One thing I’ve learned about emotionally abusive relationships is that most people don’t realize they’re experiencing it until they’re already deep in it.
And some never recognize it until years after the relationship has ended. Emotional abuse isn’t always obvious. In fact, it may be one of the most insidious forms of abuse there is.
Emotional abuse is not like physical abuse, where you can see the bruises. It’s subtle. It creeps in slowly, changing how you feel about yourself one interaction at a time. And that’s what makes it so dangerous. By the time you realize what’s happening, your sense of self has already been eroded.
In this article, I’ll outline the most common forms of emotionally abusive behaviors and how they not only destroy relationships but also cause sometimes long-term damage to the person experiencing them.
At its core, emotional abuse is a daily drip feed of hurtful behaviors that slowly erode who you are – your self-worth, your confidence, your sense of reality, and your ability to trust yourself. It’s when someone who claims to care about you consistently treats you in a controlling and manipulative way, causing you to feel bad when they don’t get what they want from you.
In the most basic language, emotional abuse is the abuse and manipulation of your emotions. It changes how you feel about yourself and life in general. And it can make you feel unloved, unworthy of affection, and completely powerless.
The Components of Emotionally Abusive Behavior
“Emotional abuse” is a broad term for all kinds of behaviors. To narrow it down to just a few words and definitions does not even come close to what occurs in an emotionally abusive relationship. The term I used above, “drip feed,” gives you a clue to just how pervasive it can be, like a toxin being injected into your nervous system.
The following are just some of the behaviors to look for to help you determine if you might be experiencing emotional abuse. For a complete assessment of your relationship, you may want to get The M.E.A.N. Workbook, a definitive guide to help you determine exactly what’s going on.
Emotional abuse consists of:
- Criticism and Judgment
They’re supposed to lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. But instead, they’re constantly pointing out your flaws, making you feel like you’re never good enough.
This might sound like, “You’re terrible at managing money,” or “You always mess things up,” or “I can’t believe you chose that, what were you thinking?” These comments chip away at your self-esteem bit by bit.
Self-worth and self-esteem are directly negatively impacted by emotionally abusive behaviors.
Their judgment and criticism often come disguised as concern or helpfulness. They might say they’re just trying to help you improve, or they’re being honest because they care. But there’s a difference between constructive feedback and constant criticism: One builds you up, the other tears you down.
Here’s an article I wrote on judgment that outlines how this behavior truly destroys relationships. - Controlling Behavior
This shows up in so many ways. It might be someone who needs to know where you are at all times, who you’re talking to, what you’re doing, what time you’ll be home, and even when to keep your mouth shut.
It might be someone who makes all the decisions in the relationship without your input or gets upset when you don’t do things their way. You’ll experience this when you don’t follow their rules and don’t (and probably won’t ever) meet their expectations.
Controlling behavior works spectacularly well when you are dependent in any way on the abusive person. This one concept will help you discover where you need the most work if you are currently experiencing emotional abuse from someone close to you.
The more dependent you are on someone for your wants and needs, the more control they have over you.
If you depend on them financially, emotionally, or socially (where they are your sole friend and connection), they can and will use those dependencies against you to keep you controlled. They know you need them. And they leverage that need to get what they want.
I’ve worked with people who couldn’t make a single decision without checking with their partner first. It makes sense to check with your partner on many things, but everything?
I’m talking about people who can’t choose what to wear, what to eat, who to see, or where to go without asking for permission or direction, or they’d hear about it.
And if they did make an independent choice, there would be consequences. Maybe not physical consequences, but emotional ones: The silent treatment, the guilt trips, the anger, the disappointment.
Emotionally abusive people have a fear of getting an outcome they don’t want, so they control others to make sure they get what they want instead. - Manipulation
Manipulation is everywhere in emotionally abusive relationships. It’s when someone twists situations to make you feel like you’re the problem. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you would do this,” or “I wouldn’t have to act this way if you didn’t make me so angry.” They shift responsibility for their behavior onto you.
The goal of manipulation is to twist reality in a way so that you must submit to the will of the manipulator. It’s basically crazy-making, or what most people call: - Gaslighting
Even though gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation, it’s often more insidious and deserves its own article.
