When I was first getting to know my partner, she told me about her relationship with her ex. She said that they were the best of friends, so it only made sense that developing that friendship into a romantic relationship would enhance what they had and bring them even closer.
After several years of emotional abuse and a bitter divorce, she left that relationship a shell of her former self.
Emotionally abusive people know exactly how to be a good friend. They show up when you need them. They say all the right things. They appear to be genuinely kind and generous to you and the rest of the world.
However, as soon as you get into a relationship with them, the monster of subtle, emotional manipulation starts to trickle up from the depths. In a short period of time, you realize that the amazing friendship you once treasured no longer exists, and the person you knew when you first met is now a distant memory.
Now for the crazy part: Only you are likely to see this manipulative side of them.
Friends and family often cannot see what you are experiencing and may sometimes think that you are the crazy one.
If you’re in a relationship where you:
- Often feel blamed, responsible, and/or guilty
- Feel lonely or rejected
- Find yourself apologizing a lot
- Consistently look for approval from your partner
- Don’t know what you can do to make your partner happy
- Feel responsible for your partner’s emotions
You are not crazy!
You may be experiencing emotional manipulation of some sort, but you’re not crazy. That doesn’t mean your partner is bad or intentionally mean (though, in some cases, it can be that way). But it might mean that they never learned how to get their needs met in a healthy way, so they are using you as a means to get them met.
Now for an admission: I used to be this manipulative person I’m talking about.
I was the emotionally manipulative partner in every single one of my relationships, and I didn’t even realize it. It took breakup after breakup and eventually a divorce before I connected the dots that made me see the bigger picture that I was the one causing all of my relationships to deteriorate.
The moment I chose to empathize and imagine myself in her shoes, I finally realized I was manipulative and controlling and hurting the person I was supposed to care for and support. When I imagined what it must be like to be criticized and judged for being myself, I knew something had to change.
In fact, after my wife left (shortly after I started realizing all of this, but her love for me was gone by then), I chose to stop being in relationships. I chose to be single. No dating. Nothing.
That was the beginning of my healing journey. In fact, it was the most healing time of my life. I learned how to get my own needs met instead of relying on my partner to do it for me.
I also learned I’d rather be alone than put anyone else through what I put my previous partners through. The rewards for focusing on myself and honoring what I needed in me far outweighed any period of time I felt lonely.
If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself one question:
When my partner meets my needs, does it make them happy?
I think the answer to this one question will reveal a lot about where you both are in the relationship. I know it did for me. When I was going through my divorce and asked myself that question (not worded exactly the same way), my answer revealed a lot and made me realize what I needed to do in order to become the healthiest version of myself I could be.
When you both actually want to meet each other’s needs, and you are both happy doing so, you likely have a very healthy relationship that will grow and blossom.
However, if only one of you is happy getting their needs met and the other is miserable (and might not even know why they are miserable), there could be some sort of manipulation or other dysfunction going on that needs to be addressed.
Relationships like this do not usually get better on their own. You may both need to focus on your own healing for a while to get to a point where you can bring a healthier version of yourselves back into the picture.
A relationship worth keeping is also worth putting it aside to work on yourself for a bit.
I realize this sounds counter-intuitive. Separate to get closer? But time with yourself for a while might be exactly what you both need to make the relationship as good as you want it to be. A relationship where you bring two happy, healthy people together is a lot more rewarding and long-lasting than one where you rely on your partner to resolve your dysfunctions and fulfill your dependencies.
It doesn’t mean you can’t ever look to your partner to get your emotional needs fulfilled. You just don’t want to make it their primary job. It’s important to feel healthy alone just as it is to feel healthy together.
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Thank you so much for this. I thought that I was the crazy one and the only one who could see the emotionally manipulative side of a person that everyone else thought was ‘just the greatest.’ It was so disheartening and demoralizing. You actually start to believe ‘it’s you’ who is the cause of discord and lose yourself in the process.
Thanks for sharing this! You are not alone. Emotionally manipulative people typically make great friends and terrible romantic partners. When they don’t have an intimate, emotional commitment, they are usually on their best behavior. This is why it’s very difficult for friends of yours to see what you see. I have a few episodes on emotionally manipulative people that may help you further confirm that you are definitely not going crazy.
And yes, you end up believing that you are the one who must be at fault, inconsiderate, and just plain wrong. Emotional manipulators shame you into loving them… it’s a very toxic situation. Thank you again for sharing.
Does this include physical abuse :/
Physical abuse is a different animal. Emotional abuse can contain physical abuse for sure, but being around someone who is incapable of controlling their aggression and becomes physically violent is a dangerous situation. If it happened once, it’s likely to happen again.
I’ve talked with those who have regetted physically abusing their partners. The possibility for change can exist in some physical abusers. But it’s very, very rare if they have physically abused more than once.
Anyone can get so angry that they can’t control a scream or storming out of a room and slamming the door. Then there are those that get so intensely upset that they physically hurt the other person. Many of us have reached a level of intensity where we just want to hit someone. When that line is crossed, however, it reveals the inability to control ones behavior.
If someone can’t control their behavior (or worse, they can control it and physically abuse regardless), then separating for a while may not do much except delay the inevitable. The changes I’ve seen in physically abusive people always involve counseling or some sort of help. That line should never be crossed. When it is, bigger issues are at play and need to be addressed.
Friends, family and strangers will tell the victim of an abusive relationship to get out as soon as possible. I don’t disagree with that, but I am also aware that leaving that type of relationship – if that’s your goal – requires careful planning. It means getting your support system set up and developing an escape plan so things can happen as smoothly as possible. Details on leaving the abusive relationship can be found here: https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/domestic-abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship
I’ve seen physical abusers change. But they were completely different people after they did so. You didn’t recognize them. And they became completely humble and felt an undending shame. That’s a start. Physical abuse often happens when the abuser was taught unhealthy or no coping skills. Or they learned to abuse by observing abuse in their family or on themselves from someone in the life. When children grow up not knowing how to handle challenging situations, they can become abusive.
That’s no excuse however. We can feel sorry for the child who grew up in an abusive or neglectful household. But we can’t feel sorry for the adult who chooses not to get help for their abusive behaviors. Sometimes leaving the abuser is the only way the abuse stops. And sometimes leaving the abuser is the only way they change.
If you are asking this question for yourself, please remember that once there is physical abuse, there is usually more. This doesn’t mean the physical abuser can’t change. Some can – some can’t. But it’s not always best to stick around a physically abusive person while you’re trying to decide if they’re going to change.
Sometimes separation is what facilitates healing. And sometimes separation is what’s necessary because the past is too full of pain and, in this case, danger.
I wish you much strenght and healing for whatever you’re going through.