Your sexual history is yours, but some people like to make it a big deal and cause you to feel guilt or shame for things you did in your past.
Whether you regret what you did in the past or not shouldn’t make a difference. It’s your past and no one else’s. Those who have an issue with what you did in the past need to resolve that within themselves, not take their insecurities out on you.
What happens when you share your sexual history with a partner who can’t get past it? What do you do when one person’s sexual history is a big problem in the relationship?
Honestly, in the past, I was quite the jerk when it came to my partners’ sexual histories. I used to get upset knowing someone else had been intimate with the person I was intimate with. Why? Because I used to believe that sex was this magical thing that binds two people together “forever.”
I felt like sex was this sacred, impenetrable bond that tells the other person, ‘My body is yours, and your body is mine.’ I’m not saying sex isn’t special or meaningful between two people. But due to my insecurity, immaturity, and impossibly high standards back then, I was judgmental toward those who had a sexual history more… “robust” than me. And, in my case, I thought that was everyone.
In the past, the mere thought of my partner having been with someone else was devastating. And I’m not talking about infidelity or cheating while in a relationship. That’s an entirely different topic I’ve covered in these episodes of my show. I’m specifically addressing how someone’s sexual past might become a huge emotional trigger for you.
I used to judge my previous partners harshly for their sexual histories. I viewed them as “bad” if their past didn’t align with my righteous morals. I was incredibly judgmental and expected my partners to be practically perfect and pure. If their sexual history wasn’t what I deemed as “acceptable,” I would get upset about it.
Looking back now, I’m totally embarrassed to admit this, let alone have it accessible as a permanent record on the internet. But because I’ve healed from this, and I know others might be going through what I once went through, I feel it’s important enough to share here.
As I’ve gotten older, my perspective has shifted dramatically. I started to understand that sex is a normal, healthy part of most romantic relationships. Not only that, our mind and body are hardwired to function efficiently at sex, getting rewarded to procreate. That realization helped me let go of many of my judgments about my partner’s past sexual experiences.
“I’m Upset About Their Sexual History. Now What?”
Right up front, I’d like to get one important question out of the way. It’s a question that, if you really let it sink in, can help you if you’re dealing with obsessive thoughts about someone else’s sex life.
When someone you care about has a sexual history you disagree with, the crucial question to ask yourself is:
Are they the same person today?
In other words, if they used to have multiple partners in a week – or even a day – is that who they are and what they do today?
When you fixate on someone else’s sexual history, you will experience it as if it’s happening right now, mainly because after you learn about it, you might actively imagine it.
I experienced this firsthand. If a past partner shared their sexual history with me, I would create these vivid mental pictures and react to them as if they were betraying me in real time. To be clear, they weren’t being intimate with others during our relationship. This was all in my head!
But I would get so upset, angry, and jealous about their past that they eventually stopped feeling safe sharing anything with me. I would bombard them with questions like: “You did what? With who? How many times? You had how many partners?”
The mental images we create in our minds when we learn about someone’s sexual history can be overwhelming.
This becomes particularly challenging if you’re not secure in yourself or comfortable with your own sexuality in general. Insecurity about your sexual function can sometimes have a tendency to create judgments and even fear or anger about someone else’s sexual history.
However, again, are they the same person today? Are they doing today what they used to do in the past?
If you’re struggling with someone’s past and aren’t sure how to process it, whether what they did was against your values or morals or not, focusing on who they are today can help you clarify what really matters.
Think about it – most of us have done things in our past that we regret, wish we’d done differently, or wish we hadn’t done at all. And when you’ve done something you’re not proud of, then someone finds out about it, would you want to be judged, put down, or hurt by them saying, “Wow, you’re a really awful person for doing that”?
What you did in the past may have even happened decades ago. But if someone came along and said, “You did that 25 years ago? You’re an awful person! I can’t believe you did that. You should be ashamed of yourself,” you may feel being judged for it is pretty unfair, especially knowing that you are not that same person today.
That’s not to say a highly active, unique, or varied sexual history would be something that the person might regret. Someone with a history like that might have no issues with their past at all. But even if they did, that’s their journey, not ours. They don’t need our judgments or criticisms. If they have regrets or old traumas they need to process, you don’t have to make their processing your processing.
Instead of judging and criticizing, show up as a solid rock of support for them if they need you. When we have a past to sort out, it’s hard enough to struggle with our own thoughts and judgments, let alone having to face the critical lens of someone else who is supposed to care about us.
