People-pleasers appear to be very thoughtful. They will do everything they can to make sure those they love (and even those they don’t) are happy.
At first, this sounds like the ideal person to have in your life! After all, if they are set out to make you happy, who could ask for anything more?
The problem for people-pleasers is when they wear out and run out of “pleasing steam”. What started out as a genuine desire to please others transformed into resentment and even downright anger after a while. The people-pleaser can only please so much before they crack. And some will crack but you’ll never know it. They might be sarcastic and do passive-aggressive behavior, or get angry for seemingly no reason, but there is a reason.
People-pleasers are seen as thoughtful and kind. And they really are, but they are usually looking for reciprocation of some sort. If they make others are happy, they themselves will be happy. They do what they can to please others hoping to receive similar treatment in return (I know this from experience, being a former people-pleaser myself).
However, full reciprocation rarely happens unless they meet another people-pleaser. The challenge there is that people-pleasers rarely gravitate toward each other. That’s because there’s no “feedback mechanism” in place.
A people-pleaser needs to find someone who enjoys attention and being pleased. Many times, this type of person can become dependent on the people-pleaser and enjoy being waited on hand and foot. That’s a slight exaggeration, but not always! Sometimes it’s very true, which is why many people-pleasers build resentment against the “takers” in their lives.
The takers keep taking because the pleasers keep giving. It’s a machine that feeds into itself (feedback mechanism) and it never ends until one of them disconnects and seeks something more for him or herself. Typically, the pleaser has to be the one to detach and let go, because what incentive is there for the taker to do so?
Almost none!
It’s easy to be served, pleased, and have everything taken care of for you. It’s like being treated like royalty. But what does this mean for the people-pleaser? It means they have to come to a realization of one thing:
No matter how much time and energy you put into pleasing others, no one will ever be able to reciprocate at the level at which you please.
In other words, if you please others 90% of the time, you might be pleased by others less than 5% of the time. Why is there such a wide gap in this ratio? Because people-pleasers don’t hang around other people pleasers for one. The other reason is that people-pleasers typically never stop pleasing! They’re always worried about how others feel and never usually focus on their own happiness.
If you spend the majority of your time focused on others’ needs, you will drain yourself of yours and be at an emotional deficit 95% of the time. If you’re a people-pleaser, the math never works in your favor – it only highlights a major issue in your life. For people-pleasers, they have three easy steps to a happy life. Want to know what they are?
The Three-Step People-Pleasers Guide to Happiness:
- If it drains you of your happiness to give your time and energy to others, stop giving now.
- If you have any resentment or anger about giving to others, stop giving now.
- If you are with people that don’t reciprocate, stop giving now.
These aren’t hard and fast, absolute rules, but they paint a bigger picture of how to get beyond the level of draining your emotional bank account. Giving, caring and pleasing others is supposed to come from a purely compassionate and caring place that involves no anger and no resentment.
If that seeps in while you’re giving, then you’re really not giving anything, you’re sacrificing yourself. Sure, sacrifice is noble and bold, but doing it every day with everyone (or many people) you know is a fast track to a breakdown. I know this because I had one about every four years as a people-pleaser.
People-pleasing is learned at a very young age and typically involves a parent or caretaker that got set off easily. The child figures that if they do what they can to please the parent that the parent will be nice to them. When the parent is nice to them after that, the child keeps that “tool” and uses it over and over again with almost everyone they meet. It’s sad because that tool works so well that people-pleasers think there’s nothing else they can do, so they stay that way. Then they wonder why they’re never happy.
If you’re a people-pleaser, you can be happy. But step one is to realize that you don’t have to please all the time. Sometimes just take time for yourself. Honor yourself and give yourself what you need first, even if that means someone might be upset with you. You may have to go extreme and say to yourself, “So what! I can’t please you because I’m pleasing me. Live with it.” It can be hard to jump into that because you’re so used to being who you are.
But you can do this. Don’t spend your life thinking that you have to make everything right for everyone else. Make things right for yourself first. Then, when you have excess compassion and generosity to give, you can make others happy without the expense of losing a part of yourself.
For more on people pleasing, read this article
Oh boy, this came at the right time! My husband does and does and does for those in his life that are closest. His parents, our boys and me. I also believe he does this for all of his clients, and at the end of the day, he’s happy with some and over-the-top angry with others. Unfortunately, like you said, he gets burned out.
