Can you accept the behaviors of those you love? If not, are you still in the relationship?
You have a choice to walk away from the behaviors you can’t accept in life, or stay and accept them. In the end, what you really want is closure. Knowing the direction you need to take is a much more powerful place than waiting for something to happen. Lingering is no fun.
Click on the play button above the video to listen to the entire episode or choose to read it below. By the time you’re done, you’ll know if you’ve reached full acceptance of the people in your life, and if you are choosing to suffer or not.
When it comes to accepting what is, or not accepting, one choice leads to suffering and the other does not.
The following is a loose transcript for this episode.
When I was 23, I met a girl at an apartment complex. Back then, I skated around the complex on my rollerblades. Every now and then, I saw this girl coming and going. And one day we talked.
And a few days later, she was skating around the complex with me on her roller skates. I was attracted to her, and I could tell she was attracted to me. And soon, I was falling for her.
Well, a few months later, we were living together. And soon, we bought a condo together. And throughout our relationship we had some ups and downs, but nothing really bad happened.
Up until the last couple years of our relationship.
Things started to get a bit stale. We were kissing less, and love making had declined to almost nothing. Though, our social lives were great, and we really enjoyed going out and being with each other. The love part of our relationship was fading. Well, fading for her. I adored and worshiped her. I was truly in love, at least the way I defined love.
The last couple years of our relationship, she managed to injure her knee, she was always fighting some illness, and many other things conveniently popped up to help her avoid intimacy with me. I mean, it became obvious this was more than a series of unfortunate coincidences. There was a plan in the works. It may not have been a conscious plan, but it was definitely unfolding in a very convenient way for her. In the sense that anything that she could come up with to avoid me, she did.
And soon, after 13 years, it ended. She said she was no longer in love with me, and she left our relationship the next day. I fell into a depression. I got depressed, because most of my identity was wrapped up in “us” and not me. I didn’t know how to ‘be’ without her.
My life went from “I love you honey” one day, to “she’s gone” the day after. I think I experienced shock. I did not know what to do with myself.
It’s easy to look back and figure out what went wrong. But it’s hard to see where something is going when you’re in the middle of it all. And though I never wanted to return to that relationship, I wondered if this new person I became after our break-up was the one she really wanted all along.
After she left, she felt free; liberated! I could tell. And soon (very soon in fact), she was married, enjoying a new life with her husband.
I look back at that event in my life, which happened several years ago and remember who I used to be. And what part of the old me I brought into the new relationship I got into with the person who became my wife.
I brought a lot of the old me into this new phase of life. Not all of it, but a lot. And my relationship with my wife has suffered quite a bit because of it. Well, she has suffered most of all. After all, who wants the one you feel closest to, to judge what you eat, how much you exercise, how much you work, etc.
All of these I am guilty of. For most of my marriage, that’s who I was. A judgmental, scared little boy. If I didn’t get my way, it was her fault, not mine.
But about a year ago, that started to change.
My wife left our home, and in a sense, left us – to restart her life. To get out of the slump she’d been in. To get off the couch and find herself again. My consistent judgments over the years had forced her to be less and less open with me, and less close, to me. And no matter what she did, she never felt it was good enough for me. And she was probably right. Because whoever was with me had to meet unattainable expectations.
So she left – to be free, and to start to get to know who she was, before she met me.
And shortly after she left, I started changing. I realized that my judgments were really just daggers that I kept sticking into our relationship. Being alone forced me to explore what caused me to be the way I am.
And I learned a lot.
And creating The Overwhelmed Brain helped me to get in touch with people who’ve also helped me learn a lot about myself. I was awoken, shaken out of my patterns, and forced to see myself, and what I was really doing to my wife and every relationship I’ve ever had in my life. I realized that if I didn’t resolve the issues I had, I would absolutely continue to be a failure at being in relationships.
After all, when all of your relationships seem to end for the same reason, you need to look at the common denominator. In this case, I am the common denominator. Or, if you’re not into that math analogy, let’s just say that the point of origin for all my relationship issues was me.
When you realize that you are at the least half the problem, you must stop and introspect. And even if you don’t feel you really are the cause of the issues you are having, it’s still time to take a look inward and find out what you could be doing to contribute to the problem.
But what happened to my relationship? What happens in many relationships that fail?