Again, just because we might view someone’s sexual history as “too much” or “wrong” doesn’t mean it is. Maybe they explored and enjoyed sex. Maybe they regret the decisions they made. Maybe they were never brought up to believe sex was a bad thing or only reserved for someone you marry.
The point is your judgments and issues with what people did in their past are your issues, not theirs. When people give you the space and “permission” to reflect on and process your history the way you need to process it, it is a loving, supportive gesture that says a lot about them.
When you have an issue with someone else’s history, that’s the work they need to do, not you. Again, unless they ask for your help or support – that’s what they need to address within themselves.
None of us need a reminder of how terrible we were in the past. We do a good job reminding ourselves of that already.
We learn from our past. If we have regrets, we make sure not to repeat those same actions. That’s why seeing someone for who they are today and how they show up now is all that matters.
But What If That Is Who They Are Today?
Let’s consider a different scenario: Maybe you did things you don’t regret – perhaps you were a “partier” and still are, and you genuinely enjoy being who you are without any personal issues about it.
Then you meet someone more conservative than you who has problems with both your past and present behavior. Here’s the thing: The problem they have with you is still their problem. And if they choose to spend time with you even though your lifestyle might violate their boundaries or values, then they shouldn’t be complaining about who you are.
We often bring our own standards into relationships. And when we judge others by these standards, it usually means we want them to change for us rather than us adapting to and accepting them as they are.
This is a crucial distinction. When you enter a relationship and choose not to adapt to and accept who that person is and how they behave, you become the source of difficulty in that relationship, not them.
They might have habits you hate, yet you’re in the relationship, giving them grief, being upset, and judging their behavior instead of choosing acceptance and adaptation. That’s on you, not them. They’re showing up as themselves, doing what they’ve always done, and now someone’s entered their life saying, “No, what you’re doing is wrong. You need to change.”
What you’re really saying when you say something like that is, “You need to change for me because I don’t like the way you are.”
When you enter a relationship saying things like “you need to change” or “you should be ashamed of yourself” (even if not in those exact words), you’re highlighting how you’re choosing to control them rather than focusing on what you need for yourself.
I speak with authority in this matter because, unfortunately, this was me throughout my life. I wanted to control the people I was with. When they did things I didn’t like, I never directly said, “I don’t like that, and if you do it again, I can’t be around you,” (which would have been the empowering thing to say because that would be me taking responsibility for my problem). Instead, I was more subtle. I used guilt and emotional abuse. I gave them the silent treatment. I made sure they knew that their behaviors or past were a problem for me.
When you communicate to someone that their behavior is a problem for you, you’re showing that you’re not accepting or adapting. And, most likely, you are the problem.
I know someone might read this and think, “But their behavior is terrible! They’re doing awful things they shouldn’t do!” Or “They’re doing awful things to me.” – which is different because that might be considered an abusive relationship.
What I’m addressing here is behavior that someone else does that you can’t accept or don’t like, and you want or hope that their behavior will change. But if it doesn’t change, you become upset, give them grief, and act in ways that are manipulative or controlling. That’s when you become the problem in the relationship.
I know I’m treading on thin ice here. I know there are people reading this saying, “Yeah, but their behavior is just reprehensible,” or “I just can’t stand it. How am I supposed to live like this?”
Maybe what they do today is nasty, dirty, or awful. Maybe they’re lying, cheating, stealing, or whatever you find unacceptable. And, maybe you’re reading this right now and thinking the other person should change their behavior because no one would find their behaviors acceptable.
I won’t disagree. I have my own judgments about other’s behaviors, too. I do believe some people need to change because I don’t like how their behaviors hurt me or others. I agree that some people do behaviors that are reprehensible.
But here’s the real question: Are they supposed to be the ones who change themselves? Or are they supposed to get into a space where they believe they need to change instead of me trying to convince them?
In other words, is it our job to change them? Or should they realize their behavior is harmful and change it on their own?
Or, maybe they’ll look at the people they care about and say, “I’ll change this behavior for them.” If that’s the case, there’s a problem with that. When somebody wants to change for another person, they don’t really want to change. Or, at least, without that person in their life, they probably wouldn’t feel any incentive to change for themselves.
That means if the person they wanted to change for wasn’t in their life anyone, the changes wouldn’t last. That person would very likely go back to their old behavior, which means the behaviors are still in them.