I got home the other dsy after being away for 11 weeks caring for my mother. While I was away he did a lot of extra things around the house that were really great. I praised him again and again for his thoughtfullness, tenacity and good work. Later on, I moved some things from one drawer to another because it was more convenient. I told him what I was doing and he didn’t object. I went upstairs and when I came back all the knives and other kitchen stuff was a thrown out of three drawers and you could tell he flipped out. Spatulas were bent, the knives I brought into the marriage were in complete disarray etc…. a complete jumbled mess. The mess looked like how I felt afterwards and since. This is not the first time, abd he has alienated our kids because although he does an enormous amount for them, his angry outbursts (always just slamming doors and yelling at himself) are very hurtful and scary.
I was very upset. So, I apologized over and over. I wrote him an email apologizing again, and included how he deserves better. He deserves someone who does more for him than He does for me. He hasn’t spoken to me since, except to ask what I wanted for dinner …. more people pleasing, but I am so upset. This happens about once a month and honestly it was nice to be away from walking on eggshells and apologizing when he is angry.
is this a people pleaser who then is passive agressive? I feel trapped because he does so much, but the price is high.
Oy vey! 16 years of this is really old. 😢
That would get old very fast! It sounds like he attaches strings to the “selfless” acts he does for others. When you give to someone with the expectation of a return of some sort, you’re not really giving at all, you’re manipulating other people to get what you want.
People pleasers tend not to outwardly seek a reciprocation, they usually hide their expectations hoping the other person will just figure it out. I would say it’s unusual for such an outward display of anger or upset to show itself like that, though I’m open to learning that it’s quite possible that this is passive aggressiveness played at a higher level.
I think my response would be something like, “If you really did this to make me happy, and you knew that putting the silverware in the other drawer would make me even happier, why would you get mad that I did it? I thought making me happy was your goal?”
Reminds me of the episode of The Simpsons where Homer got Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. He was so excited to get it for her. She opened up the gift and said, “I don’t bowl. Why would you get me a bowling ball?” Then she turned it over, and the ball had engraved in it, “Homer” indicating that Homer really got it for himself and never intended to make her happy.
Now, there is a flip side to this! And it’s something I experienced when I was married. Once, my wife came home having purchased a bunch of those Clif Bars (snack bars) for me and I was ever so grateful and thankful. She was SO happy she could do that for me. And I was very touched she thought of me. When she showed me the bag full of bars, I thanked her and showered her with love. Then I dropped the bomb on her and said “I’m so sorry, I know you were thinking of me when you got those and I’m grateful, but I don’t like Clif Bars.”
Her smile disappeared and she got angry. I apologized again but at that point, her investment of time and energy was deemed pointless and therefore, she felt unloved and as if I were ungrateful. Consciously, she knew it was silly to be angry, but emotionally, she couldn’t shake it off.
If I could go back in time to that one moment, I would have eaten every single one of those Clif Bars without thinking twice. I had no idea she’d be so upset.
Do I think you should live with the “selfless” things he does for you, even if you don’t like them? Not necessarily, but it might be better to wait it out a bit until the emotional high of pleasing has worn off. In other words, if you move silverware the same day you thank him for putting it there, it might come off as ungrateful. However, if you use it for a week or two and realize it’s not going to work where they are, you could ask, “Do you think the silverware would be better in that drawer instead?” Allowing him to answer could empower him and make him feel good that you asked.
Or not.
It’s tricky. He may just be highly sensitive, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I think what I might end up doing if it were me is give him an example of what he did for you. Organize something in a way that you know would be inconvenient, then present it to him as if you poured your heart and soul into it. Then when he doesn’t like it, you can say, “That’s alright! I want us BOTH to be happy with it. Let’s work on it together.”
That way, when something like this happens again, you can remind him of that time you worked together to make it great for both of you.
It’s a tough situation, but you’re right it has probably gotten very old. Stop walking on eggshells – that’s the worst. Manipulation in the form of gifts is very challenging, because it pulls at your heart just before it gets ripped out. Ouch!
Thank you so much for sharing.
