How deep do you have to dig in order to figure out who you are? What does it take to respond to the world from that deeper, authentic place inside of you?
It can be a spiritual journey for some, but there are practical methods to understand yourself at the deepest level, too.
Who are you, really? Is it what you do, how you feel, who you know, what your name is, what your occupation is or what your hobbies are?
That’s not really who we are. That’s everything else about us, but it’s not who we are. It’s the sort of question many people meditate on.
Honestly, who I am isn’t something I think about a lot. It’s interesting, but I don’t think about it because I am too busy doing things. I keep myself busy. I work to make money. I do things to feel good and try to avoid things that make me feel bad.
The reason I created this article is because someone reached out to me and asked me if I had ever done any episodes on how to know what your true needs are in a relationship.
I gave them a couple of episodes to listen to. One of them is called Purging Awkwardness, the Perfect Partner, Lonely and Depressed, and the other is When Your Top Values Aren’t Being Met, the Rest Falls Apart.
Those are good episodes to help you understand what your true needs are. They may not answer the above question specifically, but that’s what I’m hoping to do with this article.
How do you know what your true needs are?
In the past, I’ve talked about how to discover your values and how to prioritize them, which prevents you from getting into any self-sabotaging situations. It comes down to if you do what is most important to you, in the order of importance, then you’re most likely going to have a happier, more satisfying life.
If, however, you do things that aren’t important to you or that you’re even against, then you’re most likely going to sabotage yourself.
That’s the entire premise of the self-sabotage product that I offer—it walks you through this process. But the whole point of that product is to help you figure out what’s most important to you so that you don’t set yourself up for failure, aligning with what’s not.
What is important to you?
You can look at that question in terms of the different categories in your life, like family, relationships, spirituality or religion, and finances.
What’s important to you financially? That you make a lot of money? That you make enough so you’re not broke? Those are important questions. And again, I talk about these as “values” in other episodes, but knowing your values can be helpful in understanding your needs in a relationship, too.
When you’re trying to figure out what you want in any relationship, even a friendship, it’s important to understand what’s important.
What’s important to you about a friendship?
What’s important to you about a romantic relationship?
What’s important to you about being alone?
These are all valid questions that help you understand if you’re going to have a comfortable or even satisfying and fulfilling relationship with any person or even by yourself. You don’t even have to be in a relationship to understand your needs or to work on discovering what they are, along with your values.
I view these as similar concepts: You have values, which are what’s important to you.
Then you have needs, which are also important.
I could debate back and forth with the differences, as some might be a need that wouldn’t necessarily be important to you. But because you need it, I could probably make a case for or against it. However, I think they’re generally in the same category.
Your basic “needs” are oxygen, food, water, shelter, etc. But those are given. I try to exclude those from the equation when considering what you value.
Here’s the question I always like to ask:
What is important to you when no one else is in the picture?
This is akin to being alone, but some people actually prefer solitude. But that’s why I ask: what’s important to you, or even what do you need to feel good when you’re alone?
Figuring that out is part of it. But when we look deeper, when we think more profoundly, and when we reflect on who we are at the deepest level, what is truly important to you about being you?
“I must feel the sun every day” could be important to you.
“I need to breathe in fresh air, feel the sun, and splash water on my face.“
“I need to walk through the woods.”
“I need to play my piano, my guitar…”
It’s a path to discovering how you feel satisfied and connected with yourself.
One of the most crucial steps I’ve learned on my healing and personal development journey is learning to connect with myself. I think some people rely too much on others to bring them satisfaction or joy in life. And that reliance can hurt them if that person leaves or passes away.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t have people in our lives who bring us joy. But I am saying that when we depend on someone else to fulfill our needs and wants, and they become our only source of those needs and wants, we’re putting all our eggs in one basket.
If all our eggs are in one basket and that person leaves or they become upset with us, and we have no other support system (especially internally – how we support ourselves), what do we do?
I was this way for a long time. For a good 35 years, I relied on others to fulfill something within me that I hadn’t found in myself. I’m not disparaging that way of being. I do believe there are people who come into our lives to fulfill a purpose because we can’t or don’t know how to do it ourselves.
Mentors in all forms can be transformative. They can enter our lives and change everything because they fill a gap in our knowledge or provide the guidance we need. Whether it’s a mentor, a friend, or a romantic partner, if they have a healthy perspective—a perspective we aspire to adopt or learn from—it can be incredibly beneficial to our personal development.
But what if we can’t find someone like that, or the person we need doesn’t exist?