And even if they did change for another person and the changes stuck, they’re likely to develop resentment because they felt they had to change for that person. And when they become resentful, it comes out in different ways. Maybe they’ll directly tell you they resent you. Or maybe they’ll just be generally unhappy. Or at least not as happy as they could be.
Or maybe their resentment will come out in other small, destructive, passive-aggressive ways that will make you wonder why they’re so upset when you don’t think you did anything wrong. And you won’t be able to figure out where their upset is coming from, so you just wonder what’s wrong with them.
Some people change behaviors they don’t want to change just to keep you in their life. That doesn’t really mean they wanted to. They just didn’t want to lose you. Some changes like that can stick, but again, that person, if they really didn’t want to change, might not ever be as satisfied in life and the relationship because they had to let go a part of themselves they didn’t want to let go of.
Any one of us could go through this. You may change a behavior about yourself that you really don’t want to change because somebody else has a problem with it. But would you ever do that behavior again if that person wasn’t in your life? For example, if you enjoyed drinking alcohol but the people around you didn’t like that you did that, so you stopped, would you drink again if they were no longer in your life?
That’s how you can tell if a change will stick: You wouldn’t do the behavior even if the people who influenced you were no longer around.
If changing a behavior doesn’t negatively impact your well-being and allows you to continue enjoying life and the people around you, there’s really no cause for concern. For instance, imagine you love fishing, but you’re dating a vegetarian who often criticizes it, saying, “That’s so mean to the fish. Why do you do that?”
If you decide to give up fishing and instead pick up reading as a hobby—and you find it equally fulfilling—then that change might not impact you in a negative way. Without the impact, you avoid resentment, maintain your happiness, and continue to balance your life in meaningful ways.
This kind of adjustment can work well because relationships often involve small compromises. A change like this can help create harmony, deepen your connection, and foster an open, heartfelt bond between two people.
Sometimes, we do make concessions for others to strengthen the bond. This can work. What doesn’t work is the resentment part. If you change a behavior for someone but feel resentful for doing it, that’s when the relationship starts to go downhill.
Resentment destroys a relationship from the inside out, meaning it starts to disintegrate the resenter and chip away at all the good stuff about the relationship. Resentment often comes out in passive-aggressive ways. And if you don’t connect the dots as to why there are so many issues in the relationship, you’ll never figure out why things are falling apart.
When someone changes a behavior they don’t want to change, resentment is almost always a result.
Let’s talk about the person doing “reprehensible” behavior. This is behavior you can’t possibly accept and can’t stand being around when they do it. You don’t like even thinking about them doing the behavior. And when you do think about it, you boil inside.
When that happens, what you do from that point on will make or break the relationship and will make or break your heart or their heart. What I mean is if somebody does a behavior you don’t like, I believe it’s okay to talk to them about it. You might say, “Hey, look, when you do that behavior, it’s weird. It makes me look at you differently. It makes me look down at you. I feel like you’re better than that.”
Let’s just say you had that kind of conversation with them. It’s mostly an “adult” conversation. It’s still a bit judgmental (“I feel like you’re better than that.”) as it’s still placing your standards on someone else. But at least you’re able to say that you have a problem with what they’re doing, but you’re trying to handle it like an adult.
So you say something like, “Hey, when you do that, it makes you look immature. And I really thought you were more mature than this.”
Maybe they respond, “But this is what I like to do. And, it makes me laugh,” or, “I enjoy doing it. And I’ve done this all my life.”
At that point, your next step shouldn’t be to tell them to stop doing it. Doing so brings us into the “doing it for you” category, which can build resentment (and it will not likely stick). But you could ask them, “Hey, would you mind not doing that around me? It bothers me.” That might be the adult way to handle it.
And if they respond, “Oh, yeah, no problem,” then maybe there really will be no problem, and the relationship can go on without issue. That is unless you develop resentment because they won’t stop doing it entirely.
That’s another story. If you tell them not to do it around you but know they’re still doing the behavior at other times, you could develop resentment, which, as you know, will start to disintegrate the relationship from the inside out.
But let’s just say they agreed to stop doing whatever behavior around you. And you decided to be okay with that. That could be a great way to get along. I know two people in a relationship who do this. One likes to drink, and the other doesn’t like to be around when they drink. They have an agreement: Don’t drink around me. And they get along great, because the behavior never interferes with their together time.