Paul, my question to you is: Can someone who developed this extreme people-pleasing behavior, as a child of an abusive mother, overcome it at 56? I have been dating a man for 3 years who is an extreme people pleaser, and can even recognize it and talk about it, but then still allows it to happen regularly. He then builds up so much resentment, mostly towards his ex-wife and children, that he then explodes with anger; mostly verbal, but will also break things, similar to the above story. We have sought counseling together and I asked the counselor to give suggestions for tools to set boundaries, express anger healthily, and the counselor suggested Googling it?? Needless to say, that went nowhere fast… I have not been able to get him back to counseling since. At this point, I am really doubting whether he can change those behaviors anyway? Any insight?
Google it? Well… you found me! 😉 Seriously though, that’s not what you want to hear after paying a counselor.
Yes, one can heal at 56 or 96, it doesn’t matter. We’re all children who grew up into adult bodies anyway and are now facing the world as if we know what we are doing. Sometimes we heal from the past and can move through life a lot easier, and sometimes we keep that past as a part of us and react to life as if we were still that scared / hurt child.
I used to have similar characteristics. What it involves is honoring personal boundaries. It’s standing up for that child that’s still in you and protecting them from harm. That harm comes in the form of people asking more of you than you want to give, but you letting them do it. The man you’re with is probably something I call over-compassionate. He cares so much about other’s feelings that he foregoes his own.
When you are kind or compassionate to the point you create a deficit in yourself, you are honoring others dishonoring you. That’s really what it all comes down to. So the man in your life would rather let deteriorate a part of himself than have anyone see as anything but a “nice guy”.
Then, he gets angry at other people because he thinks they are the one crossing his boundaries and “they should know better”, but in reality, he is allowing them to cross his boundaries and never speaks up about it so they never learn what’s acceptable to him and what’s not.
I have many episodes where I talk about personal boundaries so my show is a great start for his journey out of this. The bottom line is that the more he pleases others, the less he really cares about himself. That’s blunt, sorry, but when you really care about yourself you take steps to honor yourself. And you let others know when they are crossing your path.
The real question is what is he afraid of if he chooses to say what he means and honor his own path instead of the path others want for him? To respect someone who disrespects you makes no sense, so there must be a fear in him that if he says “Yes” when he really means “no”, he thinks something bad will happen.
My take on that is, “Bring it on. Let something bad happen. At least I stood up for what is right for me and my family.” Yes, that could mean you are yelled at, fired, rejected or even punched in the face (hope not) but it usually takes a huge leap of faith to reach the belief that you’re going to survive and things will get better when you honor yourself.
I realize he doesn’t want to see therapists any longer (who would after being told to “Pay me and I’ll tell you where to find the answers!”) but maybe he’ll listen to this show. Especially if just just casually play the right episode at the time he just happens to be listening 😉
Thank you for sharing and asking this question – it’s vital. I know I’ve specifically addressed people pleasing on a few episodes but look for the one titled: Building Emotional Deficit on this page: http://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/podcasts/
That will be a good start.
I hope this helps! Thanks again Michelle.
Thank you so much Paul, I will see if I can make that happen. I think it would be a great start! I guess there’s hope in that he recognizes it.. everything you said makes sense. I think the fear in him of what will happen if he says no is what drives him, sad that one can carry those wounds from childhood for so long.
Fear drives a lot of behavior unfortunately. A leap of faith into the unknown is the biggest first step (I know, I’ve taken it), but you do survive and you build character and boundaries and a whole lot more.
I don’t have time to people please anymore. You should ask him, “If you knew next week was your last day on Earth, would you feel the need to please others to the end, or would you do something different?”
His response will say a lot. The misunderstanding is that People Pleasing isn’t really a genuinely kind, authentic act anyway. Kindness to others comes from kindness toward self first. If it’s not in you, you can’t be that for anyone else. So… really… he is manipulating others.
Ouch! Hard to believe, but in an effort to make them happy, he is actually selfishly manipulating the situation. If that’s his intention, then there’s not much you can do. Though, why would anyone’s intention be done at the result of anger and outbursts?
You really have to wait for him to want to change anyway. There’s a point where he’s going to be so burnt out that it won’t matter what people think anymore. At that point, he won’t want to people please because he won’t be able to. He’ll have no energy left!
I’ve re-thought this article and have changed my original position. I’m not so much a people pleaser as I am someone who wants to make a difference. I don’t have children or family who need the skills I have, so I look to my work to help anyone who needs me.
Other than a strong desire to make a difference, I have a very comfortable and happy life. Being unemployed is especially difficult for me. I would be a great analyst, teacher, therapist, tech to layman translator, nurse, researcher, etc., just to name a few (even though I don’t have the degrees to do many of them). Being unemployed feels like wasting valuable time when I could be making a difference.