In a conversation I once had with my partner, Asha, I noticed that she occasionally becomes irritable when she’s hungry (I hope she never reads this!), a state some refer to as “hangry.” In that state, she becomes perturbed and upset for seemingly no reason at all. She even speculates that she might be hungry during those times, but it doesn’t really calm her down, knowing that.
These interactions made me reflect on how hunger and fatigue can lower our emotional filters, allowing past grievances, which we may have thought we’d overcome, to resurface. As Asha spoke about issues she believed she had moved past, she expressed lingering upset.
However, once she ate, her mood improved significantly! It was a joyous occasion for us both.
This raises the question:
Is it possible to heal and still have what might be considered an ‘open loop’ (an unresolved issue)?
You might believe you’ve healed, forgiven, or forgotten, and you feel fine until that one moment of vulnerability, such as hunger or fatigue, then suddenly, the issues from the past rise up and out of you, practically unstoppable.
During my reflections about my conversations with my partner, I wondered if negative events from our past, even ones we believe we’ve healed from, are actually still there in some way, waiting to be brought up again when we are vulnerable.
Or, maybe when we are in a type of “lowered” state (hungry, tired, in pain, etc.), can this state allow these negative thoughts and feelings through, causing us to have an unnecessary emotional response?
There’s certainly science behind the concepts of being ‘hangry’ and how physiological states can affect our emotions. It prompts the question of whether anything is ever truly resolved, or if certain triggers can always reignite old feelings.
Yet, in my own life, I’ve healed from issues that truly no longer bother me, even when I’m tired or hungry. This does suggest that resolution is perhaps possible for almost anything, assuming all the healing needed has taken place.
How we react, I believe, can serve as a gauge to determine what internal issues might still need to be addressed. In my Healed Being program, which was created to help emotionally abusive people heal and change, I emphasize the importance of recognizing emotional triggers.
One of the first questions to ask those in the program is, ‘When you are triggered, ask yourself if you are tired or hungry, as these states can often be the root of your emotional response.’
When we’re in a “weakened” state, we’re more susceptible to annoyance and triggers, which can leave us feeling on edge. When we are energized or properly nourished, our triggers and reactions may differ.
If you find yourself properly nourished and still getting triggered, that is an issue you definitely want to address. If you feel good, not tired, not hungry, and you’re still experiencing anger, there may be legitimate reasons for that upset.
However, if it’s an emotional trigger that you’d prefer not to have, or one that causes issues with others, then it might be worth addressing. If you believe there’s no need to address it, yet you’re well-nourished and not fatigued, you might want to reconsider that stance.
I digressed slightly, but I want to return to the core question: Who are we at a deeper level?
Digging Deeper into Yourself
One method I employ to explore this is a meditation I perform on occasion. The meditation involves contemplating how you would show up in the world if you were the last person alive.
How would you feel?
What would you do?
What would you think?
What would be your daily routine?
This type of visualization or meditation is powerful because it allows you to learn about yourself without the influence of others, their judgments, or the fear of needing to be honest with someone else. You can be truly free to be whoever you want and do whatever you wish.
In this scenario, there would be no other people, so it really is a journey into the self. It might seem lonely or sad, but if you had to accept this reality, what would you do?
Personally, I imagine getting an RV (no need to pay for it) and just driving, exploring as far as I can, hoping that gas stations still function. I would likely be searching for others, even though I know people no longer exist. Perhaps this is my desire to connect with something greater than myself.
So, what about you? If you were the last person on Earth, or if you woke up to find everyone else had vanished, how would you cope? You can imagine any scenario for their disappearance.
There might be sadness or grief, or perhaps you would simply accept it and see what happens next, taking life minute by minute, day by day.
Eventually, you would have to come to terms with the situation. And this is the direction I’m guiding you in with this article.
Some people might wonder about the point of existence if they were the last person on Earth. And if that’s you, I urge you to view it as a chance to learn about yourself. It’s not about the possibility of others returning or not. It’s a mental exercise to explore your identity when there’s no one else around.
Who are you when there’s no one else around?
What activities do you engage in?
What are your thoughts?
How do you fill your time?
Would you observe nature, sit by a waterfall all day, travel, or drive a fast car?
Reflect on how these ideas make you feel, what brings you satisfaction, and what lifts your spirits. It might be tough when you’re alone, but you would adapt and find ways to thrive, like gathering canned goods or living in a cold climate to keep food without electricity. This is part of my own meditation, my method for examining my desires.
This exercise is a thought experiment, a way to probe your inner self and discover what you truly want in life. It’s a starting point that might reveal essential needs and desires that are missing from your life.
For instance, through this meditation, I realized that travel is something I desire more than I had recognized. In my routine life, I’m consumed with work, recording shows, writing blog articles, working with clients, staying busy, and attending to my partner, all of which I enjoy. But if all that disappeared, what would I want to do then?