But what if they didn’t create such an arrangement? What if the drinker in this example said, “No, I don’t want to do this by myself. This is who I am. This is what I do. And this is the way I’ll be forever.”? In that case, the other person’s next step, in my opinion, should either be to accept them as they are, adapt to who they are, or reject the behavior altogether and make a decision on what to do next for their own life.
When somebody says, “This is what I like to do. This is who I am. This is something I don’t want to change. This is the way I want to be,” then the next decision needs to be yours, not theirs.
This comes back to the four choices I’ve talked about in this article. You can either:
- Accept their behavior and stay
- Reject their behavior and stay
- Accept their behavior and leave
- Reject their behavior and leave
Three out of those four are okay, but one is not:
When you reject someone’s behavior but stay anyway, and you give them grief about it, showing them you’re visibly upset about it, you are the main problem in the relationship.
The reason you are the problem is that because you are staying in a situation you can’t accept, you are choosing not to honor yourself in the relationship; you’re choosing not to abide by your own values; you’re choosing to expose yourself to a possible toxic situation – and then you’re blaming them for you doing that to yourself.
That’s really the key to all this. When we’re with someone who does behavior that bothers us, and they won’t change even though we’ve had an adult conversation with them about it, we aren’t supposed to stick around blaming them for the behavior. We should be checking in with ourselves and asking, “Is this something I want to continue to allow in my life? Is this within my personal boundaries and values? Is this okay within the boundaries of our relationship?”
When you learn someone won’t change, it’s important to accept the choice you are making if you choose to be around them any longer. Exposing yourself to that behavior is on you. It’s about you at that point.
Don’t get me wrong, they could be doing something awful and completely against everything you believe in. But that’s why it’s so important to keep the focus on yourself and ask yourself, “Is this something I’m willing to continue to allow in my life?” Because there’s one thing you have to accept when someone’s doing something awful – and I believe this is the best way to make decisions – is to accept the person who doesn’t want to change will never, ever change.
When you accept that someone will never, ever change, the decisions you need to make for yourself become easier. I’m not saying those decisions are always easy to follow through on. It might be very difficult or impossible to leave a situation you’re in. You might not have the finances or the resources to do so. You could have other commitments together, like children or a shared business. But I believe you do have to look at the situation you’re in in a way that they’ll never, ever change.
So, if you’ve had the adult conversation and you’ve said their behavior bothers you, and they don’t want to change, then you bring the focus back on yourself. You look inward. You check in and reflect. And you decide if you’re going to be able to handle this or not.
To accept them as they are, you might have to move forward knowing their behavior bothers you but decide to be okay with it anyway. You could get to that point. I’ve done that with certain people in my life, and it’s liberating. I have chosen that those people will never, ever change. That gives me the freedom to stop thinking about them, hoping and wishing they change, and start thinking about what I want to do with my life – and if I want them in it.
If I do choose to keep them in my life, the most important part of all of this is that I am not allowed to give them any grief about who they are or what they do. I’m not allowed to make them feel bad about the behavior I don’t like because I have chosen to accept them as they are.
Some parents might relate to this because when their children exhibit behaviors they don’t agree with, they may not like the behavior but still choose to keep their children in their lives. They accept their kids as they are, behaviors and all, because maintaining a relationship matters more than trying to control or fix them. Instead of cutting them out, constantly yelling, or criticizing them harshly, these parents might think, “At least my child is still in my life. At least we have a connection. I wish they didn’t act this way, but they’re still my child, and I love them.”
This approach moves closer to unconditional love: being able to say, “I don’t like your behavior, and I don’t agree with it, but I love and accept you for who you are. If this is what you feel you need to do, I’m not going to stop you.”
It’s about stepping back from making someone feel bad about their choices. You might explain the potential consequences of their actions, but ultimately, it’s their life to live. This perspective is especially relevant in adult relationships, where it’s crucial to remember that both people are adults. They’ll make decisions they believe are right, fulfilling, or enjoyable, and we have a choice: to accept and adapt to those decisions or not.
However, this doesn’t mean you have to agree with or adapt to someone’s behavior. It’s about focusing on what’s right for you—what you’re willing to accept, tolerate, or expose yourself to. The goal isn’t to make them change but to decide how their actions align with your values and boundaries.
