What do you do when you have to face a challenge that you believe you’re prepared for, but fail instead?
The feelings of failure can be debilitating, especially when you’ve spent a lot of time and energy working on self-improvement. It can feel like you’ve taken 10 steps backward. Learning comes with the challenge of applying what you’ve learned, so expect challenges to be just more than you think you’re prepared for.
When you have the tools, the challenge will come.
I believed I knew how to honor my boundaries until that belief was tested with the perfect person. When you believe you’ve grown, that belief will be challenged.
Always move forward, learn about yourself, and work on your self-improvement so that you will be as prepared as you can be.
In segment two of this episode, I address the people-pleaser’s role in becoming emotionally abused. People-pleasers often have a big heart, compassion, and generosity, and are often kind and caring which opens them up to abusive people, unfortunately. If you’re kind and compassionate but made to feel guilty by your partner often, you’re probably in an emotionally abusive relationship.
There are many signs of emotional abuse including trusting yourself less and less. If your partner is emotionally detached, or you feel like you’re going crazy, this segment is for you; especially if you can’t pinpoint why you feel the way you do.
Manipulators are crafty and adept. They don’t want to feel pain, guilt, or take responsibility so they push all of it on to you. If you want to learn if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, check out the Emotional Abuse worksheet.
Use that worksheet to learn exactly where you are on the spectrum and what you can do about it. Emotional abuse is a silent abuse that can often go on for months or years before the victim gets so worn out that they leave the relationship as a shell of their former self.
Tune into the Love and Abuse podcast to help you learn how to navigate difficult relationships
Don’t let that be you! Check out the worksheet so that you can pinpoint just what might be going on in your relationship.
In segment three, I read a letter from a young man who is depressed and has no motivation to do anything. His emotions are out of control and he is in a constant struggle. On top of all of that, he’s afraid to get help! He’s never talked about his feelings to anyone, ever. All the solutions he’s looked for online talk about getting a goal and using his willpower, which he found completely useless.
The first step to getting past what you can’t let go of is to express yourself any way possible, whether it’s with a friend or loved one, or even to yourself through writing or visualization (i.e. imagining the person you want to express yourself to is standing in front of you).
Once you get those repressed negative emotions off your chest, it can free you a bit to start the healing process.
During the close of the show, I talk about what you can do to appreciate your body and what it does for you. Sometimes it takes suffering through pain to appreciate what works!
It is amazing how your podcast are so timely in my life. I have been fully committed to healing, personal growth, and living authentically after I learned that the person whom I dearly loved was not in love with me. Today I was faced with my first real test, rejection and dishonestly masked as the usual, “you must have misunderstood me.” My first thought was, “can I walk-the-walk of personal empowerment, self-compassion, and the freedom from identifying my happiness through someone else?” After countless podcasts and books, surely I was ready for the real world of relationships, again. Well, in short, I failed. I failed miserably. Like really, really bad. When I was faced with yet another manipulative situation and emotional abuse, I caved in like a rookie. I became angry and resentful. Hatred gave rise to crying like a baby (in private). I was so disappointed with myself. Until, 7-hours later, I realized that; yes, I had evolved. Yes; I was in control of me. Although, I felt like a total failure several hours earlier, I recovered faster than I ever have. As Eckhart Tolle would say, I was aware of my ‘Pain Body’ taking over and I was able to observe the duality of my ‘Being’ and my ‘Thoughts’ for the two distinct parts of Self that reside inside of me. By no means am I close to enlightenment or able to banish my Ego, but at least I know exactly what I am feeling, what I am thinking, where the pain is coming from, and how to acknowledge it-express it-let it go. I know that I must stop resisting the hate, stop being in denial about rejection, let my raw feelings flow, and release the emotions. I must focus on the present moment, keep my thoughts here, devoid of time, not 7-hours ago. That time has past and has no bearing on the Now or my future. What is going on right this very minute is all that matters, it is all that is real. Not what someone said or did to me in the past, that is a memory. Learning how to not give a $&@! and really mean it, never felt so empowering. Learning how to self-soothe and return to homeostasis, is a blessing that I accredit to your podcasts and book.
This is such an amazing comment, thank you so much for sharing this and for your kind words. I am honored. I am also very happy to hear the one component of emotional evolution I like to look for:
How long it takes to get back on your feet.
In music, when a musician is playing his or her instrument and hits a wrong note, they follow it up with another note to make it appear as if that wrong note was meant to be. I love that. (I’ve done that!) And I think it’s a great metaphor and method of thinking to use when we “fail”.
No single event is a failure if you choose to learn and grow from it. The only failures I’ve experienced are the ones where I chose to give up, give in, and stay unhappy playing the victim instead of rising up to take the next step I need to get my life back in order.
That sounds like what you’re doing! Eckhart is such a great teacher, continue to absorb his wisdom and gaining forward momentum. You don’t pretend it never happened, you use what happened as a stepping stone to wisdom and action.
That one note may have been a “failure”, but the song doesn’t need to end there. I love that you are continuing to play the music.
Thank you again for sharing. 🙂