When you meet someone new, and you feel comfortable around them, you start to let them into your life more and more. You share more private things about yourself.. You start introducing them to members of your family. And as they start intertwining their life with yours, you realize that they have now become a part of your life. You can’t make it through 15 minutes without thinking of them. The more you share, the closer you feel. And the safer you feel.
This feeling of safety and the fact that they know so much about you can be equated to love. You realize that you love this new person. And you are really starting to fall even deeper in love. You’ve shared so much of yourself. And you’re bonding at extraordinarily deep levels.
I compare being in love to being a bank. The new person in your life starts off at your teller window. Then as you grow closer, he or she is allowed into the teller area where the general public is not allowed to go. Then you allow them into the break room where you feel free to share more about yourself. It’s here where you can relax around this person.
And soon, you’ve shared everything, but not quite. Because the vault is your emotional core. This is where true love lies and if you open the vault, there’s no turning back.
Then you fall in love. And that’s when you can share everything about yourself. Your secrets, your desires, your body, and your fears because this person becomes the closest person in your life. They have access to all of you, and you completely trust them.
When you can share the most of who you are with that special person, that is when you are in love. The sharing is so deep, where you are most vulnerable, that you can absolutely trust that person with your heart: The vault of all your emotions. And this is a place of true comfort and security, where you can be yourself. Your partner knows almost all of your mannerisms and behavior.
Now I realize that everyone has their own perception of love and being in love, so this may not be your definition of love. But this is a powerful way to bond and be close and committed to each other. It is the ultimate in trust and feeling safe.
Then one day you find out something about that person that maybe you don’t like. But, because everything else is just amazing, you overlook it. Then that thing, or things, you don’t like starts creeping back up again, revealing itself in different ways.
Has this ever happened to you? You find something out, or realize something you don’t like about the other person? You might stuff your negative thoughts back down, and think “No, everything is amazing with this person. Those things don’t matter.”
Then years can seem to fly by, and those unresolved thoughts and emotions creep up over and over again in the form of arguments and tension. They are expressed in so many ways, like the way we snap back at our loved one, or the way we stare at them judging their behavior, and sometimes even the things we do or don’t say that send a clear message showing them that we disapprove.
The love, safety and security we felt from the beginning disappears and is replaced with conditions. No longer is your heart so open and safe. You’ve chosen to close parts of it down for self-preservation. Your relationship goes from “I will love and accept all of who you are” to “I will only love you based on certain criteria.”
And the one you love starts to feel unsafe sharing things with you. The laughter decreases, and the joy depletes. And soon, everything that was amazing when it was new, has disappeared. Love and openness becomes suppressed and replaced with defensive walls and internal conflict.
Of course, not every relationship is like that. Some can blossom, and some people just deny that bad things exist in their relationship, and go on with life just being as happy as they can be with each other. But when you’re truly honest with each other, these things have to come out and be discussed.
When my wife left to rediscover herself, she started opening up again. We talked or chatted almost daily, and I could tell she was starting to regain her sense of individuality, her love of independence, and especially her love for herself.
And I gained clarity. Alone, I could reflect on everything that went “wrong” and figure out what was going on inside of me. I used to be in a place where I thought that judging her was the best way to support her. Well, my version of supporting her.
Really, what I was trying to do was change her. Change her into the person I felt comfortable to be around. I chose to focus outside myself to change someone else to fit my needs, instead of focusing inward to learn and grow beyond the judging behavior I’d developed from childhood.
And here I sit, nearly a year later, having a renewed identity. Accepting, loving, and so different now that I’ve let go of that old person who chose to love conditionally. Seeing that my judging and critical opinions, the two main things that ruined my first long-term relationship so many years ago, and was soon on their way to ruining this one too, had dissolved. And reaching this point took only one realization.
After all these years, I had to learn one thing that changed everything. And once I applied this to my life, I was free.
I was free because I chose acceptance, over trying to change what I didn’t agree with.
I chose acceptance.
Whether I liked what was happening or not, I chose to accept whatever it was I couldn’t accept before. When I submitted to acceptance, I submitted to freedom. I chose to be free of the burden of feeling stuck and helpless. Instead of thinking things like, “Oh why won’t she change so I can be happy”? I learned to accept what was.
And suddenly I was thinking things like, “That is who she is. I now accept her”
It sounds terrible when I say it like that, like she’s some crack dealer or something. But our minds do funny things. Mine was telling me that it’s wrong to stay with someone who doesn’t do exactly what I want her to do at all times. My mind was relying on old information from my childhood. I developed a belief in childhood that says: When the drunk of the house drinks alcohol, it’s obvious he doesn’t love me.
