In part one of this special three-part article, I dive into the underlying currents of fear, anxiety, and discomfort that can shadow our everyday lives, influencing decisions and interactions, particularly with toxic individuals.
These choices, often made to avoid conflict, can lead to a cycle of unhappiness and fulfillment. I explore the concept of “taking the bullet”—making tough, pivotal decisions that can either perpetuate misery or halt it altogether.
In part two, I address the despair that comes from a life where everything seems to lead to more pain and toxicity, questioning what to do when all seems lost and when your past is marred by abuse and neglect. There is a way of rewriting your future, regardless of past hardships.
In part three, I talk about the importance of building trust in relationships. This journey involves making definitive choices and moving toward closure about things you feel like you can’t let go. Closure allows for a shift from a life of turmoil to one of peace and fulfillment.
Overcoming General Unease
If you are carrying around fears, anxiety, or a general sense of nervousness, I want to help. These feelings, these burdens, can weigh heavily on you as you navigate daily life, casting a shadow over everything you do.
I know this experience all too well. For a long time, I wore a mask of contentment, going about my day-to-day life with a smile that didn’t quite feel real. Whether at work or social events, I could function, but beneath the surface, my baseline emotional state, what I call the “homeostatic state”, was far from balanced.
Imagine a pendulum swinging wildly from one extreme of joy to the depths of misery and fear. This isn’t about a chemical imbalance or a psychiatric condition; it’s about the emotional equilibrium we all strive for in our lives.
When your pendulum settles into a state of discomfort or unease, it can be incredibly difficult to fully engage with life and make sound decisions.
Our decisions stem from this baseline state. So if you’re generally content and at ease, your choices are likely to reflect that positivity. But if you’re mired in a mix of fear, anxiety, or unresolved issues, these will inevitably color your decision-making process, particularly when facing life’s tougher choices.
Dealing with toxic individuals can put our decision-making skills to the test. We often find ourselves reacting to their influence, which can lead us to make choices that aren’t in our best interests.
In this article, I’ll share a piece of advice that may be hard to swallow but is crucial for growth. This advice comes from a personal crossroads I faced when my stepfather, a source of past trauma, unexpectedly showed up at my mother’s doorstep after their divorce.
I was suddenly confronted with the choice of reverting to the fearful child within or standing firm as the adult I’d become through years of healing and self-improvement.
When I answered the door, time seemed to slow down. But I had only milliseconds to make a decision. I could make one based on fear, or make one based on what I knew to be right.
This moment underscores the importance of building up one’s self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth. By nurturing these qualities in yourself, you can walk through life with a healthier, more balanced baseline, free from the undertones of negativity that might otherwise cloud your judgment.
The goal of this article, and the goal of the personal work you might need to do if you resonate with what I mentioned above, is to alleviate that negative undertone, enabling you to make healthier choices.
This means seizing those critical moments like confronting a toxic person and then making different choices than you have in the past. Often, we opt for submission to avoid conflict, but it’s essential to focus on making the right choice, not just the one that avoids trouble.
Making The Right Choice
When you’re on a path of healing and personal growth, having confidence in the progress you’ve made across various aspects of your life is essential. It’s important to continue moving in a direction that honors that growth. The moment you choose to revert to old patterns, to succumb to the fears that once dictated your actions, you’re taking a step backward. It’s like handing over your right to happiness to someone else.
“Here’s my happiness, take it.”
That’s the last thing I want for you. Instead, I’m going to suggest something that might sound harsh:
Take the bullet.
That is a piece of advice I gave to a client once. “Taking the bullet” means accepting the potential outcome of a tough decision you’re about to make, even if it’s something you dread.
For instance, when I stood up to my stepfather for the first time, I was choosing to confront him despite the fear that he might physically harm me. When I opened that door, I told him he wasn’t welcome and that I wouldn’t let him in.
In that moment, I was fully prepared for the possibility that he might punch me. I was willing to face the consequences because I no longer wanted to be ruled by fear. It was a moment of stepping forward as an adult, someone who has seen a lot, done a lot, and healed a lot.
