Silence can be golden, but in a relationship, it can lead to a slow death. It’s crucial to understand how damaging withdrawing love and attention can be.
Over time, with ongoing neglect, love can dissolve to the point of no return.
There are three main levels of silent treatment:
- Processing time to figure out what to do with new information.
- Cool-down time to regulate what might normally be a heightened response.
- A way to make someone you care about feel bad.
The silent treatment is a behavior some of us, including myself, have used when upset, unwilling to talk, or, as I stated in number 3, wanting to make someone feel bad.
There are various reasons for giving someone the silent treatment. In my marriage, I used it to make my partner feel guilty, believing that if she felt guilty enough, she’d change her behavior.
I’ve mentioned in previous articles and podcast episodes about how my partner was an emotional eater, which I found challenging. I’d make her feel bad for eating sweets and junk food. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I had to heal from my high judgment and standards in my marriage. This behavior was emotionally abusive.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, though not always. If someone says, “That person gave me the silent treatment,” it’s emotional abuse 90% of the time. The other 10% might be processing time.
The silent treatment has many facets. It could be someone needing to process new information, like, “What just happened? I don’t know what to do with you just said (or did). I need some silence and space. I need to reflect on this and think about its implications for me, our relationship, and our future.”
This type of silent treatment isn’t abusive. It’s asking for space to process. It’s okay to tell someone you need space. And, hopefully, the person you’re telling this to respects your need for alone time.
Having freedom to be alone is important, though not always possible due to kids or obligations. Even ten minutes in the bathroom can provide a little alone time for processing.
Another type of silent treatment is when you’re so upset that speaking might lead to regrettable actions. In these cases, it’s better to say, “I need time to myself to process this. I’m very upset right now.”
You have every right to ask for time alone if you need processing or cool-down time. It’s healthy and normal.
Now, let’s discuss the silent treatment with the intention of making the other person feel bad.
The Emotionally Abusive Silent Treatment
Emotional abuse can severely damage a relationship. It can cause it to dissolve and be destroyed bit by bit when someone chooses to be silent to hurt their partner instead of expressing the problem. In my previous marriage, I didn’t like when my partner ate junk food and sweets because I feared she would gain weight and I’d become less attracted to her.
I admit these thoughts were shallow, unkind, and mean. I was judgmental about her behavior. When you’re overly judgmental, there’s a point where the other person gets increasingly upset at you. Eventually, you shut down and become silent because you don’t know what else to do or say.
I reached that point where I knew she wasn’t changing, so I decided to withhold love, affection, and connection. I made sure she didn’t feel love, support, or nurturing from me, hoping she’d feel bad enough to change.
This approach is effective in making someone feel bad, but it’s not effective in causing lasting change. Some people might change to avoid the silent treatment, but it doesn’t usually last because they’re not changing for themselves.
My partner wanted to make changes. She knew she struggled with emotional eating. That was her challenge, but I made it our challenge – my challenge – and that was a big problem. As soon as I made her problems my problems, it became an issue in our relationship. When I made it my mission to help her stop emotional eating, it became a huge component of my emotional abuse in our relationship.
I should have said, “That’s your issue, and I’m here to help if you need me. I understand it’s your challenge, and I won’t give you grief about it. I won’t comment on it or give you dirty looks. I know it’s hard enough for you to deal with on your own, without someone else judging you, telling you what to do, what to eat, and how to eat.”
I wish I had been a healthier partner, showing her she had someone in her corner. Instead, the silent treatment showed her she was alone, and I was looking down on her for not succeeding. I was essentially saying, “I think you’re inferior because you haven’t changed. You’re the problem causing all the strife in our relationship.”
By withholding love, connection, and support, I forced her to deal with her challenges while also coping with a committed partner who treated her as if she were worthless. I can only imagine how small and insignificant she felt in my eyes.
If you’re giving or receiving the silent treatment in an emotionally abusive way, this is likely what the recipient experiences. My partner became unhappy, depressed, and lost her passion for life. She didn’t know what to do with herself. Meanwhile, I remained angry and silent, hoping she’d feel guilty enough to change for me. I watched her digress, becoming more depressed and less passionate.
Even as I saw her fading, I continued to blame her, saying, “Look what she’s doing. She’s not doing enough for herself.” I was stuck in that dysfunctional mindset, pointing fingers at her for everything she was supposedly doing to herself.
In reality, I was the one hurting her. I wasn’t connecting with her, loving her, or supporting her. I wasn’t being the person she committed to – the one who was supposed to love and honor her, make her feel safe. I was supposed to be her rock, the one who made everything okay when the world was falling apart. But I wasn’t. I was silent.