In my marriage, my mind told me ‘when she does something I don’t like, she doesn’t love me.’ It was a backwards and destructive thought process.
Judging is what we do when we don’t accept, in some way, what we are experiencing.
Every judgment I’ve ever made towards her was like telling her ‘I don’t accept what you’re doing.’ But what she was doing wasn’t the real problem.
The real problem was the conflict I created in myself after I chose not to accept what she was doing. I created a conflict of ‘not accepting’, ‘not being loving and supportive when I wasn’t accepting’ and ‘not leaving when there was something in the relationship that I didn’t accept’.
I chose not to accept behaviors I didn’t approve of. I chose not to love or support her when she behaved in ways I found unacceptable, and I chose to stay in the relationship even though I apparently couldn’t accept her behaviors.
In other words, when you accept someone, you love and support them no matter what. If you don’t accept someone or their behavior, and they choose not to, or can’t change, then they aren’t the problem – You are. Because by staying and not accepting, you are giving a mixed message. Not only to them, but to yourself as well.
There will be an inner conflict that you will not be able to escape from. You don’t accept their behavior, but you love them. How can one love without acceptance? I don’t believe it’s possible. I’m not saying you need to agree with their behavior, but if you choose to stay, then there has to be acceptance of their behavior. There has to be.
By staying, and not accepting, you are causing both of you to suffer.
Imagine for a moment that your loved one sells crack on the street corner. I would find this unacceptable behavior. If my wife sold crack, I would talk to her and ask her to stop. I don’t want that kind of thing going on in the closest relationship I have with a person. But if she didn’t stop, I would do everything in my power until I pass out from exhaustion to help her.
If she doesn’t want help, then I can either choose to stay and accept the behavior (“Hey, that’s just what she does. I don’t agree with it, but I love her and will accept the fact that she does it”). Or, I can choose not to accept it and walk away. Either way, it’s a loving, caring and supportive thing to do for the both of you.
When you are in love, you feel the most safe with that person more than anyone else. You share everything about yourself. That person has direct access to your heart. So how safe do you feel with someone who judges you or your behavior? How safe do you feel with someone who you judge?
If you are judging someone’s behavior, you typically feel less safe with them, as they are doing something you don’t agree with (or perhaps even fear). After all, at any moment, they may do that thing again, and it will trigger a negative emotion in you.
Being in love is full acceptance and sharing at the deepest level. The issues you’ve had you’ve worked out. And new challenges arise all the time. But what about the repeating issues? The ones that keep coming up for you?
Those are the ones that eat away at love, romance, and sharing and caring. The vault door closes tighter and tighter, and soon you are no longer in love, you’re just there because of the dependencies you’ve developed with one another.
They make you laugh, they make you feel good, they take you out, but they’ll always be at a distance. And love will never be what it was, unless you’re willing to accept them and let them back in.
And sometimes you can’t accept them, so you move on. Sometimes behavior is unacceptable, and for your survival, you move on. And this leads to closure. Let’s open the next segment with closure.
There is a closure in acceptance and staying, or non-acceptance and leaving. This closure allows that chapter in your life to end, so that another one can begin. Of course, one person will always be more hurt, and struggle for a longer time after the relationship is over. But the journey has begun regardless.
And you can also come to full acceptance, and also leave. Maybe you cannot bring yourself to let them close to your heart again. Maybe you’re locked up tight because there were so many bad moments, that you can no longer trust they won’t hurt you again. This can happen too. You can accept and love who they are, but you don’t want to stay.
We cannot change another person. We can only change ourselves. For me, I created a conflict in myself. I was not accepting her behavior and not changing myself. But most of all, I was choosing not to accept her for who she was. All of her.
A person can only change if they want to. We cannot change them.
Sure, we can suggest therapy and go to counseling. There are many things we can do to try and help, but when it comes down to it, the person has to want to change bad enough that they will do anything it takes to make that change. But if that drive to make the change isn’t strong enough, then it won’t happen. No matter how much we judge or dislike behaviors that we see.
So perhaps I should have left our marriage a long time ago. There was conflict in me, because if I really couldn’t accept some of the things I saw happening in the relationship, I should have left and said, “I love you, and want this to work out, so call me if the circumstances in your life ever change.”
