated him. Yet, I didn’t need that confrontation. When I finally unleashed my pent-up anger, it was like an emotional explosion.
The benefit of that release was profound; the day I acknowledged my deep-seated anger and hate was the very day I found a way to love him for the first time, but from a completely different perspective.
I thought I had loved him before because he could be so kind, sweet, and generous when he wasn’t drinking. However, when he drank, he became violent and dangerous, someone I didn’t want to be around.
But after my emotional outburst, all that anger and hate cleared a path to a new form of love—a love that was unconditional. I say this now with a different understanding than I had back then. I learned to love him from a distance, to love him in a way that meant I was no longer attached or dependent on him for any sense of role modeling, parental guidance, or even the positive feelings I held onto during his sober moments.
Feeling the hate and anger for the first time allowed those same emotions to dissipate. When you’re not burdened by hate and anger, what’s left is either indifference or love, and that fundamentally changes your relationship.
This doesn’t mean I wanted to maintain a relationship with him; rather, it changed how I related to him. I could let go of the constant thoughts about him. I could love him from afar and care about his well-being—or not. I became indifferent, yet I also remembered his occasional acts of kindness. The crucial part was that I could release the hate and the anger.
Over time, I learned more about him that I didn’t like, which only increased my indifference. But there’s no more hate, no more anger. And I know that when he passes, I’ll feel a sense of loss. The care and love are still there, just different—less based on dysfunction and more on the positive, albeit few, effects he had on my life.
Even the dysfunctions I’ve experienced, I now see as beneficial because they’ve brought me to where I am today, sharing these stories and lessons with you. Stories I wouldn’t have if not for those experiences.
There’s often a lot to be thankful for, even for the toxic people who’ve come into your life, but it’s hard to be grateful for their existence until you’ve realized what you learned and let go of any repressed anger or upset toward them.
For me, feeling the hate and anger was necessary before I could let it go. That was such an important realization for me. If you’re carrying around unresolved feelings about someone else or your past, it’s worth exploring those emotions, even if you believe you no longer have them.
You can do this by asking yourself, honestly, if there’s hate within you. If saying the words “I hate you” followed by a person’s name feels true, don’t berate yourself for thinking it; instead, commend yourself for allowing these feelings to surface and be acknowledged internally.
This acknowledgment doesn’t mean the feelings will persist or that they’re even true now. They might have been true once, and perhaps our understanding of ‘hate’ has evolved since then. We may process emotions differently now than we did in the past.
Don’t fear letting whatever you might be holding onto emerge within you. For me, facing those unexpressed emotions was the very first step toward healing my depression. I had an emotional outburst, exclaiming just how much I hated my stepfather one day. That was the very beginning of my healing.
It took me a couple of years after that outburst for me to fully drain that pool of depression within me. Today, every time I feel any hint of depression creeping back in, I ask myself, “What’s this about? Why am I feeling this way? What am I holding on to? Who am I still upset with? Is there something I haven’t addressed yet?”
My depression grew stronger whenever I wanted to say no to something but instead said yes. Or when I wanted to confront someone but chose not to, leaving me with lingering anger, sadness, or frustration. Over the years, those unaddressed moments kept accumulating. It took me a couple of years to reflect upon and address those moments inside me.
You may not be able to address all moments like that in yourself. In fact, you might not even remember half of them. A good exercise for you is to, first, listen to my episodes on boundaries.
Second, start honoring your own boundaries. This was my pathway out of depression. I used to be the guy who would say, “Yes, of course, I’ll work on the weekend,” because I didn’t want anyone to be mad at me. I wanted to be the nice guy, the peacemaker, and have everyone like me.
But I wasn’t honoring my own boundaries. If I didn’t want to work the weekend, I’d do it anyway, then resentfully stuff away those feelings. Then I would blame them for expecting me to work, thinking, “Why don’t they realize I’m upset? Can’t they see they’re making me work weekend after weekend? Doesn’t it bother them that it bothers me?”
But, of course, if they don’t know, they won’t stop. They’ll assume I’m fine with it because I said yes. This is where understanding and asserting your boundaries becomes crucial.
Ask yourself:
What are my boundaries?
What will I allow and not allow in my life?
What do I find acceptable or unacceptable?
When someone asks you to do something, and you don’t want to do it, question yourself: “Do I really want to do this?”
If the answer is no, practice saying, “No, I don’t think I want to do that.”