It was me proclaiming, “No, this isn’t what I want for my life.”
I chose to protect that little child within me and also protect my family (my mom), and the person I’ve become today.
Approaching life from this new perspective is transformative, especially if it’s your first time standing up for yourself in this way. Such actions can shift your emotional equilibrium, moving the pendulum toward a more positive and stable center.
Each time you make a tough choice and face the proverbial bullet head-on, that underlying negativity diminishes.
Yes, taking that bullet is challenging. It’s a leap of faith akin to a kitten venturing into a lion’s den, knowing the risks but tired of living in fear.
In that defining moment when my stepfather showed up at my mom’s house, I decided I was done with being scared. And I needed to prove to myself that I could face this fear I had carried around all my life and stand by my principles.
I also needed to know that not only could I make such a difficult and life-altering decision, but that I could also survive the aftermath. This part was essential, not only for my personal growth but also because I teach these principles!
I can’t advocate for honoring personal boundaries without taking those leaps myself and experiencing the outcomes. I needed to go through my own challenges and live to share the lessons.
Since that pivotal encounter, I’ve repeatedly tested my fears, confronting situations that once would have intimidated me.
I used to hesitate to express my concerns to my girlfriend for fear of her reaction. Thoughts like, “What if she leaves me? What if she’s angry or never forgives me?” would hold me back.
Not anymore. Now, I speak my truth because it reflects who I am today. That scared little child no longer controls me.
You might recognize this scared little child within yourself. Reflecting on my childhood, I remember feeling trapped in an emotional and physical prison.
As a child, your world is the house you live in, the yard you play in, the streets you roam—always with the knowledge that you must return to an environment that may be toxic. To stay safe in such a setting, you adopt beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors that shield you from harm.
My survival strategy was to remain silent to avoid angering my stepfather. This meant I had to be extremely cautious with my words.
Navigating life with personal boundaries felt irrelevant as long as I managed not to provoke my stepfather’s anger. I used to call it “invoking drunk dad behavior.” If I could avoid that, I was safe.
So, I meticulously adjusted my behavior, refining it over and over, seeking the perfect formula for safety. Carrying these adjustments forward, I left home with a fearful, imprisoned mindset full of beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors tailored to appease an abuser.
Stepping into adulthood, I brought this baggage with me, interacting with safer people but still applying these outdated survival strategies.
What happens when you transplant these dysfunctional behaviors into a world that doesn’t share the same dysfunctions as your past?
It leads to chaos. You can ruin relationships, jeopardize your career, or internally combust from the strain of pretending to be someone you no longer recognize or want to be. You don’t want to be that trapped child, clinging to beliefs that have outlived their usefulness, living in fear. The key is to start testing the waters, dipping your toe in to gauge if it’s safe to swim.
As you immerse yourself more, you’ll realize that the people around you don’t carry the same dysfunctions as those you grew up around. However, it’s common to initially gravitate toward familiar patterns and people, which can lead to a repeating cycle of dysfunction.
That’s why it’s crucial to remove that child inside you from the driver’s seat. If there’s a part of you that still feels confined, limited, or fearful, it’s time to step in as the adult part of you and say, “I’ve got this.”
Choosing your battles wisely is part of “taking the bullet” in a metaphorical sense. You’re not seeking out danger or confrontations with those who pose a real threat of harm. Instead, you’re facing the emotional challenges head-on, at your discretion, making choices that are right for you and your loved ones. Sometimes, that means confronting fears you’ve always avoided.
By walking through the fire and being willing to metaphorically take the bullet, you’re saying you’re done with fear. That’s my goal for you: to reach a point where you’re tired of being scared and ready to face what comes.
In my experience, every time I’ve embraced this approach, I’ve fortified my inner strength. Rather than encountering the dreaded outcomes, I’ve found the opposite to be true. Each time I’ve honored myself and faced my fears, the anticipated negative consequences didn’t materialize.
Instead, I’ve consistently found a greater sense of comfort and happiness afterward. I experienced growth from within, gaining confidence and a sense of ease that now accompanies me most of the time.