Again, some behavior you can’t accept. Some behaviors are way outside your values and overstep your boundaries, and you don’t want anything to do with them. When that’s the situation, remember, they’re never, ever going to change. That means in order to see change, you have to change because they won’t. That means making the decision to do the next right thing for you.
I Lied To My Partner About My Sexual History
I received an email with this very sentiment. A woman wrote to me telling me she lied to her boyfriend about her sexual history. She said he keeps bringing up the issue. She said, “At first, I did lie to him, but I felt so bad about that, so I came clean. But now he no longer trusts me. I don’t lie to him anymore, but I still have a problem sharing everything about my past with him.”
I want to address this question right away:
Why does anyone need to know “everything” that happened in your past?
That’s my only question. Why does anyone need these details?
Sure, if you’re into genealogy, it might be different. Or, if you want to know someone’s medical history because you’re concerned about having kids with them, I might entertain an argument there. But in most cases, nobody needs to know the specifics of your past.
I can’t imagine sharing specific previous encounters, especially of a sexual nature, with my partner. I mean, we’ve shared stories about previous partners, some sexual, but we’re at a point where we understand that having previous relationships means we’ve had sex with other people, and that’s just how it is.
When you’re in an adult relationship, you’ve most likely had sexual experiences. It’s a fact of life. When you were younger, or even now, you may have experimented. You may have tried different things. You may have done stuff others wouldn’t have done – because you were exploring, pushing limits, seeking an adrenaline rush, or simply acting on desire.
But nobody needs to know the details. That’s your body, your past, and you were the person you were back then. And if you aren’t that same person today doing those same things, then your sexual history is history. It’s the old you.
That’s why I ask questions like this:
Why does anyone need to know all the specifics of your past?
Why do they need to know about your sexual history?
What about your sexual history is going to affect them today?
Why did they choose you today anyway?
Did they choose you because they assumed you had a “cleaner” or less experimental sexual history?
Did they just make assumptions but blamed you when your history didn’t meet their assumptions?
If they made those assumptions, they should have probably asked you about your past before getting into a relationship with you. But honestly, your history shouldn’t even play a part.
Someone else’s sexual history, unless you’re a medical doctor or there’s some specific reason you need to know, is in the past. It doesn’t exist anymore unless it’s still happening today.
If this person who wrote to me said, “I am the same person I was back then, and I still want to be that way today. But I’ve decided to just be with one person and limit my activities with this one person and not explore what I used to do. But it’s still in me. And if I were single, I would still do what I did then today,” then that would still be okay (assuming it wasn’t illegal or hurting someone else) because it’s their life and their choice.
It’s okay to be who you are. But it goes back to what I said earlier: The person you’re with can either accept who you are today and adapt to that and be okay with it, or reject who you are today and not adapt to it. But if they reject who you are or who you were, you aren’t the problem anymore. They are.
Or, to rephrase it, if someone chooses to stay in a relationship with you but they keep putting you down for the way you were or are, they are the problem.
An adult response to behaviors one cannot accept might look like this:
“I don’t like the way you are. I don’t want your behaviors in my life. And every time I think about you being that way, it bothers me. So instead of staying and being upset with you because I can’t accept you as you are or as you were, I’m going to leave because you don’t deserve that kind of judgment in your life.”
Though that might be something very few of us would ever say so specifically, it’s an incredibly emotionally mature way to share something that’s on our minds. It’s very healthy communication. You’re telling the person, “You don’t deserve my upset because I can’t accept you as you are or as you were, but that’s my limitation. That’s my problem. And it shouldn’t be yours. That’s why I’m going to leave you. I don’t want to stay and be judgmental and critical toward you, which is what I’d do if I stayed.”
Again, that’s an incredibly conscious and emotionally mature approach, even though, if you said it, it could still be taken the wrong way. But it’s still coming from a place of self-honor instead of being selfish and controlling.
Own who you are and what you’ve done, and you’ll never have to argue with anyone.
Owning who I was is what I’ve done in my life. I just accept my past as if I expect others to accept it too. They may not. But if I’m going to be in a relationship with someone who can’t handle my past, they probably shouldn’t be in this relationship with me.
That may sound harsh, but why would anyone want to spend any amount of time with someone who judges them for who they were? That person doesn’t exist anymore. The “you” from yesterday doesn’t even exist anymore. You have an opportunity to show up as a new you every single day.
I’ve ruined so many relationships by not being accepting and continuing to cause other people to feel bad for their current and previous behaviors. I spent so long trying to make people I claimed to care about change into who I wanted them to be instead of accepting them as they are.