Gaslighting is when someone makes you question your own reality. They might deny things they said or did, even when you know they happened. They might tell you you’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting, or you’re remembering things wrong.
Over time, this makes you doubt your own perceptions and memories. And soon, you start thinking maybe you are crazy and that maybe you are the problem.
I’ve heard from so many people who say, “I thought I was losing my mind. I couldn’t trust my own thoughts anymore.”
Gaslighting makes you dependent on the other person’s version of reality because you can no longer trust your own. If someone gaslights you to the point where you have to rely on them to define reality for you, you will be in an emotional black hole that you have to crawl out of with every ounce of your energy.
One who gaslights wants you to stay in a confused state so that you’ll lose common sense and believe the reality they paint for you. - Stonewalling
This is when someone completely shuts down communication. They refuse to talk to you, refuse to engage, and refuse to work through actual problems in the relationship.
Someone who stonewalls might give you the silent treatment for days or weeks. They might walk away every time you try to have a conversation about something important. This will leave you in a state of constant anxiety.
Stonewalling is similar to the emotionally abusive silent treatment (when someone withdraws love and connection to make you feel wrong and guilty). It is a manipulative way to make sure they never have to take responsibility for their bad behaviors.
Stonewalling is when someone walks away from a challenging conversation about the relationship because they don’t want to be blamed for something they know they did wrong.
And when they stop the conversation and disconnect from you, they want you to feel like you did something wrong. When you assume that, you might find yourself apologizing to them.
You soon learn that your apologies and the extra attention you give them, hoping they come back to you, do cause them to reconnect with you and open up again – but not to take the blame. They do their best to avoid that and may even stonewall again if you bring it up. - Blaming
Somehow, everything is your fault:
If they’re angry, it’s because you made them angry.
If they’re unhappy, it’s because you’re not doing enough to make them happy.
If the relationship is struggling, it’s because of your issues, your problems, and your shortcomings.
The blamer never takes responsibility for their own behavior. There’s always a reason, always an excuse, and always someone else to blame. And usually, that someone is you.
The blamer becomes an expert at The Turn-Around Game, where they keep you busy explaining and defending yourself so that, by the end of the conversation, you forget what you were blaming them for. - Put-Downs and Name-Calling
This is an obvious one, but so many people start accepting it as a new normal that it’s no longer seen as abuse, but instead, as “they’re just being difficult,” or something similar.
The first time someone calls you stupid, worthless, pathetic, ugly, or any other degrading term, it’s going to hurt like hell. You’ll wonder why this person you’ve come to love and trust is saying something so awful.
But every time they hurl insults at you after that, it becomes part of the relationship as a whole, not seen as abusive any longer, but just who they are.
Anyone who puts you down or calls you names and isn’t made accountable for it will never, ever stop doing it.
If this has become your new normal, remember, it’s all abuse. When they mock you, belittle you, make fun of you, treat you with contempt and disrespect, again, it’s all abuse. And no one deserves to be treated like that.
Some people try to pass their insults off as joking. They’ll say something cruel and then tell you “you’re too sensitive,” “it was just a joke,” or “you need to lighten up.” But jokes are supposed to be funny. If you’re the only one not laughing, it’s not a joke. It’s cruelty disguised as humor. - Isolation
Emotionally abusive people often try to separate you from your support system. They might not like your friends, they might have problems with your family, or they might make it difficult for you to maintain relationships outside the partnership.
Isolation is when an abusive person wants to be your only source of support, friendship, love, happiness, and your only connection to other people, because that allows them to keep their power over you.
Sometimes this happens gradually. They start by making negative comments about your friends. Then they get upset when you spend time with them. Then they create drama or conflict whenever you try to see them.
Perhaps they even triangulate (pitting a third party against you, between you and a friend or family member) to make you feel ganged up on.
Eventually, you decide it’s better to stop seeing your friends and family than to deal with the challenges of keeping those connections. And that’s exactly what they want.
Isolation is the slow destruction of your support system and the growing dependence on the abusive person. - Threats and Intimidation
If you are afraid that someone might hurt you, yourself, or someone you love, you are in a very serious situation. And it doesn’t even have to be a physical threat. Some people know that you don’t want them to hurt and that you’ll do anything to keep the relationship going, so they’ll see those good qualities as vulnerabilities that they can exploit to get you to do what they want.
