A long time ago, I was taught that a narcissist was a person who stared into the mirror and adored themselves for hours. But after years of working with couples on many kinds of issues, including narcissistic abuse, my perspective on narcissism has broadened greatly.
Narcissists wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t also drag other people into their world, manipulating them to do what they want regardless of the harm they inflicted. If they kept to themselves, most people could ignore them and go on with life.
But they don’t keep to themselves. To them, we are here to feed their ego and self-esteem.
Most narcissists seek their “supply” from the rest of us so that they can feel better about themselves. As long as we provide them an endless amount of admiration, attention, and subservience, they won’t make our lives a living hell. And even that’s not always a guarantee.
If you find that you’ve given up much of your own wants, needs, and desires to fulfill the needs of someone else, you may be experiencing narcissistic abuse.
In this article, I’m going to highlight some of the characteristics of narcissistic abuse so that you have some understanding of what it entails. This kind of abuse can be so subtle that many people who are going through it don’t even know they’re being abused. They know something is wrong but can’t figure out what it is.
After reading this article, you’ll have a better understanding of what can happen in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. The list below stems from my direct conversations with clients and also from my analysis of their partner’s communication (emails, texts, audio) that these clients have shared with me.
Narcissistic abusers require you to do as they wish regardless of your thoughts or feelings. They are seeking comfort and happiness just like most people but usually aren’t concerned in the least with your well-being while doing so. Most people appreciate being loved, admired, and adored, but they probably don’t lie or manipulate to get it.
Narcissists do.
A narcissist’s purpose is to fulfill their own needs regardless of the harm they inflict on you. Narcissistic abuse happens when the narcissist subtly or overtly manipulates you to fulfill their needs on a continual basis, emotionally draining you.
Are you experiencing narcissistic abuse?
The following list highlights many typical characteristics of narcissists.
Narcissists…
- …want what they want and will do anything to get what they want, even if their behavior harms you
- …invalidate and diminish you, making you feel like you’re never enough and not worthy of better treatment
- …will quote what other people say about you (regardless if those people actually said it or not), putting you down and making you feel inferior
- …threaten you in a way to make you feel loss if you don’t do or think as they desire
- …will make comments about how you are not really loved or appreciated by others
- …will make it clear that no one will ever love you as they will
- …can say “I love you” while diminishing you at the same time. i.e., “I love you so much. I just don’t understand why you are destroying this family.”
- …put down the people you love, making them sound like idiots or fools
- …make it clear how bad your decision-making ability is, even when it is perfectly sound
- …will use what you hold sacred against you (children, love, God, etc). i.e., “I can’t believe you would do this to our kids.”
- …treat you like property
- …spread lies to others about you
- …compare yourself to other people who are “better” than you
- …don’t want you to feel pleasure in your accomplishments and will even make you feel bad or wrong for accomplishing something
- …play a victim better than most actual victims
- …teach their children to lie to make the narcissist look good. i.e., “Daddy can’t afford to pay his rent because of you” (parroting the words of the narcissist)
- …treats everyone except their partner as their best friend (The narcissist is a different person outside the home)
- …have little or no empathy (but can fake it really well sometimes)
Unfortunately, this is just a tiny percentage of a long list of traits and characteristics shared by many narcissists. Narcissistic abuse is very prevalent in our world, but hard to spot when you’re in it because it’s so insidious.
If you’re in a relationship and feel at all a sense of low self-worth or low self-esteem, or you’re lacking the ability to make good decisions, or you feel a bit crazy because you just don’t know how to do anything right for your partner, you may very well be experiencing narcissistic abuse, or its close relative emotional abuse.
Many emotional abusers and manipulators come from dysfunctional homes. Often a lack of love or healthy attention can cause a child to not be able to develop compassion and/or empathy for others. The beliefs and perceptions about the world that these children develop don’t necessarily apply to the adult world, so they don’t know how to function as mentally healthy adults when they grow up. Their romantic relationships often fail because they cannot sense the harm they are doing to their partners.
Some abusers know they are harming their partner, and others do not. There’s no excuse for their behavior either way, but sometimes it’s helpful to know that not all manipulators and abusers actually mean to hurt others; it can be an unconscious process that developed a long time ago. They still need help and healing, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay with someone abusing you until they get it.
I hate to admit it, but I was emotionally abusive in several of my relationships over the years. It was the end of my marriage that made me stand up and take note that something was wrong with the way my life was going. After my divorce, I took responsibility for my role in all my failed relationships and decided that I needed to heal.
That’s why I’m a firm believer that leaving an abuser often does both of you a favor: It removes you from the abusive situation, and it gives the abuser an opportunity to experience accountability for their bad behavior.