This question connects with something profound within me. And I’m hoping this sort of reflection helps you uncover your internal needs, akin to a spiritual journey within. By engaging in this type of self-examination, you might discover aspects of yourself that were previously concealed. It’s a way to connect with your deeper self and identify what you truly need.
What About Our True Needs in a Relationship?
When it comes to relationships, I think the very first step to understanding what you need from a partner and the relationship as a whole is to first understand your true needs within yourself. I believe it’s crucial to know who you are, what you want, and what you need when no one else is around. The meditation I mentioned above is one technique to help you in this discovery, if that’s a journey you want to pursue.
Another approach is to simply ask yourself a question like, “What would constitute the perfect day for me?”
That should reveal a lot! A “perfect” day for me might be one where I could spend time alone for a while. Or perhaps it’s one where I am surrounded by everyone I love. It would depend on what I needed at the time I asked myself a question like this.
What is your definition of a perfect day? Do you experience enough of these perfect days?
Someone reading this might say they lack the resources or the time to create such days within their bustling lives. I get it! And I don’t have a solution to all the obstacles we face, as I find myself in similar situations. But this is precisely why I engage in meditations like the one I described earlier.
When I visualize myself as the last person on Earth, it is to reconnect with my deeper wants and needs. It’s also to assess whether I’m walking a path of balance. During this visualization, I pay close attention to what brings me joy.
For instance, I play classical guitar. I’m not that good, but I really enjoy playing it. And when I play it, I feel completely grounded and focused. I consider this hobby a conduit to my deeper self. When I play, worldly concerns fade away. All my financial worries or any relationship issues I may have become irrelevant.
One of my favorite classical pieces, called Milonga, I learned to play on my guitar during a period of deep depression following a significant breakup. I felt completely alone (like the last person on Earth), and I remember searching online for classical guitar music. I don’t think YouTube existed back then, but I ended up on someone’s website. That’s when I watched him play. I teared up. It was beautiful. And in that moment, I committed to learning it. It was more complicated than any other song I’d learned previously. But I made it my mission to learn it completely.
It took time, but I eventually got through the whole piece. And now, whenever I play that song, the music moves me. I become oblivious to the world and profoundly connected to myself.
It’s in moments like these that I truly find myself. These are the experiences I strive to preserve in my life because they are the essence of who I am. For the heck of it, I decided to see if I could find that specific video again, and I did! Here’s the video that helped me through my depression. It was healing and exactly what I needed at the time.
I think it’s important to incorporate these self-connecting moments into our lives, even if for five minutes in any given day. These moments help us connect with our desires and needs, letting us know what’s most important to us. And when we learn that, we take what we know about ourselves into our relationships.
The reason it’s important to take what we value in and about ourselves into our relationships is that it’s possible to lose those parts of ourselves when we’re in one, to the extent that we may one day forget what those parts are. We might lose touch with our true needs and desires.
This is a common theme I talk about with emotionally abusive relationships. There are many people who have reached out to me and shared something along the lines of, “I am a shell of my former self.” This tells me what’s important to them – what they value about themselves and life in general – became lost or suppressed during their time with a toxic person.
I ask them the question: Who were you before the relationship started?
Their answer has the lost pieces of themselves within it. They may have entered the relationship as a vibrant, intelligent, self-assured, and happy person, but the other person may have chipped away at their very essence. And even if they left the relationship, or the other person stopped the emotionally abusive behaviors and started changing, the victim of that behavior may still need a lot of time to either rediscover themselves or rebuild themselves from scratch.
This journey of self-reclamation is so important. It’s how people in a situation like this regain their power (and their sanity, sometimes). But some people who have experienced long-term abusive behavior may actually forget who they were. That’s when they may need to rebuild themselves from scratch.
I’ve also heard some people say, “I’ve never been happy. I’ve never felt peace or satisfaction. I’ve always been on edge. I’ve always had a little bit of stress. I came into the relationship like this, so maybe something’s been missing forever.”
That’s tough because if you’ve never felt any other way, you may have no reference for what peace, comfort, or happiness even looks or feels like. When there’s no reference to those things in your life, it’s hard to “reclaim” them.
That makes sense. Without a reference to past positive thoughts and feelings, it can feel nearly impossible to get back to a state of mind that never existed. This is why I give you that visualization or meditation, or whatever you want to call it. It’s to help you discover who you are when no one else is around because other people can really, well, screw us up!