I was immature, both emotionally and psychologically. I feel bad for what they did to good people in my past. It’s embarrassing. But again, I own it. That’s who I was. I’m sure there are people who read my articles and listen to my podcasts who have judgments about who I’ve been. To them, I say: I deserve your judgments. I was that person and I can’t take back what I’ve done. I can only continue moving forward, trying to be the best person I can be for myself and others.
When I hit my thirties, I was starting to get more comfortable about the fact that everyone has a very unique and different past. In fact, I came to appreciate that quality in relationships. Eventually, I found it one of the most wonderful things about meeting other people. Our past is what makes us who we are.
When we carry around our standards and place them on other people and we become very judgmental, and we evaluate them, and try to control them, the relationship starts to fail because we believe that person could show up better. And we also believe that if they did show up “better,” we’d be happier.
But that is illogical. It’s flawed thinking because what can end up happening is that one person will feel pressure to change into something they aren’t only to make the other person happy.
And that’s all that happens: It only makes the other person happy. But it makes the first person, the one who changed, miserable. It makes them feel like they can’t be themselves. When somebody feels like they can’t be themselves, they start to close up. They start to put the emotional armor on. They start to feel unsafe with the person they’re with. Because if they can’t be themselves with the person they’re with, sordid history and all, the relationship starts to disintegrate.
Your Past Is Past
Why does anyone need to know about all the specifics of your past? The person who wrote to me, I know it’s a challenging situation because they’re dealing with somebody who I used to be.
I ask her: Why does your past need to be talked about? I never ask my partner about her past, especially when it comes to sex, because I really don’t want to know the specifics! I don’t want to see the imagery she might paint in my mind.
My partner and I have talked about our past a lot, including sexual experiences, But that kind of talk comes and goes like any other conversation. Then we move on.
I’m just grateful to be with her. I’m so appreciative that she chose me out of anyone she could have chosen to be with. I think she feels the same about me choosing to be with her. And, there’s trust inside our relationship. I think that is another big part of this whole thing. When you don’t have enough trust because of insecurities or because of maybe past trauma, either in the relationship you’re in now or from a past one, what can happen is that the other person may become super conscious of everything that’s going on, putting them in a heightened state of awareness.
When someone is in a heightened state of awareness, they might believe something is going on. And because of that, they might get a little paranoid (which it sounds like the person who wrote to me might be dealing with).
I think it’s important not to ask about things you don’t actually want to know about. Because when you hear the response, it might paint pictures in your head, causing you to create your own stress! It’s creating trauma where there doesn’t need to be any.
Imagine if you learned that your partner did something so sexually wild that you wouldn’t be able to handle it? My philosophy is if you can’t handle it, don’t ask. That doesn’t mean you should go into denial, but again, is it really necessary to know every facet of another person’s life?
If you do ask, or you get asked about your history, reply with another question: How much detail do you want?
I think it’s important to establish those guidelines around such a search for information. Ask, “How much detail do you want, because I’m happy to tell you everything, but I don’t want to paint any pictures in your mind of me doing things with other people and you feeling uncomfortable with it.”
That’s, of course, if you want to share. Which, as I’ve already stated, you don’t have to.
But don’t be ashamed or embarrassed by the “normal” or even crazy sexual encounters of your past. Unless it’s illegal or involved hurting someone, it’s your past and you have a right to have enjoyed it. If you didn’t enjoy it, or if you were hurt by it, then you might have some healing to do there. But I’m referring to the choices we all make throughout out lives that involve sex and being comfortable about owning even the wildest experimentation.
Your history is yours. Their history is theirs. What’s in the past is in the past. What’s in the present is all that counts.
Who they were at the time is not who they are now.
We’re different every day that we move forward.
We’re always a little bit different every day because of new memories of the day before.
So when things have happened to someone we know in the past months, years, even decades ago, focusing on those past events and thinking that the person is the exact same person that’s in our space today is unfairly judging them for who they were and not who they are.
That’s why I asked if the person is the same person today they were back then. If you focus on who they were, you’re focused on the wrong thing. This person who wrote, he’s focused on the wrong thing.
To the person who wrote, you said that you lied to him at first. You were probably embarrassed by something that you did in your past or maybe you lied for another reason. But let’s just say you were wild and crazy or maybe you did it a number of times. It’s still in the past and I think you should own it. I think you should be okay with it. Choose to be secure in your own past and even if you regret doing it, I still think you should own it .