My silence stemmed from being wrapped up in my own judgments and anger. Instead of dealing with these feelings and looking inward, I failed to realize that her emotional eating wasn’t the problem – my judgments and anger about her behavior were.
I lacked acceptance of her behavior and was unwilling to express how it affected me. I was too cowardly to express myself, fearing that if I did, she might see me for who I really was and leave me. My fear of rejection and abandonment prevented me from being honest.
I needed someone to love me, support me, and connect with me. I wanted her to be everything I needed, but I couldn’t reciprocate. I couldn’t provide the same love, support, and connection that I so desperately craved from her.
I chose to close up, withholding love, affection, and everything else because I was angry at my partner’s behavior. This destructive approach led to the downfall of my relationship and marriage.
If you’re on the receiving end of the silent treatment, it’s crucial to understand that it’s not your fault. While you might have done something that triggered this response, the emotionally abusive silent treatment is never justified.
In any relationship where someone doesn’t express their true feelings – be it anger, disappointment, or anything else – because they’re afraid of your reaction, a huge rift can form. This can lead to a point of no return, regardless of whether it’s a romantic partnership, a sibling relationship, or any other connection.
When someone uses the silent treatment to hurt or make you feel guilty, hoping you’ll change, it rarely works as intended. Instead of prompting self-improvement, it often leads the recipient to feel unlovable, unworthy, and depressed. This approach has the opposite effect of what’s intended, causing the person to feel worse about themselves, unloved, and unsupported.
If the silent treatment is a regular occurrence in your relationship, not just a rare event, it’s important to recognize that the relationship has little chance of survival. Using silence as a weapon against someone you care about is like shooting them emotionally.
Sometimes, the person giving the silent treatment might feel a sense of victory when their partner begs to know what they did wrong or how to fix things. This can reinforce the behavior, making them think it’s effective. However, if you consider the long-term effects, does the silent treatment ever truly make a relationship better, happier, or more fulfilling?
In reality, the emotionally abusive silent treatment disintegrates relationships. As it continues, the relationship starts to flounder and dissipate. Eventually, there’s no more caring or love because one person is always upset and withdrawn, and the other is constantly trying to avoid making them upset.
This creates a vicious, dysfunctional cycle. If it’s a regular part of your relationship, it’s likely not fulfilling. You’re left with a partner who isn’t present and seems upset all the time.
In trying to make them happy, you might end up feeding into their narcissistic tendencies. While not everyone who uses the silent treatment is narcissistic, there’s often a narcissistic element to this behavior.
To break this cycle, someone needs to step up and say, “I see what’s going on here. How do we get out of this? I can’t be part of this anymore. If you have a problem, don’t be silent – be expressive.” It’s only through open, honest communication that relationships can heal and thrive.
I once shared a story in my podcast about how my now-wife had a tendency to disconnect from me for extended periods at the beginning of our relationship. When we first got together, she would go silent for a month or two at a time.
It wasn’t complete silence, but rather a lack of connection – no eye contact, minimal physical contact. This behavior drove me crazy, especially since I had worked hard to overcome my own dysfunctional silent treatment habits.
I thought we had both done enough healing to avoid these issues, but I was wrong. I’d say or do something that upset her, but I wouldn’t find out until a month later. During these periods, I felt no love or connection from her.
The first time this happened, I confronted her, asking what was wrong. She said “Nothing,” but I knew better. I trusted my instincts, recognizing the change in our usual patterns.
When I pressed further, she admitted she didn’t want to talk about it to avoid upsetting me. I encouraged her to share, insisting that I’d rather be upset than left in the dark.
It turned out she was angry about something I had said a month prior. When we discussed it, we realized it was a misunderstanding. I apologized, explaining I hadn’t meant it the way she interpreted it. She felt better, and we reconnected. But I was frustrated that a whole month had passed before we addressed the issue.
This pattern repeated a few times before I finally put my foot down. I told her she couldn’t disconnect from me for a month at a time. It made me feel unloved and unwanted. She explained she was trying to avoid hurting my feelings and needed time to process. I assured her that while I understood her need to process, a day or two was fine, but not a month.
I encouraged her to express her anger or upset, even if it meant conflict. I said, “Make me angry. I’d rather you yell at me or write me an angry note than endure a month of silence. I can handle your anger, but I can’t handle feeling unloved for weeks on end.”
I emphasized that as someone who values physical and emotional connection, I needed to feel that bond consistently. By addressing issues promptly and openly, we could work through our problems together, maintaining our connection even during difficult times.
Eventually, my partner began to understand. She asked if I really wouldn’t mind her telling me when something upset her. I assured her that while it might not be pleasant, I’d prefer to be upset in the moment rather than endure a month of silence. She agreed to try this approach.