It’s crucial not to let the inner child dictate your life. Instead, as the adult who’s endured so much, it’s your responsibility to safeguard that inner child and your way of life. You can’t allow others to shatter what you’ve built.
And if the thought of facing that metaphorical bullet terrifies you, I urge you to concentrate on one thing at that pivotal moment of choice. You’re familiar with that moment, aren’t you? It’s when you’re on the cusp of reacting in a way that either perpetuates toxicity and dysfunction or alters the course and perhaps even halts it. It’s that defining instant like the one I faced.
In that one moment, I could have easily caved in to fear, allowing the cycle of dysfunction to continue endlessly. Because the truth is, I knew he was never going to change. If I want to improve a situation, I need to be willing to make a different choice.
That’s the crucial decision point that either keeps things the same or changes them forever.
Transformation occurs when you embrace the risk. That’s when your life begins to shift. Taking that leap of faith may be the most daunting thing you’ll ever do. But what I highly recommend you focus on is not the potential outcomes of your action but doing what’s right for you.
That’s the sole shift in focus you need:
“I must do what’s right in this moment.”
Don’t let your thoughts drift into the future, worrying about what might happen. Instead, ask yourself, what is the right thing to do today? What is the right thing to do right now? What is the right choice?
You know the choice you need to make. You can feel it.
I hope this resonates with you, wherever you are in life, and helps you either enhance the relationships you have or recognize that some relationships may need to evolve (or even cease to exist). Once you take this step, it does become easier to do it again.
Again, pick your battles wisely. Not everyone is going to react peacefully to you making decisions that are right for you. But in some cases, you need to honor yourself just to show someone else how you prefer to be treated.
Part two of this article is next.
When Nothing Works Out In Life
Once, I received an email that was a laundry list of life’s misfortunes. The sender had endured ridicule for her weight since childhood, suffered through abusive relationships, struggled with a dreadful job, and faced challenges with her children, one of whom she was even fearful of calling.
The list went on. And to add insult to injury, her therapist—provided through a work program that apparently doesn’t dive deep—told her she had “too many problems to be helped.”
Reading her words, I was taken aback. I thought, How could a professional, someone trained to guide and support, claim they were unable to assist in making even a small, positive change?!
She’s now in another marriage, rife with dysfunction, and at her age, the thought of starting anew is daunting. She’s caught between the desire not to be alone and the fear of beginning again, leaving her to wonder what can be done when every path seems to lead to more trouble.
What can one do in such a situation? Is there anything that can be done?
I believe the first step is to reflect on the insights shared in the earlier part of this article. Often, the persistence of problems stems from our own actions that inadvertently perpetuate toxicity or dysfunction. This happens when we continue to make choices that allow these issues to persist.
It’s vital to examine the decisions we’re making and consider alternative choices that could lead to change. Yet, we frequently fall back on familiar choices, convincing ourselves that sticking to the old ways will somehow keep things okay.
But when life is in constant turmoil, it’s a clear sign that those same decisions are only fueling the chaos. Change must come from within. As I mentioned previously, it’s up to us to initiate that change.
Looking at the email I received, it baffles me how someone could fail to offer even a sliver of advice to her. This may sound harsh, but the past, while significant, does not dictate our present choices and behaviors.
Today’s choices and how we react and respond to people and the world are what truly shape our feelings and our future. Of course, I’m not suggesting we never revisit the past or process our experiences for healing. That’s crucial. But when the past becomes a crutch for all current issues, it’s easy to fall into a trap of self-pity and blame.
I’ve been there myself, thinking, “Oh, poor me, this happened, so that’s why I am the way I am.” It’s a common sentiment. For instance, believing that if one hadn’t been mistreated as a child, they wouldn’t be struggling today.
It’s true—our past experiences do shape us. Yet, here we are, present-day, making decisions that will carve out our path forward. The choice before us is clear: will we continue the cycle that’s been ruling our life, or will we take a new path?
To improve your life and start feeling better, different choices must be made.