More threats include someone making you think they want to leave you, or threatening to ruin your reputation, or even threatening to take your children. They might not follow through on these threats, but the fear they create is real, so you will start walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering their anger or their threats.
The most insidious and difficult threat to deal with is when they threaten to kill themselves if you choose to leave. Someone who does this is putting you in a very challenging position that can feel impossible to resolve. I created an episode on this important subject. It’s required listening if you are in that kind of situation. - Withholding Affection – The Emotionally Abusive Silent Treatment
Similar to stonewalling (see #5 above), when someone only shows you love and kindness when you do what they want, that’s conditional love. And conditional love isn’t really love at all. It’s a transaction:
You behave a certain way, you get affection. You step out of line, the affection disappears.
This creates a dynamic where you’re constantly trying to earn their love, constantly trying to be good enough, constantly trying to avoid doing something that will make them withdraw from you. It’s exhausting and demeaning.
This cycle repeats to contribute to trauma bonding that forms in abusive relationships:
Withdraw, reconnect, withdraw, reconnect… It’s a constant up (feel good) and down (feel bad) cycle that rewires the brain to believe that it’s normal for love to accompany abuse. - Jealousy and Possessiveness
These are not signs of love, no matter how often you see these things get romanticized in our culture. When someone is excessively jealous, when they can’t handle you talking to other people, or maybe they even accuse you of cheating without reason, that’s not because they love you so much. It’s because they see you as their property, not as an independent person with your own autonomy.
These behaviors typically stem from fears of abandonment and rejection. They can also spring up later in life if one has had a real reason to feel threatened by someone else paying attention to their partner and their partner reciprocating.
Jealousy and possessiveness can damage the feelings of security and trust in the relationship and should be handled sooner rather than later. I created an episode on this subject that will be very helpful to you if you’re dealing with anything like this. - Minimizing and Invalidation
When you express hurt or frustration, and the other person tells you you’re making a big deal out of nothing, being dramatic, or overreacting, they’re invalidating your emotional experience.
Your feelings matter. If something hurts you, it hurts you. No one else gets to decide whether your pain is valid. Someone who feels that you’re too sensitive or making a big deal out of something small is what I would call insensitive to your sensitivities.
Someone who cares about you should care that you’re hurt or sensitive to something. And because they care, they should want you to feel better, not worse.
Telling you that you’re overreacting or too emotional is the same as saying, “I don’t care if you’re affected. Your feelings don’t matter to me.”
Obviously, anyone who might say something like that is being hurtful and selfish. But when they don’t use those words, what you hear between the lines when they say you’re overreacting is exactly the same thing.
Caring people want you to feel good and happy, not wrong for having feelings.
How To Communicate With Someone Who Is Being Emotionally Abusive
In an emotionally abusive relationship, it can be difficult to tell the perpetrator of the behaviors what they’re doing without having it turned around on you, making you believe that perhaps you’re the abusive person. They can twist your words in such a way that you’re made to feel wrong or guilty for even suggesting they’re being hurtful.
This is why I came up with the following question. When you can’t seem to communicate to someone how they are making you feel, ask them:
Do you realize that what you’re doing or saying is hurtful?
That question is important for many reasons:
- It makes them aware they’re being hurtful, just in case they didn’t know.
- It makes them realize that now you know that they know they’re being hurtful.
- If they truly didn’t believe they’d been hurtful, they now know that if they do the same behaviors going forward, they do so knowing they are hurting you.
- It empowers them to make the right choices going forward. You’re not telling them to change – you’re giving them the choice to do so. Making that choice is what’s important for healing, if they decide to make changes.
- If they do say yes, and they know they are hurting you, then you know where you stand in their life.
Let me share the most important point of all:
If someone continues to do emotionally abusive behaviors after you’ve told them they are hurting you, it means they’re choosing to hurt you. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, that’s 100% abuse.
The question, “Do you realize that what you’re doing/saying is hurtful?” gives you both the opportunity to change what needs changing. The abusive person, whether they know they’re being abusive or not, has a new choice in how to treat you. This is their moment of truth:
Are they going to continue mistreating you? Or are they going to reflect on their behaviors and make some changes?