When you own your past, you can say something like, “Yup. That’s what I did. That’s who I was at the time. Those were the decisions I was making at the time and maybe I regret them, maybe I don’t, but it happened. Nothing I can do about it now. Any questions?”
If that person’s boyfriend asked her for more information, she could ask, “What do you want to know? I’m willing to tell you anything,” but here’s the scary part: before saying anything else, she should say, “however, I’m going to give you every detail. And I’m going to do it owning what I did and being okay with who I am. And I expect you to be okay with who I am today and see me for who I am today. Because the person I’m talking about in the past doesn’t exist anymore. That person isn’t me.” Unless it is, then own that, too.
“I am who I am today. This is why we’re together. This is why you chose me and I chose you. Because if I was that person back then, I probably wouldn’t have chosen you because you would have had a problem with who I was. And I would probably have had a problem with you because you wouldn’t have accepted that kind of behavior. So, we weren’t compatible back then!
“But I’ve changed over the years. I’ve made different decisions. I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t like. And this is who I am today. So I need you to look at me for who I am today. And if you can’t see me and accept me for who I am today, then you have to deal with it in some way. You have to figure it out.”
This is called passing the ball back to him: “You have to deal with this because I can’t change my past and I’ve decided that I’m going to own my past. I’ve decided that my past is a part of me, whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not. It’s just the way it is. So I’m not going to apologize for something that I did back then when I didn’t even know you. My past is not about you, it’s about me. Let me deal with it in my way and accept me and support me for who I am today, not for the decisions I made back then.”
And to put the cherry on top: “And quite frankly, that’s none of your business. What I do today is your business. But what I did back then, you weren’t even around. I didn’t even know you. And even if you did, were we dating? Was it affecting you?”
You can tell where I’m going with this. I’m allowing you to have the past that you had and giving you permission to not feel guilty for that past because someone else has a problem with it. You don’t need to feel guilty because someone you care about is judging you for your past when they weren’t even around.
Now, let’s talk about the lie. The person who wrote said, “I lied to him at first and I feel bad about that and ever since then he hasn’t trusted me.”
I’d like you to read the article I did on infidelity because cheating is one of those things where a major betrayal takes place. And some people see a lie as a major betrayal. I personally see lying to your partner as a betrayal.
If my partner lied to me, I’d wonder what the heck for. I’d ask why she lied since there’s really no reason to. If she said, “I was so embarrassed, I really didn’t want to tell you,” and she finally came clean, I’d tell her, “You don’t have to lie to me about that ever. You don’t have to lie about anything to me. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay. I know you have to deal with whatever happened in your own way, but you don’t have to lie to me and I don’t want you to lie to me. I want you to be honest.”
To this person, you lied to him about your sexual history. You probably did so because you didn’t feel safe enough to share it with him. Maybe you knew that he would be upset by it and maybe that’s why you lied. That says a lot. If you know that he’s going to be upset about something regarding your sexual history, then that already shows that he may be a little bit sensitive to this subject matter. And because of that, you felt the need to lie.
That doesn’t justify lying, however. You might have been better off saying, “If you want to know the details, I’ll tell you, but you probably won’t be able to handle it because I know how you handle these things.”
You might say something like that. It’s a little bit of a dig, but you might say something like that and then you can have the conversation.
But let’s address the lie now. So you did lie and now he has this insecurity about your lies or he just has this feeling that you’re going to lie again or whatever it is. My take on lies or betrayal in a relationship is that there are three steps:
- Apologize and mean it. But only apologize once. If you apologize and you mean it, you don’t have to do it again. One heartfelt apology that is true and sincere is all you need. If he brings it up and you say, “I know, I’m so sorry, I keep telling you how sorry I am, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” then I see that as you didn’t really mean the first apology. Of course, I know you meant it, but it’s best to treat an apology as a one-time thing and mean it.
- Express remorse and make a promise. Here’s where you plant the seed that trust needs to rebuild again. Step two is telling him that this event will never happen again. “I feel really bad about doing that.” That’s remorse. “I wish I hadn’t done that and I feel bad every time I think about that.” And then you make the promise. “I promise you that’ll never happen again. I will never lie to you again. I feel really bad and it was wrong. I shouldn’t have done it.”