If that feels scary, that’s a good sign. The things that scare us are usually intimately connected with our emotional triggers and often tied to depression or anxiety if you carry those as well.
Be acutely aware of what you want to do and say, and if you’re not allowing yourself to do that, because if you aren’t honoring yourself, it will build up inside of you. And that will affect your life, causing you to sabotage your path to success, burn out in relationships and jobs, and even lose friends.
I’m painting a dire picture here, and while many people don’t deal with this, for those like me who have avoided confrontation and didn’t want to make waves, if you’ve ever done that, or if you feel like you’re holding in anger, frustration, sadness, shame, guilt, or any emotion that’s eating away at you, there are two effective release mechanisms that I know of.
One is having an emotional explosion, just letting it all out. The other is starting to honor your boundaries. Doing so validates you. And every time you validate yourself, you release some of the internal pressure.
I can’t cite the science behind it, but I know it works. When you validate and honor your own needs and wants, and follow through with them, those small validations and follow-throughs help release any built-up pressure, depression, or anxiety.
I’m not claiming these are cures or that they will change everything, but they changed everything for me. I want you to have the tools and the ability to make these changes, just in case you’re dealing with anything similar to what I’ve experienced.
It’s a challenging position to be in when you’re grappling with anxiety and depression, and it impacts your life and relationships.
This article is based on a message I received from someone who asked what the “right” way to treat themselves and others they care about. There was a particular point in that message that caught my attention. They mentioned a near reliance on their partner for comfort, peace, and perhaps happiness.
I want to say to the person who wrote that message that it’s important to be mindful here. Consider what happens when she’s not present. When she goes to work or the store, do you feel okay? It might seem like an unfair or unusual question and could imply a high dependency on her, but it’s worth reflecting on.
I talked about a similar topic over at my other podcast, Love and Abuse. The topic was about how we often hear the phrase “you complete me” in movies. The problem with that comment is that if you need someone to complete you, it can feel draining for them. And you might find yourself never truly satisfied. It can lead to an excessive reliance on them for your happiness.
The person who wrote me also mentioned that they’re worried they may be being emotionally abusive toward people they care about but aren’t sure. I think that’s a very good thought process. It’s empathetic and shows that you’re looking inward, questioning how you treat others.
Irritation during disagreements is not uncommon, but if it leads to dark, blinding anger and frustration, or repressing those negative emotions, it will weaken and eventually destroy a relationship.
Continuing to address the person who wrote to me, if you’re struggling to identify whether you’re exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior, it’s vital to learn the terms and signs of emotional abuse, such as gaslighting, manipulation, and stonewalling. Understanding these can help you recognize patterns in your behavior and in the relationship. Remember, healing and improving a relationship is a process, and it’s important to continue taking care of yourself while working toward a healthier partnership.
You also mentioned in your message to me that you feel it can be important to have someone to lean on during tough times. I agree! Sharing life with a partner or any loved one can be a great source of comfort and support. However, in your specific case, it’s crucial to ask yourself who you are without her.
Knowing and healing oneself is so important. Being in a good place personally before entering a relationship allows you to bring the best version of yourself into the relationship. And even though you’re already in one, it’s never too late to start working on yourself.
Also, in your message, you said you were exploring self-nurturing, self-compassion, self-worth, and self-esteem. I love that. These are key areas that contribute to our overall well-being and are vital for a healthy relationship.
And just to remind you, while it’s wonderful to have someone in your life, it’s important to be cautious not to base all your happiness and comfort solely on their presence. It’s about finding balance and understanding who you are, independently of them.
My main concern here is that when we rely on someone else for our happiness, comfort, peace, and joy, and we don’t already feel those things inside us, we run the risk of draining those qualities from our partner. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s a sign to look inward and address these issues.
I like to use the analogy of a battery and a flashlight to explain this concept. If your partner is the battery and you’re the flashlight, you shine bright when she’s around. But if you’re left in the dark without her, it suggests an unhealthy dependency that can lead to draining her energy.
This is why continuing to work on yourself is crucial: So you can become the healthiest, most improved version of yourself and bring that version of you into the relationship.
As you continue to work on yourself, you’ll find that you become more attractive to each other—not necessarily in a physical sense, but because self-improvement is appealing. When someone is actively working on themselves, it often makes them more desirable as a partner because they’re not depleting their significant other’s resources.
Finally, the issues of anxiety and depression you mentioned are significant. And I’m so glad you’re taking steps to address them. Reflecting on when these feelings started can be insightful. Ask yourself when it began. Was it in childhood? Later on or at another point in your life?