Taking the example of the person who wrote to me, if you dread being alone, it may be necessary to face that fear head-on. It’s a tough realization, and I understand that because I don’t know every aspect of that situation. There might be reasons why being alone seems impossible, such as a disability or other factors. However, I encourage you, the person who wrote to me, to consider the possibility of making significant changes.
Often, the very experiences we’re most averse to are the ones we need to confront to discover previously unrealized aspects of ourselves.
The resistance to facing these experiences is precisely what holds us in place.
Let me elaborate on this. For forty years, I avoided confronting my stepfather because I didn’t want conflict and the subsequent potential fallout of that conflict. By steering clear of him, I thought I’d maintain a semblance of peace in my life.
However, this avoidance kept me in a constant sense of discomfort and led me to make choices that didn’t serve me well.
It wasn’t until I stopped resisting and finally confronted him that my life took a turn for the better. The weight of years of misery lifted simply by facing what I had resisted for so long.
Another example from my life is from when I was married. I used to be extremely judgmental, especially about the unhealthy food my wife would eat. I hadn’t yet undergone the personal growth and healing that I experienced later on in life. My judgmental attitude made me very unpleasant to be around.
But as our marriage began to unravel, I asked myself a critical question: What if I didn’t care about what she ate?
Trying that on, I realized that if I were to let go of my judgments, not only would my life improve, but so would our marriage. What a concept!
That was when I finally started taking responsibility for the person I had been. That was the moment I made the conscious decision to stop caring about her dietary choices. I stopped giving her disapproving looks and refrained from commenting on her eating habits.
The shift in my behavior was dramatic, and it had a profound impact on our relationship. When she noticed the change, she hardly recognized me. She had come to associate me with negative, emotionally abusive behavior. But when that behavior ceased, she saw me in a completely different light.
Taking responsibility for how I thought and felt was a revelation to me. It meant I could no longer look outside myself for the problems in my life. All I had to do was admit that my judgments were the problem – my inability to accept my wife for who she was.
This new way of thinking propelled my healing forward. This happened because I chose to stop resisting and start making different choices.
If you maintain the same patterns, thinking your life will improve by avoiding your fears and confrontations, and by not upholding your personal boundaries due to fear of consequences, you’ll perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction and unhappiness. You’ll keep getting outcomes in life that you don’t want indefinitely.
In order for you to recognize that while your past is significant and has shaped who you are, the decisions you make today will determine how you feel tomorrow.
To the person who wrote the email and to you, if you want to try this for yourself, here’s what I’d like you to do: Take a sheet of paper and make a list of everything you’re afraid of.
If you can’t think of many things, then in a second column, jot down all the choices you want to make but haven’t been able to for one reason or another (fear, for example).
To put it simply:
The first column is everything you’re afraid of.
The second column is all the choices you’ve wanted to make (things you’ve wanted to say or do) but haven’t.
You’ll likely come up with quite a few.
Perhaps when your husband says something, you’d prefer to respond differently.
Or when a coworker behaves a certain way, you’d rather take another action than what you currently do.
Or when someone is rude to you in traffic, you’d prefer to have a different reaction.
You might not want to follow through with some of these actions for legal reasons, but write down what you’d rather do instead of what you have done or do now, if that makes sense.
In the third column, note what you think will happen if you make a different choice.
And in the fourth column, consider what would actually happen if you made that choice.
You have four columns now: everything you’re afraid of, the choices you’d prefer to make, what you think will happen if you make those choices, and what would really happen if you made those choices.
As you fill out the third and fourth columns, you’ll engage in two different thought processes. The third column will be emotionally driven—your fears about the potential reactions of others.
The fourth column brings in your logical mind, where you act as an observer and assess what would realistically occur.
Sometimes, your emotional and logical predictions about what would really happen might align, but not always. Either way, this exercise is a powerful way to start dissecting what’s happening in your life so you’re not completely ruled by your emotional state. You need to apply some analysis to your life. Some logic must come into play because, right now, your decisions are driven by where you want to be emotionally.