You get an opportunity to change as well, because what’s going to happen if they continue doing behaviors knowing they are hurting you? Where does that leave you? When you know someone is making the choice to cause you to suffer, does that change everything?
Don’t They Know They’re Hurting Me?
The honest answer is: Some do. Some don’t.
It’s not every emotionally abusive person’s intention to be abusive. Most abusive behaviors come from childhood survival mechanisms, where, as children, they developed ways to cope with challenges, so it’s possible they never learned how to cope in a healthy way.
This is why many people who joined my Healed Being program didn’t realize just how destructive their behaviors were until it was too late. Even obvious emotionally abusive behaviors can feel justified to abusive people.
But there are those who do know they are hurtful and don’t care. They just want what they want, regardless of what you want. When you’re dealing with someone like that, there’s nothing you can do or say to change them. They aren’t interested in your pain and suffering; they are only interested in getting what they want.
But that’s why the question I mentioned above is so important for both of you. You both get to learn real quick what happens next when they can no longer claim ignorance of their hurtful behaviors.
Again, some emotionally abusive people may not know they’re being hurtful. They may even see you upset after they do or say something to you, and still not connect the dots that they are the sole reason for that upset.
But after you ask that question, anything they do from that point on reveals what your life will be like going forward.
I know this subject very well, not only because I have studied it and worked with many individuals and couples on relationship issues, but I was also an emotionally abusive person in my previous relationships. I had no idea that what I was doing was considered abusive. My partners didn’t even know I was abusive, either. They just knew they didn’t like the way I made them feel.
I take full ownership of who I was back then. I am transparent about it in my two podcasts and in articles like this. And it’s been my mission since 2013 to help others in emotionally abusive relationships change and heal. Because, quite often, both partners need to change and heal.
The victim of emotional abuse needs to change so that they are more aware of the abusive behaviors and know what to do when they appear in any of their relationships. They also need to heal due to years of psychological and emotional damage.
The perpetrator of abuse needs to change for reasons that are very clear, but they also need healing because no one is born to abuse others. No one comes into the world wanting to hurt other people. It’s not in our wiring to be hurtful. Defensive and protective, maybe. But selfish, hurtful behavior is learned. And unlearning it while creating new ways to cope with challenges as an adult is what’s needed.
Changing and healing for me meant letting go of my attachment to being right (because I thought I was right about everything!) But it still took a long time to heal my emotional triggers and figure out why I acted so selfishly and entitled all the time.
I remember the moment I realized how awful I’d been acting. It was in my previous marriage, and my wife and I were temporarily separated. We had intentions of getting back together, but she took some much-needed time away from me.
During the first couple of weeks she was gone, I reflected on everything that went wrong in the relationship. And I came up with the question: I wonder what she feels like when I’m being this way?
I was thinking of the times I was critical and judgmental toward her, and when I would withdraw love and connection. And as I sat there “trying on” what it must be like to be her with me as her husband, doing those behaviors, feeling empathy for what seemed like the first time ever, I felt sick to my stomach.
I couldn’t believe I had treated someone I loved that way! I nearly vomited remembering all the times I made her feel guilty for being herself or withdrew love and connection just because I didn’t get my way.
In my previous relationships, I often acted like a spoiled child who moped until I got what I wanted. That is a sign of covert narcissism, in case you’re wondering. I definitely had narcissistic qualities. I coerced and manipulated my previous partners in passive ways so that I appeared to be the victim of their behaviors instead of the other way around.
After that sick feeling, realizing how hurtful I’d been to my then-wife and all my previous partners, I had to sit in my misery, reflecting on all the people I hurt because I couldn’t accept them as they were. I spent all my time trying to change and mold others so that I’d be happy regardless of their happiness.
I don’t say this with any pride. I still feel bad that I did any of those things to wonderful people who didn’t deserve it. But I share this because a part of my healing and change over the years involved opening up about my past behaviors and being transparent about who I used to be.
Even way back then, I knew I had to take responsibility for who I was. And making it public, as I do in my podcasts and articles, means other people will certainly judge me when they find out how I used to behave. And I’m okay with that.
Quite frankly, I deserve judgments and criticism. I was unhealthy, dysfunctional, and toxic. As much as I thought I was loving and supportive, I’ve learned those were lies I told myself that kept me from healing. I never wanted to look within to fix my relationship issues. I was always too busy trying to make others the problem.