Consider what life was like before these feelings emerged. If you can’t remember, imagine what it might have been like. Then, think about what may have triggered the start of these feelings.
Reflecting on these questions can help you find resolution and peace with the past, which can have a positive impact on your present and future. When you resolve issues from the past, it often leads to healing that extends forward in time, bringing clarity and resolution to your current situation.
If you’re familiar with NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), you’ll recognize the concept of timeline work. If you’re not familiar with it, it basically involves going back in time in your mind to pinpoint when a significant event happened, understanding what occurred before that, and recognizing who you were and how you felt prior to the event.
Through this process, you can reach a resolution about what caused everything to unfold, which can lead to substantial healing and improvement in your life. While I’m simplifying the process here, the three reflective questions I mentioned above are crucial for your meditation and contemplation.
Regarding the last segment I discussed, it’s important to consider anyone you’ve ever been with or around with whom you might still harbor unresolved feelings. If there are emotions that have not been acknowledged or expressed and have only been repressed, or if you’ve pushed those feelings aside to avoid having them, it might be time to address these issues.
If the memories or experiences are particularly traumatic, involving abuse or similar circumstances, you may need to seek professional help. It’s essential to be cautious and to talk to a therapist if you’re not equipped to process these emotions on your own.
When I reflected on my past and my experiences with my stepfather, I recognized that there were many issues I needed to resolve with him. One of my processes involved talking to my inner child. This is a common therapeutic approach. It means speaking to yourself at the age when the troubling events occurred.
As an adult, you can provide the comfort and reassurance that your younger self needs, whether that’s through a hug, kind words, or simply your presence. For me, these conversations helped me to create a healthy, loving relationship with that part of myself. And I feel much more secure knowing that my adult self is there to stand up for me when needed.
Finally, to address this person’s fear that they may be emotionally abusive without realizing it (they said they find themselves easily irritated during disagreements with their partner, leading to feelings of anger and frustration), here’s an exercise to try:
In the midst of those emotions, ask yourself:
If she didn’t exist in this moment, who else would I want to direct my anger and frustration toward?
Is there someone from my past or present who comes to mind?
If my partner was not in the picture, who would be the recipient of these feelings?
Who would I have wished to express them to in the past but never did?
This is another point for reflection, and I encourage you to consider it as part of your healing journey.
Experiencing anger or frustration doesn’t necessarily make you an emotionally abusive person; however, it may indicate that you’re engaging in emotionally abusive behaviors. These behaviors can be hurtful, harmful, and damaging, so it’s crucial to be vigilant.
I have an episode of Love and Abuse that helps you learn to discern if you’re being emotionally abusive or not. Listen to that when you get a chance. Just remember not to lump all your actions into one category and label yourself as abusive. Instead, focus on specific behaviors.
To do that, take a moment to reflect on a particular action and ask yourself:
Is this supportive of my partner?
Is this conducive to our mutual happiness?
Often, you’ll realize it’s not. By being mindful of the specific behavior you’re exhibiting, you can start to understand why you’re acting in such a way. For instance, if you find yourself yelling and saying mean things, replay that behavior in your mind and question the motive behind it.
This is where what I call “stupid questions that lead to healing” come into play. I’ve written an article with that very title. This article offers a series of introspective questions to help you analyze and heal from specific behaviors you wish to change or release.
For example, let’s say you said something mean. Ask yourself, “Why did I say that? What was my intention?”
These are typical questions, but then you dive into the “stupid questions,” such as, “Why is her calling me an idiot a problem?”
That may sound like a silly question, but there’s a purpose behind it. I encourage you to read the article for more insights.
It sounds like you’re already taking significant steps toward stopping the emotionally abusive behaviors. So keep doing what feels right for you.
Additionally, pay attention to how you feel after certain actions. Since you said you’re already meditating, it’s an opportune moment to introduce questions and reflect on past experiences. Your emotional reactions to current situations are often responses to past events because that’s where these patterns began. You didn’t learn to be angry with your partner in this relationship; it started earlier.
When did you learn that? What was happening at the time?
Incorporate these inquiries into your meditations, reflections, or journaling to deepen your understanding of yourself.
My final piece of advice is to focus on you, not the relationship. Don’t work on the relationship; work on understanding yourself as thoroughly as possible. This understanding is key to personal growth and emotional evolution, which will help you in your relationships.