I understand that. It’s human nature. We all make decisions based on where we want to be emotionally. But if everything in your life is turning sour, then it’s time to pause the emotional decision-making. You need to switch to analysis mode and ask yourself, what’s the best course of action?
This relates to a hypothetical fifth column. There might not be enough room on your paper, but find a way to write these thoughts down somewhere: Think about what your best friend would advise you to do in these situations.
Now you have five distinct areas to explore:
1. Your fears
2. The choices you’d prefer to make
3. What you believe will happen if you make those choices
4. What would actually happen if you make those choices
5. And the guidance your best friend might offer, which may very well align with the choices you wish to make.
This exercise is designed to help you step outside the reality you’re living in and begin to dismantle and shake up your beliefs about what’s real. It might sound complex, but consider this: you might be following an internal script that dictates the same choices regardless of the situation. And if you keep making those same choices, you’ll stay stuck in a loop.
But look at the outcomes of your current choices. They leave you in a state of misery.
So, the alternative is to start making different choices.
I can almost hear you saying, “I don’t want to start over. I’m too far along in life for that.” But let me be clear: it’s never too late to begin anew.
Imagine if you’ve had a life filled with misery until you’re 80, 85, or even 90 years old. If I offered you the chance to spend your remaining years in happiness, would you refuse? Or would you leap at the opportunity for a respite, for something different? Most people would gladly take that option.
It’s possible some might choose to stay in their discomfort, and that’s their prerogative. However, if you’re yearning for a change, I encourage you to embrace the chance to start over. If life has been a series of disappointments thus far, what have you got to lose anyway?
Doing something different, starting afresh—even if the prospect seems daunting—shouldn’t deter you. Think about it: you’ve been enduring misery. There’s nothing to lose and everything to gain—clarity, understanding of what works and what doesn’t in your life, and a new way of honoring yourself.
Taking that first step toward self-respect can improve your life. Even if you encounter undesirable outcomes, you’re living in alignment with your integrity and with whom you aspire to be. And when your actions reflect your true self, you can face losses in life yet still feel content that you made the right choice.
I realize that’s a hefty statement. But if you’ve been down every conceivable path and all have led to despair, then it might be time for radical change. Starting over could be the best thing you’ve ever done, especially since nothing else has seemed to work.
When nothing seems to be working out, it’s a signal that it’s time to take some serious steps. Again, talking to the person who wrote that email, you may have a set of beliefs that aren’t serving you well. The choices you’re making, which you think are beneficial, might actually be the opposite.
It’s time to forge a new path. Reflect on the questions I’ve shared with you.
Regarding the question about considering what your best friend would advise, we often trust that our best friends have our best interests at heart, so their advice is likely trustworthy. That’s why it’s beneficial to ask yourself, “What would my best friend tell me to do?”
If you contemplate following their advice, it’s probably the right choice. You could ask your real best friend directly, but I encourage you to first work through this mentally. Compare your thoughts with your friend’s suggestions later, but initially, let the answers come from within.
If life has been a series of setbacks and nothing ever seems to turn out right, this significant step might just be what’s needed. Thank you to the person who wrote that email. I wish you the best with this transition and appreciate your openness.
Questioning Trust in Relationships
For part three of this article, I’d like to address another message I received that involves a concern about a woman’s boyfriend who, while drunk, messaged other women. Although he apologized and she forgave him, her worry still lingers. She’s plagued by thoughts of whether it could happen again.
My thoughts about that are that life is too short to be consumed by such worries. There’s got to be a point you reach where you must decide to trust him completely until proven otherwise, or acknowledge that the trust isn’t there and make a healthy choice for yourself.
Yes, these are oversimplified solutions to a complex issue. Trust and infidelity are deep subjects I’ve covered in previous episodes. But the key is to reach a point of decision within yourself to either trust without reservation or accept that the trust isn’t there so you can make the next right decision for yourself. If you’re in doubt, then you don’t truly trust.
The real issue is, can you remain in a relationship without trust?