Now, that’s still a judgmental position. And if I had done that, I never would have learned to not be judgmental, and become the person I am today. But, if I truly honored myself, I wouldn’t have stayed. I chose to stay because I realized what an amazing person I had married, and I knew that if I could just get past this one dysfunction in me, we’d be one of those adorable couples that people would just get sick of seeing hugging and kissing all the time.
And that is something that happens to a lot of us. We stay, hoping things will change. We love so much about that person that if this one thing wasn’t in the relationship, we’d have the best life. By choosing to stay and not accept their behaviors, you will always have strife and pain, because it will pop up over and over again.
So what is a person to do? What if you love someone so much, you don’t want to lose what you got, but you also cannot accept their behavior? Is there a way to save what you have?
My love for my wife was tainted with my judgments about her behavior. And she loved me so much she was willing to struggle through my judgments and stay in the relationship, hoping I would soon get over this. But it was a battle. As much love as we had towards each other, there was also a continuous struggle. An undertow of pain that kept pulling us under.
There’s no one good answer if one should stay or one should go. It really comes down to what you believe will happen, and what will really happen. If you are currently in a relationship that has struggles because of one or both of your behaviors, and by staying you believe you can continue to work on it together, then there is hope for sure. When you are both involved in saving the relationship, there is hope.
But if one of you simply cannot muster up the energy to continue putting any more effort into the relationship, or if one of you is not interested improving yourself and being open minded enough to believe that you could be the one with the problem, not the other person, then it cannot work. A relationship that’s in conflict takes two people to resolve. Pointing the finger at the other person is always like looking into a mirror.
In order for someone you love to do something you don’t like, you have to be there to not like it. It takes two people to create joy in a relationship, and it takes two people for conflict to exist. Without one of you, there is no conflict, so it takes both of you to create it. Which means, you both need to work on yourselves, or seek outside help.
I’ve heard over and over again one person in a relationship say something like, “If he’d only change”, or “It’s not me, it’s her.” And when I hear that, I immediately know where half the problem lies. When there are two people involved, there are always two halves of a problem.
Problems in relationships start for one reason, but linger on for others. In other words, it starts off with someone saying or doing something the other person doesn’t agree with. Then, either they communicate and resolve the problem, or the problem lingers on to once again rear its ugly head some time in the future.
The problem is either taken care of or it’s not. When you stick around and the problem still exists, you are both responsible for the problem. And in order to create positive change and heal, grow and learn from this problem, you both need to work on it. Even if one person is completely in the wrong, and chooses not to get help. By you staying around in the situation, you become part of the problem.
So having this past year to understand, finally, what was going on in my relationship, and having the opportunity to explore myself with no outside influence other than my own thoughts and whatever media or books I exposed myself to, I am finally free, as much as I believe myself to be, of this highly judgmental person I used to be.
My lessons are no longer wrapped up in old judgments, but in a new outlook. I know that the person I was isn’t creeping up on me anymore. My old patterns erased; Behaviors dissolved; A complete shift from who I used to be, to who I am.
That may not mean all the triggers are gone. Perhaps one day I’ll be sitting on the couch or playing my guitar when a memory pops into my head. A memory where I had a judgment about the person in my life. I might get those old feelings back. But I can take a step out of that emotion and look at reality.
That moment is just a memory. It is not now. It is something that happened, but it’s not happening now.
I am feeling it now, but the event was over long ago. These are just memories being triggered by something I hear or see. Once a memory gets triggered, the emotion that’s attached to that memory also gets triggered, and you may feel this anger or sadness or fear or whatever, is really happening now, but it isn’t. It’s an old emotion.
And when these come up for you, you have a choice to make. Is this emotion real anymore? Is it still how I think and what I believe. Is this a real threat or is this an old response that I can choose to let go of?
As time heals, it also reveals. The decisions we make for our lives going forward can be rooted in the past. One can choose to believe things will stay the same, or look forward to them being completely different.
The past does not equal the future. It only shapes the present.
The future can be something to look forward to, or feared. What you may fear is repetition of the past, what you look forward to is the hope of a new future, without the bad stuff from the past repeating itself. And what you create from this point forward is what will be triggered five years from now. So what are you creating right now? Is it something you feel good about? Is life the way you want to remember it five years from now?