The realization of my own emotionally abusive behaviors was the impetus that started my healing journey. I am so glad my ex-wife chose to honor herself and leave me at that time in my life. She found herself again, and I finally discovered who I was and who I needed to be.
In fact, after our divorce, I refused to get into another relationship until I figured out why I had behaved that way. I knew if I didn’t heal, I’d simply bring these behaviors into the next relationship.
But that’s why I created the Healed Being program that I mentioned earlier. I know there are people out there who recognize these behaviors in themselves and want to change, too. This program has helped literally thousands of people understand their patterns, address their insecurities, and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
My Healed Being program is my effort to help abusive people heal and change, and my free podcast Love and Abuse is how I try to give back to those I and others have hurt.
My hope is that with my help and so many others in this space teaching what abusive behavior looks like, the more people who choose to change and heal, the fewer people will have to deal with the type of person I was and so many others are.
Can The Emotional Abuser Change?
If you’re in a relationship with someone who refuses to see that what they’re doing is hurtful or wrong, then no amount of explaining, showing them articles or resources, or trying to make them understand is going to change them.
Abusive people have to want to change. They have to recognize they have a problem and be willing to do the work.
That’s one of the hardest truths about emotional abuse. If you are experiencing it yourself, know that you can’t fix it by being better, trying harder, or by loving them more. The change has to come from within them. And if they’re not willing to change, you might have to make changes yourself.
I’m not saying leaving is the answer. Some relationships can heal if both people are willing to do the work. In fact, I’ve heard from quite a few people who’ve completely transformed their relationships. Both partners ended up happier than they’d ever been.
But I’ve also heard from people who realized they needed to leave because the other person wasn’t willing to change. When that happens, sometimes the best thing you can do is remind yourself that your worth has nothing to do with how you’re treated. Some people are just horrible when it comes to learning how to treat others.
The answer to: Can they change? Is absolutely yes. I’ve seen nearly all the people who joined my program change. Some were able to save their relationships. Others didn’t. But change is possible for those who admit they do the behaviors and want to stop. But that’s the key: They have to want to stop.
The Bottom Line Is That Emotional Abuse Destroys Relationships
That’s the cold, hard reality. Emotional abuse destroys trust, intimacy, connection, and love. It turns partners into adversaries. It creates a dynamic where one person has all the power, and the other person has none. And that’s not a relationship. That’s domination.
But relationships can heal if both people are willing to do the work. The person who was abusive needs to take full responsibility and commit to changing. The person who was hurt needs to decide if they’re willing to give the relationship another chance. And both people need to be honest about what they need going forward.
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these descriptions, whether as someone experiencing emotional abuse or someone engaging in it, know that there is hope.
Change is possible.
Healing is possible.
Better relationships are possible.
You don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns. You don’t have to keep hurting or being hurt. You can make different choices. You can learn new ways of relating. You can build the kind of relationship you actually want, one based on respect, trust, and genuine care for each other’s well-being.
That’s what this work is all about. Not just identifying the problem, but finding the path forward. And not just understanding what’s broken, but learning how to fix it. And especially, not just surviving, but actually thriving in relationships that bring out the best in both people.
Emotional abuse doesn’t have to be the end of the story. It can be the beginning of a completely different chapter, one where you show up as who you want to be and are accepted for the person you are.
It can also be the beginning of a brand new step into a life you don’t yet know or understand. To many, that sounds scary as hell. But never let the fear of the unknown keep you in fear of the known.
The hardest decisions to make are always the ones you can’t predict. But what’s worse is when you can predict exposure to the same bad behaviors day after day but choose to do nothing at all. And choosing to do nothing means you will get the same thing you’ve always gotten. And you deserve more than that.
 | Paul Colaianni Paul Colaianni is an Emotional Abuse Expert and Behavior and Relationship Specialist who has been analyzing complex relationship dynamics since 2010. As the creator of the Healed Being program and host of the top-rated Love and Abuse and The Overwhelmed Brain podcasts, with over 21 million downloads worldwide, he specializes in helping people recognize hidden manipulation, navigate emotionally abusive relationships, and empower themselves to make informed decisions. |