In other words, if you stay, the abuser may never fully realize that they are harming you. Staying lets them know that their behavior must not be so bad after all because you continue to stick around. Narcissists often only learn through accountability. Without accountability, they continue their bad behavior.
When you stay in an abusive relationship, most abusers are not compelled to heal or work on themselves. Only when they lose that which they are so desperately (and often successfully) trying to control do they finally realize that perhaps their actions are not healthy. Even then, not all abusers will believe they need healing.
I’m not saying have to leave a relationship like this. You certainly have a choice. But if you stay, don’t do it out of guilt. Victims of narcissistic abuse will often feel guilt that they might be harming their partner in some way if they leave them. Narcissistic abusers love to use your guilt as a tactic to get you to do things they want you to do. Don’t let guilt drive your choice to stay or go.
Remember, when you leave an abusive relationship, you give both of you a gift.
I am so fortunate my wife chose to leave me. As painful and devastating as it was, I would never have started my healing journey had she not taken action to protect herself. I would not have understood just how much damage I was doing had she never left.
After I stepped on the path to healing, I decided to learn as much as I could about verbal and emotional abuse, and even more recently about narcissistic abuse. Now, I can look back at every one of my relationships that ended and see them as opportunities to look within myself and understand my old, toxic behavior a bit more.
When I was an emotional abuser, I made sure to make it known that I felt emotionally wounded and in need of consistent comforting. I wanted to make my partner feel guilty for thinking about leaving. I highlighted to them that they weren’t supportive or loving. This amplified their guilt and kept me in control.
I’m not proud of this behavior at all, but I share it to emphasize what can go through an abuser’s mind.
Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is not the only path out of the abuse, but it can be a faster path to healing. Of course, leaving a relationship where there’s actual physical danger involves an entirely different set of variables and planning. If you feel at all threatened by your partner then it’s vital you plan your escape long before leaving the relationship. Making an escape plan is a good idea regardless of the level of abuse.
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or if you’re questioning if you are, start doing your research so that you don’t go crazy thinking it’s you and not your partner. Often, when you enter a relationship feeling pretty good about yourself but later on feel like you can’t do anything right – you might be experiencing some sort of narcissistic or emotional abuse.
If you want an in-depth analysis of your relationship, consider getting The M.E.A.N. workbook below. It’s a revealing process that helps you pinpoint exactly what’s going on in your relationship and how you can become empowered to start trusting yourself again and stop the manipulation.
Narcissists don’t have to have the upper hand. Once you know who and what you’re dealing with, you can begin the healing and start learning how to stop supplying their narcissistic fuel.
Narcissists can and will use everything you appreciate against you and make you feel bad just for feeling good! It’s important you learn as much as you can about their behavior and how you may be exacerbating it so that you don’t inadvertently become your own worst enemy.
The line from the 1982 movie Poltergeist sums it up best:
Now clear your minds. It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don’t give it any help, it knows too much already.
Tune into the Love and Abuse podcast to help you learn how to navigate difficult relationships
I am currently looking at whether to continue my marriage or not. I have been separated from my husband for almost 3 weeks and in that time, he has done nothing to change what needs to be changed. He hasn’t quit drinking, hasn’t set up any therapy, hasn’t even cleaned a room he was supposed to 2 weeks ago and our furnace isn’t working. He says not to give up on him and that he will change but everyone is telling me it’s a line. What should I do?
Even if you divorced him, it doesn’t mean you’re giving up on anything it just means you are going to move on with your life with or without him. Divorce doesn’t mean you can never see each other again, it just means you are serious about what you want in a relationship. If his drinking or psychological state isn’t improving and it’s affecting your relationship, then it’s time to stop focusing on what he’s going to do and start focusing on taking care of yourself.
I’m not saying divorce is the course, I’m saying that in order for you to get through this with the least amount of emotional damage, you can’t wait for someone else to figure things out for you. By moving in a direction away from toxicity, you move toward a more healthy emotional state. Sometimes that means divorce because some people don’t change until the accountability occurs. Divorce is serious, it is a statement. Divorce is telling the other person you can’t take things the way they are anymore and you need to separate yourself from the person to work on you.
Work on you, stop waiting for him to change. You can go for divorce or not, but it doesn’t matter. If he’s an alcoholic, he has to stop wanting to drink for himself, not for you. If he’s emotionally unstable or needs therapy, he needs to do so because he realizes his life isn’t working out as it could not because he thinks he’ll lose you if he doesn’t do what you’ll say.