Everyone has an influence on us. Some good, some bad. But when we’ve had bad influences all our lives, that can affect us deeply. And we can take their influence with us into our lives and relationships. If you were born to parents who affected you negatively, you have likely taken their influence with you and made it a part of your belief system. We can make their influence our reality, sometimes making our self-esteem nonexistent.
If you’ve had no real positive influences since childhood, you may have no reference for what peace, comfort, or happiness looks like. How are we supposed to feel worthy, lovable, and important if those feelings never existed in us in the first place?
Where do you get feelings of peace, comfort, or happiness if they never existed in your life in the first place?
That’s why “self-parenting” can be so important. If you don’t want to visualize yourself being the last person on Earth, visualize yourself being your best parent to yourself. Be to yourself what your mom or dad couldn’t be – or pick a mentor you would like to be guided by. Be the person you can trust 100% to give you what you never got when you were a child.
This does take work. It takes time, by yourself, with yourself, for yourself, to give yourself what you’ve been missing all your life. But when you connect with yourself in this way, it helps you to create more resources and more references about what is missing in your life. It helps you discover what you need to do to be comfortable, peaceful, happy, or whatever you’re trying to attain.
A journey like this, to be honest, isn’t easy. But that’s why it helps to dive into yourself so that you know what’s missing at a deeper level. That might feel impossible at first (how can you know what’s missing if you’ve never had it in the first place!?), But I am sharing this to help you start opening your mind to it, as a seed that is planted today to blossom into a fully mature flower in the future.
For some, something might be missing in their life, but they don’t even realize it. They just don’t feel complete, so they walk through life without realizing they need anything. They may even think they have everything they need when the reality is that they are simply unhappy or don’t feel comfortable in their own skin.
Some people don’t even realize anything is missing in their lives, but they still feel as if something’s wrong.
These people may walk around knowing there’s more to life, but they can’t figure out what it is. Or maybe most of these people have come to accept that this is the hand they’ve been dealt, and they’ll just have to deal with it.
If you feel that way, just let me assure you, there is more. There’s a lot more. And sometimes it’s not outside of you. Almost always, it starts inside you. And once you are able to set up a good, solid foundation for yourself, what you need at the deepest level, you can build up from there.
This doesn’t mean you have to discover everything that you need. It just means that you have to start somewhere. I always like to start with my foundation. I like to start with the initial building blocks of who I am.
I enjoy a night out once in a while, but would I say “having a good night out” is part of the foundation of what makes me, me? Is that enough to say, “As long as I can have a night out once in a while, I’m good.”?
Maybe that’s a great foundation for some, but I need more. My foundation wants to know the answer to the question, “Why do I enjoy a good night out?”
Some might say that’s a silly question. But seriously, if you were to try this on and you like a night out now and again:
Why do you enjoy it?
Why is it fun or relaxing or whatever? What about it makes it so?
How does having a night out affect you at the deepest level?
What does it do for you long-term?
Does it feel good in a deeper way that is more meaningful than just something on the surface?
Answering these questions helps you understand what you need at your core, the very foundation of who you are. That way, using this example, feeling comfortable in your own skin isn’t just about having a night out. It’s about the reasons a night out is fulfilling to you.
For example, having a night out usually involves friendships and conversation, two things that I really enjoy and don’t get to do at home. I have conversations with my wife all the time. But when we’re out, we get to engage our brains in a different way. The conversations are different. The personalities are different. There’s a lot of “novelty” for my brain to feel like it’s getting rewarded.
That’s important to me. That rewarding feeling of connection and socializing helps to build my foundation in a way that reminds me I need connections like that to feel good in myself. That means I don’t have to rely on a night out to achieve that. In other words, once you know the reasons you enjoy doing something, those reasons can apply to other things, too.
Socializing doesn’t have to be a night out. It can be at a library during the day. It can be on the phone (not my preference as I prefer in-person connections). It can be stopping for lunch at a diner where you know the staff.
The reasons help us to energize the foundation of who we are. If you’re not energizing your foundation, the rest of it may have trouble. In other words, it might be more difficult to build upon a foundation that hasn’t been “energized,” so to speak.
Energizing a foundation just means fulfilling the deeper needs and reasons you feel good doing the things you like to do. Or, to put it plainly, you may like to enjoy listening to live music. But what about that experience do you enjoy? Does the music help you relax? Does it help you disconnect from the stressors in your life? Is the element of not being at home a part of it?
All the components that make up the reasons are your foundation. Get clear on the reasons you enjoy what you enjoy, and you’ll discover more ways to build upon your foundation.
Does this solve all the world’s problems? No, probably not. Does this make you happy in the midst of chaos? No, probably not. But what it just might do is give you the first step into a journey that changes you in a small way. And every small step is one step closer to something better. At least, that’s how I see it.
