If you find yourself people-pleasing for love, attention, or fear of confrontation, then this is article is for you.
As a former people-pleaser myself, I’ve learned exactly what it takes to become very proficient at it. I’ve gained much wisdom since growing out of that phase of my life, so I thought I’d share with you my tips on how to become the best people-pleaser possible.
Of course, if you are already a people-pleaser, you may gain some extra skills reading this article.
Are you ready? Here are the eight steps to becoming the ultimate people-pleaser:
- Don’t respect yourself before you respect others or you will start building self-worth and self-esteem.
Feeling valued and worthy will rattle the foundation of people-pleasing. Respecting others over yourself is one of the keys to maintaining your people-pleasing status.
- Don’t be too self-compassionate. This can lead to dangerous revitalization and renewed energy that might break you from the people-pleasing path.
You must spend all your reserve energy on other people so that you aren’t wasting precious caring and nurturing on yourself.
Self-compassion leads to feelings of acceptance and love, which might make you show up in the world as more authentic and more willing to step outside your comfort zone.
Master people-pleasers do not step outside their comfort zone.
- Only honor people that rarely reciprocate.
If you accidentally create a balanced give and take with someone else, you risk forming authentic bonds with people who actually care about you instead of taking advantage of you.
Your people-pleasing status will certainly be threatened if you honor only those that give back in kind. This rolls right into number 4.
- Give most of your time and energy to the Takers.
Takers make the best friends, family, or partners of people-pleasers. In fact, there’s no better match for someone who loves to give their all to someone who only likes taking and never giving back.
Constant giving to a Taker helps drain the people pleaser so they can get a great night’s sleep.
Takers have no desire to do anything while the people pleaser is around. It is a synergistic relationship that energizes the Taker and drains the pleaser.
- Never express what you really think and feel, it will show others that you respect yourself.
If you start being authentic and expressing what’s really on your mind instead of what you believe others want to hear, you will start fostering healthier relationships with boundaries.
This may also lead to getting excited about waking up every morning to do what you want, instead of doing what you believe others want.
Expressing yourself is a scary path to a blissful liberation where joy and happiness meet. It’s nothing you want to be a part of if you want to become a dutiful people-pleaser.
- Repress anger, sadness, and upset. Expressing these will reveal to others that you are a real person.
The authentic expression of the full spectrum of emotions we all experience will let others know that you honor yourself. If you instead express the negativity, people will start to realize that you don’t appreciate being walked on or taken advantage of.
If you lose your doormat status, you will fail miserably at people-pleasing.
- Never, ever make your own decisions. Always wait for someone else to decide, then follow their lead.
In order to be the most effective people-pleaser possible, you must let someone else make decisions for you even if you completely disagree with them.
If you speak up and let them know what YOU think, you risk being exposed as an individual who has opinions that are valid and just as important as anyone else’s.
People-pleasers don’t allow this belief into their heads.
Only use placating questions like, “I don’t care, what do YOU want?” to make sure you don’t lose your people-pleasing way.
If others were to learn that you are willing to ask for what you want, they might start respecting your opinions more and want to spend more time with you.
Stay indecisive and always agree with someone else’s choices over your own. Doing so paves the way to people-pleasing mastery.
- When someone you care about asks you “What’s wrong?”, always reply with “Nothing. I’m fine.”
You must do this every time!
You cannot ever tell someone else that something is wrong, otherwise you risk a deeper connection with compassion, sympathy, and empathy.
This type of connection from another person could destroy your people-pleasing forever. Do not mess this one up or you will no longer feel so alone in your faults and misery (an admirable quality in a people-pleaser).
By isolating yourself from the world so that no one knows you are angry, sad, or upset in any way, you don’t get to experience all those useless caring emotions that make you feel loved and supported.
Practice, “Nothing, I’m fine” especially in relationships so that your loved ones will never have the opportunity to offer you the love and support that you so desperately want but are afraid to ask for.
People-pleasers only give, they never ask for what they want or need. Doing so would unravel the very fabric of their existence.
I recommend that you practice these 8 steps until you master them. They are vital along your journey to becoming the perfect people-pleaser.
Of course, this article is completely tongue-in-cheek, but I hope the message of how self-destructing people-pleasing can be was conveyed clearly.
I’ve summarized the lessons into a printable list below. Whenever you need guidance, refer to this list:
- Never respect others at the cost of your own self-respect
- Never overdo compassion for others if you are not being compassionate toward yourself
- A balanced relationship requires giving and receiving, not just one of those
- Takers never give back and they will use your generosity until you are depleted
- Self-respect is caring about yourself so much that you express to others what you really want and feel
- You have every right to express when you are angry, sad, or upset in any way
- It is okay to have a different opinion than someone else
- You are allowed to feel not fine too and ask for what you need from others