It’s not about the other person’s trustworthiness; it’s about what you’re bringing into the relationship—mistrust. Your actions and thoughts will be tainted by this mindset, introducing negativity.
You have the choice to continue contributing your mistrust into the relationship or take a different route.
Believe me, I’m not trying to victim-blame you, and I’m definitely not attempting to justify his actions. What I am saying is what you bring into a relationship ultimately shapes it.
Yes, you can point fingers and say, “This person did this, so can I trust them again?” You may find that trust is forever out of reach. But it’s crucial to come to a conclusion so that you can find closure because, at present, you’re caught in limbo, unsure whether to trust or not. This state of uncertainty leaves you stagnant, trapped in indecision, and consequently, unhappiness.
Unfortunately, you’ll stay unhappy if you don’t fully commit to any direction.
Personally, I strive to commit to a path. If I had trust concerns with my girlfriend, I would express them to her. I would have to be upfront and say, “I have these trust issues with you, and I fear you might do something that will upset me.”
Her response will be essential to my next steps. If she reassures me that she wouldn’t do anything to betray our trust, then I need to realize that perhaps I’m the one who needs to work on trust. Of course, I hope she’s being truthful, but ultimately, I must decide whether to trust or not—it’s a choice.
If doubts arise, I must confront them, thinking, “I’m choosing to believe there might be more to this, and I need to resolve it within myself.”
Or, I might need to bring it up again and say, “I’m getting these strange feelings; I sense something’s off.”
If she dismisses my concerns, asking for an explanation, I’ll share my feelings. She might still think I’m overreacting, but what if my suspicions are valid? That’s the question, isn’t it? What if I’m right?
As I’ve mentioned before, we need to be aware of mixed signals, warning signs, and trusting our gut. If I continue to perceive mixed signals or warning signs, despite her assurances, then I need to make a decision on whether to stay and trust (and see what happens) or leave because I can’t trust.
In this example, if I stay and trust, if her words don’t align with my observations, and things don’t add up, then the next decision I need to make lies with me.
Regardless of whether the other person is completely honest with you or not, living with constant mistrust isn’t viable. Staying in a relationship plagued by doubt is a recipe for unhappiness. Indeed, you must make a choice that feels right for you.
I know it’s tough. And the thought of leaving this person might be painful. But if they are truly being sincere, they certainly don’t want to be perceived as dishonest for the rest of your relationship. They yearn for your trust. So, you either fully commit and trust that they’re being truthful, or you don’t.
However, lingering in uncertainty, wondering if they are or aren’t faithful, is not a healthy place to be. And though I’ve simplified this issue tremendously, I know it’s more complex. But you need to find some closure within yourself. If you can’t fully trust them, you’re not ready to commit to the relationship.
This may be a difficult pill to swallow. You might feel the need to discuss this with someone else. Your message mentioned wanting to confide in your mother, but you hesitate to do so, fearing it might tarnish her view of him and strain your relationship with her.
Should you tell her what transpired? Will it damage your relationship if you keep it to yourself?
My take is that your mother was there before him and will likely be there long after. If you’re aiming to cultivate trust in your relationships, why not start with your mother? If you’ve shared a bond of trust with her so far, there’s no reason to halt that now. There’s no need to conceal these matters.
It sounds like you and your mother have a close connection where you share openly, so why stop now? I’m a firm believer in being transparent with those you trust. To foster trust, you must be open and honest.
If you’re hesitant to be truthful with your mother because you’re worried about her opinion of him, then perhaps there’s a lack of trust toward her.
It’s possible that this mistrust originates from within you. That’s something to consider as well. And if you’re struggling to be open and trusting in your relationships, take a look at other relationships in your life. Are you being fully trusting and honest with those individuals? If not, then it’s likely affecting your current situation. You might have an internal guard watching over you, preventing you from being the person you expect others to be.
It reminds me of something Gandhi might say (he never said this, but I’m sure he’d agree):
You’re hesitant to embody the qualities you wish to see in others, and these fears persist because you haven’t yet learned to be comfortable with the person you need to be.
I wish you much strength going forward, and I hope this article provides some guidance.
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