These aren’t easy questions to answer. And sometimes, it’s even easier to just not think about the future like that because this is now, not tomorrow. It can be easier to not think about what will be, when you are so focused on what is.
Let’s go beyond abstraction for a moment and talk about application. What are some things you can do to bring acceptance into the relationship you have? And even if you aren’t in a relationship, can you think of people in your life that do things you don’t agree with? Or make you angry? Or cause you pain in some way?
Maybe it’s your partner, or a relative. Now, if it’s your children, that’s a different story. Until they are a certain age, and living under your roof, the rules are typically set by you anyway. Whether you enforce them or not is a different story.
I’m referring to a relationship of more equality. Where each person is an individual and independent. Who is that person in your life?
Is there a person in your life that does something you cannot accept?
How you answer that will directly reflect on how you proceed. If this person does something illegal, then by you being in their life and not reporting it, you could be seen as an accessory to their activities. But if there’s a way for them to change their behavior, what are they doing to make that happen?
Do you get the “I promise I’ll change” answer when you argue? Then, he or she never changes?
Or do you get the “There’s nothing wrong with me” answer?
The best answer you could hope for is, “You’re right. I need help”.
And if they take action to get help, that’s the first step. Because results say everything. If they take the first step, but go back to their old habits again. This will typically be a repetitive cycle. They promise to change and get help over and over, then return to their “normal” state every time. If you decide to continue hoping for change when they promise to change but never do, prepare for it to happen again.
My stepfather did this a lot. He would promise something to my mom, then in a day or two, it’s like the words he spoke never existed. She continued to hope that his words were true, but they never were, and things never changed.
The follow up question is, can you accept that they will not change? Even though it appears they try to change, but never do.
If the answer is no, then if you decide to stay, you can’t complain about that behavior anymore. Because, by staying, you accept that behavior in your relationship. I’m not saying it’s not a hard decision. But when you stay after you’ve accepted that they will not change, then you will have no room left to complain about it.
Then the next question is, do you believe they will change? This is also a hard question to answer too, because it involves faith. It’s the faith you’ve developed over the time you’ve gotten to know them that they are either true to their word, or they are not.
Some people can be honest in everything in their life, except the one thing they can’t control. So they come across as people of integrity, but somehow miss the mark when it comes that one problem they keep promising to correct.
Can you accept that they will tell you one thing, but do another? Again, it comes down to acceptance. When you accept that that’s just how they are, they’ll tell you one thing, but do another, then you will no longer develop a resistance to the way they operate.
When you let go of your own resistance to someone else’s behavior, you let go of your attachment to them changing or not. You let go of caring if they lie about it or not. You just let go, and let them be.
The problem is, most of us can’t let some behavior continue. But instead of leaving the situation, we stay. We stay in hopes they will change. And years will go by, and we hang on to that hope, even though everyone outside of us knows it’s obvious that the person will never change, when we’re in the middle of it, and we have so much of us tied into the relationship, we don’t want to let it go. So we wait and wait, knowing a “miracle” will soon happen and change everything.
But really what ends up happening is that we end up in denial. We deny that things are worse off than we realize. We choose to focus on faith rather than references. We can reference every single time they promised to change, but discount those references because our faith is stronger. And the years go by, and things only get worse.
The next question is: Are you willing to accept the circumstances and leave?
I’m not saying you have to leave, only you can make that determination. And leaving could be physically walking away from the situation, or just keeping that person out of your life (or choosing to have as little contact as possible).
There is a lot of power in accepting a person and their behaviors, and also staying out of their life. Remember, just because you accept them, doesn’t mean you agree with them, or even like them. Acceptance is closure for you.
When you are not accepting, you are choosing to leave open your thoughts and feelings. You think to yourself, ‘There’s always a possibility that something will change.’ It is an open loop, like the cliffhanger at the end of a movie. You never see the sequel so the loop stays open and you’re left wondering with unanswered questions.
Acceptance is closure. When you close the loop, you let go of your attachment to the person and their behavior. If you continue to worry or fear what will happen, then that could mean you have chosen to continue to have faith that they will change. When you accept that they won’t change, then you can stay and not complain about it anymore, or move on to get rid of the negativity in your life.
Again, you are one-half of any issue in a relationship. There is usually one person with a problem, and another person who has a problem with that problem. Now, I’m using the word “problem” in a general sense. It may not be a problem so to speak, but I use that word just to make it easier to talk about.