Remember that sometimes the greatest gift you can give a toxic person is to stop enabling their dysfunctions by showing them their behavior has consequences. Leaving someone that is behaving badly is accountability and some people need to experience that accountability first hand in order to finally have self-realization that THEY are the common denominator in all the challenges that keep coming up for them. Walking out the door may not be enough for him to realize that you are serious. Addicts especially have a harder time stopping behavior for many reasons, but they often have enablers around them to show that their behavior isn’t SO bad that they’ll lose the relationship. In other words, some people never change because their partners (or friends or family) never leave.
You took the right steps for you by walking away. The next step I certainly can’t decide for you, but I encourage you to stop waiting for him. It could be months, years or never. The point is waiting is wasting time you could be focusing on you and what kept you in a relationship like that for the length of time you stayed. Not saying you’re wrong or broken, but there are always things to look at in yourself when you stay too long in the radiation of a toxic relationship so that you can avoid tolerating bad behavior in the future. Your self-worth takes a big hit, so you may need to work on that.
The good news is as you work on yourself, you give him an opportunity to make the choice to work on himself too. He may or may not choose to do it, but I highly recommend you don’t keep tabs on whether he does or not, just focus on you and your progress. That may mean divorce, or not. Divorce isn’t always the end of a relationship. Sometimes it’s the end of challenging part of your life so that you can start making something better for yourself.
One day, he may reach out and tell you he’s been sober for months and is so grateful you left because he could feel himself spiraling out of control. And when and if that day comes, you will have focused on yourself all that time so that you will have a clearer head on whether you want to restart the relationship or not. However, you want to hear words like, “You were right to leave me” and “I was very toxic and needed to work on myself” and / or “I have been going to therapy but not for you, for me.” If you don’t hear words like that, or something similar that shows he is working on himself for HIM, and not you, then he is not ready for a relationship. If he says things like, “I’m doing this for you” or “I want you back, I miss and love you so much. I’ll do anything it takes.” then, in my opinion, you need to steer clear until he conveys that he knows that he seeks help on his own, for himself, and without trying to lure you back in while he’s doing that. Healing needs to take place first, on both sides.
I hope this helps. I know it’s tough, but you have to remember just by being in the relationship, you can enable unwanted behavior because quite often the fact that you are there is enough evidence for him believe that his bad behavior is not bad enough that you’ll leave. And as long as you’re there and you keep showing up, no matter how much hurt or pain you show, you being there shows him his behavior must not be that bad otherwise you’d be gone. It’s something I see over and over again.
As long as the victim of bad behavior stays, the behavior doesn’t change. Only when they are gone does the person doing the behavior feel the impact of their actions.
Sometimes you have to go to show them the door to healing. Divorce or not, stay focused on you and your progress so you’ll have a clear mind no matter if you get back into the relationship or not. Once you start healing and get clarity, you’ll know whether divorce is the answer or not.
I wish you the best on this journey.
I AM LEAVING MY HUSBAND FOR SURE!!! WHEN WE MET I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS GOING TO LIVE IN A FULL BLOWN NARCISSIST PRISON OF RAW HELL & VIOLENT ABUSES ON EVERY LEVEL OF MY BEING!! I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT A NARCISSIST WAS UNTIL IT WAS TO LATE OR IN MY WORLD!! I’ve MADE 2 ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE HIS ABUSIVE PRISON & THE GUILT OF ABANDONMENT OF HIS BROKEN SELF MADE ME TURN BACK & RETURN!! THIS TIME I’M GONE FOR GOOD BECAUSE I NOW UNDERSTAND THAT HE WILL NEVER LOVE ME OR ANYONE ELSE BY HIS OWN STATEMENT CONFESSION RECENTLY!! SO I MUST FIND HEALTHIER ME & HEAL AND MOVE FORWARD & FALL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF & SELF WORTH FIND ME AGAIN!! I HAVE BEEN LIVING THE EXISTENCE OF ABUSED PRISONER FOR YEARS ONNA DAILY BASIS. HE HAS TRULY DAMAGED ME WITHOUT A RIGHT TO OR MOTIVE. I’ ESCAPING HIM IN ONE GLORIOUS DAY TOMORROW 04/15/2021 THANK YOU TO ME FOR FINALLY BEING STRONG ENOUGH THIS TIME TO PERMANENTLY WALKING AWAY FROM THIS NARCISSIST!!
This might be the most powerful comment I’ve ever read! You’re right, it is time. And you will have one glorious LIFE after all has settled. Yes, there will probably be some obstacles during the divorce (which I assume is your ultimate plan) and DO expect him to pull out all the tricks, including playing to your compassion and empathy. The best way to test if their niceness is to deny them what they want. A truly caring person will honor your decision. A narcissist will likely be enraged and do everything they can to make you feel bad. You are on an empowering path, don’t let anyone knock you off of it. Of course, it sounds like I don’t even have to say that to you. You are amazing! I wish you much strength and healing through all of this.