I’ve confused the idea of people pleasing with the idea of making something of myself. All I need is a job that can pay my bills, where I can be physically comfortable and where I don’t have to be on the clock if I have nothing noteworthy to do. Wanting to make a difference isn’t a selfless desire – quite the opposite.
This is a great conclusion! People pleasing comes at the cost of your own happiness. If helping others is your way of experiencing meaning and purpose and it energizes you instead of drains you, then you are right on.
I think when you have time to yourself, it’s a great time to improve and educate yourself so that you can bring the best version of you into the next situation, let alone volunteer to others that might need it – which is another way of making a difference.
Great stuff Heidi! Glad you’re not a people pleaser 😉
I’ve been a long time people pleaser, but I’ve always kept my wits about me (personal relationships aside). I was the employee who would literally go down with the sinking ship if it would mean giving a company the edge they needed to stay afloat. Because of that, I assumed the people I worked with would at least acknowledge my loyalty – I didn’t need to be knighted or anything of the sort.
What I didn’t expect was people who would find my mistakes, no matter how minuscule, and how I immediately created a process to keep those mistakes from happening. The strangest thing I found is how the major mistake which passed through every checkpoint) was not blamed on me – although in part it should have been and yet I immediately came up with a solution. Not only that, but I was discredited by an opinion I rendered not 2 minutes before another employee rendered the same solution.
The part I feel the guiltiest about is doing things I wouldn’t think should be actions of an honor, trustworthy and decent. The problem is I wish I could do things that are outside of the rules, selfish and self-centered,
How do you stop being a people pleaser without ending a marriage though? I mean, I wanted to break up, she wanted to get married and we got married. She had an affair, i wanted a divorce and she wanted a 2nd, 3rd, 10th chance….3 years later we’re still married. I still do 90% of the housework and childcare. Ive gotten better at not letting her always have her way…but id be joking if i said i dont feel burned out and used after 20 years with her.
And yes, divorce would be the best/healthiest option but that is not a possibility at this time due to kids, finances, and the fact thats just too big a step for me. I have to figure out how to save a realtionship built on making her happy….its not like i can just stop trying to please her and do what i want (unless i want a huge child support bill and never see my kids)
At what point will you stop pleasing others to the detriment of your own health and happiness? You are continuing a pattern and there is no end because you keep finding another reason to continue the pattern.
Every scary step is a big step, especially for the people pleaser. When the kids finally grow up and you make it to the point where finances aren’t the issue anymore, you will probably find another reason to continue the pattern.
The people pleaser doesn’t make waves because that might make people judge them to be bad. A people pleaser wants to be seen as kind and compassionate. It’s a way to receive love and make friendships and feel special. But at the cost of their own happiness… so what’s the point?
Every time you say Yes when you want to say No is like saying, “I don’t care if I’m happy or not, as long as you’re happy”.
If you don’t care if you’re happy, then why are you even worried about the marriage, or the affairs, or even being burnt out. You don’t care if you’re happy so what does it matter?
I realize I’m being a little harsh, but I’m doing so just to make a point that the reason you are on this path and will never get off of it is because you have created a false belief that if you don’t make waves that your life will somehow be better because of it.
How is your life better today? Sure, you may have some wins, but overall, how is it better now? Your relationship sounds like it has a lot of issues. She is not going to change because you enable her to do behavior that you don’t like. Why would she change? It’s never going to happen.
In answer to your question, the path to stopping people pleasing shouldn’t rely on ending or saving a marriage, it should be something you want to do for yourself regardless. If you really want to alter the path of your life and start creating the life you want as opposed to the one you don’t, you work on improving yourself. Those who truly love and support you will love that you are growing and healing.
Those that don’t won’t want to be associated with you anymore. There really is no telling whether improving yourself will stop the marriage. It probably will because you will realize that you don’t like pleasing others at the cost of your own happiness.
Ending the marriage is still a choice. Healing from the people pleaser doesn’t take away that choice, it just highlights it in a way that makes your choices more clear.
I wish you the best through this. Thank you again for sharing.
Have you considered a perspective shift where she’s still a great friend and the mother of your kids but the both of you have an open polyamorous relationship and everyone gets to be happy? At the end of the day there’s still love there. All You Need is Love; John Lennon, smart man, shot in the back, very sad.