It always takes two. It’s cause and effect. It’s the tree falling in the woods question. If it falls, and no one was around to hear it, did it make a sound?
My question is, “Would it matter since no one knows it fell? ” Just like in your relationship. If one person has a problem, and the other person isn’t around to deal with it, is it really a problem? Well, for that person it is, but unless you’re still in the relationship, it’s no longer a problem because you’re not there to be a part of it.
In fact, you can have the worst habits in the world by yourself, and no one will even know about them. Isn’t that a great thought? Well, it is if being alone is your goal. However, in a relationship, really bad habits can be very intrusive, and cause a lot of tension. You could choose to be yourself 100% around the other person, doing all the things you’d normally do when you were alone. Just be prepared for the same in return.
Closure is the key to reduce or completely eliminate suffering. If your heart is broken, you grieve, but close that chapter of your life to move on to the next one.
If someone steals money from you, you take your losses and move on. If it’s a small amount, don’t even bother going to court over it. If it’s a lot, then hopefully your time in court will be short, but the longer it goes on, the longer you have to suffer and stress over it.
I once bought a condo in Florida. The market was excellent, and I got a super deal on it. 7 or 8 years later, the market went way up, and around that time I decided to move to California and rent the condo out. Well, the tenant was a nightmare. The thousands I put into renovating it was lost. The new carpet trashed. The rooms were disgusting, and by the time the eviction was done, she even left her poor cat. Let alone, the place reeked of cigarette smoke.
My property manager was no better as their management of the property consisted of convincing me to let her stay without paying rent, and also, they failed to report to me the condition of the place after they visited her several times. I trusted them to manage the place without my help, but I now know better to personally involve myself next time.
Well, the housing market tanked in 2008, and I soon realized I needed to sell my condo at a loss. But nothing was selling. And now, I didn’t have a tenant, nor did I have rent coming in because of having no tenant, causing me to miss my mortgage payments.
Soon, the housing association was threatening me because I wasn’t paying them. That debt, along with credit card debt, completely buried me. But I insisted on hanging on and trying to save everything. I was a man of my word, and no matter what, I was going to pay off all of my debts and get myself out of this mess.
And the further and further away I was from paying my debts, the more stress I experienced. I was in total overwhelm, and was feeling incredible anxiety every day. At the time, my wife told me to file for bankruptcy. I was like what? No way. I am a man of integrity. I am always honest and always pay my bills on time. I won’t do it.
She said I should, but I stood by my integrity. In fact, I chose to undermine my health to keep my integrity. I chose stress and misery to keep integrity. But… there was something wrong with that balance.
Keeping my integrity was killing me. OK, perhaps that’s a little extreme, but it was very unhealthy. I was in so much debt, I couldn’t see straight. Eventually, I listened to my wife and chose to file for bankruptcy to wipe out my credit card debt and my mortgage. It was the most difficult financial decision of my life. I was going against my core belief system.
But in a few months, I owed nothing. I had no debt. It was gone. And suddenly, for the first time in a long time, I had no anxiety. No stress. Nothing. I felt at peace. I had to come to terms that I was one of those people that took the “easy way” out. But, I was healthy and happy again, and felt really good.
I attained closure.
I made the hardest personal and financial decision, just to come to a place of closure. Yup, now I had to wait 7 years to clean up my credit, but at least that would be 7 years without this heavy burden upon me. But this closure, as hard as it was, was exactly what it took to be free.
Acceptance is like that too. When you come to a place of acceptance about something, you create closure. You are no longer thinking about how much you don’t like having it in your life, or how your life would be so much better if it didn’t exist, you just accept it for what it is. It doesn’t mean you have to stay. It doesn’t mean you have to go. Those are different decisions.
But you owe it to yourself to accept the things you cannot change – just like the serenity prayer. Now, I’m not saying let’s all pray, I just happen to agree with that statement very much. Once you accept what you cannot change, then you can make decisions in your life from a place of clarity.
If you only take away one important lesson from this post, let it be this:
What you don’t accept will be what causes you the most pain.
And you have a choice to let it continue causing you pain, or accepting it and moving on. And remember, acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, nor does it mean you have to keep people around in your life, it just means you are allowing closure into your life so that you can move on.
What a lot of people do is try and try to change someone else. And even if that person does change, they could be so resistant to that change that they end up resenting you. Accept what you cannot change to allow closure to happen so that you can start anew.
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