- When he brings up the primary issue again (in this case, your sexual history), redirect it back to him. Here’s how that works: When he brings it up, saying something along the lines of, “You should feel bad about what you did, I can’t believe you did that,” it shows he’s trying to make you feel guilty.
What’s your response?
Own what you did, then redirect it back to him.
You own it by saying, “Yes, that’s what I did. I can’t change the past. That is what happened.”
You redirect it by saying, “I’m sorry if you have a problem with it, but that’s your problem. It’s not my problem anymore. I’m dealing with it in my own way because it happened to me, not you. What I did is my challenge, my issue.”
Or maybe it’s not even a challenge if you don’t have any regrets. But the key with step three is that you own it first, then redirect it back: “This happened to me, and if you have a problem with it, you need to deal with it.”
At this point, you can also say, “Look, I understand if you still don’t trust me. I understand if you’re worried or insecure about trusting me. But I’m telling you right now that I will never lie again. So it comes down to your choice to trust me or not.
“You can choose to trust me so we can strengthen our bond again and repair the damage I caused with my lie. But eventually, you’ll have to decide whether to trust me or not. I hope you do trust me because I’m being honest. But if you can’t trust me, then you need to make whatever decision is right for you.
“If you don’t trust me, if you think I’m going to lie to you again and can’t get past it, then I want you to do what’s right for you. Make the decisions you need to make to feel more comfortable. It’s important for you to make the right decision for yourself. I’m happy to talk about this, but there’s nothing more I can say. I’ve already apologized and I meant it.”
All you’re doing is telling him what he needs to do if he is unable to trust you anymore. You are empowering him with the ability to decide what he wants to do next instead of spending any time defending yourself or making him feel better.
You don’t have to spend the rest of your time trying to convince him that you’re not going to lie again. This is being comfortable in your own skin and being proud of who you are and conveying that to the person you’re with.
If someone sees insecurity, worry, and constant apologizing, then you’re on the wrong side of the coin. You are not empowered. You’re in a very powerless place, and as long as you stay there, they’ll keep you there.
If someone doesn’t let you live down a mistake, just accept that they won’t change their mind and perhaps it’s time for you to change yours and decide to do something else with your life. That sounds a bit harsh, but when you’ve apologized, and you know you’ll never make that same mistake again, you don’t need to answer for it forever.
It’s okay to have your power back and feel good about yourself again. But you regain that power in a loving way by following the path I’ve laid out above.
To conclude, I made notes before writing this article to ensure I addressed everything, including the question: “Why do you have shame about your past?”
As you know, this article was about someone whose boyfriend was having issues with her sexual history, leaving her feeling bad and unsure of what to do. My immediate thought was, why does she feel shame about her past? Maybe she doesn’t, but if she were in front of me now, I’d ask that question.
Do you feel any shame about your past? Have you done something you regret and can’t get past it?
Unless you did something illegal, why should your past—whether it involved experimenting, partying, or intimacy—be a source of shame?
Sex is often treated as taboo, leading to insecurities we either project onto others or have projected onto us. I know this from personal experience. Growing up, I was insecure about my body and lack of sexual experience, compounded by exposure to pornography at a very young age, which gave me unrealistic standards. These insecurities bled into my relationships, making me judgmental of my partners’ pasts—a reflection of my own inadequacies.
But focusing on the past is futile. It’s like lamenting the extinction of dinosaurs—completely pointless. The past is gone. While accountability for recent actions is important, obsessing over what’s unchangeable only wastes time. Instead, we should focus on the present and who we are today.
I know people who’ve dated individuals with controversial pasts, like porn stars or exotic dancers. Initially, it was difficult for them, but they eventually realized that the person they love today isn’t the same person they were then. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love themselves back then either. Some don’t feel shame for things they did and they loved themselves just the same.
But no matter what, the key is: who are you now?
Own your past, but don’t let others’ insecurities make you feel bad about it.
Shame and regret should be reserved for truly significant things, not for being human and exploring life. Most people I know with “wild” pasts have since grown and settled into a new version of themselves. They’ve moved forward by owning their past and not allowing others to weaponize it against them.
For the person who emailed me: it’s not your job to make him feel safe about your past. You can say, “I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, but that’s who I was, not who I am today. If you can’t accept me as I am, you need to decide what’s right for you.”
Don’t carry shame or regret unless it’s truly justified. Your energy is better spent building a future than looking back at what’s already gone.