Months later, a situation arose where she remembered my request. She told me she was going to share something that upset her, just as I had asked. I listened attentively, giving her my full attention.
After she shared her feelings, I thanked her for opening up. We had a productive conversation, hashing things out and addressing misunderstandings. For the first time, we were able to discuss and resolve an issue on the same day it occurred.
I expressed my gratitude for her willingness to communicate openly. She seemed surprised that I wasn’t upset by what she shared. I explained that I needed to hear these things. If she was feeling hurt, it likely meant I had said or done something unintentionally hurtful or it was misinterpreted. Either way, it was crucial to discuss it.
Having a partner willing to engage in open communication makes relationships much easier. While not everyone has this, I believe it’s better to address issues as soon as possible after processing your emotions.
I told my partner I’d rather have an intense argument that might even lead to a breakup than endure prolonged periods of disconnection. A short burst of pain is preferable to a long duration of feeling ignored and worthless. That’s why I encouraged her to bring up difficult topics, even if she feared potential consequences.
Now, when issues arise, we discuss them immediately. We even consider what these conflicts might mean for our future, addressing potential long-term impacts right away instead of letting them fester.
Fortunately, we don’t argue often, and there’s nothing we can’t work through. We support each other’s happiness through small, loving compromises rather than sacrifices. This approach has significantly improved our communication and strengthened our relationship.
What Can You Do When Someone Is Giving You The Silent Treatment?
I received an email from someone I’ll call Sarah about the silent treatment. Sarah’s partner goes silent when she confronts his anger, holding onto it for days or weeks, even if it’s not about her. She’s currently experiencing this silent treatment and found my article helpful in dealing with the emotional pain.
Sarah’s situation could be a mix of emotional abuse or her partner needing processing time. It’s important to determine if he’s trying to make her feel bad or if he genuinely needs space to process his emotions. The fact that he’s sometimes not even angry at her suggests he might need more time than most to work through his feelings.
If he needs processing time, he might be someone who doesn’t know how to handle his anger productively. He may lack the coping mechanisms others have, taking days or weeks to work through his emotions.
If this is the case and he’s not intentionally trying to hurt Sarah, one approach could be to tell him, “I know you need time to process. I’m here when you’re ready to connect.”
This means letting him go without seeking anything from him or placing expectations on him. It might seem unfair, especially when considering your own needs for connection and love. You might wonder if he even likes you during these periods. But if he returns to being loving, kind, and supportive after these episodes, giving him space might be beneficial.
To help him return, you might need to do something extra special – let go. It’s like a salesperson who introduces themselves and then leaves you alone to browse. Without the pressure of constant questions about what’s wrong, he might feel more comfortable opening up sooner.
If you can pursue your own interests during this time – watching TV, working, spending time with kids or friends – without expecting anything from him, he’s likely to return sooner. This approach can be challenging, but it might lead to better communication and understanding in your relationship.
Sarah, I don’t know your situation or if this will be 100% effective, but I’ve learned that when people need processing time, it doesn’t have to take as long as it usually does. It often becomes longer when we pressure them to hurry up. When we ask, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you sharing?” and then get mad or sad, we feel left out of their lives.
We might feel unworthy and take it on ourselves. That’s why I asked if he comes back loving. If he does, and it’s everything you want, then your relationship is generally good, but he needs this processing time. Right now, his processing time is long.
It’s hard to go through, but I want you to practice this: Remove all expectations of him returning.
Don’t expect anything from him. Know he’s in that space and give it to him for as long as he needs. Any pressure while he’s processing compounds the negativity inside him.
As he processes his upset, he needs to go through his own stuff. Pressure to return or share will make it take longer.
Is this unfair to you? Yes, it’s very unfair because he goes away for days or weeks. But what if his silent time shortened? What if it was hours or days instead of days or weeks? What if he felt free to process without pressure? What if he felt safe to be himself, even if that meant silence or disconnection?
I know what happens with me. When my partner says, “It sounds like you need to process this for a while, and I’ll leave you alone,” about half an hour later, I feel no pressure. I want to return because she’s made me feel okay to not be okay.
This might be a path for you, Sarah. You may have tried this. It might be emotional abuse – I don’t know. There’s not enough information. But from what you’ve described, when he’s angry at others, he’s also silent with you. It may just be how he copes.
Hopefully, he finds faster, more efficient coping mechanisms. But if this is what he’s used to, maybe he needs to go through it.
If you can show up as that special person – and you’ll need to make some loving compromises – try it as an experiment. If you haven’t already, just try it and see what happens. Maybe things will change, maybe they won’t. But at least you’ll know the answer so you can make the next best decision that’s right for you.
